Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 Hi and welcome to the group. If your son continues to visit your mother I would continue to go with him. That way you are presenting a united front to your nada and also keeping him from being in the position of having your mother try to manipulate him. My son is in college and we still go together to visit my mother. She is one of the less overtly crazy nadas I've read about here, but this works well for us because she has made him feel uncomfortable in the past and I know how her mind works. Lark > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > that I need help with. > > BACKGROUND: > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my extended > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't find > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > years, I have learned my lesson! > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > be born!). > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle I > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived and > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B on > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less than > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > you see it happen to someone you love! > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided to > divorce. > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper-middle > class lifestyle). > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to go > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > came home saying that the school had basically described their > grandmother! > > PROBLEM: > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > what her retaliation will be to this. > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud to > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some of > his > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > Thanks. > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 Hi and welcome to the group. If your son continues to visit your mother I would continue to go with him. That way you are presenting a united front to your nada and also keeping him from being in the position of having your mother try to manipulate him. My son is in college and we still go together to visit my mother. She is one of the less overtly crazy nadas I've read about here, but this works well for us because she has made him feel uncomfortable in the past and I know how her mind works. Lark > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > that I need help with. > > BACKGROUND: > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my extended > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't find > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > years, I have learned my lesson! > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > be born!). > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle I > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived and > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B on > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less than > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > you see it happen to someone you love! > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided to > divorce. > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper-middle > class lifestyle). > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to go > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > came home saying that the school had basically described their > grandmother! > > PROBLEM: > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > what her retaliation will be to this. > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud to > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some of > his > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > Thanks. > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 I think Lark's suggestion is a very good one. My nada doesn't do this sort of thing - I guess that is something I should be grateful for. Even though your son is growing up, he still needs adult support in these types of situations. It sounds like you and your son have a good understanding of what your mother is doing. Have you considered a restraining order? I would be thinking about meeting with mother and your son, and explaining to her what is expected of her behavior, and what the consequences will be if she again tries this type of behavior. But don't do anything like that unless you are willing to follow through. You could also reassure your son that people will not believe your mother, because they know what she is saying isn't true, and that by her behavior it is obvious that she is sick. Good luck to you, Sylvia > > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > > that I need help with. > > > > BACKGROUND: > > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my > extended > > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't > find > > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > > years, I have learned my lesson! > > > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > > be born!). > > > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle > I > > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived > and > > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B > on > > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less > than > > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > > you see it happen to someone you love! > > > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided > to > > divorce. > > > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper- middle > > class lifestyle). > > > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to > go > > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > > came home saying that the school had basically described their > > grandmother! > > > > PROBLEM: > > > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > > what her retaliation will be to this. > > > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud > to > > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some > of > > his > > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > > > Thanks. > > > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 I think Lark's suggestion is a very good one. My nada doesn't do this sort of thing - I guess that is something I should be grateful for. Even though your son is growing up, he