Guest guest Posted May 17, 2004 Report Share Posted May 17, 2004 Hi Cola Yes it is impossible for someone who doesn't have chronic pain to understand. I have nerve damage also. Nasty isn't it? Welcome to the group. I believe you will find it helpful here. Kaylene Montana USA It is so difficult explaining to >someone who is not in pain what it is like 24 hours a day. They >can't understand the barrier pain becomes in life. >anyway, thanks for listening. > > > _________________________________________________________________ Check out the coupons and bargains on MSN Offers! http://youroffers.msn.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 17, 2004 Report Share Posted May 17, 2004 Hi Cola Yes it is impossible for someone who doesn't have chronic pain to understand. I have nerve damage also. Nasty isn't it? Welcome to the group. I believe you will find it helpful here. Kaylene Montana USA It is so difficult explaining to >someone who is not in pain what it is like 24 hours a day. They >can't understand the barrier pain becomes in life. >anyway, thanks for listening. > > > _________________________________________________________________ Check out the coupons and bargains on MSN Offers! http://youroffers.msn.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 17, 2004 Report Share Posted May 17, 2004 Hi Cola Yes it is impossible for someone who doesn't have chronic pain to understand. I have nerve damage also. Nasty isn't it? Welcome to the group. I believe you will find it helpful here. Kaylene Montana USA It is so difficult explaining to >someone who is not in pain what it is like 24 hours a day. They >can't understand the barrier pain becomes in life. >anyway, thanks for listening. > > > _________________________________________________________________ Check out the coupons and bargains on MSN Offers! http://youroffers.msn.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 17, 2004 Report Share Posted May 17, 2004 Your so welcome and welcome. We all have the same trouble trying to explain our pain. You are so right, only one who feels it everyday can understand the horrible nightmare of it all. And you are so luck to live in Canada. The USA sucks for relief. I probably would have to go to a place in town to get the stuff illegal, off the street and that is so dangerous. Try and keep the faith. Donna cola989 wrote: <snipped> Hello all, I wanted to introduce myself to this group that I have recently found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 17, 2004 Report Share Posted May 17, 2004 Your so welcome and welcome. We all have the same trouble trying to explain our pain. You are so right, only one who feels it everyday can understand the horrible nightmare of it all. And you are so luck to live in Canada. The USA sucks for relief. I probably would have to go to a place in town to get the stuff illegal, off the street and that is so dangerous. Try and keep the faith. Donna cola989 wrote: <snipped> Hello all, I wanted to introduce myself to this group that I have recently found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 17, 2004 Report Share Posted May 17, 2004 Your so welcome and welcome. We all have the same trouble trying to explain our pain. You are so right, only one who feels it everyday can understand the horrible nightmare of it all. And you are so luck to live in Canada. The USA sucks for relief. I probably would have to go to a place in town to get the stuff illegal, off the street and that is so dangerous. Try and keep the faith. Donna cola989 wrote: <snipped> Hello all, I wanted to introduce myself to this group that I have recently found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 Hi cola989, I am recently new to the group also. And I understand your pain and I take MSIR 60mgs every 4 hours, and MS Contin 60mg every 8 hrs, Neurontin 3200mg a day, Nortriptylene HCL 200mgs a day, Zoloft 200mg, Clonazepam 1.0mg,Baclofen 20mg every 8 hrs. I use herbal help when the pain gets to the point that my medications don't bring me enough relief to bring my pain to a tolerable level it helps me go to sleep and I get at least 3 hrs of restful sleep which is few and far between. Welcome and I hope we can chat sometime you can e-mail me at Stormyrain39@..., or rdhdgrni41@.... Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 18, 2004 Report Share Posted May 18, 2004 Hi cola989, I am recently new to the group also. And I understand your pain and I take MSIR 60mgs every 4 hours, and MS Contin 60mg every 8 hrs, Neurontin 3200mg a day, Nortriptylene HCL 200mgs a day, Zoloft 200mg, Clonazepam 1.0mg,Baclofen 20mg every 8 hrs. I use herbal help when the pain gets to the point that my medications don't bring me enough relief to bring my pain to a tolerable level it helps me go to sleep and I get at least 3 hrs of restful sleep which is few and far between. Welcome and I hope we can chat sometime you can e-mail me at Stormyrain39@..., or rdhdgrni41@.... Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Hi , Welcome to the board. I can also say 'Me too' to many of the things you have written about. Chronic depression, telling nada too much, not setting boundaries because of low self esteem, learning about BPD late in life, AND 'nada in the head'. I don't feel uncomfortable with the word nada, because to me it means, 'the person who was not a mother to me'. Yes, she did have some good qualities, but they came out rarely, and were greatly overshadowed by the daily anxiety I had to deal with due to my fear of her words and actions. However, you get to call your mother whatever you want, and we will support you in that. (I am really lovin' the fact that I now have permission to do what I want, rather than what 'nada in the head' thinks I should do!) For me, forgiving my nada has been highly overrated. And that is because I still haven't fully understood the damage she has caused, though I think I am pretty close to that now. Also, it was, and still is, good for me to have the anger. I had supressed that for so long, and it has to be dealt with before forgiveness. My anger is a valid feeling. I don't behave inappropriately because of it, which is what is important. (Well, most of the time.....but I am forgiving myself if I shout, or slam something on the table, which is about the extent of my display of anger.) I now know to stop when I am feeling angry and figure out what is happening. I have had success in getting rid of the 'nada in the head' over the last year. I had to just yell back (also in my head), SHUT UP, GET OUT, NOT INTERESTED, GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE, etc. For my housekeeping (me and adult son currently living at home)I have been using the flylady.com method. It has given me the structure that I need to manage my personal life. And I feel good about her reminders that 'you are not behind, just jump in where you are'. I do what I can, pat myself on the back for the effort, and let it go. Over the past few months, I have seem a great improvement in my emotional well being. I believe it is a combination of many things, but all things that I have done to help myself. That is the key here, and as you have been reading the posts, you know that this is hard work, but worth it. Another thing we have in common is the lifelong commitment to getting better. Take