Re: hmm - nada backs off and now I am uncomfortable

[Guest guest]

Theresa,

and she says " So you

> don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> not "

you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter can't

have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of them and

the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the rules SHE'S the

one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your daughter...

alexis

---------------------------------

Discover Yahoo!

Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

[Guest guest]

Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

" You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that, but

I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that are

unacceptable. "

Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

:-)

--

>

> I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> decision

>

> Theresa

>

> > Theresa,

> > and she says " So you

> > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > not "

> >

> > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter

> can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of

> them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the

> rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your

> daughter...

> > alexis

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Discover Yahoo!

> > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

" You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that, but

I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that are

unacceptable. "

Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

:-)

--

>

> I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> decision

>

> Theresa

>

> > Theresa,

> > and she says " So you

> > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > not "

> >

> > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter

> can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of

> them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the

> rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your

> daughter...

> > alexis

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Discover Yahoo!

> > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

" You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that, but

I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that are

unacceptable. "

Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

:-)

--

>

> I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> decision

>

> Theresa

>

> > Theresa,

> > and she says " So you

> > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > not "

> >

> > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter

> can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of

> them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the

> rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your

> daughter...

> > alexis

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Discover Yahoo!

> > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child to have

grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that and said, " I guess

not " so that now she can tell everyone I said that even though she is

the one who brought it up. It's like she threw the granade in my yard

and I ran, so it's still in my yard. How do I throw the ball back at

her?

Thanks,

Theresa

> Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

> " You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

> improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that, but

> I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that are

> unacceptable. "

> Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

> :-)

> --

>

>

> >

> > I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> > onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> > decision

> >

> > Theresa

> >

> > > Theresa,

> > > and she says " So you

> > > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > > not "

> > >

> > > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter

> > can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of

> > them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the

> > rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your

> > daughter...

> > > alexis

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Discover Yahoo!

> > > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child to have

grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that and said, " I guess

not " so that now she can tell everyone I said that even though she is

the one who brought it up. It's like she threw the granade in my yard

and I ran, so it's still in my yard. How do I throw the ball back at

her?

Thanks,

Theresa

> Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

> " You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

> improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that, but

> I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that are

> unacceptable. "

> Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

> :-)

> --

>

>

> >

> > I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> > onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> > decision

> >

> > Theresa

> >

> > > Theresa,

> > > and she says " So you

> > > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > > not "

> > >

> > > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter

> > can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of

> > them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the

> > rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your

> > daughter...

> > > alexis

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Discover Yahoo!

> > > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child to have

grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that and said, " I guess

not " so that now she can tell everyone I said that even though she is

the one who brought it up. It's like she threw the granade in my yard

and I ran, so it's still in my yard. How do I throw the ball back at

her?

Thanks,

Theresa

> Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

> " You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

> improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that, but

> I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that are

> unacceptable. "

> Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

> :-)

> --

>

>

> >

> > I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> > onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> > decision

> >

> > Theresa

> >

> > > Theresa,

> > > and she says " So you

> > > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > > not "

> > >

> > > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your daughter

> > can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she knows of

> > them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks the

> > rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to your

> > daughter...

> > > alexis

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Discover Yahoo!

> > > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

" Look Mom, I obviously don't want my daughter not to have a grandmother, but

it really isn't up to me. It's up to you controlling your behavior. That's

just the way it is. "

>

> What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child to have

> grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that and said, " I guess

> not " so that now she can tell everyone I said that even though she is

> the one who brought it up. It's like she threw the granade in my yard

> and I ran, so it's still in my yard. How do I throw the ball back at

> her?

>

> Thanks,

> Theresa

>

>

> > Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

> > " You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

> > improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that,

> but

> > I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that

> are

> > unacceptable. "

> > Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

> > :-)

> > --

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> > > onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> > > decision

> > >

> > > Theresa

> > >

> > > > Theresa,

> > > > and she says " So you

> > > > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > > > not "

> > > >

> > > > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your

> daughter

> > > can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she

> knows of

> > > them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks

> the

> > > rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to

> your

> > > daughter...