still needs adult support in these types of situations. It sounds like you and your son have a good understanding of what your mother is doing. Have you considered a restraining order? I would be thinking about meeting with mother and your son, and explaining to her what is expected of her behavior, and what the consequences will be if she again tries this type of behavior. But don't do anything like that unless you are willing to follow through. You could also reassure your son that people will not believe your mother, because they know what she is saying isn't true, and that by her behavior it is obvious that she is sick. Good luck to you, Sylvia > > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > > that I need help with. > > > > BACKGROUND: > > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my > extended > > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't > find > > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > > years, I have learned my lesson! > > > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > > be born!). > > > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle > I > > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived > and > > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B > on > > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less > than > > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > > you see it happen to someone you love! > > > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided > to > > divorce. > > > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper- middle > > class lifestyle). > > > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to > go > > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > > came home saying that the school had basically described their > > grandmother! > > > > PROBLEM: > > > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > > what her retaliation will be to this. > > > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud > to > > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some > of > > his > > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > > > Thanks. > > > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2004 Report Share Posted June 25, 2004 I think Lark's suggestion is a very good one. My nada doesn't do this sort of thing - I guess that is something I should be grateful for. Even though your son is growing up, he still needs adult support in these types of situations. It sounds like you and your son have a good understanding of what your mother is doing. Have you considered a restraining order? I would be thinking about meeting with mother and your son, and explaining to her what is expected of her behavior, and what the consequences will be if she again tries this type of behavior. But don't do anything like that unless you are willing to follow through. You could also reassure your son that people will not believe your mother, because they know what she is saying isn't true, and that by her behavior it is obvious that she is sick. Good luck to you, Sylvia > > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > > that I need help with. > > > > BACKGROUND: > > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my > extended > > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't > find > > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > > years, I have learned my lesson! > > > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > > be born!). > > > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle > I > > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived > and > > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B > on > > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less > than > > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > > you see it happen to someone you love! > > > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided > to > > divorce. > > > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper- middle > > class lifestyle). > > > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to > go > > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > > came home saying that the school had basically described their > > grandmother! > > > > PROBLEM: > > > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > > what her retaliation will be to this. > > > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud > to > > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some > of > > his > > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > > > Thanks. > > > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > > getting used to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2004 Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 The best advice that I could give is just to tell your son to stay away from her if that is his wish. There is one more possibility. How about if your son tells her that if she says anything bad about any of you he will never come around again. Sometimes that will work, but not always. I am not a therapist so what ever you do, I will not be held responsible. Personally I just wouldn't go around her any more. But then that is just me. Debbie Suggestions > I'm new at this and have certainly gained some insight through > reading some of the posts here. I have a potential future problem > that I need help with. > > BACKGROUND: > When my mother gets upset (can be as trivial as looking at her the > wrong way) she retaliates by cutting that person out of her life and > then doing an all out character assasination on them. I am an only > child (46 years old) and have lost every single member of my extended > family that way! When I was younger and my mother told me that she > would no longer have anything to do with my favorite aunt because my > aunt (who could no longer drive and lived 2 hours away) couldn't find > a ride to attend one of my mother's parties...I felt my mother must > have been covering up some horrible deed my aunt did...after all who > would " disown " someone for not finding a ride!!! Anyway, through the > years, I have learned my lesson! > > To try to make a very long story short...after living away from my > parents for about 15 years, my parents moved to the same town where > my husband, young son and I were living. My husband (at the time) > was (actually he still is) a physician and they thought he might be > of some help as my father was very ill. My mother hated my husband > but adored the fact that he made a fabulous income. My father died > within 6 months of theirmove...and I had another child a month > later. My mother blamed the birth of my second son for the death of > my father (You know the old saying.... 