Making sane friends

[Guest guest]

This is great, cntbreathe! Ooo, I think this is so important! I

wish we could get a thread going about specifics. I'd love to hear

people's stories about the early good and bad signs we've experienced

in our attempts to gather non-Nadaish friends and acquaintances.

Ivorysoap

>>>>>

> Also what I began to notice is that friends I would always make had

> Nada qualities and were not healthy friendships they were very

> enmeshed and eventually went bad. Somehow along the way I managed

to collect a few friends who did not have these Nada qualities, the

> realtionships were not enmeshed and I learned how to have some

> healthy realtionships. I guess I was lucky but what I do now if at

> first I'm really attracted to someone, I question it, I don't trust

> my own judgment because they usually have Nada qualities. It's the

> casual and sometimes unnoticeable relationships that usually wind

up being the best for me, they start off slow and very cautious

because of my lack of trust. They're not overly dramatic. Maybe

there are some good people around you that you don't even realize

could be your friends. I would consider trying to get your own

circle seperate

> from Nada.

> cntbreathe

>

>

[Guest guest]

I was just thinking about sharing my experience with having to build

basically an entire new life after a relationship with a now

ex-boyfriend ended due to domestic violence issues when you suggested

starting this thread. It doesn't involve anyone with BP but the

circumstances are very similar (setting boundaries in unhealthy

relationships).

I had been living with the now ex-boyfriend for almost 4 years when I

realized the relationship was not healthy and what I was experiencing

was verbal and emotional abuse that had escalated into physical abuse.

Our lives were very enmeshed as he had helped me start my business

and managed to convince me to be a 49% shareholder (thankfully I stood

my ground and insisted on being the majority at 51%, but he did want

to be in control). We also had some joint investment property

interests.

It took me 3-4 months to seek legal advice and plan how I would

extricate myself from this relationship. When I was ready, I asked

him to move out (I owned the house we lived in, his name was not on

the deed), and over the next three weeks all hell broke loose. He

apparently had anticipated something, because prior to my asking him

to move out he filed fake mortgage papers against the house - in an

amount to wipe out all my equity. While he told me he spent the first

few days in shock and mourning the end of our relationship, I later

found out he spent that time calling every utility that had his name

on it (some were joint, some he opened for us just out of convenience)

and made arrangements to have them all disconnected...but he never

told me. Keep in mind I work from home, so having things like your

phone service disconnected, and a block put on the numbers so you have

to get new phone numbers to get your phone reconnected are a big

problem. He had the " this number has been changed to " message point

to his new phone number. I had to call all my clients and prospects

and somehow explain why the abrupt change in phone numbers had

happened. He never relayed one message to me. It took us 5 months of

legal battles and a 13 hour mediation to finally sever all ties. I

ended up paying him a large chunk of cash to just go away.

I share this because throughout this whole ordeal I was very

traumatized emotionally, not to mention the financial strain. Its

hard to run a business when someone is trying to take it away from you

and foreclose on your house at the same time. At first I reached out

to various mutual friends, hoping someone would be willing to step in

and convince him what he was doing was unreasonable. To my surprise,

what happened instead was most of our mutual friends took his side,

because I was airing our dirty laundry inappropriately. That was a

big slap in the face. Its when I first realized domestic violence is

something nobody talks about. No wonder it is so prevalent! So I

decided to just step away from all our mutual friends and not reach

out to anyone - it was just too painful and I didn't need to be

rejected any more. I waited to see who reached out to me. I changed

churches, I changed health clubs. I even shopped at different grocery

stores so I wouldn't run into him. In hindsight, it was a very

healthy choice, as eventually it came out who my true friends were.

During this time a handful of our former mutual friends reached out to

me. I learned alot about boundaries and what real friends do, friends

that liked me for me. I had never experienced that before. While I

wouldn't wish that experience on anyone, I had alot of personal growth

and certainly an improvement in self esteem as a result.

Theresa, I was thinking of you when I shared this. Its hard to start

over with new friends, new church, and for you, a new homeschool

group. But if you do, you will develop new relationships, and you

will quickly see who your true friends are in your existing

relationships. Its much more peaceful and much healthier than always

trying to second-guess someone's motives.

Jeanine

>

> This is great, cntbreathe! Ooo, I think this is so important! I

> wish we could get a thread going about specifics. I'd love to hear

> people's stories about the early good and bad signs we've experienced

> in our attempts to gather non-Nadaish friends and acquaintances.

