WONDERFUL!! article on the borderline dance by an ex-borderline

[Guest guest]

Ok,this article is by an ex-borderline, and that REALLY helps us to

understand the importance of what we are to do, even while feeling

guilty and/or mean and selfish, in having to deal with a borderline.

Long,but very worth the read; comes from this website

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=511

Theresa

A.J. Mahari, of Canada, is professional freelance writer who is a

survivor of sexual abuse, and a person who has recovered from

Borderline Personality Disorder

I talk about the dance of the borderline and the dilemma of the

non-borderline. (person who does not have BPD but has a loved one with

BPD) The borderline dance is one of survival for the borderline and

the non-borderline's dilemma is one of survival for the

non-borderline.

The Dance of the Borderline can be defined as the

projective-identification/transference of their identity to the extent

that they do not know it on to someone else. What does this mean? It

means that when the borderline in your life is sad, or hurt or afraid,

rather than feel those feelings, as the non-borderline would, the

borderline will turn on you in an effort to have you hold, act out and

be the very feelings that they cannot hold, handle or cope with. It is

a sub-conscious way to have mirrored back to self all that one feels

but refuses to feel. It is essentially, the borderline trying to put

distance between him or herself and his/her own pain. Little do most

borderlines realize that in effect what they are really doing when

they act out and push people away and erect walls to 'protect' them is

wall themselves in with the pain. There is no relief from pain to be

found in casting it out to those or to the world around you. The walls

that a borderline builds will wall that borderline in and threaten to

drown him/her in his/her own pain. The non-borderline who does not

have any boundaries is at risk of being sealed into that borderline

wall of agony.

It is through this dance that the borderline often sets him/herself up

to continually re-experience what feels familiar. As most borderlines

have a tremendous fear of abandonment the behavior that they engage in

often is the reason why people turn away, sooner or later, to maintain

their own sanity. Yet when it is reasonable to leave or to take space

(to a non-borderline) the borderline (usually not taking any personal

responsibility) will blame you and will experience your taking space

or your leaving as abandonment.

The borderline is in a very painful and real world of his or her own.

Emotionally, it is a world that exists in parallel to the world of the

" averagely healthy " . Despite a usually above average intelligence and

an often charming initial presentation most borderlines are

emotionally vastly different from how they are intellectually. The

discrepancy between a borderline's general ability to think and

his/her emotional capacity is often an internal schism between

self-known and self-unknown that is wider than the grand canyon. It is

world that is run by terror and fear and often by the

triggered-dissociations from the past of the borderline.

The Dance of the Borderline is experienced by the non-borderline when

all of sudden, yet again, they have become the focus of the

borderline's pain, rage, anger, unmet needs, wants, demands,

helplessness and so on. Question I've been asked a lot of late in

email is, " How do I not go there? How can I set a boundary? What do I

do when he/she starts it all over again? Why is this happening?

So there is the borderline prone to repeatedly engaging in a deceptive

dance of demanding devastation and the non-borderline who cannot get

into the head (understand the motivation) of the borderline. Herein

lies the dilemma of the non-borderline.

The Non-Borderline's Dilemma is realized when he/she comes to the

inevitable conclusion that he/she has to effect some change for

themselves. There comes the realization that a choice has to be made.

The choice is one that most often feels like, and is, a choice between

equally unfavourable and disagreeable alternatives. This is the

projected out predicament in which the borderline (to a degree) has

lived within all of his/her life without knowing if fully. It is this

similar dilemma/dynamic or predicament that is the fuel of the

borderline dance in the first place. So you see the borderline and the

non-borderline, in some ways, are not so far apart. The experience of

each is painful. The experience of each is real. What each

non-borderline must realize within this dilemma however, is that they

have the tools necessary to take care of themselves. The

non-borderline has the ability (not limited emotionally by a

personality disorder) to responsibly react to what is not working for

them or to what is hurting them.

Borderlines due to the very nature of the personality disorder are not

that emotionally/psychologically free to choose (until they've had

quite a bit of successful therapy and worked through much of these

issues.)

So, you are in a relationship with a borderline and you have reached

this stage of dilemma. You want the relationship to survive. You have

all sorts of mixed feelings toward this borderline in your life, what

are you to do? The first thing you must do is decide what it is that

you cannot live with anymore. Once you've identified that, you will

then have the rather difficult task of communicating that to the

borderline in your life. Before you communicate what your limits and

boundaries are make sure that you are prepared to back them up. If you

are not, or you do not you will experience the dance times one hundred

and the borderline in your life will generate more chaos than before.

