Re: Feeling shame/guilt for two

[Guest guest]

Did your mom make excuses to you for what she did? As a child, do

you think you felt a responsibility for helping her, because you

thought she couldn't help herself? Often our BP moms make us feel

that whatever has happened, it is our fault, and we often take this

with us into our adult lives. I am not familar with the term

projective identification, so I don't have an answer to that

questions.

Sylvia

> Over the years, when my mom would borrow money from people then

dodge

> them to avoid paying it back, she did not seem to care yet I was

full

> of shame and guilt for what she had done. Whatever it was that she

> was doing that she ought to have felt SOMETHING about, she never

cared

> at all, yet I had a problem looking people in the face or keep

myself

> from feeling bad for what she had done to them. Is this projective

> identification? It's a new term I'm reading up on. Or did I just

> take it on myself? And why? Why if I had her as my only example

did

> I just not care either? Why am I SOOOOO full of empathy that I have

> trouble not explaining away every bad thing someone has ever done to

> me (though at least I am not prone to revictimization-- I might

> understand why they did it but heck if I'll allow them to do it

again).

>

> Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Why if I had her as my only example did

> I just not care either? Why am I SOOOOO full of empathy that I have

> trouble not explaining away every bad thing someone has ever done to

> me >

***** Perhaps for the same reason I felt shame for my mom being the town

whore. Something within you said it was wrong & perhaps you heard some of

the talk of the town & it cut deep because it was your mother that was doing

it & being talked about badly?

There is no argument against the truth.

Debbie

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have heard that we seek out similar relationships in our adult life

in order to repeat our past until we can get it right. It may be

helpful if we realize what we are doing, but if we don't, then I

guess we are just repeating all the pain and not getting to the

resolution.

And I guess there is also the theory that we just gravitate to what

we already know. Dysfunction people seem to have a sort of radar,

and they can tell if someone is going to be sympathetic to them.

That is something that makes us vunerable. We have been conditioned

to accept bad treatment.

Sylvia

>

> " Often our BP moms make us feel

> that whatever has happened, it is our fault, and we often take this

> with us into our adult lives. "

> Perhaps it is this trait that sets us up for a BP relationship in

our adult lives?

> Otwoma

>

[Guest guest]

My only two cents to add to this was that I saw the reactions of others

when nada did something; that told me my seat of logic was correct. I was

validated by adults. As kids, we also see movies and television, which, no

matter how many times I tried to find a mother as horrible as mine, I came

up lame.

The most powerful reason I probably was so overly empathic as a child

was that I needed to have my young mind focus on something other than nada

being out of control. Alot of kids of BPs I am sure create " issues " for

themselves so they could just get away in their mind from their nada.

Can I get a witness? LOL

>

>Reply-To: ModOasis

>To: <ModOasis >

>Subject: Re: Feeling shame/guilt for two

>Date: Fri, 2 Jul 2004 00:21:26 -0400

>

>

>

>

> Why if I had her as my only example did

> > I just not care either? Why am I SOOOOO full of empathy that I have

> > trouble not explaining away every bad thing someone has ever done to

> > me >

>

>***** Perhaps for the same reason I felt shame for my mom being the town

>whore. Something within you said it was wrong & perhaps you heard some of

>the talk of the town & it cut deep because it was your mother that was

>doing

>it & being talked about badly?

>There is no argument against the truth.

> Debbie

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

>1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

> My nada is a grown woman of 42 years still making excuses. Her

idea of an

> aplogy was < " Im sorry for being a bad mother but YOU were such a

BAD CHILD I

> couldnt do any better. I did my best but you were so AWFUL my best

wasnt good

> enough. Im sorry you made me hurt you. "

I have heard this plenty from my mom, but without any acknowledgement

that she could have possibly hurt me or my siblings. What I really

believe about the type of statement that you're quoting is when they

say it, they're really talking about themselves. They were the bad

children, they were awful, they were unlovable, they made people hurt

them, etc etc etc. Like I know I was not a perfect child and I

sometimes feel bad about myself, but when a child makes a mistake

that I made when I was little, I am able to separate myself from that

child-- meaning, I know that children make mistakes, that does not

make the child bad, and it's not something that the child should be

hurt and degraded for. That is an ability my nada lacks.