1 person dies for 1 person to > be born!). > > Anyway, knowing that my mother was alone in this world (with the > exception of us), I decided to include her in my family as much as > possible and tried to help get her new friends, etc. in her " new " > town. We included her on fabulous trips, helped pay for her condo, > gave her a monthly " allowance " , etc. My husband was abusive and > although she hated him, she encouraged me to stay for the lifestyle I > could give her and my 2 sons. Up to this point, my mother could not > have been nicer to me.....after all, I was finally allowing her to > have the lifestyle she had always dreamed of! > > My mother at this point decided to become even more involved with my > boys...or I should say my oldest son. She started to refer to them > as her boys and she started to make my oldest son's life, her life. > He was 6 at the time and had started to swim. She basically lived and > breathed my son's swimming. If he won a medal...she deserved it > because she had worked just as hard as he did for it. If he had a > sore throat and I wouldn't let him go swimming, he got in trouble > with her. I kept telling him not to worry about it, but by the time > he was 9...he honestly felt he couldn't swim without her. I also > heard her arguing with him when he told her that he had gotten a B on > a test...that no grandchild of hers would ever get anything less than > an A. When I finally realized that shewas doing to him what she > had done to me growing up, I knew I had to distance him from her. > It's funny how sometimes you can't see how wrong something is until > you see it happen to someone you love! > > At the same time, enough was enough with my husband, and I decided to > divorce. > > I never thought my mother would actually disown me ( although I had > been threatened with it since I was little) since she had no one > else. Needless to say, when the potential of losing her new > lifestyle finally hit her and I began to distance my son from her, > the gates of hell were finally opened and directed straight at me! > How dare I do this to her! (I should say at this point, that without > my ex-husband's help, she still had a very comfortable upper-middle > class lifestyle). > > I want to make it clear that I never kept my sons from her...I just > simply limited their visitations with her. My mother had agreed to go > to a psychologist with us, but walked out after the second visit. At > least my children have been told by a psychologist that she is very > ill (not that that actually makes it any easier!). When my > children's school had an assembly on emotional abuse... my children > came home saying that the school had basically described their > grandmother! > > PROBLEM: > > Up to now, I have limited my childrens visitation with their > grandmother. Most times, I have forced them to go...and my youngest > has made me promise I will never make him go alone. > > In 3 months, my oldest son will get his driver's permit. Once he > gets his drivers license, my mother has told him that she knows he > will start coming by to see her everyday and that I can't stop him > anymore. She honestly thinks she is the best grandmother that ever > existed and that my 2 sons idolize her!!!! > > Anyway, my son has told me that he has no intention of doing that. > He will visit her occassionly but not very often. He is afraid of > what her retaliation will be to this. > > He has been a witness to her character assasinations of me ( she > likes to call me up to tell me what she has told people...she likes > to see the looks on their faces!) He is scared of what she will do > to him...in terms of emotional abuse. My son still swims(I'm proud to > say that he is own of the top swimmers in our state for his age > group). She has actually come and pulled him out of swim practice to > tell him that she is disowning me! She has actually disowned me at a > swim meet. I had not arrived yet and she disowned me infront of the > entire team. The other mother's refuse to tell me exactly what she > said, but they said they couldn't believe what came out of her > mouth. She told them to tell me to get everything I owned out of her > storage unit when the swim meet was over. I did...and when the last > thing was packed in the car...she wanted to know if we could all go > out to eat and just be friends!!!!! > > Anyway, my son realizes what my mother is like and now, so do some of > his > friends. He is at that age when he cares what his peers think. > > Sorry about all this rambling but any ideas on how my son should > handle this situation with my mother? Hopefully, she won't do her > usual emotional blackmail on him but I don't trust her....would just > appreciate suggestions on how to avoid this potential problem. > > Thanks. > > PS. She'll probably just blame everything on me and I'll just have > to go through character assasination one more time for turning her > grandchildren against her! Although it always hurts, by now I'm > getting used to it! > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2004 Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 << How about if your son tells her that if she says anything bad about any of you he will never come around again. >> OK in principle, but never say " never " . That is the BPD's weapon, turning it back on her just adds fuel to the fire. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Hi! Here's " two cents " worth.......... I agree. My two children were adults when they voluntarily visited mother a few times during the four years she and I were estranged before her death last year. She'd immediately begin denigrating me, but my son proudly told me afterwards (no prompting from me beforehand) that he told her they hadn't come to listen to her knock their mother. She'd sputter and fuss a bit, then settle down into a nice quality visit. Like a child, they had to set the same boundaries with her each time, and when she knew they wouldn't put up with her crap, she'd fall in line. With young children, things aren't so easy, because they're still so mallable. When I think back to when my chlordane were still at home in the 1980s, I tried to walk the fence to keep the peace, so I know what it's like. It's not easy to set tough boundaries and stick to them because of the backlash. And it's even more difficult to expect young children to set them with an adult. I wish everyone much luck and success with their issues. SmileS Carol Deborah Kovak wrote: > The best advice that I could give is just to tell your son to stay away from > her if that is his wish. There is one more possibility. How about if your > son tells her that if she says anything bad about any of you he will never > come around again. Sometimes that will work, but not always. I am not a > therapist so what ever you do, I will not be held responsible. > Personally I just wouldn't go around her any more. But then that is just me. > Debbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Actually Dan, It works with my mother so I thought it may work for her. That is the only reason I thought of it. I just turn the flames back on my mother if I can. It helps me to control her behavior just a little bit. My mother treats others in a manner that she doesn't like to be treated. So most times it is easy to use her own tricks against her. I have been watching her behavior the last few years & the reactions she has to various behavior. I have tried to experiment a little bit. Such as what does she do when I do this or that. I make a mental note on what upsets her, what makes her change an attitude or behavior. Just little stuff like that. Since I have started bouncing a few things back her way, she doesn't like me very much. But she does change things as I don't react the same way I once did. I didn't even react the same old way when she told me that the Doctor has given her 1 year to live. I know that she has got to be asking herself what she did wrong in order to lose her grip on me. I could tell her, but I think that I will leave her in the dark. Debbie Re: Suggestions > << How about if your son tells her that if she says anything bad > about any of you he will never come around again. >> > > OK in principle, but never say " never " . That is the BPD's weapon, > turning it back on her just adds fuel to the fire. > > - Dan > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just don't communicate with her any more. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just don't communicate with her any more. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just don't communicate with her any more. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Dan wrote: > Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of > things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more > clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just > don't communicate with her any more. Hi Dan, 'Way to go. Some of us KOs just have to cut that umbilical cord all by ourself in our adult years. Who woulda thot, when we were little kids, that the answer could be that simple?? But then, it was never supposed to be that way. Every kid deserves to be cherished by a warm loving mother. - Edith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Dan wrote: > Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of > things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more > clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just > don't communicate with her any more. Hi Dan, 'Way to go. Some of us KOs just have to cut that umbilical cord all by ourself in our adult years. Who woulda thot, when we were little kids, that the answer could be that simple?? But then, it was never supposed to be that way. Every kid deserves to be cherished by a warm loving mother. - Edith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Dan wrote: > Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of > things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more > clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just > don't communicate with her any more. Hi Dan, 'Way to go. Some of us KOs just have to cut that umbilical cord all by ourself in our adult years. Who woulda thot, when we were little kids, that the answer could be that simple?? But then, it was never supposed to be that way. Every kid deserves to be cherished by a warm loving mother. - Edith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Dan, If I have learned anything over the years is that everyone has a weak spot or spots. Also, you can learn things even from someone who is your enemy. I rarely ever use a lot of the stuff I know on anyone unless they really are obnoxious & just being an A**hole. Then I am very careful as to how to use it. I like your way best though, its kinder on the nervous system. Debbie Re: Suggestions > Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of > things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more > clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just > don't communicate with her any more. > > - Dan > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Dan, If I have learned anything over the years is that everyone has a weak spot or spots. Also, you can learn things even from someone who is your enemy. I rarely ever use a lot of the stuff I know on anyone unless they really are obnoxious & just being an A**hole. Then I am very careful as to how to use it. I like your way best though, its kinder on the nervous system. Debbie Re: Suggestions > Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of > things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more > clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just > don't communicate with her any more. > > - Dan > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2004 Report Share Posted June 29, 2004 Dan, If I have learned anything over the years is that everyone has a weak spot or spots. Also, you can learn things even from someone who is your enemy. I rarely ever use a lot of the stuff I know on anyone unless they really are obnoxious & just being an A**hole. Then I am very careful as to how to use it. I like your way best though, its kinder on the nervous system. Debbie Re: Suggestions > Debbie, I guess if anything works, it is useful. I tried lots of > things and I found out that whatever I tried, my nada is much more > clever at messing me up than I am at protecting myself. So I just > don't communicate with her any more. > > - Dan > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 << If I have learned anything over the years is that everyone