Re: hmm - nada backs off and now I am uncomfortable

[Guest guest]

How do you suggest I communicate to her it's not that I don't want my

granddaughter not to have grandparents thing. I ain't callin' her

up,that's for sure!

Actually, daughter said she does not want grandnada to be her grandparent.

Thanks for sharing your experience; that helps me out.

Theresa

> Theresa:

> I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

> wrong. " yeah, right.

> I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months (6

> to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview for

> quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact track

> for a while.

> It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty low,

> she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

> advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about being

> resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

> doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

> things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better behavior

> in!? :-)

> It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

> Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

> interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

> that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story you

> made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do unto

> others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your mother,

> you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a natural

> consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

> beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

> commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower you!

> :-)

> But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

> more of a muscle you develop.

>

> Good luck,

> --

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'd just ignore her for at least a couple of weeks - she seems to have

inserted herself in your environment, so if she shows up somewhere, just

leave, etc. and then have the conversation with her later. No need to chat

with her now, or even send a letter that might impel her to come and chat

with you. You can give her the " talk " after she's been " avoided " for a

couple of weeks or months. It might have more weight then as it'll be clear

it's not an idol threat.

Good luck - you should do something fun w/ your daughter this weekend where

you know you won't see nada - go for a hike or a museum or something your

daughter would enjoy. Try to focus on something else - I know it's hard, but

building a muscle of being able to focus on other things can really help.

--

>

> How do you suggest I communicate to her it's not that I don't want my

> granddaughter not to have grandparents thing. I ain't callin' her

> up,that's for sure!

>

> Actually, daughter said she does not want grandnada to be her grandparent.

>

> Thanks for sharing your experience; that helps me out.

>

> Theresa

>

>

> > Theresa:

> > I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

> > wrong. " yeah, right.

> > I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months

> (6

> > to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview

> for

> > quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact

> track

> > for a while.

> > It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty

> low,

> > she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

> > advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about

> being

> > resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

> > doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

> > things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better

> behavior

> > in!? :-)

> > It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

> > Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

> > interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

> > that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story

> you

> > made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do

> unto

> > others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your

> mother,

> > you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a

> natural

> > consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

> > beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

> > commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower

> you!

> > :-)

> > But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

> > more of a muscle you develop.

> >

> > Good luck,

> > --

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'd just ignore her for at least a couple of weeks - she seems to have

inserted herself in your environment, so if she shows up somewhere, just

leave, etc. and then have the conversation with her later. No need to chat

with her now, or even send a letter that might impel her to come and chat

with you. You can give her the " talk " after she's been " avoided " for a

couple of weeks or months. It might have more weight then as it'll be clear

it's not an idol threat.

Good luck - you should do something fun w/ your daughter this weekend where

you know you won't see nada - go for a hike or a museum or something your

daughter would enjoy. Try to focus on something else - I know it's hard, but

building a muscle of being able to focus on other things can really help.

--

>

> How do you suggest I communicate to her it's not that I don't want my

> granddaughter not to have grandparents thing. I ain't callin' her

> up,that's for sure!

>

> Actually, daughter said she does not want grandnada to be her grandparent.

>

> Thanks for sharing your experience; that helps me out.

>

> Theresa

>

>

> > Theresa:

> > I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

> > wrong. " yeah, right.

> > I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months

> (6

> > to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview

> for

> > quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact

> track

> > for a while.

> > It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty

> low,

> > she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

> > advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about

> being

> > resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

> > doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

> > things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better

> behavior

> > in!? :-)

> > It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

> > Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

> > interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

> > that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story

> you

> > made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do

> unto

> > others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your

> mother,

> > you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a

> natural

> > consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

> > beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

> > commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower

> you!

> > :-)

> > But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

> > more of a muscle you develop.

> >

> > Good luck,

> > --

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'd just ignore her for at least a couple of weeks - she seems to have

inserted herself in your environment, so if she shows up somewhere, just

leave, etc. and then have the conversation with her later. No need to chat

with her now, or even send a letter that might impel her to come and chat

with you. You can give her the " talk " after she's been " avoided " for a

couple of weeks or months. It might have more weight then as it'll be clear

it's not an idol threat.

Good luck - you should do something fun w/ your daughter this weekend where

you know you won't see nada - go for a hike or a museum or something your

daughter would enjoy. Try to focus on something else - I know it's hard, but

building a muscle of being able to focus on other things can really help.

