Re: Re: In a Bind

[Guest guest]

My daughter is real close to 15 now. Her friend is 16. Nada has

slowly become enmeshed with this family whose daughter is " almost now

was " my daughter's almost best friend. Nada's involvement with

certain people is no mistake. She hits where it cuts the worst.

I don't know what you mean about explaining to everyone what is going

on. That is impossible, isn't it? I did have to explain it to the

priest who invited daughter and I to go to Germany with the church

group this summer b/c he has brought up off and on about there being

" strain " in the relationship between me and my mother. Since nada

tried to force herself to be able to go on the summer trip, too, I had

to let him know that if that happened, daughter and I would be VERY

uncomfortable and let him know why. I think his bringing up the

" strain " in relationship even in front of my daughter like he did, he

was trying to get a better understanding of what is going on.

Theresa

> Theresa,

>

> It helps to know that other BPs fire or get fired from their

> therapists before any progress or diagnosis can be made. It's been a

> frustrating experience for my family, as well.

>

> It would be good to know how old your daughter is before giving any

> good advice. But, in the meantime, I think what you are describing

> resembles what a lot fo Nons go through in Oz. The world that we

> enter when we relate to our BP parents is surreal; the only problem is

> that any of Nada's friends or family, the rest of the neighborhood, as

> it were, doesn't usually know enough to understand the Land of Oz or

> what kind of dramas can be scripted by the BP.

>

> What's often been fascinating to me has been to observe friends of my

> mother's get enrolled --unwittingly-- as actors on the scripted stage

> of my mother's fantastic, dramatic mind.

>

> What I think I would do, is take " action, " rather than constant

> " reaction. " Rather than reacting to this situation as an isolated

> incident, see it as part of a larger pattern, and use it to continue

> teaching your daughter what examples of Nada's pattern look like so

> that she can identify them. Encourage your daughter to understand the

> difference between Oz and Kansas, reality. I think of it from the

> reference point of the movie, " The Matrix. " When my brother and/or I

> go in, we know we're going into a constructed world and that, if we're

> careful, we can maintain a line out of whenever we choose to leave and

> go back to reality.

>

> Building these boundaries for you and you family is a really

> importance step, I think. It provides a safe physical and mental

> space to sit and be in health and something conretely true to the

> self. If you haven't already, you might want to consider the fortress

> you can construct for your daughter, and enroll her in helping you

> build it. Maybe her friends can help, too, once they understand that

> it is characteristic to NEC people (snow people into believing they're

> fine and saying, " that person is Not Even Close " to BPD/not sick at

> all). Perhaps it would be helpful to define the people that matter

> most to you and your daughter in your community(ies), so that those

> people who's opinions of you and your daughter matter can begin to

> understand BPD, NEC and Oz -- maybe they can become allies or aprt of

> your and your daughter's support network.

>

> I think if there's a fortress of sorts, you and your daughter have

> something to retreat to when you're ready to " unplug " and go back to

> reality. And it gives allies --old & new-- a place to hear you and

> see you out of Oz. I know that it's difficult to have to launch an

> entire grassroots organizing campaign to explain to the " EVERYONE " in

> Nada's phonebook what is going on, but you might find that it is both

> cathartic and therapeutic for you and your daughter's long term sanity.

>

> This too shall pass,

>

>

>

>

>

> > My daughter put on a diary web site of hers (which only 4 of her

> > friends read) that she is soooo upset b/c her grandma is ruining the

> > family as she has this borderline personality disorder....

> >

> > I am sure that was a big mistake; my sister tells me it was anyway.

> > Daughter was just fed up with her better friend loving grandma and

> > inviting her to birthday parties and dances, etc etc. Anway, her

> > friend emailed back saying this:

> >

> > " So um, yeah, just curious, has your grandma been dignosed by a

> doctor? She

> > seems normal to me. I can't see how your grandma could have a

> personality

> > disorder. Maybe I'm being nosy but it really doesn't seem like that

> could be

> > true unless she was on some REALLY good medication for it. "

> >

> > Now what occurred was this girl told her mother what was on daughter's

> > diary page on the web and this is themother i absolutely can't stand

> > if you guys remember. So that mother told my nada. Nada wants to know

> > why daughter put that on her diary web page so other people can read

> > it. Nada told me she was never told by anyone that she was diagnosed

> > with a personality disorder. See, this is all part of her game plan -

> > leave any therapist for another one and you practically have a

> > non-existent diagnosis. So I don't know what to have daughter tell

> > her friend. My nada was diagnosed BPD, but the therapist did not

> > tell nada, and I am guessing it's b/c they either don't tell them

> > directly or she just did not get a chance, b/c she discharged nada for

> > not following recommendations shortly after that. Now daughter is

> > frustrated her friend does not really believe her b/c she thinks nada

> > is so normal. Whatever daughter tells this girl is going to go to her

> > mother which is going to go to nada.

> >

> > B/c of this statement of BPD on daughter's page (which is only read by

> > 4 of her friends) nada is calling up everyone, and I mean EVERYONE,

> > saying hateful things about me and daughter like I am trying to stand

> > between nada and daughter, and also telling these people she is

> > concerned that my mental illness has come back.

