Wow- a bit shocked

[Guest guest]

Well I did it tonite. Tomorrow is my b-day and I vowed to myself not

to sit in paranoia or dread her phone call tomorrow on MY big day

and so I called her tonite- nada.

Of course she pulled some stuff and deflected a lot of blame and

such, but I was absolutely shocked and amazed that she admitted some

of the bp things she said were wrong and apologized. She also told

the story of my birth for the first time w/ a happy ending- meaning

she only remembers the bad parts and never has told me what she felt

and thought when she saw me for the first time- only how everyone

saw me before her and how she was so drugged out she thought she had

a puppy. I was just amazed to hear it...granted there was still a

lot of anger in the beginning of the story, but it got better and

less about her.

But the real clencher is that she has agreed, w/o too much coercion

as that solves nothing, to read books on Borderline Personality

Disorder and actually try to understand this better. Talk about an

amazing birthday gift!!!!!!! Two years ago she wanted nothing to do

w/finding out more, she was even asking me questions like why its

called 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. I told her about the whole

neurosis/physocis thing and how the psychotic part was when

borderlines rage and their hearing becomes tunnelled and the vision

is effected (forget the specific name of this trait but I use to

have this in high school around nada when she'd rage on me). She

thought everyone got like that when they were angry and she didn't

know that was within the criteria of being in a psychotic state. She

was really amazed and said she'd just resolved herself to the

therapy she's already gotten in the past as being enough. Its sad

really b/c its not enough as she's never been diagnosed and she

admitted to turning off her feelings so she doesn't have to hurt

anymore. I told her that it was impossible and that her actions of

self-preservation at all costs creates the very thing she seeks to

run from the most. She was really shocked and crying and it was

really like a lightbulb went off in her head like 'finally there's a

name' even though I told her two years ago about it. Maybe she

wasn't ready then, but I told her I just wasn't going to raise my

son anywhere near that kind of behavior and that she still exhibits

a lot of it no matter how much she professes not to have anymore

rage w/in her (which I don't agree).

We talked about a lot and she wasn't hysterical at all this time

though very defensive at first and then just really open which

floored me. Of course I prayed beforehand and we'll see how things

go in the future w/her reading the books and trying to open her eyes

to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. She seemed

genuinely glad that I've got this board as a support group and

seemed suprised that it is so common- almost like she wishes she had

something like it too but there are boards for that too- recovering

bps.

Anyway, I just had to share that bit of good news. I'm still very

suprised and shocked but naturally a bit optomistic and happy now.

It is not at all the reaction I expected, but I wasn't wanting to

feel cowardly and sickly on my birthday so I just grabbed the bull

by the horns and called her. It was so weird and I'm sure I should

say 'I'll believe it when I see it', but it wasn't at all the same

reaction I had w/her a couple of years ago when I confronted her on

these issues. It's almost like she cares or is trying to and just

doesn't haven't a clue. And I didn't even have to ask for an

apology when I confronted her w/some of the things she did and said

while she was here- like she kind of knew they were wrong and didn't

try to defend it but just said 'I'm sorry'. I really was shocked.

Anyway, that was the only gift I wanted from her and I'm really

shocked to have gotten it or at least what seems sincere interest in

my opinion...and boy can I tell when nada is throwing a bone. If she

keeps this up I may have to quit calling her nada or something. This

is so unlike my confrontations in the past. Someone needs to pinch

me!

Kerrie