Re: My Letter to Nada and Father Sylvia

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia,

I sent a similar letter several years ago and I think it is

important to actually send the letter if/when we are ready,

especially when we are at the point where we are sending it to give

voice to our feelings vs. trying to get validation from nada and/or

hoping that nada will miraculously realize how horrible she's been,

and beg for our forgiveness.

Of course, you know you will get split all bad and nada will

probably say you aren't talking to her due to a single incident that

you misunderstood and she will make it all about her, but that goes

without saying I suppose. The part I wasn't prepared for was how my

dad was forced to go against me if he wanted to continue living with

nada. My dad called me and really yelled at me for actually mailing

the letter (nada was probably standing there, hell, probably dialed

the phone) and I felt bad that he had to listen to nada rage on

about it. I guess I felt guilty that he had to take the hit for my

letter.

My only real comment about the letter itself is: it seems to be

addressed to your father, but the message is to/about your mother.

Almost like you are telling him to tell her how you feel.

Just a suggestion: Have you considered telling nada in a summary

form why you have ended contact and sending the letter and

addressing it to her? That way it is clear that SHE is the reason

you aren't seeing the foo and your dad isn't in the middle.

Course either way nada will distort it and make herself the victim

and split you all bad, etc, etc but I think you will feel better for

letting her know why you cannot have a relationship with her.

Good for you for standing your ground. I know it is hard and I know

it is stressful.

-- In ModOasis , " smhtrain2 " <smhtrain2@y...> wrote:

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Here is the letter I wrote to nada and my father. I am sending it

> tomorrow. (Hint, hint, if anyone thinks this is really off base,

let

> me know!). I know it is not following the suggestions from SWOE,

but

> the letter is part boundary setting and part explanation. As I

wrote

> at the end, I wanted my dad to hear this from me. I will

appreciate

> your comments. (And yes, I do know there is at least one

dig....the

> sentence that starts " No one has asked.... " But I gotta tell ya,

I

> am pretty upset that my parents and sister knew I was in a major

> depression last year, and no one did ever ask about how I was

> doing.)

>

> I was getting more and more upset, and realized that it was

because I

> was not protecting myself with my boundaries. I feel much better

> after having written the letter. Getting to the point of doing

this

> was very hard.

>

> Sylvia

>

> To My Mother and Father,

>

> I will not be joining you for Easter dinner.

>

> I had asked Mother to call me if she wanted to talk to me, and I

told

> her that I would let her know when I was ready to see her again.

> Stopping by my house on Sunday unannounced was not being

respectful

> of my request.

>

> In the future, should Mother want to talk to me, please leave me a

> message on my telephone voice mail. There is no reason to have

(my

> son) or anyone else deliver messages for her. If she would like

to

> stop by and see (my son), I have no objection to that. But since

I

> live in the same house, I request that out of consideration for my

> feelings that she will call him – she has his cell phone number –

and

> let him know that she is stopping by. That way I can decide if I

> want to remain or leave. Either way, I will have some time to get

> myself prepared.

>

> No one has asked, but the depression I was suffering from has

> diminished greatly. However, the invitation to Easter dinner has

> caused me to be very upset. You see, whenever Easter comes

around, I

> can't help but remember the last Easter I spent at your house. I

> woke up to find everyone walking out the door and going to

church.

> My mother's comments were that she was not going to kneel down in

> church and pray next to a hypocrite. The fact of the matter was,

> even though I was not doing what she wanted me to do, I was not a

> hypocrite. I was being true to my own beliefs. I have never

> regretted that decision. However, a parent that sneaks out of the

> house instead of discussing the matter with the child is not

creating

> an environment where differences can be discussed while still

> maintaining respect for the other person. I also feel that she

> created a very unhappy memory for everyone that year. I feel

sorry

> for all of us that we had to endure that.

>

> There was no reason for me to be treated that way. That was

> emotional abuse. Parents are not supposed to reject their

children,

> but my mother did that over and over again. As I explained when

we

> last spoke, one of the problems is not that Mother never said " I

love

> you " , but what she did say was " I don't love you " . I am still

trying

> to recover from this abuse.

>

> I am writing this because I have never had the opportunity to talk

to

> my Father about this. I am not sure how much of it was

communicated

> to him, and I want him to understand my feelings from my own

words.

> Dad, should you want to discuss this anymore, please let me know.

>

> Your daughter,