care, Sylvia > > > Hi, my name's . I've been lurking around here for a while, > trying to get around to posting and today I'm finally going to do > it. Got me a new Yahoo ID (My old one has my last name in it) so > here goes. I'm surrounded by BPD - my mother, grandmother, > greadgrandmother, maybe father (or maybe a different problem - > definitely something wrong there), a daughter, maybe an uncle - as > well as a lot of other mental illness in my family of origin and the > families I created for myself. My first husband was probably > borderline as well as alcoholic, the second maybe was borderline > and/or narcissistic as well as a coke addict and dealer. Of course > I am perfectly mentally healthy - NOT! I have struggled with > chronic depression all my life - as well as OCD. I identify with so > much I have read here - the ICK feeling at being touched by nada, > the out of body experience when finally standing up to her, anxiety > when she calls or writes, etc. I can't list all the times I've > wanted to post ME TOO! > > I was the split good child until adolescence, when I discovered > boys - then I was split bad. Now I don't know if I'm still split > bad or if I just dropped off the radar screen. Either one is fine > with me. We live 700 miles apart and she rarely contacts me - maybe > every couple months. and now and then I contact her. Mostly we > exchange small talk and family updates. email seems safest. In > person or on the phone I start blabbing everything. (A counselor > once told me it's like she pushes a button and all your data comes > spilling out.) So I try to avoid that or have a limit - like call > 15 minutes before I have to leave for some appointment or church, so > there's a predetermined end to the conversation. > > I spend a lot of years hating her and blaming her for everything > wrong in my life. A few years ago I figured out that wasn't hurting > her at all but it sure was using up my energy and keeping me stuck > so i started working at forgiving her. The first hurdle, which I > still struggle with, is figuring out and naming what I was forgiving > her for. I could recall specific incidents when she behaved > abusively but I knew they couldn't account for the amount of rage I > felt. I believe it wasn't specific acts but an atmosphere of > hostility (on her part) and fear(on mine) that I lived in from birth > to age 19 (when I married and moved out). I was a compliant kid - > never dared disagree or let her know how I felt - and I hated her > for making me like that and hated myself for being such a coward. I > have come to realize that it's myself I have to " forgive " > for " letting " her dominate me - like I had a choice when I was > small. I became compliant with others as well - I hadn't been > allowed to say no at home, and so I couldn't say it, period - a > disaster when I began dating! but I also didn't have any boundaries > at work, with friends, with my children - where she was > overcontrolling, I was permissive partly to avoid being like her and > partly because I had such low self esteem. I didn't believe I had > the right to tell my kids no, or set boundaries for them, or even > that I might know more than a five year old. I have grown up a lot - > through therapy, support groups like Al Anon and OA, and just life > experience. Every time I say no or assert myself, and the sky > doesn't fall, I gain a little more confidence. It is just too bad > for my children that I didn't heal a little more before they came > along. > > I suppose I had some BP traits, too, or at least a lot of fleas - > but I unlearned a lot of them just seeing how other people lived and > thought. I had learned a lot of BP ways of responding to other > people and events, and just didn't know there were other ways. > > The other reason I put off introducing myself is that I tend to > write books when I do write! I spent the first half of my life > being quiet and listening to other people talk, and now that I have > found my voice I tend to overdo it - like it's my turn now!!! and > I'm making up for lost time - and I do that in writing too (but at > least in writing people can get away from me by choosing not to read > it all). > > About me and my family - I'm 57 - glad to see others my age on this > list - because I feel bad about so much of my life being gone before > I found out about BPD and wishing I had learned all this at an > earlier age. I have four children - three daughters and a > granddaughter. The oldest daughter, and the granddaughter, live > near my Mom - a whole nother topic! Mom keeps granddaughter while > daughter works, and granddaughter does not like that too much. But > not my problem. Oldest dtr is feisty, and is known as the only > person in our family who can tell Mom to shut up and live to tell > about it! The other three still live with me - 22 yr old daughter > (who probably has BPD also) son 20, in college, and 17 yr old > daughter in high school. I also am a member of the list for parents > of BPD's. Sometimes my daughter acts so much like my mother that > it's like nada came back to live with me! On the positive side, she > gives me opportunities to work through all those nada issues I still > have! (I'm just so #@^$#@ grateful for that!) > > I have mixed feelings about using the term nada. On the one hand it > makes it clear that Mom is the BP parent. On the other hand, it > feels like splitting her all bad. Which is what I did for a long > time. Splitting is what THEY do, I don't want to do that. And she > had some positive qualities, and she did grow a little, get a little > therapy, and try to deal with her issues. She isn't as bad as she > was when I was little - but she still definitely has BPD. > > The nada I really have to deal with is the one living in my head. > One of you talked about saying " I can't do this any more " to your > nada. Yesterday morning, exhausted from trying to clean my house > without help, in between 10 hour workdays (8 hrs plus an hour each > way commute), having had an average 5 hours sleep a night for who > knows how long, stressed, and contemplating taking the day off of > work, those words came out of my mouth. and it was the nada in my > head I was talking to, who was telling me I needed to go to work and > scolding me about my dirty house and yada yada yada. HER I need to > tell to shup up! I called in sick and slept all day! And I am going > to restructure my life to quit trying to do it all to the > satisfaction of the head-nada and lower my stress level. > > Well, I gotta get out of here before the housekeeping crew leaves me > in the dark. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Hi , Welcome to the board. I can also say 'Me too' to many of the things you have written about. Chronic depression, telling nada too much, not setting boundaries because of low self esteem, learning about BPD late in life, AND 'nada in the head'. I don't feel uncomfortable with the word nada, because to me it means, 'the person who was not a mother to me'. Yes, she did have some good qualities, but they came out rarely, and were greatly overshadowed by the daily anxiety I had to deal with due to my fear of her words and actions. However, you get to call your mother whatever you want, and we will support you in that. (I am really lovin' the fact that I now have permission to do what I want, rather than what 'nada in the head' thinks I should do!) For me, forgiving my nada has been highly overrated. And that is because I still haven't fully understood the damage she has caused, though I think I am pretty close to that now. Also, it was, and still is, good for me to have the anger. I had supressed that for so long, and it has to be dealt with before forgiveness. My anger is a valid feeling. I don't behave inappropriately because of it, which is what is important. (Well, most of the time.....but I am forgiving myself if I shout, or slam something on the table, which is about the extent of my display of anger.) I now know to stop when I am feeling angry and figure out what is happening. I have had success in getting rid of the 'nada in the head' over the last year. I had to just yell back (also in my head), SHUT UP, GET OUT, NOT INTERESTED, GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE, etc. For my housekeeping (me and adult son currently living at home)I have been using the flylady.com method. It has given me the structure that I need to manage my personal life. And I feel good about her reminders that 'you are not behind, just jump in where you are'. I do what I can, pat myself on the back for the effort, and let it go. Over the past few months, I have seem a great improvement in my emotional well being. I believe it is a combination of many things, but all things that I have done to help myself. That is the key here, and as you have been reading the posts, you know that this is hard work, but worth it. Another thing we have in common is the lifelong commitment to getting better. Take care, Sylvia > > > Hi, my name's . I've been lurking around here for a while, > trying to get around to posting and today I'm finally going to do > it. Got me a new Yahoo ID (My old one has my last name in it) so > here goes. I'm surrounded by BPD - my mother, grandmother, > greadgrandmother, maybe father (or maybe a different problem - > definitely something wrong there), a daughter, maybe an uncle - as > well as a lot of other mental illness in my family of origin and the > families I created for myself. My first husband was probably > borderline as well as alcoholic, the second maybe was borderline > and/or narcissistic as well as a coke addict and dealer. Of course > I am perfectly mentally healthy - NOT! I have struggled with > chronic depression all my life - as well as OCD. I identify with so > much I have read here - the ICK feeling at being touched by nada, > the out of body experience when finally standing up to her, anxiety > when she calls or writes, etc. I can't list all the times I've > wanted to post ME TOO! > > I was the split good child until adolescence, when I discovered > boys - then I was split bad. Now I don't know if I'm still split > bad or if I just dropped off the radar screen. Either one is fine > with me. We live 700 miles apart and she rarely contacts me - maybe > every couple months. and now and then I contact her. Mostly we > exchange small talk and family updates. email seems safest. In > person or on the phone I start blabbing everything. (A counselor > once told me it's like she pushes a button and all your data comes > spilling out.) So I try to avoid that or have a limit - like call > 15 minutes before I have to leave for some appointment or church, so > there's a predetermined end to the conversation. > > I spend a lot of years hating her and blaming her for everything > wrong in my life. A few years ago I figured out that wasn't hurting > her at all but it sure was using up my energy and keeping me stuck > so i started working at forgiving her. The first hurdle, which I > still struggle with, is figuring out and naming what I was forgiving > her for. I could recall specific incidents when she behaved > abusively but I knew they couldn't account for the amount of rage I > felt. I believe it wasn't specific acts but an atmosphere of > hostility (on her part) and fear(on mine) that I lived in from birth > to age 19 (when I married and moved out). I was a compliant kid - > never dared disagree or let her know how I felt - and I hated her > for making me like that and hated myself for being such a coward. I > have come to realize that it's myself I have to " forgive " > for " letting " her dominate me - like I had a choice when I was > small. I became compliant with others as well - I hadn't been > allowed to say no at home, and so I couldn't say it, period - a > disaster when I began dating! but I also didn't have any boundaries > at work, with friends, with my children - where she was > overcontrolling, I was permissive partly to avoid being like her and > partly because I had such low self esteem. I didn't believe I had > the right to tell my kids no, or set boundaries for them, or even > that I might know more than a five year old. I have grown up a lot - > through therapy, support groups like Al Anon and OA, and just life > experience. Every time I say no or assert myself, and the sky > doesn't fall, I gain a little more confidence. It is just too bad > for my children that I didn't heal a little more before they came > along. > > I suppose I had some BP traits, too, or at least a lot of fleas - > but I unlearned a lot of them just seeing how other people lived and > thought. I had learned a lot of BP ways of responding to other > people and events, and just didn't know there were other ways. > > The other reason I put off introducing myself is that I tend to > write books when I do write! I spent the first half of my life > being quiet and listening to other people talk, and now that I have > found my voice I tend to overdo it - like it's my turn now!!! and > I'm making up for lost time - and I do that in writing too (but at > least in writing people can get away from me by choosing not to read > it all). > > About me and my family - I'm 57 - glad to see others my age on this > list - because I feel bad about so much of my life being gone before > I found out about BPD and wishing I had learned all this at an > earlier age. I have four children - three daughters and a > granddaughter. The oldest daughter, and the granddaughter, live > near my Mom - a whole nother topic! Mom keeps granddaughter while > daughter works, and granddaughter does not like that too much. But > not my problem. Oldest dtr is feisty, and is known as the only > person in our family who can tell Mom to shut up and live to tell > about it! The other three still live with me - 22 yr old daughter > (who probably has BPD also) son 20, in college, and 17 yr old > daughter in high school. I also am a member of the list for parents > of BPD's. Sometimes my daughter acts so much like my mother that > it's like nada came back to live with me! On the positive side, she > gives me opportunities to work through all those nada issues I still > have! (I'm just so #@^$#@ grateful for that!) > > I have mixed feelings about using the term nada. On the one hand it > makes it clear that Mom is the BP parent. On the other hand, it > feels like splitting her all bad. Which is what I did for a long > time. Splitting is what THEY do, I don't want to do that. And she > had some positive qualities, and she did grow a little, get a little > therapy, and try to deal with her issues. She isn't as bad as she > was when I was little - but she still definitely has BPD. > > The nada I really have to deal with is the one living in my head. > One of you talked about saying " I can't do this any more " to your > nada. Yesterday morning, exhausted from trying to clean my house > without help, in between 10 hour workdays (8 hrs plus an hour each > way commute), having had an average 5 hours sleep a night for who > knows how long, stressed, and contemplating taking the day off of > work, those words came out of my mouth. and it was the nada in my > head I was talking to, who was telling me I needed to go to work and > scolding me about my dirty house and yada yada yada. HER I need to > tell to shup up! I called in sick and slept all day! And I am going > to restructure my life to quit trying to do it all to the > satisfaction of the head-nada and lower my stress level. > > Well, I gotta get out of here before the housekeeping crew leaves me > in the dark. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Hi , Welcome to the board. I can also say 'Me too' to many of the things you have written about. Chronic depression, telling nada too much, not setting boundaries because of low self esteem, learning about BPD late in life, AND 'nada in the head'. I don't feel uncomfortable with the word nada, because to me it means, 'the person who was not a mother to me'. Yes, she did have some good qualities, but they came out rarely, and were greatly overshadowed by the daily anxiety I had to deal with due to my fear of her words and actions. However, you get to call your mother whatever you want, and we will support you in that. (I am really lovin' the fact that I now have permission to do what I want, rather than what 'nada in the head' thinks I should do!) For me, forgiving my nada has been highly overrated. And that is because I still haven't fully understood the damage she has caused, though I think I am pretty close to that now. Also, it was, and still is, good for me to have the anger. I had supressed that for so long, and it has to be dealt with before forgiveness. My anger is a valid feeling. I don't behave inappropriately because of it, which is what is important. (Well, most of the time.....but I am forgiving myself if I shout, or slam something on the table, which is about the extent of my display of anger.) I now know to stop when I am feeling angry and figure out what is happening. I have had success in getting rid of the 'nada in the head' over the last year. I had to just yell back (also in my head), SHUT UP, GET OUT, NOT INTERESTED, GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE, etc. For my housekeeping (me and adult son currently living at home)I have been using the flylady.com method. It has given me the structure that I need to manage my personal life. And I feel good about her reminders that 'you are not behind, just jump in where you are'. I do what I can, pat myself on the back for the effort, and let it go. Over the past few months, I have seem a great improvement in my emotional well being. I believe it is a combination of many things, but all things that I have done to help myself. That is the key here, and as you have been reading the posts, you know that this is hard work, but worth it. Another thing we have in common is the lifelong commitment to getting better. Take care, Sylvia > > > Hi, my name's . I've been lurking around here for a while, > trying to get around to posting and today I'm finally going to do > it. Got me a new Yahoo ID (My old one has my last name in it) so > here goes. I'm surrounded by BPD - my mother, grandmother, > greadgrandmother, maybe father (or maybe a different problem - > definitely something wrong there), a daughter, maybe an uncle - as > well as a lot of other mental illness in my family of origin and the > families I created for myself. My first husband was probably > borderline as well as alcoholic, the second maybe was borderline > and/or narcissistic as well as a coke addict and dealer. Of course > I am perfectly mentally healthy - NOT! I have struggled with > chronic depression all my life - as well as OCD. I identify with so > much I have read here - the ICK feeling at being touched by nada, > the out of body experience when finally standing up to her, anxiety > when she calls or writes, etc. I can't list all the times I've > wanted to post ME TOO! > > I was the split good child until adolescence, when I discovered > boys - then I was split bad. Now I don't know if I'm still split > bad or if I just dropped off the radar screen. Either one is fine > with me. We live 700 miles apart and she rarely contacts me - maybe > every couple months. and now and then I contact her. Mostly we > exchange small talk and family updates. email seems safest. In > person or on the phone I start blabbing everything. (A counselor > once told me it's like she pushes a button and all your data comes > spilling out.) So I try to avoid that or have a limit - like call > 15 minutes before I have to leave for some appointment or church, so > there's a predetermined end to the conversation. > > I spend a lot of years hating her and blaming her for everything > wrong in my life. A few years ago I figured out that wasn't hurting > her at all but it sure was using up my energy and keeping me stuck > so i started working at forgiving her. The first hurdle, which I > still struggle with, is figuring out and naming what I was forgiving > her for. I could recall specific incidents when she behaved > abusively but I knew they couldn't account for the amount of rage I > felt. I believe it wasn't specific acts but an atmosphere of > hostility (on her part) and fear(on mine) that I lived in from birth > to age 19 (when I married and moved out). I was a compliant kid - > never dared disagree or let her know how I felt - and I hated her > for making me like that and hated myself for being such a coward. I > have come to realize that it's myself I have to " forgive " > for " letting " her dominate me - like I had a choice when I was > small. I became compliant with others as well - I hadn't been > allowed to say no at home, and so I couldn't say it, period - a > disaster when I began dating! but I also didn't have any boundaries > at work, with friends, with my children - where she was > overcontrolling, I was permissive partly to avoid being like her and > partly because I had such low self esteem. I didn't believe I had > the right to tell my kids no, or set boundaries for them, or even > that I might know more than a five year old. I have grown up a lot - > through therapy, support groups like Al Anon and OA, and just life > experience. Every time I say no or assert myself, and the sky > doesn't fall, I gain a little more confidence. It is just too bad > for my children that I didn't heal a little more before they came > along. > > I suppose I had some BP traits, too, or at least a lot of fleas - > but I unlearned a lot of them just seeing how other people lived and > thought. I had learned a lot of BP ways of responding to other > people and events, and just didn't know there were other ways. > > The other reason I put off introducing myself is that I tend to > write books when I do write! I spent the first half of my life > being quiet and listening to other people talk, and now that I have > found my voice I tend to overdo it - like it's my turn now!!! and > I'm making up for lost time - and I do that in writing too (but at > least in writing people can get away from me by choosing not to read > it all). > > About me and my family - I'm 57 - glad to see others my age on this > list - because I feel bad about so much of my life being gone before > I found out about BPD and wishing I had learned all this at an > earlier age. I have four children - three daughters and a > granddaughter. The oldest daughter, and the granddaughter, live > near my Mom - a whole nother topic! Mom keeps granddaughter while > daughter works, and granddaughter does not like that too much. But > not my problem. Oldest dtr is feisty, and is known as the only > person in our family who can tell Mom to shut up and live to tell > about it! The other three still live with me - 22 yr old daughter > (who probably has BPD also) son 20, in college, and 17 yr old > daughter in high school. I also am a member of the list for parents > of BPD's. Sometimes my daughter acts so much like my mother that > it's like nada came back to live with me! On the positive side, she > gives me opportunities to work through all those nada issues I still > have! (I'm just so #@^$#@ grateful for that!) > > I have mixed feelings about using the term nada. On the one hand it > makes it clear that Mom is the BP parent. On the other hand, it > feels like splitting her all bad. Which is what I did for a long > time. Splitting is what THEY do, I don't want to do that. And she > had some positive qualities, and she did grow a little, get a little > therapy, and try to deal with her issues. She isn't as bad as she > was when I was little - but she still definitely has BPD. > > The nada I really have to deal with is the one living in my head. > One of you talked about saying " I can't do this any more " to your > nada. Yesterday morning, exhausted from trying to clean my house > without help, in between 10 hour workdays (8 hrs plus an hour each > way commute), having had an average 5 hours sleep a night for who > knows how long, stressed, and contemplating taking the day off of > work, those words came out of my mouth. and it was the nada in my > head I was talking to, who was telling me I needed to go to work and > scolding me about my dirty house and yada yada yada. HER I need to > tell to shup up! I called in sick and slept all day! And I am going > to restructure my life to quit trying to do it all to the > satisfaction of the head-nada and lower my stress level. > > Well, I gotta get out of here before the housekeeping crew leaves me > in the dark. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Hi , Glad you introduced yourself today. I lurked for a while too before joining in and have found posting here to be extremely helpful. homefriedcheesemama wrote: > > I can't list all the times I've > wanted to post ME TOO! **Me too. It's amazing how similar our experiences are. > I was the split good child until adolescence, when I discovered > boys - then I was split bad. **Me too. I was good until I gained a little self-confidence outside of the home with successes - and finally felt strong enough to rebel a bit. > Now I don't know if I'm still split > bad or if I just dropped off the radar screen. Either one is fine > with me. We live 700 miles apart and she rarely contacts me - maybe > every couple months. and now and then I contact her. Mostly we > exchange small talk and family updates. email seems safest. In > person or on the phone I start blabbing everything. (A counselor > once told me it's like she pushes a button and all your data comes > spilling out.) So I try to avoid that or have a limit - like call > 15 minutes before I have to leave for some appointment or church, so > there's a predetermined end to the conversation. **Sounds like a great idea to have that ending time and a good reason to get off the phone. Much easier. > I spend a lot of years hating her and blaming her for everything > wrong in my life. A few years ago I figured out that wasn't hurting > her at all but it sure was using up my energy and keeping me stuck > so i started working at forgiving her. The first hurdle, which I > still struggle with, is figuring out and naming what I was forgiving > her for. I could recall specific incidents when she behaved > abusively but I knew they couldn't account for the amount of rage I > felt. I believe it wasn't specific acts but an atmosphere of > hostility (on her part) and fear(on mine) that I lived in from birth > to age 19 (when I married and moved out). I was a compliant kid - > never dared disagree or let her know how I felt - and I hated her > for making me like that and hated myself for being such a coward. I > have come to realize that it's myself I have to " forgive " > for " letting " her dominate me - like I had a choice when I was > small. **I've had a lot of difficulty with this same thing. I'm tired of being angry at her - and while I've learned that anger is not a *bad* emotion - I would like to let go of the old anger. I recently found a book called " Forgiveness is a Choice. " I selected this one because the author seems to understand that reconciliation is not always part of the process. I've just started reading it - and have found it to be helpful. But I have skimmed the book and saw things I was uncomfortable with - maybe going through the process I will be more comfortable with those ideas - but I also noticed that the author suggests a journal - and when you come to decision to make to write both sides of the argument and if you are not ready to proceed you should stop and come back to it - or just stop - you have reached the end. So I like that. It doesn't sound like he is trying to cram forgiveness down your throat if you are not ready or simply can't do it. As for forgiving yourself. As a child - you had no choices about how nada treated you. You did nothing to make her act the way that she did. I definately have things that I forgive myself for - and problems to work through - but personally - I don't need to forgive myself for my childhood - but I do need to accept the fact that nada was the one who behaved badly - and quite blaming myself - I've started doing that. I became compliant with others as well - I hadn't been > allowed to say no at home, and so I couldn't say it, period - a > disaster when I began dating! but I also didn't have any boundaries > at work, with friends, with my children - where she was > overcontrolling, I was permissive partly to avoid being like her and > partly because I had such low self esteem. I didn't believe I had > the right to tell my kids no, or set boundaries for them, or even > that I might know more than a five year old. I have grown up a lot - > through therapy, support groups like Al Anon and OA, and just life > experience. Every time I say no or assert myself, and the sky > doesn't fall, I gain a little more confidence. It is just too bad > for my children that I didn't heal a little more before they came > along. **It's great that you have found so many things to help! > The other reason I put off introducing myself is that I tend to > write books when I do write! **as you can tell - I have the same problem ;o) > About me and my family - I'm 57 - glad to see others my age on