Guest guest Posted November 17, 2004 Report Share Posted November 17, 2004 Hi Lynden! Welcome! My situation is approximetly the same as yours. I don't have any advice to give you, i just wanted to let you now that you are not alone with this. I have a great father too, my parents are divorced and my nada(=mom, not really a mom),I and my younger brothers have not seen her in ~10 months. We never new of the disorder either. My granny lived with my FOO (=original family) for a long time and I am sure she knew about this, but did not tell us. We had the last " encounter " with her last Christmas and we did the same, tried the boundary-stuff and talked to her about getting help and it did not go well either. She told us she is not letting anyone tell her what to do or say, or how to act. The last boundary was that we can't be in contact with her if she does not respect our boundaries. I am in the middle of the mourning process,for not having a mother, and for not being able to be in contact with her, for I think she will not get help, or change her behavior, so there is not much hope of us getting together. My granny is the one in our family, who has to sneak out to see us and her grandgrandchildren, so I totally understand how difficult the situation is for your dad and you. Last time I saw my granny at a train station, I cried my eyes out when she had to leave and believe me I am not one of those people who are comfortable crying in public. She lives 5 hours away from us, so it's not easy for her to arrange these secret journeys. My kids have started to write letters to her, that way we are able to have some kind of memories of her when she writes back to them. Do you think your dad knows about the " StopWalkingOnEggshells " ? It could be helpful for him too. BM I > > > Hi, this is my first time on this site. I just finished > reading, " Walking on eggshells " and it was like reading the story of > my mother. I have two brothers and an amazing father who is so > beaten down by my mom. My dad kept my mom's problems hidden from us > for most of our young lives. There was always a lot of yelling in > our house as we grew up but I did not know there was some kind of > psychological disorder til I tried to deal with her as a young > adult. It was very hard to be close to my mother. One minute I was > the best child in the world and the next the worst. I remember one > summer when i was 13 she threw her back out really bad and was in > bed for a month. I did not go out once during this time. I did all > the laundry and made dinner for my dad and brothers and her and I > even changed her bed pan. Once she was out of bed, One week later > she she said i was useless and wouldn't even get her a glass of > water if she was dying of thirst. She has a deep hatred for all of > my fathers family with no reason. She single handley destroyed my > brothers wedding as she would not go if my dad's brother was going. > This was the first time we did not give her her way as a family. She > could not give us a reason as to why my uncle couldn't be at the > wedding and has admitted that he did not do anything at times but > then recants that or says she never said it. Anyway, we approached > her as a family to see if she would go and get help. this did not go > well. We have tried everyhting else to try and get her to get help > but nothing works. It is everyone else's fault not hers. A few times > she has come to my dad and asked what is wrong with her but this > doesb't last long and she doesn't remember doing it. As it stands > now, my brothers and I haven't seen her in 3 years. we all thought > that if we stayed away from her it might be enough to make her get > help becasue she wants her family back. My dad still lives with her > and his life is awful. he has to sneak around to see his kids > because if she found out the yelling would never stop. If anyone has > any advice it would be appreciated becasue although the book i read > gave me a sense of what is wrong with my mother it also gave me > little hope for any cahnge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2004 Report Share Posted November 17, 2004 Hi Lynden! Welcome! My situation is approximetly the same as yours. I don't have any advice to give you, i just wanted to let you now that you are not alone with this. I have a great father too, my parents are divorced and my nada(=mom, not really a mom),I and my younger brothers have not seen her in ~10 months. We never new of the disorder either. My granny lived with my FOO (=original family) for a long time and I am sure she knew about this, but did not tell us. We had the last " encounter " with her last Christmas and we did the same, tried the boundary-stuff and talked to her about getting help and it did not go well either. She told us she is not letting anyone tell her what to do or say, or how to act. The last boundary was that we can't be in contact with her if she does not respect our boundaries. I am in the middle of the mourning process,for not having a mother, and for not being able to be in contact with her, for I think she will not get help, or change her behavior, so there is not much hope of us getting together. My granny is the one in our family, who has to sneak out to see us and her grandgrandchildren, so I totally understand how difficult the situation is for your dad and you. Last time I saw my granny at a train station, I cried my eyes out when she had to leave and believe me I am not one of those people who are comfortable crying in public. She lives 5 hours away from us, so it's not easy for her to arrange these secret journeys. My kids have started to write letters to her, that way we are able to have some kind of memories of her when she writes back to them. Do you think your dad knows about the " StopWalkingOnEggshells " ? It could be helpful for him too. BM I > > > Hi, this is my first time on this