Willow

[Guest guest]

I'm new to this group, and honestly, a little nervous about making

this first post, but now is a good time I suppose. My name is

Willow, and recently my therapist told me that the issues I seem to

be facing are in fact, not my own. I always knew things were a

little different growing up, my home life was never what I'd call

stable. I would always run around saying that I loved my nada and

that everything was great at home, a false lie that I'm sure everyone

else could see through. I'm an only child, and nada is a single

parent. For the first 8 years of my life we lived with my

grandparents because nada was attempting going to school, and

raising a child was too much of a challenge, besides, it was easier

for her to live her life if I wasn't clinging to her wanting her

attention. After she was out of college and had a job she thought she

enjoyed, we moved into an apartment, away from the safety of my

grandparents house.

I hate to say that's when it all started, but honestly, that's when

all the serious stuff started happening. Sure it was little things

at first, a violent outburst, unprovoked verbal attacks, random

punishments and insane chores. But the older I got, the more she was

able to do what she thought was ok for her to be doing, she was

staying out all night with people I still don't know, she was

becoming paranoid someone was going to take me away, and at one

point, she threatened and nearly attempted suicide (one of the worst

nights of my life) all because I had wanted to go over to a friend's

house for the night. By the end of that year, I had pretty much taken

over the household. I was in charge of all the cleaning, and from

time to time, did all the grocery shopping. By the time I was 10 I

was figuring out finances, making sure nada was paying bills on

time, making sure she was up and ready for work in the morning, and

so forth. All the while making sure what I was doing was perfect so

as not to rock the boat.

It went on like that for a few more years, and we moved from

apartment to apartment, trying to find a place that was, as my

nada would put it, " safe where no one would leave us and where we

wouldn't be hurt " . So finally we moved into a trailor, in a nice

park, and I thought, hey, maybe this is all going to work out. Then

we moved again, and that move took me more than 3 hours away from my

grandparents, my safety net fell away, and that's when I lost control.

My nada was dead set on saying there was something seriously wrong

with me. She bounced me around from doctor to doctor, psychologist

to psychologist, hoping to find an answer that would suit her. I

slipped into a devastating depression, and when they finally had a

diagnosis, nada set to work further destroying me. With nada's

help I became paranoid, suicidal, and went through a few different

eating disorders. The past few years have been a long ride, and I

can't say I feel like I'm a better person for it.

I found my own therapist, without nada's help or knowledge,

and " B " (my therapist) was looking through my files and nada's

files, when she came up with the impression that nada was

borderline. That was an earth shattering moment. " Could my nada

really be a borderline? " " What does borderline mean? " " What happens

now? " all questions I wasn't doing a great job of answering for

myself. So I started reading and doing a lot of extra research, and

with some gentle pressure, I got my nada to see a therapist herself,

who confirmed " B's " belief.

So that leaves me where I'm at today. I've come to see that my

issues I've been in therapy for are not completely my own. I've been

diagnosed with chronic depression, but that's something I'm learning

to work with, and have been seeing some improvements. It turns out

I'm not actually paranoid, and I'm not the one who is BP, and all

that stuff my nada did over the years, makes a lot more sense. I'm

still angry about all the things she did to me, but, I can't hold it

against her exactly, because it's part of the illness.

I'm starting to limit what all I do for nada, I don't write out

the checks for the bills anymore, I just write reminders on the

calander, I don't have to wake her up in the morning for work, I got

her using an alarm clock (finally). I don't have to pester her about

where she's going anymore, it's not my job to be the mom, I have to

tell myself " she's 39, and can do what she wants, she's an adult " .

I'm not sure where to go from here. In the next few months I'll be

moving out of nada's home, and I'm terrified about what that

will do to her. For now I'm just working on keeping things peaceful,

keeping things going.

I'm definately looking for some advice on how to calm a situation

that might be taking place, I need a way to keep her, and myself,

safe during an episode. I'm trying to learn what her triggers are,

but, there seems to be a lot of them.

Willow

[Guest guest]

Hi Willow,

Glad to have you with us on this board! Your nada has created so

much damage in your life, and I am glad to hear that you are now with

a therapist that understands her condition and can help you. Not all

therapists are this aware of BPD or how it affects the children of a

BP parent.

Discuss your concerns with your therapist, who can help you make a

plan on how to manage between now and when you leave your nada's

home. You were parentified - made to be the parent of your mother,

among other things.

Although you may not want to direct your anger at nada, your anger is

justified, and that could be the cause of your chronic depression

(something that I too suffer with). Your therapist will help you

deal with this as well.

Although this is alot to comprehend, and you have to work through

these issues, you are so much ahead in that you have found this out

early in your life (I was 58 when I learned that my nada had BPD!).

This board will also be a great resource for you.

