Re: When people push your buttons

[Guest guest]

> Warning: Rant-intensive.

>

> I've been trying for the last three days to get some stuff working

on

> one of my websites. I've been working with the guy who designed the

> software I've been trying to make work. Woke up today to this

message:

> " ...I don't mean to be rude, but at this point, I'm going to ask if

you

> can give me admin access to your forum. I can fix these

things, /but it

> seems that you are not able to focus on one thing at a time in

order to

> do it./ "

*****Well, if someone said this to me, I'd be upset. I think his

error was in making an assumption - and assuming it was true, without

doing anything to try to verify it. Yes, the 'things' didn't get

fixed, but what proof is there that it is because you 'are not able

to focus......'

>

> Not sure which button of mine this pushed, but it pushed it and

good. My

> knee-jerk reaction is to just give up on working with him, tell him

off,

> and find another way to do it. If I did that, probably as had

happened

> many times in the past, I'd skip the telling-off and just not work

on it

> anymore. Though with how cranky I've been lately, I might actually

> manage the telling-off.

>

> But I NEED this to work. I've been looking for something like this

for

> years, and so I want to make it work. So I am wrestling with the

> patterns that have been instilled in me since childhood to try and

get

> this resolved. I have to resist the urge to just post and say yeah,

> you're right, whatever, just fix it. I am NOT going to give someone

that

> satisfaction, especially since I do not feel at all at fault. I

feel

> that I need to tell him that he wasn't being particularly helpful,

which

> is why I wasn't focusing, but not in so many words, so that he

doesn't

> get offended. So I said:

>

> " Sorry to seem flighty. I had made the changes you suggested, but

still

> was getting the same problem, and I felt like I was not receiving

any

> more instruction, so I was trying to supply possible answers

without

> really knowing what I was talking about, which is probably part of

the

> problem.

> I have given you admin access to the forum and Mambo. Please let me

know

> what you find. "

****This is a great response. Maybe you 'seemed' flighty to him, but

by your statements, you were doing everything suggested. I think

this is a good, and non-emotional way to state what was happening.

>

> I gave him the access he asked for. I was actually about at the

point of

> asking if this would be easier for him anyway, which makes this

whole

> thing that much more ridiculous. But dang it, he pushed one of my

> BP-installed buttons! Grrr! Thanks, fada, for this lovely button

that

> complete strangers can set off over the internet.

>

> /Rant.

>

> *sigh* Is there ever a point when we can uninstall the buttons, or

am I

> going to have to go through this sort of thing every time one of

them

> gets pushed?

>

> -Ping

****Ping, I think you did super! You recognized that something was

triggering a reaction in you. You looked for another way of handling

the situation. What I think is great here is that you stayed focused

on your end goal...and were very determined to do something different

(and better?) to get closer to your goal. You know, you might want to

consider doing something to celebrate your achievement.

As to going through this every time - it does get better. We are

very conscious of all we do when we are starting to make changes,

cause the actions are all new, and probably uncomfortable. Keep on

doing it, and it will become a more comfortable behavior.

Take care,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

> Warning: Rant-intensive.

>

> I've been trying for the last three days to get some stuff working

on

> one of my websites. I've been working with the guy who designed the

> software I've been trying to make work. Woke up today to this

message:

> " ...I don't mean to be rude, but at this point, I'm going to ask if

you

> can give me admin access to your forum. I can fix these

things, /but it

> seems that you are not able to focus on one thing at a time in

order to

> do it./ "

*****Well, if someone said this to me, I'd be upset. I think his

error was in making an assumption - and assuming it was true, without

doing anything to try to verify it. Yes, the 'things' didn't get

fixed, but what proof is there that it is because you 'are not able

to focus......'

>

> Not sure which button of mine this pushed, but it pushed it and

good. My

> knee-jerk reaction is to just give up on working with him, tell him

off,

> and find another way to do it. If I did that, probably as had

happened

> many times in the past, I'd skip the telling-off and just not work

on it

> anymore. Though with how cranky I've been lately, I might actually

> manage the telling-off.