--

>

> How do you suggest I communicate to her it's not that I don't want my

> granddaughter not to have grandparents thing. I ain't callin' her

> up,that's for sure!

>

> Actually, daughter said she does not want grandnada to be her grandparent.

>

> Thanks for sharing your experience; that helps me out.

>

> Theresa

>

>

> > Theresa:

> > I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

> > wrong. " yeah, right.

> > I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months

> (6

> > to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview

> for

> > quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact

> track

> > for a while.

> > It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty

> low,

> > she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

> > advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about

> being

> > resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

> > doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

> > things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better

> behavior

> > in!? :-)

> > It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

> > Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

> > interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

> > that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story

> you

> > made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do

> unto

> > others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your

> mother,

> > you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a

> natural

> > consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

> > beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

> > commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower

> you!

> > :-)

> > But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

> > more of a muscle you develop.

> >

> > Good luck,

> > --

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Theresa,

When I read about this conversation, I never for a minute thought that

you really meant you didn't want your daughter to have grandparents.

Your nada baited you with a statement, you were having a frustrating

conversation, and you gave a quick response. We don't always mean what

we say, and God knows this. Please remember that in the Christian

world, a grandmother doesn't speak lies about her daughter to her

granddaughter or to other people.

I think you are being too hard on yourself in this situation, and

expecting yourself to be perfect while dealing with a person with a

serious problem. And lastly, being a Christian doesn't mean letting

people abuse you or your family.

Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

> That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

> I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

> wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

> child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

> family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

> a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

> abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

> not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

> Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

> my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

>

> Theresa

[Guest guest]

Hi Theresa,

When I read about this conversation, I never for a minute thought that

you really meant you didn't want your daughter to have grandparents.

Your nada baited you with a statement, you were having a frustrating

conversation, and you gave a quick response. We don't always mean what

we say, and God knows this. Please remember that in the Christian

world, a grandmother doesn't speak lies about her daughter to her

granddaughter or to other people.

I think you are being too hard on yourself in this situation, and

expecting yourself to be perfect while dealing with a person with a

serious problem. And lastly, being a Christian doesn't mean letting

people abuse you or your family.

Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

> That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

> I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

> wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

> child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

> family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

> a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

> abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

> not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

> Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

> my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

>

> Theresa

[Guest guest]

Hi Theresa,

When I read about this conversation, I never for a minute thought that

you really meant you didn't want your daughter to have grandparents.

Your nada baited you with a statement, you were having a frustrating

conversation, and you gave a quick response. We don't always mean what

we say, and God knows this. Please remember that in the Christian

world, a grandmother doesn't speak lies about her daughter to her

granddaughter or to other people.

I think you are being too hard on yourself in this situation, and

expecting yourself to be perfect while dealing with a person with a

serious problem. And lastly, being a Christian doesn't mean letting

people abuse you or your family.

Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

> That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

> I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

> wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

> child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

> family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

> a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

> abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

> not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

> Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

> my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

>

> Theresa

[Guest guest]

> When I read about this conversation, I never for a minute thought that

> you really meant you didn't want your daughter to have grandparents.

> Your nada baited you with a statement, you were having a frustrating

> conversation, and you gave a quick response. We don't always mean what

> we say, and God knows this.

Yeah, it was baited wasn't it? I think she does that sometimes so she

can go around telling people I said something mean when really it was

her and not me directly.

>lease remember that in the Christian

> world, a grandmother doesn't speak lies about her daughter to >her

granddaughter or to other people.

>

That's true, too, isn't it? Man, still duped into thinking only the

" parents " get any honor. Of course, according to her I don't count

b/c she is a " higher up " parent than I am, being a grandparent.

> I think you are being too hard on yourself in this situation, and

> expecting yourself to be perfect while dealing with a person with >a serious

problem.

Yes, that's for sure. I certainly felt better after hearing from my

daughter she does not want a grandmother like that plus hearing from

.

>And lastly, being a Christian doesn't mean letting

> people abuse you or your family.

>

Yep! And to think nada has used against me the ole " What would Jesus

do? " thing. Of course she thinks that Jesus would practically

worship the ground she walks on, I guess, b/c she is the ultimate

" mother "

I can't happen to think of a situation in the Bible where someone

separated b/c of abuse, but it may be in there.

Theresa