Guest guest Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 > I really don't think an official diagnosis of BPD really matters. If > a parent's behavior is toxic and destructive it is enough to set heavy > boundaries. Theresa, what will it change if you do get a real > diagnosis from a therapist about your nada. Nothing will change in > her behavior. She will still be there hammering at you and trying to > confuse and sway your daughter. The idea of going into therapy with > someone like your nada makes me cringe. I can't imagine any real good > can come of it. You know you are OK. Just do whatever it takes to > live your own life. > > It is obvious you have not achieved no contact with her. She is not > going to let you do that. Coming to get your daughter out of class is > so sneaky and such a low trick. Trying to make her feel bad because > she has delegated her previous horse chores to her friends is sick. > This is not a person who loves. Not you, not your daughter. It is > all a power struggle to her. She is intelligent and has the scruples > of a BPD. You can't win this conflict with the present situation the > way it is. She is too close, too intrusive, to entitled, too off balance. > > Telling your nada you are not ready 'yet' to be in contact with her > only feeds her obsession that someday you will be ready. She will > persist and you will not have a life for yourself and your daughter > free of her even if you are telling yourself you are going no contact. > This past week or two when you say you are no contact she has had > plenty of contact one way or another with you and your daughter. > > This is going to take bold and big changes for you to claim your life. > I really feel for you. You are so caught in her snare. I can't > imagine how awful and how all consumming this is for you. I get > frustrated just reading your posts. I can't begin to really know how > it must be for you. > > Sometimes we get so caught up in the struggle we can't see where we > want to be. Kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. Each > day of your life in going past and you are unable to really live them. > I'd practice being strong for you, but I know it has to come from > you. You really need a stong support system....a good therapist or > counsellor. Don't succumb. Be tough. Continue to be a good mom. I > can feel how much you live your daughter. Trust your gut feelings. > My best to you, Dee *****Theresa, I totally agree with everything Dee has written, and I too get frustrated and upset over what you are going through. I go into my magic wand wishing - where I could just wave that wand and make it all better for you. Due to your life circumstances, it seems you have never been out of your nada's influence, and so you have never experienced sanity in your own life. She has exerted such control over your life that you may not really believe that you have just as much power, just as much authority as she does. (You certainly have more knowledge, awareness and understanding than she does.) I know when I am with my nada, I often emotionally react to what she does just the same way as I would react when I was just a child. Dee's advice to get a good therapist and/or counselor is an excellent one. I know that you don't have much extra income, but this could be the most significant investment of your life. In my mind, it even takes precidence over saving for the European trip with daughter. There can always be other trips - and other horses - but we can never regain time lost. Perhaps someone who is there for you on a regular and dependable basis can coach you through what you need to do to get out from your nada's influence. There is a much, much better world out there than the life you and your daughter are currently living. I hope you can find your way to it. I know we are all wishing the same thing for you. Take care, Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 Thanks for the much needed support. i know I am at a point where I need huger thanhuge support. So I am happy I found that every other week support group. I also am happy I found a therapist on my insurance who knows all about BPD. Problem is i have to wait to see her for the first time on June 3 !!! Can't get here soon enough. My sister thinks I should write a note back to my nada in the mail saying " I have made my decision; you will not be hearing from me any further " type thing (so that she can go crazy and further try to wreck my life, of course), but I am not positive if I should do that or wait to see what the therapist says. It sounds ok for me to send a note like that; I just want to word it so there is no guess work or open ends. Theresa > I really don't think an official diagnosis of BPD really matters. If > a parent's behavior is toxic and destructive it is enough to set heavy > boundaries. Theresa, what will it change if you do get a real > diagnosis from a therapist about your nada. Nothing will change in > her behavior. She will still be there hammering at you and trying to > confuse and sway your daughter. The idea of going into therapy with > someone like your nada makes me cringe. I can't imagine any real good > can come of it. You know you are OK. Just do whatever it takes to > live your own life. > > It is obvious you have not achieved no contact with her. She is not > going to let you do that. Coming to get your daughter out of class is > so sneaky and such a low trick. Trying to make her feel bad because > she has delegated her previous horse chores to her friends is sick. > This is not a person who loves. Not you, not your daughter. It is > all a power struggle to her. She is intelligent and has the scruples > of a BPD. You can't win this conflict with the present situation the > way it is. She is too close, too intrusive, to entitled, too off balance. > > Telling your nada you are not ready 'yet' to be in contact with her > only feeds her obsession that someday you will be ready. She will > persist and you will not have a life for yourself and your daughter > free of her even if you are telling yourself you are going no contact. > This past week or two when you say you are no contact she has had > plenty of contact one way or another with you and your daughter. > > This is going to take bold and big changes for you to claim your life. > I really feel for you. You are so caught in her snare. I can't > imagine how awful and how all consumming this is for you. I get > frustrated just reading your posts. I can't begin to really know how > it must be for you. > > Sometimes we get so caught up in the struggle we can't see where we > want to be. Kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. Each > day of your life in going past and you are unable to really live them. > I'd practice being strong for you, but I know it has to come from > you. You really need a stong support system....a good therapist or > counsellor. Don't succumb. Be tough. Continue to be a good mom. I > can feel how much you live your daughter. Trust your gut feelings. > My best to you, Dee > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 Thanks for the much needed support. i know I am at a point where I need huger thanhuge support. So I am happy I found that every other week support group. I also am happy I found a therapist on my insurance who knows all about BPD. Problem is i have to wait to see her for the first time on June 3 !!! Can't get here soon enough. My sister thinks I should write a note back to my nada in the mail saying " I have made my decision; you will not be hearing from me any further " type thing (so that she can go crazy and further try to wreck my life, of course), but I am not positive if I should do that or wait to see what the therapist says. It sounds ok for me to send a note like that; I just want to word it so there is no guess work or open ends. Theresa > I really don't think an official diagnosis of BPD really matters. If > a parent's behavior is toxic and destructive it is enough to set heavy > boundaries. Theresa, what will it change if you do get a real > diagnosis from a therapist about your nada. Nothing will change in > her behavior. She will still be there hammering at you and trying to > confuse and sway your daughter. The idea of going into therapy with > someone like your nada makes me cringe. I can't imagine any real good > can come of it. You know you are OK. Just do whatever it takes to > live your own life. > > It is obvious you have not achieved no contact with her. She is not > going to let you do that. Coming to get your daughter out of class is > so sneaky and such a low trick. Trying to make her feel bad because > she has delegated her previous horse chores to her friends is sick. > This is not a person who loves. Not you, not your daughter. It is > all a power struggle to her. She is intelligent and has the scruples > of a BPD. You can't win this conflict with the present situation the > way it is. She is too close, too intrusive, to entitled, too off balance. > > Telling your nada you are not ready 'yet' to be in contact with her > only feeds her obsession that someday you will be ready. She will > persist and you will not have a life for yourself and your daughter > free of her even if you are telling yourself you are going no contact. > This past week or two when you say you are no contact she has had > plenty of contact one way or another with you and your daughter. > > This is going to take bold and big changes for you to claim your life. > I really feel for you. You are so caught in her snare. I can't > imagine how awful and how all consumming this is for you. I get > frustrated just reading your posts. I can't begin to really know how > it must be for you. > > Sometimes we get so caught up in the struggle we can't see where we > want to be. Kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. Each > day of your life in going past and you are unable to really live them. > I'd practice being strong for you, but I know it has to come from > you. You really need a stong support system....a good therapist or > counsellor. Don't succumb. Be tough. Continue to be a good mom. I > can feel how much you live your daughter. Trust your gut feelings. > My best to you, Dee > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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