Re: working toward forgiveness

June 10, 2004

That is so very true. Sometimes I reply & sometimes I don't dare as I will

either break down & cry or stay awake all night feeling in such a rage & no

way to get rid of it. Most of the time its raging time. I have cried so many

tears about how she has done me, I no longer feel very much of what she has

done is worth crying about. I don't hate her, I just cannot stand her face

anymore. I can't stand her voice either. She has abused me both physically

or mentally & I got to where I let it go in one ear & out my rear. But then

she has hit my children in a way that darn near caused me to knock her on

her biscuits. Instead I chalked it up to her being crazy. She kept on

insisting that everyone has called her crazy for years & she has never been

crazy. Well I finally decided to believe her. That meant that all the

hateful things she had done in the past & all the things she was doing to my

kids were on purpose & with evil intentions. No one messes with my kids

without dealing with me. Well, since she cursed all my kids just as she did

me & I don't even do such a thing, she will never see them again. I don't

care if the Doctor did tell her that she only has a year to live. She can

just live her final days wishing that she had treated my kids well. They

busted their butts to help her, cleaned her house, ran errands for her &

stayed in the house until she drove them away. My kids were never raised

around her & so they didn't know her. I decided that she could sink or swim

in the relationship with them. She sank & it didn't her that long either.

She actually told my kids in a very threatening voice that they better not

even try to come between me & her. I was already back home (100 miles away)

before they told me what she said. I gave her holy hell about it also. To be

honest that was the nicest thing she had said to my kids while they were

there visiting. When I spoke to her I informed her that she had just came

between our relationship herself because of the way she had treated my kids.

I finally decided " What is the use of going around her any more? " She has

always hated me & its never going to change. I feel confused some days about

what I should do, be with her in her final year or not. But there is no

guarantee that she will only live a year. She has lied about this before to

get sympathy. So I wait 3 days & I am of another frame of mind & much

stronger about staying away.

Debbie

Re: working toward forgiveness

> Hi Debbie,

> The same thing happens to me too as I read this list...I

> remember things that I thought I had forgotten. But that's good

> because these things need to be dealt with.

>

> Lark

>

> > Lark,

> > You have the same problem with your mom that I have had with mine.

> I just

> > left my own house with my things & took off to unknown parts for a

> long

> > time. Mother & the kids (my siblings) had no place to go & no money

> at the

> > time. I could no longer live in the same house with her accusing me

> of

> > sleeping with hubby # 3. Yet she never left hubby number 1 for

> molesting me.

> > I don't under stand it. I had a boyfriend once that she was

> attracted to & I

> > was going to go on a date with him. I came down stairs & saw her

> touching

> > his ________ & gyrating. I was so devastated. She did it on purpose

> & she

> > intended to hurt me by doing it. It isn't so much that I really

> cared for

> > the guy, because I found out that I didn't. Perhaps it was because

> he was

> > enjoying himself at my expense also? I was more the betrayal of the

> whole

> > thing. She never loved me enough to be my mother, & now she took

> the trust

> > away that I had for her on anything else.

> > I have noticed that a lot of times I do cut people " Bad " or " Good " ,

> but I

> > base it on how much I can trust them with personal issues & the

> first time

> > they betray me, I try to never go around them again. I think its a

> bad flea

> > that I have.

> > I have bad mouthed my nephew on here. It wasn't that I hate him,

> because I

> > don't. I love the little turkey. It just he has so many things

> about him

> > that are so frustrating to live with. I know they are because of

> his fetal

> > alcohol, so that does help some. He has some BP tendencies or

> should I say

> > his behavior is just as frustrating & hard to live with as my

> mothers. He

> > has the rages, the name calling, & a few of the other symptoms of

> BP. I know

> > it is his fetal alcohol, but it is just as frustrating. Anyway,

> coping with

> > nephew & coping with mother is more than I can handle at one time.

> > Sorry this is so long. I just had to say something since you said

> this & it

> > brought back memories.

> > Debbie

> >

> > > I know that my mother has deliberately hurt me and this is

> > > something I'm working through right now. Jealousy is in her and a

> > > desire to feel better about herself by cutting me down. On

> purpose.

> > > So, I don't feel I can excuse all her actions because of BPD.

> Some

> > > of them I can, some not. Because even people who don't have BPD

> > > traits can be jealous and malicious. They just aren't very nice

> > > people.

> > >

> > > Lark

> > >

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

June 10, 2004