> > > > alexis

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Discover Yahoo!

> > > > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

" Look Mom, I obviously don't want my daughter not to have a grandmother, but

it really isn't up to me. It's up to you controlling your behavior. That's

just the way it is. "

>

> What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child to have

> grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that and said, " I guess

> not " so that now she can tell everyone I said that even though she is

> the one who brought it up. It's like she threw the granade in my yard

> and I ran, so it's still in my yard. How do I throw the ball back at

> her?

>

> Thanks,

> Theresa

>

>

> > Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

> > " You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

> > improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that,

> but

> > I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that

> are

> > unacceptable. "

> > Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

> > :-)

> > --

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> > > onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> > > decision

> > >

> > > Theresa

> > >

> > > > Theresa,

> > > > and she says " So you

> > > > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > > > not "

> > > >

> > > > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your

> daughter

> > > can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she

> knows of

> > > them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks

> the

> > > rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to

> your

> > > daughter...

> > > > alexis

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Discover Yahoo!

> > > > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

" Look Mom, I obviously don't want my daughter not to have a grandmother, but

it really isn't up to me. It's up to you controlling your behavior. That's

just the way it is. "

>

> What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child to have

> grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that and said, " I guess

> not " so that now she can tell everyone I said that even though she is

> the one who brought it up. It's like she threw the granade in my yard

> and I ran, so it's still in my yard. How do I throw the ball back at

> her?

>

> Thanks,

> Theresa

>

>

> > Keep hitting the ball back across the net.

> > " You're right I am the one making the decision, so unless your behavior

> > improves you won't be seeing your grandchild. I'm not happy about that,

> but

> > I'm also not happy that you occasionally choose to behave in ways that

> are

> > unacceptable. "

> > Like tennis, the more you hit it back, the better you get at it!

> > :-)

> > --

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I have sort of said similar things before and she just turns it around

> > > onto me, blaming me somehow just because I am the one making the

> > > decision

> > >

> > > Theresa

> > >

> > > > Theresa,

> > > > and she says " So you

> > > > > don't want your child to have any grandparents? " I said " I guess

> > > > > not "

> > > >

> > > > you could also remind her that you're not the one deciding your

> daughter

> > > can't have any grandparents...NADA is. you set the boundaries, she

> knows of

> > > them and the consequences if she breaks them....and when SHE breaks

> the

> > > rules SHE'S the one making the decision not to be a grandparent to

> your

> > > daughter...

> > > > alexis

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Discover Yahoo!

> > > > Stay in touch with email, IM, photo sharing & more. Check it out!

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

--- taptyper <theresa.vidos@g...> wrote:

> What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child

> to have grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that

> and said, " I guess not " so that now she can tell everyone

> I said that even though she is the one who brought it up.

Theresa, no matter WHAT you said, if Nada is in the mood to tell

everyone something bad about you, she will either find or make up

something to tell them. So, no matter what you do, she's going to

go around bad-mouthing you if she feels like it.

What makes her feel like bad-mouthing you MIGHT be something you did,

but it might be something (like the weather(!) or your Dad or Sis

doing something to get split-good) that you didn't do, that you might

not even know about.

In a way this makes it seem kind of hopeless -- you can't prevent

Nada from bad-mouthing you no matter how careful you are about what

you say to her. But on the other hand it can be kind of freeing too.

Nada's going to act like a BP no matter what, so you might as well

not worry about it!

Besides, the more BP-like she acts, the sooner some people will catch

on that she's just not normal, or at least not truthful. Some people

never will, and that's another thing that's beyond your control.

If you go around compensating for Nada's BP behaviour or trying to

prevent it, in a way you're validating it -- sending the message

through your actions that Nada's way of behaving is legitimate, and

that you need to respond to it. It's NOT a legitimate (not

healthy, not honest, not fair, not constructive, not civilized, not

normal) way to behave.

If you say nothing about this, that's a way to send the message that

you think it goes without saying that you have a right to make the

decisions about how your daughter is raised.

