Guest guest Posted December 31, 2004 Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 Hi Dee, I spent a lot my time just tuning my Nada out, not really realizing that what she was doing was gaslighting. Again it seems to come back to if you don't think like them they think you're against them. Just a few comments regarding what you wrote . . . > > All my life I lived with gaslighting. > Whenever I was with her I would come away feeling I was dishonest for > not challenging some of her statements as they were so obviously > untrue. She could completely change the facts in the same story > within minutes if she decided that would get her what she wanted. We > never called her on it. > During the past two years I have tried to point out some of that to > her. Of course, it changed nothing. When I finally got up the courage > to tell her why I was withdrawing somewhat from her and that I could > no longer listen to her constantly negative talk, nor have her calling > me telling me I have hurt her deeply over nothing. She denied being > negative. I told her it must be hard to live feeling so hurt and > angry all the time. Of course, she denied it and said she wasn't > unhappy. > After telling her those things, I have felt much better knowing when > she dies at least she will know how I feel. I have also not felt the > need to talk about her incessantly, and am able to listen to her > without feeling that I am being dishonest. I no longer try to > challenge her as I know it it futile and a waste of my energy. But I > not longer feel something is wrong with me for listening. It just > doesn't go inside me like it used to. ============================ I think this is great detaching! > > She is a pathetic figure and I know she suffers constantly from > paranoia, and guilt. But I can't waste my energy even feeling too bad > for her, because it doesn't benefit her or me. I probably sound hard > and jaded. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and > relationship with her. I feel free for the first time. It's ok for > me to have a good time with my children and grandchildren and not feel > guilty that she isn't included. I KNOW I am a good daughter even > though she will never be satisfied with what I can give her. ======================= I don't think this is hard or jaded or cold (what my Nada would call me). I think it's just pretty darn healthy. > Dee Pat on the back Dee cntbreathe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2004 Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 Hi Dee, I spent a lot my time just tuning my Nada out, not really realizing that what she was doing was gaslighting. Again it seems to come back to if you don't think like them they think you're against them. Just a few comments regarding what you wrote . . . > > All my life I lived with gaslighting. > Whenever I was with her I would come away feeling I was dishonest for > not challenging some of her statements as they were so obviously > untrue. She could completely change the facts in the same story > within minutes if she decided that would get her what she wanted. We > never called her on it. > During the past two years I have tried to point out some of that to > her. Of course, it changed nothing. When I finally got up the courage > to tell her why I was withdrawing somewhat from her and that I could > no longer listen to her constantly negative talk, nor have her calling > me telling me I have hurt her deeply over nothing. She denied being > negative. I told her it must be hard to live feeling so hurt and > angry all the time. Of course, she denied it and said she wasn't > unhappy. > After telling her those things, I have felt much better knowing when > she dies at least she will know how I feel. I have also not felt the > need to talk about her incessantly, and am able to listen to her > without feeling that I am being dishonest. I no longer try to > challenge her as I know it it futile and a waste of my energy. But I > not longer feel something is wrong with me for listening. It just > doesn't go inside me like it used to. ============================ I think this is great detaching! > > She is a pathetic figure and I know she suffers constantly from > paranoia, and guilt. But I can't waste my energy even feeling too bad > for her, because it doesn't benefit her or me. I probably sound hard > and jaded. I am happier than I have ever been in my life and > relationship with her. I feel free for the first time. It's ok for > me to have a good time with my children and grandchildren and not feel > guilty that she isn't included. I KNOW I am a good daughter even > though she will never be satisfied with what I can give her. ======================= I don't think this is hard or jaded or cold (what my Nada would call me). I think it's just pretty darn healthy. > Dee Pat on the back Dee cntbreathe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 31, 2004 Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 You are right. My nada was very ambivalence to her children. I remember a film called 'Gaslighting' with Ingmar Bergmann. The film showed impressive how destructive gaslighting can be to (sane) people. Happy New Year, everyone. Gerard > > Hi KOs, > > My younger brother used the word " gaslighting " to describe nada > recently (maybe he's finally getting it???). I've seen the term > before but I looked it up again. Basically gaslighting is when > someone you trust (or you're supposed to trust) forces you to accept > their version of reality, even when you know it's wrong. It's a form > of brainwashing to control others, to force them to be dependent > without question on what you say. > > It's definitely what my nada does, and why my perspective is so > skewed. She'd often do it purposely, change her mind to test us, > make sure she still controlled our reality ( " No, the sky isn't blue, > it's green. No wait, it's purple. Now what color is the sky? (hint: > it's not purple and you'll be in BIG trouble if you say it is) " ). > > Apparently nada attacked my younger brother and he yelled at her to > stop. She started to cry and asked him why he was so abusive towards > her. Later she wrote up a " contract " outlining the things she would > no longer allow him to do to her. I have no doubt she'll make him > sign it. > > It's interesting (and very sad) to witness nada pull the same junk > on my younger brothers that she did to me, now that I'm out of the > house and able to see it better. It just confirms what I already > knew about her, that she's vindictive, controlling, and resentful. I > just worry about my younger brother, who is still living there. He > reports being unable to stop shaking after fights like those. > Everybody is begging him to leave, but he just can't seem to do it > (he's 23, so he can move out). > > I've decided that nada will have no part in my life for the > forseeable (and maybe distant) future. I tried thinking about > contacting her again, but I just have no desire whatsoever to let > that junk back into my life. She can have her anger and bitterness. > I want peace. And if that means never speaking to her again, so be > it. > > Happy New Year, everyone! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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