Sylvia

> I'm new to this group, and honestly, a little nervous about making

> this first post, but now is a good time I suppose. My name is

> Willow, and recently my therapist told me that the issues I seem to

> be facing are in fact, not my own. I always knew things were a

> little different growing up, my home life was never what I'd call

> stable. I would always run around saying that I loved my nada and

> that everything was great at home, a false lie that I'm sure

everyone

> else could see through. I'm an only child, and nada is a single

> parent. For the first 8 years of my life we lived with my

> grandparents because nada was attempting going to school, and

> raising a child was too much of a challenge, besides, it was easier

> for her to live her life if I wasn't clinging to her wanting her

> attention. After she was out of college and had a job she thought

she

> enjoyed, we moved into an apartment, away from the safety of my

> grandparents house.

> I hate to say that's when it all started, but honestly, that's

when

> all the serious stuff started happening. Sure it was little things

> at first, a violent outburst, unprovoked verbal attacks, random

> punishments and insane chores. But the older I got, the more she was

> able to do what she thought was ok for her to be doing, she was

> staying out all night with people I still don't know, she was

> becoming paranoid someone was going to take me away, and at one

> point, she threatened and nearly attempted suicide (one of the worst

> nights of my life) all because I had wanted to go over to a

friend's

> house for the night. By the end of that year, I had pretty much

taken

> over the household. I was in charge of all the cleaning, and from

> time to time, did all the grocery shopping. By the time I was 10 I

> was figuring out finances, making sure nada was paying bills on

> time, making sure she was up and ready for work in the morning, and

> so forth. All the while making sure what I was doing was perfect so

> as not to rock the boat.

> It went on like that for a few more years, and we moved from

> apartment to apartment, trying to find a place that was, as my

> nada would put it, " safe where no one would leave us and where we

> wouldn't be hurt " . So finally we moved into a trailor, in a nice

> park, and I thought, hey, maybe this is all going to work out. Then

> we moved again, and that move took me more than 3 hours away from my

> grandparents, my safety net fell away, and that's when I lost

control.

> My nada was dead set on saying there was something seriously wrong

> with me. She bounced me around from doctor to doctor, psychologist

> to psychologist, hoping to find an answer that would suit her. I

> slipped into a devastating depression, and when they finally had a

> diagnosis, nada set to work further destroying me. With nada's

> help I became paranoid, suicidal, and went through a few different

> eating disorders. The past few years have been a long ride, and I

> can't say I feel like I'm a better person for it.

> I found my own therapist, without nada's help or knowledge,

> and " B " (my therapist) was looking through my files and nada's

> files, when she came up with the impression that nada was

> borderline. That was an earth shattering moment. " Could my nada

> really be a borderline? " " What does borderline mean? " " What happens

> now? " all questions I wasn't doing a great job of answering for

> myself. So I started reading and doing a lot of extra research, and

> with some gentle pressure, I got my nada to see a therapist herself,

> who confirmed " B's " belief.

> So that leaves me where I'm at today. I've come to see that my

> issues I've been in therapy for are not completely my own. I've been

> diagnosed with chronic depression, but that's something I'm learning

> to work with, and have been seeing some improvements. It turns out

> I'm not actually paranoid, and I'm not the one who is BP, and all

> that stuff my nada did over the years, makes a lot more sense. I'm

> still angry about all the things she did to me, but, I can't hold it

> against her exactly, because it's part of the illness.

> I'm starting to limit what all I do for nada, I don't write out

> the checks for the bills anymore, I just write reminders on the

> calander, I don't have to wake her up in the morning for work, I got

> her using an alarm clock (finally). I don't have to pester her about

> where she's going anymore, it's not my job to be the mom, I have to

> tell myself " she's 39, and can do what she wants, she's an adult " .

> I'm not sure where to go from here. In the next few months I'll be

> moving out of nada's home, and I'm terrified about what that

> will do to her. For now I'm just working on keeping things peaceful,

> keeping things going.

> I'm definately looking for some advice on how to calm a situation

> that might be taking place, I need a way to keep her, and myself,

> safe during an episode. I'm trying to learn what her triggers are,

> but, there seems to be a lot of them.

>

> Willow

[Guest guest]

Willow,

Gosh, WELCOME home!! You will find here a seriously supportive

family who will understand, validate, and support you as you recover

from your relationship with a BP parent. The best thing is that all

of us here are KO's - kid's of BP parents. So we know what it is

like.

Reading your post just made me so happy for you that you know that

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Of COURSE, your issues are not just yours. How

could any of us grow up to become healthy, functioning adults when

we barely had a chance to be children?

And regarding chronic depression, join the club, girl.

It sounds like you're young, and so am I. I am 25 and was wary of

becoming involved with this online support thing. But it honestly a

godsend. Because my family never took my emotions or feelings

seriously, coming here has felt like finding safety. Everyone here

GETS it - my entire painful life with this mother who is NOT a

mother. And we get you, too.