jokes

[Guest guest]

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

Unicorn Hunter

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic."What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck."Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor."That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor. "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting."So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck."No," his friend replied."You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

Breathalyzer TestLate one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man drivingvery erratically through the streets of Dublin. Theypulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinkingthat evening. "Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and thelads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.And then there was something called "Happy Hour" andthey served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive mefriend Mike home and of course I had to go in for acouple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. ThenI stopped on the way home to get another bottle forlater..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat untilhe located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up forinspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'llneed you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzertest." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

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Be good to yourself,Liz