this > list - because I feel bad about so much of my life being gone before >I also am a member of the list for parents > of BPD's. Sometimes my daughter acts so much like my mother that > it's like nada came back to live with me! On the positive side, she > gives me opportunities to work through all those nada issues I still > have! (I'm just so #@^$#@ grateful for that!) **this must be tough. I hope you are finding the support you need on the board for parents. > > I have mixed feelings about using the term nada. On the one hand it > makes it clear that Mom is the BP parent. On the other hand, it > feels like splitting her all bad. Which is what I did for a long > time. Splitting is what THEY do, I don't want to do that. And she > had some positive qualities, and she did grow a little, get a little > therapy, and try to deal with her issues. She isn't as bad as she > was when I was little - but she still definitely has BPD. **Call her whatever you want ;o) I understand the dilemma. When I first started I used nada - but was not sure I was comfortable with it - but it seemed very freeing to me. It seemed to help put things in perspective. But you have to do what's comfortable for you - we're with you either way! > > The nada I really have to deal with is the one living in my head. **That is a tough one to get rid of. When I realize I'm playing the nada tapes - I try to think what I would tell my daughter or a friend who came to me with whatever situation I'm in - and then I try to play the tapes I would say to that person. It's nice to get positive feedback from yourself. I find I'm much harder on myself than on others - so I have to first look at the situation as if someone else was in it. > > Well, I gotta get out of here before the housekeeping crew leaves me > in the dark. **Welcome to the board. Nice to have you here. Take care, Kath> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Hi , Glad you introduced yourself today. I lurked for a while too before joining in and have found posting here to be extremely helpful. homefriedcheesemama wrote: > > I can't list all the times I've > wanted to post ME TOO! **Me too. It's amazing how similar our experiences are. > I was the split good child until adolescence, when I discovered > boys - then I was split bad. **Me too. I was good until I gained a little self-confidence outside of the home with successes - and finally felt strong enough to rebel a bit. > Now I don't know if I'm still split > bad or if I just dropped off the radar screen. Either one is fine > with me. We live 700 miles apart and she rarely contacts me - maybe > every couple months. and now and then I contact her. Mostly we > exchange small talk and family updates. email seems safest. In > person or on the phone I start blabbing everything. (A counselor > once told me it's like she pushes a button and all your data comes > spilling out.) So I try to avoid that or have a limit - like call > 15 minutes before I have to leave for some appointment or church, so > there's a predetermined end to the conversation. **Sounds like a great idea to have that ending time and a good reason to get off the phone. Much easier. > I spend a lot of years hating her and blaming her for everything > wrong in my life. A few years ago I figured out that wasn't hurting > her at all but it sure was using up my energy and keeping me stuck > so i started working at forgiving her. The first hurdle, which I > still struggle with, is figuring out and naming what I was forgiving > her for. I could recall specific incidents when she behaved > abusively but I knew they couldn't account for the amount of rage I > felt. I believe it wasn't specific acts but an atmosphere of > hostility (on her part) and fear(on mine) that I lived in from birth > to age 19 (when I married and moved out). I was a compliant kid - > never dared disagree or let her know how I felt - and I hated her > for making me like that and hated myself for being such a coward. I > have come to realize that it's myself I have to " forgive " > for " letting " her dominate me - like I had a choice when I was > small. **I've had a lot of difficulty with this same thing. I'm tired of being angry at her - and while I've learned that anger is not a *bad* emotion - I would like to let go of the old anger. I recently found a book called " Forgiveness is a Choice. " I selected this one because the author seems to understand that reconciliation is not always part of the process. I've just started reading it - and have found it to be helpful. But I have skimmed the book and saw things I was uncomfortable with - maybe going through the process I will be more comfortable with those ideas - but I also noticed that the author suggests a journal - and when you come to decision to make to write both sides of the argument and if you are not ready to proceed you should stop and come back to it - or just stop - you have reached the end. So I like that. It doesn't sound like he is trying to cram forgiveness down your throat if you are not ready or simply can't do it. As for forgiving yourself. As a child - you had no choices about how nada treated you. You did nothing to make her act the way that she did. I definately have things that I forgive myself for - and problems to work through - but personally - I don't need to forgive myself for my childhood - but I do need to accept the fact that nada was the one who behaved badly - and quite blaming myself - I've started doing that. I became compliant with others as well - I hadn't been > allowed to say no at home, and so I couldn't say it, period - a > disaster when I began dating! but I also didn't have any boundaries > at work, with friends, with my children - where she was > overcontrolling, I was permissive partly to avoid being like her and > partly because I had such low self esteem. I didn't believe I had > the right to tell my kids no, or set boundaries for them, or even > that I might know more than a five year old. I have grown up a lot - > through therapy, support groups like Al Anon and OA, and just life > experience. Every time I say no or assert myself, and the sky > doesn't fall, I gain a little more confidence. It is just too bad > for my children that I didn't heal a little more before they came > along. **It's great that you have found so many things to help! > The other reason I put off introducing myself is that I tend to > write books when I do write! **as you can tell - I have the same problem ;o) > About me and my family - I'm 57 - glad to see others my age on this > list - because I feel bad about so much of my life being gone before >I also am a member of the list for parents > of BPD's. Sometimes my daughter acts so much like my mother that > it's like nada came back to live with me! On the positive side, she > gives me opportunities to work through all those nada issues I still > have! (I'm just so #@^$#@ grateful for that!) **this must be tough. I hope you are finding the support you need on the board for parents. > > I have mixed feelings about using the term nada. On the one hand it > makes it clear that Mom is the BP parent. On the other hand, it > feels like splitting her all bad. Which is what I did for a long > time. Splitting is what THEY do, I don't want to do that. And she > had some positive qualities, and she did