has a weak spot or spots. Also, you can learn things even from someone who is your enemy. >> Debbie, that is an interesting idea. My image of Nada doesn't have any weak spots. She seems to be all-powerful. Nobody ever bested her. Well, there were two times in her life she had to back down, but she had 3 people including Fada ganged up on her each time. Once it was about getting a dog (she was against it) and once it was about flying lessons for my brother (she was against it). If I could find her weak spot, I could use it to attack the destructive demon which she put in me and which I cannot drive out. How can I find it? Each time I probe for a weak spot, I fail to find it, and it is me who becomes weaker. Help! Could the fact that she is against everything be a weak spot? How could it be used? - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 << If I have learned anything over the years is that everyone has a weak spot or spots. Also, you can learn things even from someone who is your enemy. >> Debbie, that is an interesting idea. My image of Nada doesn't have any weak spots. She seems to be all-powerful. Nobody ever bested her. Well, there were two times in her life she had to back down, but she had 3 people including Fada ganged up on her each time. Once it was about getting a dog (she was against it) and once it was about flying lessons for my brother (she was against it). If I could find her weak spot, I could use it to attack the destructive demon which she put in me and which I cannot drive out. How can I find it? Each time I probe for a weak spot, I fail to find it, and it is me who becomes weaker. Help! Could the fact that she is against everything be a weak spot? How could it be used? - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 << If I have learned anything over the years is that everyone has a weak spot or spots. Also, you can learn things even from someone who is your enemy. >> Debbie, that is an interesting idea. My image of Nada doesn't have any weak spots. She seems to be all-powerful. Nobody ever bested her. Well, there were two times in her life she had to back down, but she had 3 people including Fada ganged up on her each time. Once it was about getting a dog (she was against it) and once it was about flying lessons for my brother (she was against it). If I could find her weak spot, I could use it to attack the destructive demon which she put in me and which I cannot drive out. How can I find it? Each time I probe for a weak spot, I fail to find it, and it is me who becomes weaker. Help! Could the fact that she is against everything be a weak spot? How could it be used? - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 > > If I could find her weak spot, I could use it to attack the > destructive demon which she put in me and which I cannot drive out. > How can I find it? Each time I probe for a weak spot, I fail to find > it, and it is me who becomes weaker. Help! Could the fact that she > is against everything be a weak spot? How could it be used? > > - Dan Dan, I have found my mothers weak spots or reasons for her actions but only when she is alone with me and then she will spend years telling me I am crazy that she never said the things she said. It is awful because she makes her rounds, behind my back. putting thoughts and words into other people's minds and with just enough truth that I hang myself without ever knowing how and when. Can You relate? Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 > > If I could find her weak spot, I could use it to attack the > destructive demon which she put in me and which I cannot drive out. > How can I find it? Each time I probe for a weak spot, I fail to find > it, and it is me who becomes weaker. Help! Could the fact that she > is against everything be a weak spot? How could it be used? > > - Dan Dan, I have found my mothers weak spots or reasons for her actions but only when she is alone with me and then she will spend years telling me I am crazy that she never said the things she said. It is awful because she makes her rounds, behind my back. putting thoughts and words into other people's minds and with just enough truth that I hang myself without ever knowing how and when. Can You relate? Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 > > If I could find her weak spot, I could use it to attack the > destructive demon which she put in me and which I cannot drive out. > How can I find it? Each time I probe for a weak spot, I fail to find > it, and it is me who becomes weaker. Help! Could the fact that she > is against everything be a weak spot? How could it be used? > > - Dan Dan, I have found my mothers weak spots or reasons for her actions but only when she is alone with me and then she will spend years telling me I am crazy that she never said the things she said. It is awful because she makes her rounds, behind my back. putting thoughts and words into other people's minds and with just enough truth that I hang myself without ever knowing how and when. Can You relate? Vicki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 30, 2004 Report Share Posted June 30, 2004 Vicki, I can relate to what you say. << I have found my mothers weak spots or reasons for her actions but only when she is alone with me and then she will spend years telling me I am crazy that she never said the things she said. >> Did I understand right that the weak spot is that what she is telling you isn't true? << It is awful because she makes her rounds, behind my back. putting thoughts and words into other people's minds and with just enough truth that I hang myself without ever knowing how and when. >> She is telling the family about my BIID (body integrity identity disorder). The story that got back to me is that I am searching desperately throughout Europe for a surgeon to take my leg off. She has no business spreading this around, and besides her version is wrong. The truth is that I already found a surgeon in Asia who will do it. I went through my journal and I am convinced that these body identity feelings cannot go away. I have made no progress in reducing them. At least the field of action is narrowed. I must either accept the sometimes agonizing feelings as a permanent emotional handicap, or get rid of them by surgery and accept a physical handicap. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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