So, you've identified the problem, you have decided what your limits

and boundaries are, you have a plan of action ready to implement and

consistently stick to. At this point it's time to talk to the

borderline in your life. As you do this -- remember, you must speak

only to your experience and not to his/her behavior. This will be the

beginning of a difficult and painful process whether things work out

or not. As with any dilemma know that your pain is real and that pain

is a natural part of change. Your pain does not have to cause you to

doubt that you are doing what you need to do for yourself.

The non-borderline must communicate honestly, fairly and consistently

with the borderline knowing full well that you cannot have any

control, effect or say on how the borderline in your life will choose

to react or behave.

The only way to not be engaged in the dance of the borderline is to

identify, communicate and follow through with your boundaries. Your

message in words and in action must be clear. If for example, the

borderline in your life is demanding something from you that you

cannot give, it is reasonable that you answer the demand calmly with a

statement about how you feel and why you cannot do what you are being

asked or manipulated to do. Then make a clear statement that you are

not going to continue to engage in the conflict or issue. If the

borderline continues to press or escalates his/her behavior then you

have to disengage in whatever way you have set out as the way that you

will do this. For example, if you made it clear you will leave the

house for an hour or that you will take a half hour alone somewhere in

the house then you must do this.

If you are finding that you have set boundaries and limits and that

you have communicated them and acted upon them only to meet with more

and more conflict, abuse, hostility etc then it is time to consider

space. In order for you to take care of yourself and have your needs

met, your boundaries and limits need to be respected. This is often

next to impossible for many borderlines (not yet in therapy or

refusing to get help). If the borderline in your life is not getting

help, won't go get help, is in total denial, and will not respect your

personhood then the choice you have to make in order to maintain your

own sanity is one of space and distance, for a time, or altogether.

As someone who has gone through this from the side of having

borderline personality disorder I can honestly say that it took my

losing people from my life before I could incorporate certain changes.

If you are staying in a relationship or continually caving or

surrendering to " have peace " only to find that is not " right " , or

" good enough " for the borderline in your life either: you are doing NO

ONE a favour by staying in that situation. You have to decide whether

you are willing to remain a hostage anymore or not. Do you want your

freedom enough? Yes in the pursuit of your disengaging the dance and

your attaining your freedom you will hurt. The borderline will hurt.

If life and recovery have taught me anything it's that you cannot grow

and change without feeling pain. Let your pain motivate you to learn

the lesson, whether you are a borderline or a non-borderline.

Often we, borderline or non-borderline have to lose in order to gain.

We have to grieve in order to grow. We have to say good-bye in order

to say hello to ourselves and to subsequent others in our lives. No

one of us can change for another. No one of us can control another.

Relationships are complicated and hard enough. For the borderline they

are not truly possible until the borderline learns to relate to

" self " . Until the borderline learns to relate to " self " he/she will

always be relating over and over again to " self " through " other " . This

reality pushes the " other " away. It also is why the borderline tries

to take hostages. If the borderline (in throes of BPD) only knows

" self " through " other " and " other " goes away the experience is one as

real and painful as " death of self " -- annihilation. The end of a

relationship to a borderline can be like a death of " self " as was

known in " other " . The end of a relationship for a non-borderline or

averagely " healthy " person is a very sad, painful loss but it is not

the loss of self. In fact, when a non-borderline leaves a borderline

they often experience a very healthy and welcoming " re-birth " of

" self " .

If you are borderline it is up to you to take responsibility for

yourself and to learn to respect the limits and boundaries of others.

If you are borderline you need to find yourself and to live through

that " self " and not project that lost " self " onto others. If you are a

non-borderline you need to be realistic with yourself and not accept

anything less than basic human courtesy and respect.

The Dance of the Borderline, the tune of which can only be heard by a

borderline is music that a non-borderline cannot truly hear or

appreciate. You live in one world, separated from itself, worlds

over-lapping, yet not touching, worlds in parallel. Borderlines need

to stop the dance and the non- borderlines need to end their dilemmas.

Whether this can be done in tandem or whether you have to let go and

do it alone, only each of you can decide. Each one of us in this world

has a responsibility to ourselves. We cannot extend any real love to

another until we learn to love " self " , borderline or not.