Who? Me? A waif? No, no, no...

[Guest guest]

Hey, all,

I haven't been on the board much in the past week or two. I've been

too busy wreaking havoc in my life, worrying those who love me,

feeling guilty, and, finally, apologizing profusely for my bad

behavior. I didn't go to work yesterday or the day before. I stayed

home with some sort of flu. It might have been my fibromyalgia. Not

sure. Today, when I came into the office, I was able to tell my boss

that I was throwing up last night, which was absolutely true.

I can't drink. If the last year has taught me anything, it surely

should have taught me that! I've been drunk for half of it. I was in

jail on a DUI arrest last Christmas Eve. It was horrible! I started

attending AA sporadically a few months ago. Recently, I decided that

I could drink now and then in moderation. Well, I can't.

Yesterday afternoon I bought a 12-pack of beer and drank as much of

it as I could in a very short span of time. I called my son's dad

first and told him that he needed to keep him for the night. Then I

called my boyfriend, because what good is bad behavior if nobody is

going to witness it first hand and tell you how bad you are and that

they never want to see you again? Besides, I needed something from

him. That was, apparently, the point of the whole scene. So, he came

over and sat with me while I cried and fantasized about shooting

nada.

All this drama so that I could cry about not having the money to pay

off my DUI fine, which must be paid by the 30th or my dear, sweet

probation officer is going to issue a warrant for my arrest. How

pathetic is that? Even though my BF told me a couple weeks ago that

he'd help me with it if needed, I just couldn't bring myself to ask.

There I was, crying, threatening to hurt myself, hating the world and

most people in it, and fully expecting him to say that he was giving

me the money and there would be no discussion on the subject. " All

you have to do is ask " , he said. " I don't WANT to ask! " , I cried. He

insisted. I asked. Today, I feel like a total ass for putting

everyone, including , through the wringer yesterday. I'm a bit

hungover as well.

I have too much pride to ask for help, but not enough pride to keep

myself sober. Not enough pride to prevent me from behaving badly and

causing upheaval when there is no need to do so and hurting the few

people who really do love me. I owe about 5 people apologies. God, I

hate myself sometimes!

Christmas is kicking my ass!

Love...