rules for tonight

[Guest guest]

Hi sweet list-eners,

I must have dinner with my immediate family tonight, and I need to

post my rules for all of you. I'm not feeling strong right now--too

many stressors and not enough uppers (well--you know what I mean)

for too long. So already I am starting on a rough playing field.

That being said, I am going to try my very best to be graceful. I

am going to drive to their home city and go out to eat w/them, spend

the night and then come back in the morning. I know it's not ideal

but I have a terror of driving the interstate at night, so if I want

to go to this particular celebration, I am going to choose the

lesser of two evils by staying at nada's house. I wish I had

someone to help me--someone to drive me or be there and support me.

But I don't. If I want to be loving to my family and celebrate this

dinner w/the non-nada members, this is what I have to go through.

And I accept that.

Here are some rules:

bring cash for a taxi. If dinner is too offensive, I am not

trapped. I can order a taxi and leave.

bring my cell phone everywhere. I can call a friend to help me

drive out of the city if things get truly desperate.

if any topics come up that are unacceptable, any statements, i'll

say, let's not talk about that right now. usually it's the tone and

the implications that are unacceptable, unfortunately, smarmy and

hard to follow ...

Here are some things I must keep in mind:

Going to this dinner does NOT mean I accept nada's reality. It

means I want to celbrate and show support for this event only. It

does not mean that I accept anything negative or distorted about

myself.

I am not dependent on them--not financially or otherwise. I am in

no way 'falling apart' or anything they would have me believe. I

have my own jobs and my own life. My accomplishments and my

personality are meaningful and valid. My worth is not subject to

their whim of whether I will be split good and hoovered or split bad

and humiliated. Any attempts of theirs to humiliate me in this

restaraunt will only make THEM look desperate and bad. All I have

to do is keep a kind tone, tell them 'let's not talk about that

tonight' and remember I am a graceful and valid person, and loving

my family enough to celebrate this dinner with them does not make it

otherwise.

Going to this dinner does not mean that ANY of their wished for

realities about me are true. I am not desperate or graceless or

disgusting. My inner beauty is authentic, just like everyone else's

in this world. Going to this dinner does not mean I agree to

exploitation of my person to feed their destructive pathologies.

I will keep talking about myself to a minimum, understanding that I

haven't had time to work out all the details of what they might say,

do and imply to annihilate me. (Believe me, they are masters at

it). Some topics to avoid--my clothes, my opinions, concerns and

emotions (duh!), my love life (Of COURSE, always), anything except

the most basic aspects of my career and public life--though even

that can be effectively discounted when they are of the mind to do

so and work in teams. Except that I won't let them, because any

reasonable person would view my public life as valid and

constructive.

Ok that's enough. I'm really not ready for this, but I insist on

showing support for my family nonetheless. I avoided Thanksgiving

and I can't just avoid them at every turn. Also I'm still trying to

fake them out, keep them from realizing I am effecting a gradual

withdrawal, that I 'know' about their bpd. (They still have no

idea). So there ARE selfish reasons for me going as well.

It is not fair to have a nada and I would never wish it on anyone.

Take care

ChCh