And if anybody asks, you could simply say that you are not

comfortable with some things about Nada's behaviour towards your

daughter, and that Nada has not complied with your requests regarding

this.

Or you could say that it came down to a choice between your Nada's

wishes and your daughter's welfare, and even though you are sad about

it you felt you had to protect your daughter's welfare.

These are just a couple of examples. There are lots of ways you can

be truthful and true to yourself without either validating Nada's BP-

thinking and BP-behaviours, or getting into a mud-slinging match with

her.

Of course, those of us who were raised by Nadas sometimes might need

to do a bit of thinking about this, because the communications styles

we learned from Nada were the complete opposite of truthful and true-

to-ourselves!

Hugs,

[Guest guest]

--- taptyper <theresa.vidos@g...> wrote:

> What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child

> to have grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that

> and said, " I guess not " so that now she can tell everyone

> I said that even though she is the one who brought it up.

Theresa, no matter WHAT you said, if Nada is in the mood to tell

everyone something bad about you, she will either find or make up

something to tell them. So, no matter what you do, she's going to

go around bad-mouthing you if she feels like it.

What makes her feel like bad-mouthing you MIGHT be something you did,

but it might be something (like the weather(!) or your Dad or Sis

doing something to get split-good) that you didn't do, that you might

not even know about.

In a way this makes it seem kind of hopeless -- you can't prevent

Nada from bad-mouthing you no matter how careful you are about what

you say to her. But on the other hand it can be kind of freeing too.

Nada's going to act like a BP no matter what, so you might as well

not worry about it!

Besides, the more BP-like she acts, the sooner some people will catch

on that she's just not normal, or at least not truthful. Some people

never will, and that's another thing that's beyond your control.

If you go around compensating for Nada's BP behaviour or trying to

prevent it, in a way you're validating it -- sending the message

through your actions that Nada's way of behaving is legitimate, and

that you need to respond to it. It's NOT a legitimate (not

healthy, not honest, not fair, not constructive, not civilized, not

normal) way to behave.

If you say nothing about this, that's a way to send the message that

you think it goes without saying that you have a right to make the

decisions about how your daughter is raised.

And if anybody asks, you could simply say that you are not

comfortable with some things about Nada's behaviour towards your

daughter, and that Nada has not complied with your requests regarding

this.

Or you could say that it came down to a choice between your Nada's

wishes and your daughter's welfare, and even though you are sad about

it you felt you had to protect your daughter's welfare.

These are just a couple of examples. There are lots of ways you can

be truthful and true to yourself without either validating Nada's BP-

thinking and BP-behaviours, or getting into a mud-slinging match with

her.

Of course, those of us who were raised by Nadas sometimes might need

to do a bit of thinking about this, because the communications styles

we learned from Nada were the complete opposite of truthful and true-

to-ourselves!

Hugs,

[Guest guest]

--- taptyper <theresa.vidos@g...> wrote:

> What do I do now that she asked " You don't want your child

> to have grandparents " and I was caught off guard by that

> and said, " I guess not " so that now she can tell everyone

> I said that even though she is the one who brought it up.

Theresa, no matter WHAT you said, if Nada is in the mood to tell

everyone something bad about you, she will either find or make up

something to tell them. So, no matter what you do, she's going to

go around bad-mouthing you if she feels like it.

What makes her feel like bad-mouthing you MIGHT be something you did,

but it might be something (like the weather(!) or your Dad or Sis

doing something to get split-good) that you didn't do, that you might

not even know about.

In a way this makes it seem kind of hopeless -- you can't prevent

Nada from bad-mouthing you no matter how careful you are about what

you say to her. But on the other hand it can be kind of freeing too.

Nada's going to act like a BP no matter what, so you might as well

not worry about it!

Besides, the more BP-like she acts, the sooner some people will catch

on that she's just not normal, or at least not truthful. Some people

never will, and that's another thing that's beyond your control.

