a music problem

[Guest guest]

Thanks again everyone for the support and welcomes. I'm pretty

freaked out as I write this--I've got a real problem, here. I just

got a call from nada and the famous to tell or not to tell father

(who maybe does NOT want to know, maybe you guys are right). I am

trying to become a local musician. Of course, the performances are

filled with the tremendous pain of--guess what? An abused

childhood! And even if they weren't, it would not be safe for me to

make music in earshot of nada. She would use it in her scorpion

attempt to invalidate me and make me feel smaller than small,

disgusting, incompetent, terrible in every way, etc etc. And also,

performing music is about allowing vulnerabilities to show,

allowing emotions to surface and be shared with the audience. As

you all know, these are not safe things to do in nada's company.

I've recently noticed I've had serious trouble practicing, and have

had some just terrible gigs! And when I had the bpd light bulb, I

realized it's because I'm not far enough from nada, not 'safe'

making music so close to her. (She's in driving distance from me.)

She has somehow gotten wind of this and is on a campaign to get

access to my music. Also, of course, I am getting reports from

family members that she (and my father) are worried about me, that

I'm doomed to failure and poverty as a musician. But now she is

also telling all family members that she wants to see one of my

shows. And it's getting worse. She and my father just called, and

my father was all pressuring me to be famous and rich (like he

always does), and why wasn't I big time yet, and then he starts

talking about he is going to come to one of my shows, and then NADA

in the background starts saying she is going to come. And then they

start joking about how they will put ten whole dollars in the tip

box. (Belittling my ability to succeed, etc. I'm sorry I told them

about the first few dollars I made! I am proud of them!)

I don't know that she will really come to a show; but this is

hideous. If I do succeed, nada WILL hear the music at some point,

and that makes me now unable to practice, because I don't feel safe

from her! And she is really trying to force it out of me, in front

of relatives, every time I see her, 'I've never heard Charlotte

play, when are you going to play for me', and trying to get me to

play--she knows! W*tch! This is serious. I cannot let nada keep

me from following my calling. She is trying to force me into this.

I swear, she is trying to force me to just say one day, in front of

the whole family, you can't come to my shows because you are

mentally ill and unless you get treatment I will never speak to you

again, much less let you see me play music.

I don't know what to do. I hate to just move away from her. That

is what I will have to do eventually. Fada wants to provide some

help financially, but if it comes at the price of access to nada--

well, I guess that's no help at all, is it? So do I say to him, I

will accept your help, but only if you promise not to let nada hear

the music? He might agree but if he didn't, and nada got wind . . .

Input welcome, guys . . .