Guest guest Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 rhiann120196 wrote: > > " Children of borderlines are often told, Your mother loves you, > that's just the way she is, she didn't mean it, she can't help it " . > If I had a dollar for every time my dad told me that growing up. > And the older I got the more I realized, if my Dad had to reassure > me of the love of my mother something which should be inherant and > understood - there's got to be a problem here. **Yeah - I can relate - if I had a dollar for everytime my father said " But she means well " - I wouldn't have to work for the rest of my life. ;o) This is a phrase that still gets me. Even if said about someone other than nada - it just makes me angry. I had a coworker who people said this about all the time - and it certainly didn't help me understand her better. > > It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. **yes it is. Terrible that other people have to go through this too - but nice to know it's not just me. > The task I have set before myself now is to begin setting boundaries > and be consistent which I know will take a long time. That is, when > my nada calls me again after being such a disapointment to her for > not jumping to her needs. Then again, it depending on the weather > forecast for the day, my all-loving nada may give me a call next. > Stay tuned. > **Good luck with setting boundaries and being consistent - you're right it isn't easy - but time and patience and hard work will get you there. Take care, Kath > Thank you all again. > > ~rhiann120196~ > > > > > My heart feels broken and exposed and I just can't seem to > escape > > > this nagging pain that I have something to apologize for because > I > > > feel so guilty like I have failed at being a " good " daughter. > > > > You have not failed. Your nada is the failure in that equation. > And > > your father's anger toward you isn't personal. and I put > up > > with that from our dad. It was because he couldn't control nada, > so > > he tried to control us. He needed all the help he could get and > > instead of standing up to her, he finally stood with her and > > sacrificed us. Jeanine is right, (and, Jeanine, quite eloquent, > btw) > > when she says, " I don't think any of us have this figured out > > completely, we have to defend ourselves with logic, which goes > against > > what our hearts say. " But you have the instincts of a survivor, or > > you wouldn't be here. > > > > Please, if you can, read Lawson's book, Understand the > > Borderline Mother. It helped my sister and me so much. You just > hang > > in there. You have done the right thing coming here! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 <<Yup! She did the very best she could with what she had to work with.>> I often wonder about this. It's like the saying, " When you know better, you do better " (attributed to Maya Angelou). My Nada 'knew' better than she 'did' and was quite clear about saying so. In one of her last letters to me before she died, she wrote that despite the terrible consequences her choices in life had on her children, she would make the same choices again. (i.e. - sacrifice them at the altar of worship for the next man who came along). She would often say, " Well of course I know I shouldn't have abandoned you....but I was in love " or " Of course I should have visited you but I knew it would just get me all upset again " . I think there is a degree of calculation in such behavior and that to live a life so entirely self-serving requires a certain skill, not the ignorance as is suggested by these sayings. To describe or attempt to explain it as not knowing better seems somehow to trivialize it. I think a lot of Nada's know better but their personal need is greater than anyone else's. Agreeing to the fact that my Nada would have done better if she'd known better is like saying my car would have given me better mileage if it knew the cost of gas. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 <<Yup! She did the very best she could with what she had to work with.>> I often wonder about this. It's like the saying, " When you know better, you do better " (attributed to Maya Angelou). My Nada 'knew' better than she 'did' and was quite clear about saying so. In one of her last letters to me before she died, she wrote that despite the terrible consequences her choices in life had on her children, she would make the same choices again. (i.e. - sacrifice them at the altar of worship for the next man who came along). She would often say, " Well of course I know I shouldn't have abandoned you....but I was in love " or " Of course I should have visited you but I knew it would just get me all upset again " . I think there is a degree of calculation in such behavior and that to live a life so entirely self-serving requires a certain skill, not the ignorance as is suggested by these sayings. To describe or attempt to explain it as not knowing better seems somehow to trivialize it. I think a lot of Nada's know better but their personal need is greater than anyone else's. Agreeing to the fact that my Nada would have done better if she'd known better is like saying my car would have given me better mileage if it knew the cost of gas. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 > I was also told the same thing, " she didn't mean to hurt you " My take on my Nada now is that she did mean well. She did the best she could. Her idea of the ideal relationship is where the other person completely loses his identity and becomes a part of her. She has done her best to help those around her achieve this blissful state. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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