site. I just finished > reading, " Walking on eggshells " and it was like reading the story of > my mother. I have two brothers and an amazing father who is so > beaten down by my mom. My dad kept my mom's problems hidden from us > for most of our young lives. There was always a lot of yelling in > our house as we grew up but I did not know there was some kind of > psychological disorder til I tried to deal with her as a young > adult. It was very hard to be close to my mother. One minute I was > the best child in the world and the next the worst. I remember one > summer when i was 13 she threw her back out really bad and was in > bed for a month. I did not go out once during this time. I did all > the laundry and made dinner for my dad and brothers and her and I > even changed her bed pan. Once she was out of bed, One week later > she she said i was useless and wouldn't even get her a glass of > water if she was dying of thirst. She has a deep hatred for all of > my fathers family with no reason. She single handley destroyed my > brothers wedding as she would not go if my dad's brother was going. > This was the first time we did not give her her way as a family. She > could not give us a reason as to why my uncle couldn't be at the > wedding and has admitted that he did not do anything at times but > then recants that or says she never said it. Anyway, we approached > her as a family to see if she would go and get help. this did not go > well. We have tried everyhting else to try and get her to get help > but nothing works. It is everyone else's fault not hers. A few times > she has come to my dad and asked what is wrong with her but this > doesb't last long and she doesn't remember doing it. As it stands > now, my brothers and I haven't seen her in 3 years. we all thought > that if we stayed away from her it might be enough to make her get > help becasue she wants her family back. My dad still lives with her > and his life is awful. he has to sneak around to see his kids > because if she found out the yelling would never stop. If anyone has > any advice it would be appreciated becasue although the book i read > gave me a sense of what is wrong with my mother it also gave me > little hope for any cahnge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2004 Report Share Posted November 17, 2004 Welcome to ModOasis. I don't have any advice for handling your mom. From what you wrote, I think you have done all the right things. You should keep on taking care of yourself. Your mother is responsible for her actions, and the results of those actions, even with BPD. It was good that your dad protected you while he could. It can be hard for a father, with the danger of leaving children with the BP mom if the dad should leave. However, now that all the kids are out of the house, it is still your dad's decision on what he does. Keep posting and reading. That is what has helped so many of us. Take care, Sylvia > > > Hi, this is my first time on this site. I just finished > reading, " Walking on eggshells " and it was like reading the story of > my mother. I have two brothers and an amazing father who is so > beaten down by my mom. My dad kept my mom's problems hidden from us > for most of our young lives. There was always a lot of yelling in > our house as we grew up but I did not know there was some kind of > psychological disorder til I tried to deal with her as a young > adult. It was very hard to be close to my mother. One minute I was > the best child in the world and the next the worst. I remember one > summer when i was 13 she threw her back out really bad and was in > bed for a month. I did not go out once during this time. I did all > the laundry and made dinner for my dad and brothers and her and I > even changed her bed pan. Once she was out of bed, One week later > she she said i was useless and wouldn't even get her a glass of > water if she was dying of thirst. She has a deep hatred for all of > my fathers family with no reason. She single handley destroyed my > brothers wedding as she would not go if my dad's brother was going. > This was the first time we did not give her her way as a family. She > could not give us a reason as to why my uncle couldn't be at the > wedding and has admitted that he did not do anything at times but > then recants that or says she never said it. Anyway, we approached > her as a family to see if she would go and get help. this did not go > well. We have tried everyhting else to try and get her to get help > but nothing works. It is everyone else's fault not hers. A few times > she has come to my dad and asked what is wrong with her but this > doesb't last long and she doesn't remember doing it. As it stands > now, my brothers and I haven't seen her in 3 years. we all thought > that if we stayed away from her it might be enough to make her get > help becasue she wants her family back. My dad still lives with her > and his life is awful. he has to sneak around to see his kids > because if she found out the yelling would never stop. If anyone has > any advice it would be appreciated becasue although the book i read > gave me a sense of what is wrong with my mother it also gave me > little hope for any cahnge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2004 Report Share Posted November 17, 2004 Welcome to ModOasis. I don't have any advice for handling your mom. From what you wrote, I think you have done all the right things. You should keep on taking care of yourself. Your mother is responsible for her actions, and the results of those actions, even with BPD. It was good that your dad protected you while he could. It can be hard for a father, with the danger of leaving children with the BP mom if the dad should leave. However, now that all the kids are out of the house, it is still your dad's decision on what he does. Keep posting and reading. That is what has helped so many of