Guest guest Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 ................. 4 months ago, I was considering to stop > talking to her on the advice of my counseler and one night she pushed > me over the edge. I asked her to come down and go to counseling with > me and she became so enraged that she told me I'd been abusing HER > since I was a little girl. And I tried to say " 6 year olds can't > abuse their mothers!! " but she went on to say I'd hated her my whole > life (something I said a lot as a kid) and that I'd been lying to her > since I was a toddler when I hid the fact that my grandfather was > sexually abusing me. That was the breaking point for me. Those > words cut right through me and severed any fantasy I had that my > mother was capable of caring for me. To call a sexually victimized > toddler a liar? dispicable. disgusting. how do I forgiver her? *****I haven't been able to forgive my nada (not a mother). I believe that I eventually will not be triggered by her when I hear or see her. Until that time, I am working on my issues and trying to eliminate as much of the toxic thought that she put into my head. I really challenge the whole idea of forgiveness in the context of a BP parent - especially with those who will not take any responsibility for their actions, deny their actions, or try to put the blame on others. > > Today I saw a woman at the grocery store with hair like my mothers. > I miss her. She drives me crazy, hurts me more than anyone, and > doesn't even apologize and yet I miss her. Am I am masochist? ****Nope - just in that place where our feelings are all mixed up. > .............. Welcome to the group. Take care, Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 ................. 4 months ago, I was considering to stop > talking to her on the advice of my counseler and one night she pushed > me over the edge. I asked her to come down and go to counseling with > me and she became so enraged that she told me I'd been abusing HER > since I was a little girl. And I tried to say " 6 year olds can't > abuse their mothers!! " but she went on to say I'd hated her my whole > life (something I said a lot as a kid) and that I'd been lying to her > since I was a toddler when I hid the fact that my grandfather was > sexually abusing me. That was the breaking point for me. Those > words cut right through me and severed any fantasy I had that my > mother was capable of caring for me. To call a sexually victimized > toddler a liar? dispicable. disgusting. how do I forgiver her? *****I haven't been able to forgive my nada (not a mother). I believe that I eventually will not be triggered by her when I hear or see her. Until that time, I am working on my issues and trying to eliminate as much of the toxic thought that she put into my head. I really challenge the whole idea of forgiveness in the context of a BP parent - especially with those who will not take any responsibility for their actions, deny their actions, or try to put the blame on others. > > Today I saw a woman at the grocery store with hair like my mothers. > I miss her. She drives me crazy, hurts me more than anyone, and > doesn't even apologize and yet I miss her. Am I am masochist? ****Nope - just in that place where our feelings are all mixed up. > .............. Welcome to the group. Take care, Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 Nada means bpd mother, I believe. You are not a masochist, you are a loving person who naturally cares about other people even when they betray you. I am a child advocate and I have heard horror stories of things moms do to their children, but the children dont know how to turn love off, you know? We can't help it sometimes. What you wrote about your nada: she DID betray you, horribly, and to blame you and turn it around like she did is truly a tragedy. I'm glad you found us! hugs- jana __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 5, 2004 Report Share Posted November 5, 2004 can so relate to you. Today's my birthday, no call from the Nada. Part of me wants so bad for her to call, the other part is relieved not to see the # on the caller i.d. As a young teen I was molested by an older cousin. My Nada never stood up for me. She acted like I never told her. Part of me thinks I don't know it's part of the disassociating when she just can't deal with reality. It's like she's not really there and just doesn't recall events the way everyone else does. Is that an excuse? I look at her now and she looks like my mom but who is she really? And I miss her too. I can't have an angry heart and hope you don't either. We can only comfort ourselves because our Nada's won't. > > Hi, I just joined this group. I read a lot of your entries and I can > relate to a couple. ie. my mom (BP) has been out of work for almost > 4 years now and spent her retirement money on artist supplies which > she was going to use to support herself, but now she's realized that > she should go back into the computer field. So she has thousands of > dollars worth of artist stuff now and no 401K. Also, the story about > being locked in the laundry room and your mom's version sound a lot > like how my mom defends herself against criticism. > > I'm not speaking to my mom right now. I told her I needed a break > about 4 months ago now. I'm reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and > trying to find the strength to stand up to her so we can have some > kind of relationship. 4 months ago, I was considering to stop > talking to her on the advice of my counseler and one night she pushed > me over the edge. I asked her to come down and go to counseling with > me and she became so enraged that she told me I'd been abusing HER > since I was a little girl. And I tried to say " 6 year olds can't > abuse their mothers!! " but she went on to say I'd hated her my whole > life (something I said a lot as a kid) and that I'd been lying to her > since I was a toddler when I hid the fact that my grandfather was > sexually abusing me. That was the breaking point for me. Those > words cut right through me and severed any fantasy I had that my > mother was capable of caring for me. To call a sexually victimized > toddler a liar? dispicable. disgusting. how do I forgiver her? > > Today I saw a woman at the grocery store with hair like my mothers. > I miss her. She drives me crazy, hurts me more than anyone, and > doesn't even apologize and yet I miss her. Am I am masochist? > > By the way, what does " nada " mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 5, 2004 Report Share Posted November 5, 2004 can so relate to you. Today's my birthday, no call from the Nada. Part of me wants so bad for her to call, the other part is relieved not to see the # on the caller i.d. As a young teen I was molested by an older cousin. My Nada never stood up for me. She acted like I never told her. Part of me thinks I don't know it's part of the disassociating when she just can't deal with reality. It's like she's not really there and just doesn't recall events the way everyone else does. Is that an excuse? I look at her now and she looks like my mom but who is she really? And I miss her too. I can't have an angry heart and hope you don't either. We can only comfort ourselves because our Nada's won't. > > Hi, I just joined this group. I read a lot of your entries and I can > relate to a couple. ie. my mom (BP) has been out of work for almost > 4 years now and spent her retirement money on artist supplies which > she was going to use to support herself, but now she's realized that > she should go back into the computer field. So she has thousands of > dollars worth of artist stuff now and no 401K. Also, the story about > being locked in the laundry room and your mom's version sound a lot > like how my mom defends herself against criticism. > > I'm not speaking to my mom right now. I told her I needed a break > about 4 months ago now. I'm reading " Stop Walking on Eggshells " and > trying to find the strength to stand up to her so we can have some > kind of relationship. 4 months ago, I was considering to stop > talking to her on the advice of my counseler and one night she pushed > me over the edge. I asked her to come down and go to counseling with > me and she became so enraged that she told me I'd been abusing HER > since I was a little girl. And I tried to say " 6 year olds can't > abuse their mothers!! " but she went on to say I'd hated her my whole > life (something I said a lot as a kid) and that I'd been lying to her > since I was a toddler when I hid the fact that my grandfather was > sexually abusing me. That was the breaking point for me. Those > words cut right through me and severed any fantasy I had that my > mother was capable of caring for me. To call a sexually victimized > toddler a liar? dispicable. disgusting. how do I forgiver her? > > Today I saw a woman at the grocery store with hair like my mothers. > I miss her. She drives me crazy, hurts me more than anyone, and > doesn't even apologize and yet I miss her. Am I am masochist? > > By the way, what does " nada " mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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