Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 Marie, I think that the best way to relieve your anxiety is to just go and be up front with the person. Say that you overheard the conversation and you were wondering if you did something wrong. Usually it doesn't even have anything to do with us. I think the anxiety and fear comes from being raised to hide or the wrath of the queen/witch nada will be upon you. Most people won't fly off the handle when asked about a situation. If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make them again. Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 Marie, I think that the best way to relieve your anxiety is to just go and be up front with the person. Say that you overheard the conversation and you were wondering if you did something wrong. Usually it doesn't even have anything to do with us. I think the anxiety and fear comes from being raised to hide or the wrath of the queen/witch nada will be upon you. Most people won't fly off the handle when asked about a situation. If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make them again. Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 Marie, I think that the best way to relieve your anxiety is to just go and be up front with the person. Say that you overheard the conversation and you were wondering if you did something wrong. Usually it doesn't even have anything to do with us. I think the anxiety and fear comes from being raised to hide or the wrath of the queen/witch nada will be upon you. Most people won't fly off the handle when asked about a situation. If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make them again. Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 --- " backchatting " <backchat@c...> wrote: > If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are > a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make > them again. > > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 --- " backchatting " <backchat@c...> wrote: > If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are > a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make > them again. > > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 --- " backchatting " <backchat@c...> wrote: > If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are > a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make > them again. > > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 --- " backchatting " <backchat@c...> wrote: > If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are > a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make > them again. > > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 --- Di <backchat@c...> wrote: (Sorry about the last " null " post -- I slipped) I think this is an important point for us KOs to remind ourselves about. I know that with my Nada, there was NO WAY to correct a mistake. Everything I did wrong, or that she THOUGHT I did wrong, " counted against me " in her mind forever. When I was 40 she was still angry with me for things I did when I was 4. I got no credit for learning from mistakes. For example, when I was in grade 1 this nasty girl accused me of stealing an umbrella. My whole life my Nada labelled me " dishonest " and a " thief " and used that incident as " proof " . (Of course she forgot all about it when she was splitting me good.) In the real world, things are usually more reasonable. Most not- mentally-ill people expect others to be fallible and human, and respect those who solicit feedback and operate with the attitude " I am always trying to do better " . My Nada, especially when she was in witch mode, would punish me for visibly trying to improve myself. In her mind, all it did was draw her attention to my shortcomings. I think this is because Nadas don't have the equivalent of " object permanence " with respect to people. They are always about " what have you done with me lately? " , and aren't able to retain an ongoing, cumulative sense of a person. Normal people carry mental pictures of the people in our lives that are built-up over time, and our new experiences with those people add to the picture. With a BP, a new experience more-or-less REPLACES the old picture of a person. They don't forget the old experience, but it kind of loses its attachment to how they regard the person at the moment. And they can dig up ab old memory (like the time I " stole " the umbrella) and if they feel strongly about them it will re-attach itself to the person in their mind, and be as if it just happened, and it's all that happened, or at least the only thing that counts. I think this is the origin of the " unreal " feeling that many KOs have about themselves -- our primary source of mirroring was a BP for whom we WEREN'T real in any permanent sense. If you add that " it's always a new picture " mechanism to the inability to hold more than one emotional dimension at a time (have you noticed that BPs NEVER seem to have " mixed feelings " about anything, although their feelings can yo-yo back and forth?), you get splitting. You also get the impossibility of a BP perceiving someone as both fallible and basically good/competent/kind/moral/whatever. Even the best of us are fallible, and I still have trouble remembering not to beat myself up about that. Hugs, > If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are > a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make > them again. > > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 11, 2005 Report Share Posted May 11, 2005 --- Di <backchat@c...> wrote: (Sorry about the last " null " post -- I slipped) I think this is an important point for us KOs to remind ourselves about. I know that with my Nada, there was NO WAY to correct a mistake. Everything I did wrong, or that she THOUGHT I did wrong, " counted against me " in her mind forever. When I was 40 she was still angry with me for things I did when I was 4. I got no credit for learning from mistakes. For example, when I was in grade 1 this nasty girl accused me of stealing an umbrella. My whole life my Nada labelled me " dishonest " and a " thief " and used that incident as " proof " . (Of course she forgot all about it when she was splitting me good.) In the real world, things are usually more reasonable. Most not- mentally-ill people expect others to be fallible and human, and respect those who solicit feedback and operate with the attitude " I am always trying to do better " . My Nada, especially when she was in witch mode, would punish me for visibly trying to improve myself. In her mind, all it did was draw her attention to my shortcomings. I think this is because Nadas don't have the equivalent of " object permanence " with respect to people. They are always about " what have you done with me lately? " , and aren't able to retain an ongoing, cumulative sense of a person. Normal people carry mental pictures of the people in our lives that are built-up over time, and our new experiences with those people add to the picture. With a BP, a new experience more-or-less REPLACES the old picture of a person. They don't forget the old experience, but it kind of loses its attachment to how they regard the person at the moment. And they can dig up ab old memory (like the time I " stole " the umbrella) and if they feel strongly about them it will re-attach itself to the person in their mind, and be as if it just happened, and it's all that happened, or at least the only thing that counts. I think this is the origin of the " unreal " feeling that many KOs have about themselves -- our primary source of mirroring was a BP for whom we WEREN'T real in any permanent sense. If you add that " it's always a new picture " mechanism to the inability to hold more than one emotional dimension at a time (have you noticed that BPs NEVER seem to have " mixed feelings " about anything, although their feelings can yo-yo back and forth?), you get splitting. You also get the impossibility of a BP perceiving someone as both fallible and basically good/competent/kind/moral/whatever. Even the best of us are fallible, and I still have trouble remembering not to beat myself up about that. Hugs, > If you did something wrong, that's okay- we all make mistakes. You are > a better person for wanting to correct those mistakes or to not make > them again. > > Di. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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