us. Take care, Sylvia > > > Hi, this is my first time on this site. I just finished > reading, " Walking on eggshells " and it was like reading the story of > my mother. I have two brothers and an amazing father who is so > beaten down by my mom. My dad kept my mom's problems hidden from us > for most of our young lives. There was always a lot of yelling in > our house as we grew up but I did not know there was some kind of > psychological disorder til I tried to deal with her as a young > adult. It was very hard to be close to my mother. One minute I was > the best child in the world and the next the worst. I remember one > summer when i was 13 she threw her back out really bad and was in > bed for a month. I did not go out once during this time. I did all > the laundry and made dinner for my dad and brothers and her and I > even changed her bed pan. Once she was out of bed, One week later > she she said i was useless and wouldn't even get her a glass of > water if she was dying of thirst. She has a deep hatred for all of > my fathers family with no reason. She single handley destroyed my > brothers wedding as she would not go if my dad's brother was going. > This was the first time we did not give her her way as a family. She > could not give us a reason as to why my uncle couldn't be at the > wedding and has admitted that he did not do anything at times but > then recants that or says she never said it. Anyway, we approached > her as a family to see if she would go and get help. this did not go > well. We have tried everyhting else to try and get her to get help > but nothing works. It is everyone else's fault not hers. A few times > she has come to my dad and asked what is wrong with her but this > doesb't last long and she doesn't remember doing it. As it stands > now, my brothers and I haven't seen her in 3 years. we all thought > that if we stayed away from her it might be enough to make her get > help becasue she wants her family back. My dad still lives with her > and his life is awful. he has to sneak around to see his kids > because if she found out the yelling would never stop. If anyone has > any advice it would be appreciated becasue although the book i read > gave me a sense of what is wrong with my mother it also gave me > little hope for any cahnge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 17, 2004 Report Share Posted November 17, 2004 Welcome! I'm new on the board too - and I don't have advice - but I can relate. My dad always tried to be a buffer between the kids and nada. They are in the process of a divorce now - which she filed for - and now doesn't want - but i hope he goes through with it - would be great for his mental health. I think you have made some good boundaries for yourself. It is so hard to still love/care for nada - but have to shut her out of your life for your own health - but you have to take of you first. Our family is going to try group therapy - I'll let you know if it works - but I have doubts! I have mixed feelings about it - but can't seem to say no - hate to close the door on that little bit of hope. I've noticed your responses don't really have the advice you asked for - sometimes there seem to be no good answers - the ones where all you want is realized - like a semi-normal relationship with a mother who does not abuse you. But the support has been very helpful for me. I read for a few days before I first posted and was amazed how supportive people are here. Hope you find your answers and do what's best for you. kath > > > Hi, this is my first time on this site. I just finished > reading, " Walking on eggshells " and it was like reading the story of > my mother. I have two brothers and an amazing father who is so > beaten down by my mom. My dad kept my mom's problems hidden from us > for most of our young lives. There was always a lot of yelling in > our house as we grew up but I did not know there was some kind of > psychological disorder til I tried to deal with her as a young > adult. It was very hard to be close to my mother. One minute I was > the best child in the world and the next the worst. I remember one > summer when i was 13 she threw her back out really bad and was in > bed for a month. I did not go out once during this time. I did all > the laundry and made dinner for my dad and brothers and her and I > even changed her bed pan. Once she was out of bed, One week later > she she said i was useless and wouldn't even get her a glass of > water if she was dying of thirst. She has a deep hatred for all of > my fathers family with no reason. She single handley destroyed my > brothers wedding as she would not go if my dad's brother was going. > This was the first time we did not give her her way as a family. She > could not give us a reason as to why my uncle couldn't be at the > wedding and has admitted that he did not do anything at times but > then recants that or says she never said it. Anyway, we approached > her as a family to see if she would go and get help. this did not go > well. We have tried everyhting else to try and get her to get help > but nothing works. It is everyone else's fault not hers. A few times > she has come to my dad and asked what is wrong with her but this > doesb't last long and she doesn't remember doing it. As it stands > now, my brothers and I haven't seen her in 3 years. we all thought > that if we stayed away from her it might be enough to make her get > help becasue she wants her family back. My dad still lives with her > and his life is awful. he has to sneak around to see his kids > because if she found out the yelling would never stop. If anyone has > any advice it would be appreciated becasue although the book i read > gave me a sense of what is wrong with my mother it also gave me > little hope for any cahnge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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