grow a little, get a little > therapy, and try to deal with her issues. She isn't as bad as she > was when I was little - but she still definitely has BPD. **Call her whatever you want ;o) I understand the dilemma. When I first started I used nada - but was not sure I was comfortable with it - but it seemed very freeing to me. It seemed to help put things in perspective. But you have to do what's comfortable for you - we're with you either way! > > The nada I really have to deal with is the one living in my head. **That is a tough one to get rid of. When I realize I'm playing the nada tapes - I try to think what I would tell my daughter or a friend who came to me with whatever situation I'm in - and then I try to play the tapes I would say to that person. It's nice to get positive feedback from yourself. I find I'm much harder on myself than on others - so I have to first look at the situation as if someone else was in it. > > Well, I gotta get out of here before the housekeeping crew leaves me > in the dark. **Welcome to the board. Nice to have you here. Take care, Kath> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 replied: >What I realized after a while in this group and absorbing some of >the suggested reading is that I had become conditioned to forget >about myself and my needs and focus on my nada's needs. She set it >up that way and intended to keep it that way. I always felt >responsible for her pain; her needs and actually believed somehow >that her problems were mine to solve; her pain was mine to fix, etc. I would just like to say stated this very well. It describes my own relationship with my nada. I lived believing I was totally responsible for my nada's unhappiness. I thought I had to fix it for her. Learning I couldn't fix it and her demands were totally off base from normal and then really believing it helped me so much. Your nada's lack of contact with you is accomplishing just what she intends for it to......to make you feel sorry about her being mad at you and to get you to feel like it's your job to fix it. Understanding the Borderline Mother was a great book to gain insight into what has happened to make you feel that way. You will find your nada in the pages there and may see the role she has conditioned you to play for her. Remember, your first responsibility is to your self and your babies and husband. They take priority way ahead of nada. Their future happiness and quality of life today depends on you being all together and concentrating on them, not on nada. I know how draining the self doubt and anxiety can be. You need all your energy so you can be a 'present' mom....not one so distracted by emotions and guilt that you are really not there for them. Stop beating yourself up. It is her choice to have no contact with you. It's probably a blessing in disguise. Dee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 replied: >What I realized after a while in this group and absorbing some of >the suggested reading is that I had become conditioned to forget >about myself and my needs and focus on my nada's needs. She set it >up that way and intended to keep it that way. I always felt >responsible for her pain; her needs and actually believed somehow >that her problems were mine to solve; her pain was mine to fix, etc. I would just like to say stated this very well. It describes my own relationship with my nada. I lived believing I was totally responsible for my nada's unhappiness. I thought I had to fix it for her. Learning I couldn't fix it and her demands were totally off base from normal and then really believing it helped me so much. Your nada's lack of contact with you is accomplishing just what she intends for it to......to make you feel sorry about her being mad at you and to get you to feel like it's your job to fix it. Understanding the Borderline Mother was a great book to gain insight into what has happened to make you feel that way. You will find your nada in the pages there and may see the role she has conditioned you to play for her. Remember, your first responsibility is to your self and your babies and husband. They take priority way ahead of nada. Their future happiness and quality of life today depends on you being all together and concentrating on them, not on nada. I know how draining the self doubt and anxiety can be. You need all your energy so you can be a 'present' mom....not one so distracted by emotions and guilt that you are really not there for them. Stop beating yourself up. It is her choice to have no contact with you. It's probably a blessing in disguise. Dee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 I am amazed, 3 weeks ago, I just told my Nada that my primary responsabilities were to my 3 kids, then my husband and of course myself. She does not talk to me anymore since I have stood up for myself. I did get ugly emails from her saying that I was a bad daugther and that I was not taking care of her and giving her what she needed me to give her. My understanding was: " yep, I just told you in a nice way that I am not your possession and your not happy about it, well too bad " . We have not had any contact for 3 weeks now, I feel very calm, free, good. She was draining all my energy. With this feeling I am not sure I ever want to have contact with her again. I think the worst that will happen (or the better) when you tell them that you come first in your life is that you'll get a tantrum, some verbal abuse, some guilt thrown in your face and maybe she won't talk to you again. But you will feel you have finally done something major for yourself...stand up tall and being proud of being you and owning yourself. Take care Yolande gmat60 wrote: replied: >What I realized after a while in this group and absorbing some of >the suggested reading is that I had become conditioned to forget >about myself and my needs and focus on my nada's needs. She set it >up that way and intended to keep it that way. I always felt >responsible for her pain; her needs and actually believed somehow >that her problems were mine to solve; her pain was mine to fix, etc. I would just like to say stated this very well. It describes my own relationship with my nada. I lived believing I was totally responsible for my nada's unhappiness. I thought I had to fix it for her. Learning I couldn't fix it and her demands were totally off base from normal and then really believing it helped me so much. Your nada's lack of contact with you is accomplishing just what she intends for it to......to make you feel sorry about her being mad at you and to get you to feel like it's your job to fix it. Understanding the Borderline Mother was a great book to gain insight into what has happened to make you feel that way. You will find your nada in the pages there and may see the role she has conditioned you to play for her. Remember, your first responsibility is to your self and your babies and husband. They take priority way ahead of nada. Their future happiness and quality of life today depends on you being all together and concentrating on them, not on nada. I know how draining the self doubt and anxiety can be. You need all your energy so you can be a 'present' mom....not one so distracted by emotions and guilt that you are really not there for them. Stop beating yourself up. It is her choice to have