>

> Ivorysoap

>

> >>>>>

> > Also what I began to notice is that friends I would always make had

> > Nada qualities and were not healthy friendships they were very

> > enmeshed and eventually went bad. Somehow along the way I managed

> to collect a few friends who did not have these Nada qualities, the

> > realtionships were not enmeshed and I learned how to have some

> > healthy realtionships. I guess I was lucky but what I do now if at

> > first I'm really attracted to someone, I question it, I don't trust

> > my own judgment because they usually have Nada qualities. It's the

> > casual and sometimes unnoticeable relationships that usually wind

> up being the best for me, they start off slow and very cautious

> because of my lack of trust. They're not overly dramatic. Maybe

> there are some good people around you that you don't even realize

> could be your friends. I would consider trying to get your own

> circle seperate

> > from Nada.

> > cntbreathe

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I was just thinking about sharing my experience with having to build

basically an entire new life after a relationship with a now

ex-boyfriend ended due to domestic violence issues when you suggested

starting this thread. It doesn't involve anyone with BP but the

circumstances are very similar (setting boundaries in unhealthy

relationships).

I had been living with the now ex-boyfriend for almost 4 years when I

realized the relationship was not healthy and what I was experiencing

was verbal and emotional abuse that had escalated into physical abuse.

Our lives were very enmeshed as he had helped me start my business

and managed to convince me to be a 49% shareholder (thankfully I stood

my ground and insisted on being the majority at 51%, but he did want

to be in control). We also had some joint investment property

interests.

It took me 3-4 months to seek legal advice and plan how I would

extricate myself from this relationship. When I was ready, I asked

him to move out (I owned the house we lived in, his name was not on

the deed), and over the next three weeks all hell broke loose. He

apparently had anticipated something, because prior to my asking him

to move out he filed fake mortgage papers against the house - in an

amount to wipe out all my equity. While he told me he spent the first

few days in shock and mourning the end of our relationship, I later

found out he spent that time calling every utility that had his name

on it (some were joint, some he opened for us just out of convenience)

and made arrangements to have them all disconnected...but he never

told me. Keep in mind I work from home, so having things like your

phone service disconnected, and a block put on the numbers so you have

to get new phone numbers to get your phone reconnected are a big

problem. He had the " this number has been changed to " message point

to his new phone number. I had to call all my clients and prospects

and somehow explain why the abrupt change in phone numbers had

happened. He never relayed one message to me. It took us 5 months of

legal battles and a 13 hour mediation to finally sever all ties. I

ended up paying him a large chunk of cash to just go away.

I share this because throughout this whole ordeal I was very

traumatized emotionally, not to mention the financial strain. Its

hard to run a business when someone is trying to take it away from you

and foreclose on your house at the same time. At first I reached out

to various mutual friends, hoping someone would be willing to step in

and convince him what he was doing was unreasonable. To my surprise,

what happened instead was most of our mutual friends took his side,

because I was airing our dirty laundry inappropriately. That was a

big slap in the face. Its when I first realized domestic violence is

something nobody talks about. No wonder it is so prevalent! So I

decided to just step away from all our mutual friends and not reach

out to anyone - it was just too painful and I didn't need to be

rejected any more. I waited to see who reached out to me. I changed

churches, I changed health clubs. I even shopped at different grocery

stores so I wouldn't run into him. In hindsight, it was a very

healthy choice, as eventually it came out who my true friends were.

During this time a handful of our former mutual friends reached out to

me. I learned alot about boundaries and what real friends do, friends

that liked me for me. I had never experienced that before. While I

wouldn't wish that experience on anyone, I had alot of personal growth

and certainly an improvement in self esteem as a result.

Theresa, I was thinking of you when I shared this. Its hard to start

over with new friends, new church, and for you, a new homeschool

group. But if you do, you will develop new relationships, and you

will quickly see who your true friends are in your existing

relationships. Its much more peaceful and much healthier than always

trying to second-guess someone's motives.

Jeanine

>

> This is great, cntbreathe! Ooo, I think this is so important! I

> wish we could get a thread going about specifics. I'd love to hear

> people's stories about the early good and bad signs we've experienced

> in our attempts to gather non-Nadaish friends and acquaintances.

>

> Ivorysoap

>

> >>>>>

> > Also what I began to notice is that friends I would always make had

> > Nada qualities and were not healthy friendships they were very

> > enmeshed and eventually went bad. Somehow along the way I managed

> to collect a few friends who did not have these Nada qualities, the

> > realtionships were not enmeshed and I learned how to have some

> > healthy realtionships. I guess I was lucky but what I do now if at

> > first I'm really attracted to someone, I question it, I don't trust

> > my own judgment because they usually have Nada qualities. It's the

> > casual and sometimes unnoticeable relationships that usually wind

> up being the best for me, they start off slow and very cautious

> because of my lack of trust. They're not overly dramatic. Maybe

> there are some good people around you that you don't even realize

> could be your friends. I would consider trying to get your own

> circle seperate

> > from Nada.

> > cntbreathe

> >

> >