Depressed/Pain/Loss/Giving up/Need Help!

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I've not posted for a while due to depression and b/c of the pain &

not being able to sit at the ctr. I had my first appt. with the SS

office last Friday to apply for disability. I thought it was rather

abusive. I guess they're all just doing their jobs. I was told that

I make too much money to be eligable. If I work just one day a

month, I'm over the limit b/c of what nurses get paid. I tried to

tell my story and how I'm crying at work, limping, stooping over b/c

of pain and losing all of these jobs. The representative would not

let me talk! I asked about any kind of public assistance and he kept

telling me that it wasn't his job to know that stuff. I left in

tears, wondering what I've done that was so wrong to have to live

like this. I must try and work for as long as I can at least limp or

crawl, which is what I'm doing now. I cry at work and if someone

would report me, I'd get fired. I'm slow too b/c of the pain. It's

only a matter of time before I'm no longer wanted at this job too.

Then, since the other dr. I saw had the office staff from H**l and

was very abusive to me over the $15 copay which I did not have, I

tried another dr. who was recommended to me. I had that appt. on

Monday and took my mother with me. I wanted her to see how I get

treated time after time. This dr. visit was the same as all the rest

and my mom almost told the dr. off....but I did that first. I didn't

really tell her off, but told her what I thought about how doctors

are afraid to prescribe pain meds b/c of being sued and b/c of the

horrible high cost of malpractice insurance in PA. She agreed with

me. She also told me that doctors don't like to get a pt. like me who

has so many problems. She was going to cut me off from the

Oxycontin. I told her " I'll go through withdrawl " ...She said, " SO. "

Reluctantly she did give me a prescription for the Oxy. She refused

to prescribe the Vicodin for me that I've taken for years for

breakthru pain. I have about 10 left and then I don't know what I'll

do. The only way I've been able to function at all is with the Oxy

and the Vicodin. She focused only on my Fibro, and refused to treat

me for the my osteoarthritis throughout all of my body, the three

herniated discs, the torn cartilage in my knee, etc... She told me

that I was incurable and that there was no hope for me, so I should

go to a psychiatrist. She said the fibro was caused by a severe

emotional trauma, which I've had a lot of. But, did the arthritis,

herniated discs, torn cartilage, etc... all come from an emotional

trauma? My mother just about told her off when this doctor told me

that there was no hope for me. In addition, my thyroid is really

bad. I showed this dr. lab results going back to November 2003 to

present for my thyroid. She said, " Your lab results are very

atypical...very abnormal...I've never seen anything like this... " But

when I asked her if she'd order more lab tests since the last ones

were drawn in Jan. 2004, she said, " I'm not going to treat you for

your thyroid now...you have to many other problems. " So now what?

Do I stop taking my thyroid meds? I know something is seriously

wrong with my thyroid and it shouldn't be let go.

Then this morning I talked to my mother and she wasn't too nice to me

again. She was angry with me for not finding a full time job yet and

told me that I need to start making some choices, regarding housing,

etc...She will no longer help me. I'm her only child for God's

sake. She's more afraid of my stepfather than she is of losing her

only child I guess.

I have no money at all. Nothing. I counted my pennies yesterday to

get some milk. I have no money for more prescriptions that I need.

I have no money for groceries. No money to put gas in my car. I

can't even pay my rent for April. I might have enough to pay the

COBRA for this month, by the skin of my teeth. Everything I have

must go toward that insurance. I must cancel the cable all together

and I won't be able to be online after March 31st b/c I can't pay the

ISP either. I'll miss all of you SO much! I come here for my sanity

and understanding, encouragement,etc... What am I going to do without

all of you?

I won't do anything stupid. I promise you all. But I am at the

point where I no longer want to live. I'm going to be in even more

pain soon b/c I won't have the Vicodin for breakthrough pain. I

can't stand the pain as it is now!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Or just a shoulder to

lean on. Would I be eligable for Section 8 housing? I dont' know

how to live homeless. I'm so scared and so depressed and need hope.

There's nothing at all to look forward to.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Always,

Kathy K.