If you go around compensating for Nada's BP behaviour or trying to

prevent it, in a way you're validating it -- sending the message

through your actions that Nada's way of behaving is legitimate, and

that you need to respond to it. It's NOT a legitimate (not

healthy, not honest, not fair, not constructive, not civilized, not

normal) way to behave.

If you say nothing about this, that's a way to send the message that

you think it goes without saying that you have a right to make the

decisions about how your daughter is raised.

And if anybody asks, you could simply say that you are not

comfortable with some things about Nada's behaviour towards your

daughter, and that Nada has not complied with your requests regarding

this.

Or you could say that it came down to a choice between your Nada's

wishes and your daughter's welfare, and even though you are sad about

it you felt you had to protect your daughter's welfare.

These are just a couple of examples. There are lots of ways you can

be truthful and true to yourself without either validating Nada's BP-

thinking and BP-behaviours, or getting into a mud-slinging match with

her.

Of course, those of us who were raised by Nadas sometimes might need

to do a bit of thinking about this, because the communications styles

we learned from Nada were the complete opposite of truthful and true-

to-ourselves!

Hugs,

[Guest guest]

Well, the problem is she can't control her behavior b/c she is

absolutely clueless on what she is doing or saying inappropriately.

So if I tell her to control it and she says she will, she won't b/c

she doesn't know when she is doing something inappropriate, I guess

Theresa

> " Look Mom, I obviously don't want my daughter not to have a grandmother, but

> it really isn't up to me. It's up to you controlling your behavior. That's

> just the way it is. "

[Guest guest]

Well, the problem is she can't control her behavior b/c she is

absolutely clueless on what she is doing or saying inappropriately.

So if I tell her to control it and she says she will, she won't b/c

she doesn't know when she is doing something inappropriate, I guess

Theresa

> " Look Mom, I obviously don't want my daughter not to have a grandmother, but

> it really isn't up to me. It's up to you controlling your behavior. That's

> just the way it is. "

[Guest guest]

That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

Theresa

[Guest guest]

That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

Theresa

[Guest guest]

Theresa:

I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

wrong. " yeah, right.

I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months (6

to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview for

quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact track

for a while.

It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty low,

she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about being

resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better behavior

in!? :-)

It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story you

made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do unto

others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your mother,

you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a natural

consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower you!

:-)

But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

more of a muscle you develop.

Good luck,

--

[Guest guest]

Theresa:

I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

wrong. " yeah, right.

I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months (6

to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview for

quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact track

for a while.

It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty low,

she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about being

resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better behavior

in!? :-)

It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story you

made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do unto

others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your mother,

you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a natural

consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower you!

:-)

But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

more of a muscle you develop.

Good luck,

--

[Guest guest]

Theresa:

I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

wrong. " yeah, right.

I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months (6

to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview for

quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact track

for a while.

It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty low,

she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about being

resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better behavior

in!? :-)

It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story you

made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do unto

others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your mother,

you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a natural

consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower you!

:-)

But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

more of a muscle you develop.

Good luck,

--

[Guest guest]

Hmmm...I see. I really sympathize with your moral dilemma.

What if your Nada had a serious contagious disease, like HIV or TB or

something? It would not be un-Christian to protect your daughter from

exposure, even if the infected person argued with you about it for

whatever reason. I think BP is just as contagious and serious, in a

different way.

I think where it becomes problematic is that in the case of BP the

illness prevents the " carrier " from understanding that they are

dangerous. Maybe in that way it's more like rabies <smirk>.

In any case, quarantine is often essential -- gotta watch out for those

festering Nada-bites.

Hugs,

--- taptyper <theresa.vidos@g...> wrote:

> That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

> I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

> wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

> child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

> family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

> a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

> abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

> not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

> Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

> my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

>

> Theresa

[Guest guest]

Hmmm...I see. I really sympathize with your moral dilemma.

What if your Nada had a serious contagious disease, like HIV or TB or

something? It would not be un-Christian to protect your daughter from

exposure, even if the infected person argued with you about it for

whatever reason. I think BP is just as contagious and serious, in a

different way.

