Re: New to group-Forgiveness

May 31, 2004

Hi M,

Welcome to ModOais! I wanted to address the forgiveness issue and

hopefully get some good feedback from others on the subject as well.

Glad you found us.

Forgiveness is a necessary part of the healing process. But for us

KO's (and other victims of abuse by an abuser who does not

acknowledge or repent the abuse), forgiveness is extremely difficult.

It seems like our Nadas must earn our forgiveness, but that

philosophy gives the reward of forgiveness to the Nada, not the KO.

Happily, forgiveness does not require repentance from the abuser,

only reconciliation does. You can forgive or release Nada from the

debt she owes (our Nadas owe us one nurturing mother who loves us

unconditionally, respects our differences, values our choices,

validates our emotions, and on and on…) without her even having

knowledge of it. Forgiveness can free us and help us heal our KO

wounds. Now with all this said, I have still not forgiven my Nada.

I'm just not there yet, but I do believe in the healing and freedom

that I will experience when I am ready to forgive. I am still trying

to understand what all of my wounds are. My heart can't release the

debt until I have a better understanding of what I have been robbed

of. ModOasis, SWOE, UBM, SBP, other books on healing, and therapy

have all been incredibly therapeutic in helping me understand what I

have tolerated all my life, so I am getting there, slowly, slowly….

This is an excerpt on forgiveness from CHANGES THAT HEAL by Henry

Cloud,

" We must forgive others' debts in order to be healed. If we don't, we

are handcuffing ourselves to the one who hurt us. Forgiveness is the

knife that will cut through those handcuffs. Letting someone off the

hook for what they have done to you is freeing yourself from that

abusive relationship. Bitterness and holding a grudge will forever

connect you to your abuser. When we can sever that tie through

forgiveness, and then accept those who have hurt us as God has

accepted us, then we are free to integrate our own " bad " and

unforgiven parts. No part of us that is tied to others by revenge

will love and be loved. "

An excerpt on forgiveness from SURVIVING A BORDERLINE PARENT by Roth

and Friedman

" Forgiveness does not entail forgetting or denying your

experiences. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, minimizing, or

denying the hurt you feel. It means acknowledging the wrongdoing,

accepting the associated feelings, and letting go of holding the

transgressions against the person responsible. It includes giving up

the expectations you held and the beliefs that things should have

been different. But no, you don't forget when you forgive. You simply

reduce the hold the hurt has over you.

Forgiveness is not excusing or condoning. By forgiving someone,

you're not sending a message that the person's behavior was

acceptable or that you approve of it. For less significant

infractions, you may be able to excuse or condone some things.

Forgiveness is the big gun, called into play when you have been

deeply harmed in some way. It may seem ironic, but it's those who

have hurt you the most who may be the best candidates for your

forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a quick fix for an ailing relationship or a tool

to use to avoid your own painful feelings about how you were treated.

You may recall a time when a friend or relative said, " Im not bitter

anymore, I've forgiven so-and-so, " when clearly they were still

bubbling with anger and pain. Forgiveness is not a mantra to recite

over and over in the hopes that one of these times you'll actually

believe it. It's not the substitute for the difficult work of

accepting and feeling painful emotions. Instead, think of it as a

REWARD that you are able to bestow on yourself afterward.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean telling the people you've

forgiven. You can tell them, should you choose, but in some cases the

person you're forgiving may be long dead or not a part of your life

anymore. That's fine. Forgiveness is something you do for YOU. No

one else ever needs to know. You're under no obligation to inform.

Forgiveness does not entail expressions of remorse, regret, or

contrition on the part of the person who hurt you. Some people won't

forgive until the person in question has shown some indication of

remorse or change, but forgiveness need not rely on anyone else's

actions or intentions but your own. It's a unilateral decision-

yours.

Forgiveness does not mean being the bigger person, being a martyr,

doing the right thing. Again, you forgive for you, not because

someone says you should.

Forgiveness is not a one time, one shot, all-or-nothing deal.

Forgiveness isn't a single event, it's a process.. You can forgive

someone for certain deeds and not others. You can decide to forgive

slowly, over the course of weeks, months, or years. You can change

your mind about forgiveness, should the feelings change or new

information come to light. You can flat out decide now and forever

that you don't want to forgive. It's up to you. "

Blessings,

> Recently, my therapist, my husband, and I have been trying to

> determine if my mother is BPD. She lives out of the country, which

> makes the unofficial diagnosis a bit more difficult, but it is a

> blessing to me, for her not to be very near! I've read about folks

> whose BPD parents live close by, and that just sounds like constant

> stress.

> In this process (which has consisted of emails between the three of

> us and my mother over the past couple months), I have also been

> struggling with questions on forgiveness (what is it really, how do

> you get there, how do you forgive someone who may not be fully able

> to function normally anyway, how does my faith play into this,

etc.)--

> as well as determining boundaries, with us and our future children.

> So I just wanted to introduce myself, look around, and hopefully

> engage in some discussions on the above.

> Since many of you seem much more versed in BPD, and I have really

> only begun my study, I would love some input on my own situation,

for

> anyone who is willing to hear a little bit more.

> Cheers,

> M

May 31, 2004