Xmas hell in the Land of Grieving

[Guest guest]

Christmas was pure torture. My partner and I got to my aunt's house

at 11am to help with cooking, and until my evil brother and his wife

left for the airport around 7pm, I was in agony. What a pompous,

condescending, self-righteous, abusive, homophobic, [fill in some

more here] a**hole. And the thing that really got to me was that for

some unknown reason, he was sullen and pissed off at *ME*. (Excuse

me, the molester doesn't get to do that to his victim.) My aunt and

uncle think he's better than sliced bread, and he makes a great show

of being oh-so-attentive and thoughtful. But below the outward show,

he's one of the cruelest people I've ever met.

Between him, my aunt who couldn't listen well if her life depended

on it, the other brother trying to tell me things I already know,

and the low-grade racism cropping up now and then for good measure,

I wanted to poke myself in the eye, just to make the experience more

enjoyable.

I spent the entire day biting back comments -- whenever I did say

what I was thinking and my partner gave me a look, I'd say, " You

should hear the 97% that *didn't* get out. " My shoulders are still

as knotted and hard as a tree trunk.

The other thing that burns me is that apparently I'm pegged as not

caring about the family. My uncle and SIL took my partner aside to

say that they were staying out of figuring out the money for the

funeral expenses because it isn't their family. My partner mentioned

that I'd wanted her to take care of it. My uncle asked, " Can't she

be bothered? It's her family. " My partner tried to explain that it

was because I'm so overwhelmed, but she was so stunned by his

comment that she didn't know what to say.

I'm so exhausted by holding the truth of what happened and, in

essence, being looked down on for doing what I needed to do to

survive. I guess I could just not care, but the injustice of it

offends me on a cellular level. I've been literally shaking from

post-traumatic stress ever since.

I've decided that I don't ever want to see Evil Brother again --

it's horrible for my health and well-being. If he's going to be at

some family function that is unavoidable (such as a funeral), then I

will calmly make sure to coordinate so I don't have to cross paths

with him. I've also decided that if anyone asks me why not, I'll

calmly tell them outright. Including my SIL. Including my aunt. I

will not hold this alone any more or let my reputation as a person

continue to pay for *his* actions. If the truth hurts, then he

should have chosen different behavior to make true (or at least had

the decency to show some remorse).

Thanks for reading this long, sordid saga. I need to work the poison

out from under my skin, and it's good to know that the story is

being heard by sympathetic ears.

peace,

journeywork

[Guest guest]

Ooh, journeywork! Thanks for the sordid saga! I enjoyed it so much

and I love the way you write. I nearly have enough courage to tell

you all MY sordid story. Maybe later today. I have to get back to

work now. I find it so unreasonable that my boss actually expects me

to work. Doesn't he know I've worked hard enough in my life?!

>

>

> Thanks for reading this long, sordid saga. I need to work the

poison

> out from under my skin, and it's good to know that the story is

> being heard by sympathetic ears.

>

> peace,

> journeywork

[Guest guest]

Dear Journeywork,

You wrote:

>I've also decided that if anyone asks me why not, I'll

> calmly tell them outright. Including my SIL. Including my aunt. I

> will not hold this alone any more or let my reputation as a person

> continue to pay for *his* actions. If the truth hurts, then he

> should have chosen different behavior....

Exactly, exactly, exactly!!! If your brother doesn't want anyone to

know what he did, maybe he shouldn't have done it. If he doesn't want

anyone to know what he did, he's ashamed. He knows it's wrong. The

swine (sorry) should have thought of that before he abused you.

I'm clapping my hands for you. When people are seeing a person as

good and it's based on a lie, it's hard to be the one who finally

bursts the bubble. You get the guilty feeling that *you* are the one

who is destroying things. But it is the person with the bad behavior

who destroyed that situation. Not you!!

You just rest up from the funeral and Christmas. You did good.

[Guest guest]

Dear Journeywork,

You wrote:

>I've also decided that if anyone asks me why not, I'll

> calmly tell them outright. Including my SIL. Including my aunt. I

> will not hold this alone any more or let my reputation as a person

> continue to pay for *his* actions. If the truth hurts, then he

> should have chosen different behavior....

Exactly, exactly, exactly!!! If your brother doesn't want anyone to

know what he did, maybe he shouldn't have done it. If he doesn't want

anyone to know what he did, he's ashamed. He knows it's wrong. The

swine (sorry) should have thought of that before he abused you.

I'm clapping my hands for you. When people are seeing a person as

good and it's based on a lie, it's hard to be the one who finally

bursts the bubble. You get the guilty feeling that *you* are the one

who is destroying things. But it is the person with the bad behavior

who destroyed that situation. Not you!!

You just rest up from the funeral and Christmas. You did good.

[Guest guest]

Hi, Al,

> I nearly have enough courage to tell

> you all MY sordid story. Maybe later today.

Yeah, *I* almost had the courage to tell her your sordid saga too. :-)

Les

[Guest guest]

Hi, Al,

> I nearly have enough courage to tell

> you all MY sordid story. Maybe later today.

Yeah, *I* almost had the courage to tell her your sordid saga too. :-)

Les

[Guest guest]

....>...> The other thing that burns me is that apparently I'm pegged

as not

> caring about the family. My uncle and SIL took my partner aside to

> say that they were staying out of figuring out the money for the

> funeral expenses because it isn't their family. My partner

mentioned

> that I'd wanted her to take care of it. My uncle asked, " Can't she

> be bothered? It's her family. " My partner tried to explain that it

> was because I'm so overwhelmed, but she was so stunned by his

> comment that she didn't know what to say.

****There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with having your partner help

out in this way! The comment from your 'family' member is just

another way for someone to put focus on you rather than acknowledging

any of the real issues within your family. It is a loving and caring

jesture for your partner to help you in this way....Maybe that is

something your foo can't understand (dripping with sarcasm here!)

>

.......>

> I've decided that I don't ever want to see Evil Brother again --

> it's horrible for my health and well-being. If he's going to be at

> some family function that is unavoidable (such as a funeral), then

I

> will calmly make sure to coordinate so I don't have to cross paths

> with him. I've also decided that if anyone asks me why not, I'll

> calmly tell them outright. Including my SIL. Including my aunt. I

> will not hold this alone any more or let my reputation as a person

> continue to pay for *his* actions. If the truth hurts, then he

> should have chosen different behavior to make true (or at least had

> the decency to show some remorse).

*****The first time I told anyone that I was not seeing my nada

because she was an abusive parent, and I was trying to heal from

that, I was overcome with anxiety and fear....but I said it anyway.

It is getting easier for me to make that kind of statement, and it is

so self-validating for me as well. I think your decision to tell the

truth of your situation is a good one. Why should the victims be

expected to protect the abuser?

> Thanks for reading this long, sordid saga. I need to work the

poison

> out from under my skin, and it's good to know that the story is

> being heard by sympathetic ears.

>

> peace,

> journeywork

****Thanks for all of your posts. I gather strength and resolve from

them.

Sylvia