> >

> > Now that dad has left nada, I can't fathom going back with her for

> > anything after she called everyone on the phone and talked to everyone

> > at church (well, not everyone), just because she can't stand to be

> > alone. Ain't gonna take much more for me to really consider moving.

> >

> > Theresa

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Theresa:

I agree that you'll probably have to let some other people know. Your

daughter should ask her " friend " what she knows about Borderline Personality

disorder. She should also let them know the BPD is a fairly new diagnosed

disease and it is called " Borderline " because the early psychologists who

tried to treat it were bewildered by the combination of extremely healthy

functions with occasional psychotic episodes or extreme neuroses. They

couldn't put their finger on it I think it's fair to say that most people

who have a superficial relationship with a BP will think the BP is totally

" normal. " It's also fair to ask the friend why they think your father might

have left nada.

If moving is an option for you, I'd talk with your daughter and consider

it. It certainly seems from your posts that the level of " drama " in your

life from being near your Mom is unnacceptable.

On another note, this a good thing for your daughter to learn early.

Anytime you print something on the web (Or actually even email something),

unless you're anonymous, you should be concerned with what would be the

effect of someone reading this.

--

[Guest guest]

So, this is an interesting new idea here. I am used to thinking I am

just supposed to have daughter and I tell people something like " this

is a complicated family issue and I cannot discuss it with you " thing,

seeing as how many people will not believe us anyway and we don't want

to have to deal with that, either. At the same time it is annoying

b/c they have gotten the BP's point of view on us and our behavior and

yet it's like we have to keep our mouth shut about the torture we are

undergoing. Is this why you say we should discuss it with some

people?

My nada approached us today; we had changed the time we went to

church. Just as I figured, nada finally figured it out and came at

the time we went. I wanted to puke, actually. After church nada

clutched my daughter as if she had not seen her in 10 years and said

" I am so glad to see you! " then presumes on as if nothing happened in

our past lifetime. So annoying. My nada really does not see that she

has done ANYTHING wrong at all. She can't understand why we are

acting like this, which is why she is telling people I must be getting

mentally sick again.

Theresa

> Theresa:

> I agree that you'll probably have to let some other people know. Your

> daughter should ask her " friend " what she knows about Borderline Personality

> disorder. She should also let them know the BPD is a fairly new diagnosed

> disease and it is called " Borderline " because the early psychologists who

> tried to treat it were bewildered by the combination of extremely healthy

> functions with occasional psychotic episodes or extreme neuroses. They

> couldn't put their finger on it I think it's fair to say that most people

> who have a superficial relationship with a BP will think the BP is totally

> " normal. " It's also fair to ask the friend why they think your father might

> have left nada.

> If moving is an option for you, I'd talk with your daughter and consider

> it. It certainly seems from your posts that the level of " drama " in your

> life from being near your Mom is unnacceptable.

> On another note, this a good thing for your daughter to learn early.

> Anytime you print something on the web (Or actually even email something),

> unless you're anonymous, you should be concerned with what would be the

> effect of someone reading this.

> --

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the admiration. I keep reminding myself that my nada's

previous therapist believes me. I called her saying I will not go to

nada's current therapist until records from that previous therapist

are released to the current therapist. I am sure nada will explain

away that one if she can stating she isnot like that any more or

whatever. I briefed the previous therapiston the goings on and she

just kept saying, " I am so sorry you and your daughter have to go

through this "

When anyone approaches me about dad leaving nada I will just say,

" Well, why do you think someone would just leave taking nothing? "

I mean, gotta admit, either that person is jumping off the deep end to

go die or another act of desperation like getting the heck away from

the craziness they lived in. I cannot think of any other

possibilities.

I am just presently upset that the lady who was upset at my nada b/c

my nada called her a " warden " for watching my daughter and taking her

to that friend's confirmation went ahead and invited nada her kid's

birthday party. I mean at least she could ahve warned me,but I guess

she figured daughter and I would not go to her kid's party if we knew

nada was there or something. DAughter almost keeled over when she

walked around the corner and there was nada. Then nada demanding my

daughter give her hugs or kisses or saying " I love you " in front of

other people, of course, so that daughter feels pressured I suppose.

It's so dumb. I found a local support group that meets 1st and 3rd

Sat of the month, but I called the person who could give me more info

and my case, and she said she does notthink they have had anyone who

had a PARENT who was BP in their group, and definitely no one with a

case as weird and bad as mine. I will go check it out just for the

heck of it, though.

I give nada a year to start cleaning up her act and if she is just as

crazy in a few months from now as she is now I figure I will try to

move.

Theresa

> Hi Theresa,

> I just wanted to say that I have so much respect and

> admiration for you. What you have been going through

> with NADA, daughter, horses, the best friend's mother

> etc has been so crazy but you continue to search for

> solutions and validate your child.

>

> Any normy would not believe what you have been

> through! I think, in your case, it might be okay to

> explain briefly to others that your mother has

> errative behavior and mood swings due to a personality

> disorder and you would appreciate their understanding.

>

> I think a couple of weeks ago you talked about moving

> away. I think, although hard initially, and scary for

> your daughter, a move may be the only way you can get

> un-enmeshed with your determined Nada.

> HUGS,

>

>

>

>

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>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>