>

> But I NEED this to work. I've been looking for something like this

for

> years, and so I want to make it work. So I am wrestling with the

> patterns that have been instilled in me since childhood to try and

get

> this resolved. I have to resist the urge to just post and say yeah,

> you're right, whatever, just fix it. I am NOT going to give someone

that

> satisfaction, especially since I do not feel at all at fault. I

feel

> that I need to tell him that he wasn't being particularly helpful,

which

> is why I wasn't focusing, but not in so many words, so that he

doesn't

> get offended. So I said:

>

> " Sorry to seem flighty. I had made the changes you suggested, but

still

> was getting the same problem, and I felt like I was not receiving

any

> more instruction, so I was trying to supply possible answers

without

> really knowing what I was talking about, which is probably part of

the

> problem.

> I have given you admin access to the forum and Mambo. Please let me

know

> what you find. "

****This is a great response. Maybe you 'seemed' flighty to him, but

by your statements, you were doing everything suggested. I think

this is a good, and non-emotional way to state what was happening.

>

> I gave him the access he asked for. I was actually about at the

point of

> asking if this would be easier for him anyway, which makes this

whole

> thing that much more ridiculous. But dang it, he pushed one of my

> BP-installed buttons! Grrr! Thanks, fada, for this lovely button

that

> complete strangers can set off over the internet.

>

> /Rant.

>

> *sigh* Is there ever a point when we can uninstall the buttons, or

am I

> going to have to go through this sort of thing every time one of

them

> gets pushed?

>

> -Ping

****Ping, I think you did super! You recognized that something was

triggering a reaction in you. You looked for another way of handling

the situation. What I think is great here is that you stayed focused

on your end goal...and were very determined to do something different

(and better?) to get closer to your goal. You know, you might want to

consider doing something to celebrate your achievement.

As to going through this every time - it does get better. We are

very conscious of all we do when we are starting to make changes,

cause the actions are all new, and probably uncomfortable. Keep on

doing it, and it will become a more comfortable behavior.

Take care,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

smhtrain2 wrote:

> *****Well, if someone said this to me, I'd be upset. I think his

> error was in making an assumption - and assuming it was true, without

> doing anything to try to verify it. Yes, the 'things' didn't get

> fixed, but what proof is there that it is because you 'are not able

> to focus......'

Yes, and his behavior has continued to imply that I just have no clue

what I'm doing. Frustrating. I'm trying not to be too happy that there

seems to be some bizarre bug that he can't figure out, so I'm going to

have to scrap the project.

> ****This is a great response. Maybe you 'seemed' flighty to him, but

> by your statements, you were doing everything suggested. I think

> this is a good, and non-emotional way to state what was happening.

Thanks! I have a hard time finding the balance between not giving

offense and yet still expressing my own thoughts and feelings. Such a KO.

> ****Ping, I think you did super! You recognized that something was

> triggering a reaction in you. You looked for another way of handling

> the situation. What I think is great here is that you stayed focused

> on your end goal...and were very determined to do something different

> (and better?) to get closer to your goal. You know, you might want to

> consider doing something to celebrate your achievement.

Oooh, I like this plan! Thanks for the pat on the back! It's good to

be doing this and not feel like it's happening in a vacuum!

> As to going through this every time - it does get better. We are

> very conscious of all we do when we are starting to make changes,

> cause the actions are all new, and probably uncomfortable. Keep on

> doing it, and it will become a more comfortable behavior.

Thanks, Sylvia! It's good to know that this will get easier. I'm still

not very good at catching my emotional reactions right away. I was

spitting mad for a while before I even thought to try and break it down.

Such a pain! Though I'm definitely a lot better about confrontation when

it's online, rather than in person. I still suck at that.

-Ping

[Guest guest]

> I'm trying not to be too happy that there

> seems to be some bizarre bug that he can't figure out,

> so I'm going to have to scrap the project.

I have seen it happen before that an " expert " will blame the user

when he can't figure out the problem either.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

>

> > I'm trying not to be too happy that there

> > seems to be some bizarre bug that he can't figure out,

> > so I'm going to have to scrap the project.

>

> I have seen it happen before that an " expert " will blame the user

> when he can't figure out the problem either.

>

> - Dan

Me too. I got so fed up with one " expert " (it was a local computer

store manager) that I wrote the company and told them I was sick of

being told my computer didn't work because it was on the wrong kind of

table, in the wrong place in my livingroom, I had a dog, and my drapes

were gold. (In truth, he'd said *all* this but the drapes part.) They

sent me a new computer.

I'm better " not in person " too. :-)

Les