no contact with you. It's probably a blessing in disguise. Dee Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com --------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 I am amazed, 3 weeks ago, I just told my Nada that my primary responsabilities were to my 3 kids, then my husband and of course myself. She does not talk to me anymore since I have stood up for myself. I did get ugly emails from her saying that I was a bad daugther and that I was not taking care of her and giving her what she needed me to give her. My understanding was: " yep, I just told you in a nice way that I am not your possession and your not happy about it, well too bad " . We have not had any contact for 3 weeks now, I feel very calm, free, good. She was draining all my energy. With this feeling I am not sure I ever want to have contact with her again. I think the worst that will happen (or the better) when you tell them that you come first in your life is that you'll get a tantrum, some verbal abuse, some guilt thrown in your face and maybe she won't talk to you again. But you will feel you have finally done something major for yourself...stand up tall and being proud of being you and owning yourself. Take care Yolande gmat60 wrote: replied: >What I realized after a while in this group and absorbing some of >the suggested reading is that I had become conditioned to forget >about myself and my needs and focus on my nada's needs. She set it >up that way and intended to keep it that way. I always felt >responsible for her pain; her needs and actually believed somehow >that her problems were mine to solve; her pain was mine to fix, etc. I would just like to say stated this very well. It describes my own relationship with my nada. I lived believing I was totally responsible for my nada's unhappiness. I thought I had to fix it for her. Learning I couldn't fix it and her demands were totally off base from normal and then really believing it helped me so much. Your nada's lack of contact with you is accomplishing just what she intends for it to......to make you feel sorry about her being mad at you and to get you to feel like it's your job to fix it. Understanding the Borderline Mother was a great book to gain insight into what has happened to make you feel that way. You will find your nada in the pages there and may see the role she has conditioned you to play for her. Remember, your first responsibility is to your self and your babies and husband. They take priority way ahead of nada. Their future happiness and quality of life today depends on you being all together and concentrating on them, not on nada. I know how draining the self doubt and anxiety can be. You need all your energy so you can be a 'present' mom....not one so distracted by emotions and guilt that you are really not there for them. Stop beating yourself up. It is her choice to have no contact with you. It's probably a blessing in disguise. Dee Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com --------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2005 Report Share Posted May 26, 2005 I am amazed, 3 weeks ago, I just told my Nada that my primary responsabilities were to my 3 kids, then my husband and of course myself. She does not talk to me anymore since I have stood up for myself. I did get ugly emails from her saying that I was a bad daugther and that I was not taking care of her and giving her what she needed me to give her. My understanding was: " yep, I just told you in a nice way that I am not your possession and your not happy about it, well too bad " . We have not had any contact for 3 weeks now, I feel very calm, free, good. She was draining all my energy. With this feeling I am not sure I ever want to have contact with her again. I think the worst that will happen (or the better) when you tell them that you come first in your life is that you'll get a tantrum, some verbal abuse, some guilt thrown in your face and maybe she won't talk to you again. But you will feel you have finally done something major for yourself...stand up tall and being proud of being you and owning yourself. Take care Yolande gmat60 wrote: replied: >What I realized after a while in this group and absorbing some of >the suggested reading is that I had become conditioned to forget >about myself and my needs and focus on my nada's needs. She set it >up that way and intended to keep it that way. I always felt >responsible for her pain; her needs and actually believed somehow >that her problems were mine to solve; her pain was mine to fix, etc. I would just like to say stated this very well. It describes my own relationship with my nada. I lived believing I was totally responsible for my nada's unhappiness. I thought I had to fix it for her. Learning I couldn't fix it and her demands were totally off base from normal and then really believing it helped me so much. Your nada's lack of contact with you is accomplishing just what she intends for it to......to make you feel sorry about her being mad at you and to get you to feel like it's your job to fix it. Understanding the Borderline Mother was a great book to gain insight into what has happened to make you feel that way. You will find your nada in the pages there and may see the role she has conditioned you to play for her. Remember, your first responsibility is to your self and your babies and husband. They take priority way ahead of nada. Their future happiness and quality of life today depends on you being all together and concentrating on them, not on nada. I know how draining the self doubt and anxiety can be. You need all your energy so you can be a 'present' mom....not one so distracted by emotions and guilt that you are really not there for them. Stop beating yourself up. It is her choice to have no contact with you. It's probably a blessing in disguise. Dee Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: http://www.BPDCentral.com --------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2006 Report Share Posted January 22, 2006 Greeting Group, Thank You for this chance to join the EN group. My name is Rich and I am from the Boston Area. In April of 2005, I went to the doctor with a skin condition and painful legs that were unexplainable. He was a skin doctor and took a punch biopsy and a lot of blood work. On a follow up visit, he said I had PAN and took another biopsy of a lesion on my shoulder to see if it was related. Then it was felt that an infection in my nostril may have caused the PAN. So after the diagnosis, I was to go on dicloxacilin and a topical cream of clobetasol. Now as this past year progressed, my condition didn't get any better. I recently changed doctors as I had to fire my PCP and ended up with a Rheumy for a PCP. He looked at my legs and wasn't convinced that it was PAN. I had a lot of blood taken again and he felt I had EN now. My tests came back negative for Hep A,B & C and I am waiting for the rest. I was a little disheartened by the whole affair as I was told PAN was fatal within 5 years and now with a change in diagnosis, I am confused. So alas, after invite, I came here. I figure I have either or but I am happy to be with a great support system either way. Thanks and be well. ~Blessings, Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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