Re: Help me interpret nada's message

[Guest guest]

Incredible insight! Your words really have empowered me!!

lleigh

> > Can you help me interpret the meaning or intent behind the e-

mail?

>

> <<putting on Nada-decoder ring>>

>

> > I have thought and thought about what happened and I guess it is

> > true, I failed as a Mother.

>

> So she is " sorry " , but the tragedy is hers, not yours.

>

> > I am so sorry. I thought I was doing all

> > the right things at the time but I see now, I did all the wrong

> > things.

>

> Woe is her. Everything she did is wrong. Sounds like the

grandiose

> BP ego is working itself out here by being the most spectacular

> failure, and if you'll notice it's still all about her.

>

> > I wanted to give you the faith in God that my parents

> > had and that I wanted but I guess I failed at that too.

>

> So you are a " lost soul " , eh? I guess the implication being that

if

> you had faith in God, you would not view your Nada as

a " failure " .

> Does she seriously think that if you " got religion " you'd suddenly

> have no problems with her behaviour? Is she putting herself up

for

> sainthood now, or what? There's a distinct " martyred " tone to the

> whole thing, I think.

>

> > In teaching

> > you, my example was not good enough, I know that.

>

> Still with the " Oh poor me, how tragic that I wasn't good

enough. "

> But she's still keeping all the tragedy for herself, isn't she?

>

> > I know you both

> > love me but from my past, you expected the worst from me. You

felt

> > you had to give me rules of behavior and maybe I needed them.

>

> This looks on the surface like a concession to some degree ( " maybe

I

> needed them " ). But the previous sentence negates it. To me this

> translates to " You expected me to be a bad mother, and it's your

lack

> of faith that caused me to fail. "

>

> > I don't know, I only know that I am humbled and tired and

> > looking back is too hard any more.

>

> Ooooooo, nasty. So now she's too " tired " to take any

responsiblity

> for anything that happened in the past. She's giving herself

> permission to label you a cruel monster if you hold her

accountable

> for ANYTHING.

>

> > God must have wanted me to take this hard look

> > and I acknowledge it. Raising kids is the most important job he

> > gives us and I have always known that.

>

> So God planned all your childhood suffering so that Nada could

have

> this moment of alleged personal growth? Puh-leeeeeeze.

>

> > I guess I was

> > just too concerned with " me " to have been successful.

>

> Well, that's true! And it's STILL all about her isn't it?

>

> > With this

> > Mother's day about here, I have looked at myself and found me

> > failing. I love you both so much and pray that I have not

injured

> > you too badly.

>

> Now if a really loving mother learned that she had injured her

> children, she wouldn't just be going on about how sorry she was.

> She'd be all about THEM: " Tell me where it hurts and how can I fix

> it? " I hear none of that. What she's telling you is that EVEN IF

> SHE DID INJURE YOU, YOUR RECOVERY IS YOUR PROBLEM! She's

too " humble

> and tired " to help heal any of the hurt she caused. One of my

Nada's

> favourite refrains along this line was " you can't hold anything

> against me because I always did the best I could " . She used that

> with considerable success to defect all responsiblity for her

actions.

>

> > I pray that your faith in God will grow stronger and

> > that when you reach my age, you will know that God says " well

done " .

>

> Here we go with the martyr thing again. So she prays that you

will

> be less miserable than she is when you get to her age. The

> implications being that (a) nobody is more miserable than her and

(

> if you are less miserable than she is at her age, she will deserve

> credit for that because she prayed for you. There's also a hint

> of " If you are happy, it won't be because you deserve it! "

>

> > I love you both and I am so sorry.

>

> I completely agree with Sylvia that this is " all about her " , but I

> couldn't find the one sentence she said wasn't!

>

> Now my inner Editor wants to point something out: There are 15

> sentences in this email and the subject of 12 of them is " I " ! 2

of

> the other 3 are all about her, and the only one where " you " is the

> subject, she's talking about how badly you treated HER.

> (Grammatically, this shows a pretty pathological degree of self-

> absorption!)

>

> There is ZERO awareness of your experience, your feelings, your

pain,

> let alone taking responsiblity for her actions causing them!

>

> If I had to sum it up I'd say it means: " I am such a miserable

> failure and am suffering so much, that you MUST feel sorry for

me. "

> Notice she doesn't ask for forgiveness, she EXPECTS absolution.

> In " BP logic " , her extreme self-pity entitles her to absolution

for

> anything she might have done. A real mother would only think

about

> herself enough to beg your forgiveness AFTER she'd done everything

> she could to help you heal.

>

> I think one of the hardest things for us KOs to wrap our heads

around

> is that to our Nadas/Fadas, other people are just not real; they

are

> objects with no thoughts and feelings other than what Nada/Fada

> projects onto them.

>

> I had to go through a brutal grieving process to let go of the

hope

> that somehow I could somehow " get through " to my Nada and she'd

> really SEE me. The grief still revisits me even though my Nada's

> been dead for 6 years now, but it does get easier.

>

> One of the hardest lessons for me was that it's crucial not to

> interpret Nada-speak from the nonBP perspective, where other

people

> ARE real and DO matter...you'll get hoovered for sure!

>

> Hugs,

>