I think where it becomes problematic is that in the case of BP the

illness prevents the " carrier " from understanding that they are

dangerous. Maybe in that way it's more like rabies <smirk>.

In any case, quarantine is often essential -- gotta watch out for those

festering Nada-bites.

Hugs,

--- taptyper <theresa.vidos@g...> wrote:

> That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

> I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

> wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

> child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

> family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

> a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

> abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

> not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

> Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

> my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

>

> Theresa

[Guest guest]

Hmmm...I see. I really sympathize with your moral dilemma.

What if your Nada had a serious contagious disease, like HIV or TB or

something? It would not be un-Christian to protect your daughter from

exposure, even if the infected person argued with you about it for

whatever reason. I think BP is just as contagious and serious, in a

different way.

I think where it becomes problematic is that in the case of BP the

illness prevents the " carrier " from understanding that they are

dangerous. Maybe in that way it's more like rabies <smirk>.

In any case, quarantine is often essential -- gotta watch out for those

festering Nada-bites.

Hugs,

--- taptyper <theresa.vidos@g...> wrote:

> That's true that no matter what I say she will blame everything on me.

> I am no longer worried about what she tells other people. I was just

> wondering what to do about the fact that I agreed with her about my

> child not having any grandparent; in essence completely cutting of a

> family member. In the Christian world, that usually is not considered

> a good thing to do. Although it is necessary in these cases where the

> abuse just continues. Still, there is that guilt that perhaps God is

> not happy about me agreeing with daughter having no grandparents.

> Then when I tell all this to daughter she says, " I don't want her as

> my grandparent, " so that does relieve me a bit.

>

> Theresa

[Guest guest]

How do you suggest I communicate to her it's not that I don't want my

granddaughter not to have grandparents thing. I ain't callin' her

up,that's for sure!

Actually, daughter said she does not want grandnada to be her grandparent.

Thanks for sharing your experience; that helps me out.

Theresa

> Theresa:

> I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

> wrong. " yeah, right.

> I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months (6

> to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview for

> quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact track

> for a while.

> It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty low,

> she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

> advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about being

> resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

> doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

> things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better behavior

> in!? :-)

> It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

> Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

> interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

> that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story you

> made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do unto

> others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your mother,

> you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a natural

> consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

> beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

> commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower you!

> :-)

> But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

> more of a muscle you develop.

>

> Good luck,

> --

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

How do you suggest I communicate to her it's not that I don't want my

granddaughter not to have grandparents thing. I ain't callin' her

up,that's for sure!

Actually, daughter said she does not want grandnada to be her grandparent.

Thanks for sharing your experience; that helps me out.

Theresa

> Theresa:

> I get that complaint a lot too. " if you'll only tell me what I'm doing

> wrong. " yeah, right.

> I found that by cutting off access to grandchildren for several months (6

> to be exact), she was as well behaved as she would be at a job interview for

> quite some time. Then she lost it, so we're back on the non-contact track

> for a while.

> It all depends on how " high-functioning " your mom is - if she's pretty low,

> she can't, but she sounds quite adept at using her behavior to her

> advantage, so I suspect she'd change. A lot of times for me it's about being

> resolute or wishy washy about whatever subject. I've found that when I'm

> doing it for my kids, I am completely uncompromising, whereas on other

> things I'm kind of ambivalent. Guess which situations I get better behavior

> in!? :-)

> It's totally hard, but it's what there is to do.

> Your daughter knows what's going on. I recommend that whatever

> interpretation you make on God being happy or not happy about something,

> that you have it be something that empowers you - otherwise it's a story you

> made up that is dis-empowering you. One of the 10 commandments is " do unto

> others as you would have them do unto you, " if you behaved like your mother,

> you would not resent her for cutting you out of her life. That's a natural

> consequence of that kind of behavior. Believe me, God does not want you

> beating up you or your daughter about this - this is following his

> commandments. (At least that's my interpretation designed to empower you!

> :-)

> But it's still hard - the good news is that the more you work at it, the

> more of a muscle you develop.

>

> Good luck,

> --

>

>

>