Re: Wife

[Guest guest]

Dan,

Some years ago, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a

man and the more he withheld, the more I became insecure, angry and

doubted myself. He wanted me to think that I was someone who needed

too much, but the truth is that he was unable to give and be warm

and loving. Of course we fed off each other, his neglect triggered

my neediness and my neediness triggered his anger.

After some time of being unhappy and feeling unloved and

unsupported, I would get things clear in my head and tell him that I

couldn't take the neglect and abuse and then he would stonewall me

and then I began to doubt myself. I think I was uncomfortable

standing alone and lacked confidence in my own judgement. Somehow I

had convinced myself that he had all the power, and that I was the

one with all the problems and that maybe he was right and I was

unlovable, screwed up and too needy.

I eventually left him and never got involved with his type again. I

realized that warmth, affection, tenderness and sensitivity are

important to me and I have that now in my marriage.

When I read posts about your wife's responses to you, what really

strikes me is that she doesn't say: Your feelings are important to

me. YOU are important to me and I want to understand and support you.

It sounds like its more about power and being right and it seems

there is a coldness and harshness about it. I know there are two

sides to every story and I am not splitting her all bad, but in a

relationship there should be warmth, love and support.

Anyway, think about what YOU really want and need, thats all. And

know that you are not alone. Take care,

>

> I told my wife that I really needed to talk about the problem

between

> us. As I see it, she has a habit of pushing my buttons,

escalating

> when I ask her to stop, and then refusing to talk about it. My

> complete helplessness to reduce this behavior has seriously

> destabilized me. I am regaining stability in her absence.

>

> As she sees it (as best as I can tell) the only problem is that I

am

> mentally ill and too sensitive. Her only problem is that she

can't

> choose good husbands. I am her third mistake of that kind.

>

> She has been away since July and says she plans to come back in

> January. When she left, my therapist said that usually this

> indicates an intention to divorce, even if the person won't admit

> it. She denied that she had any intention of divorce but I think

the

> therapist was right.

>

> I said that I would send her a handwritten letter to try to

explain

> what I had been unsuccessful at explaining verbally. She

complained

> that she wouldn't be able to read my handwriting. I asked if it

> would be better by e-mail. She said yes. So I did.

>

> No response, it was almost a week ago. I am afraid that she would

> rather end the marriage than accept any responsibility for the

> problems between us, and work on improving them. I am feeling

> lonely, sad, and frustrated.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

> Is your wife BPD?

I really don't know. She doesn't have as clear a case of it as

Nada. I think in my wife's case it is more like fleas. In her

family the most absolute taboo was to ever talk about a problem. As

a teenager she ran wild because her parents refused to see or respond

to anything she did.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

> Is your wife BPD?

I really don't know. She doesn't have as clear a case of it as

Nada. I think in my wife's case it is more like fleas. In her

family the most absolute taboo was to ever talk about a problem. As

a teenager she ran wild because her parents refused to see or respond

to anything she did.

- Dan