Apprehensive about havng lunch with NADA on Xmas Eve Day

December 21, 2004

Hi Everyone,

I now have a splint(cast removed today from carpel

tunnel surgery) and can type again with both hands! So

am back in action. By the way, my acupuncturist says

carpel tunnel syndrome in Chinese medicine indicates a

mother-child relationship where there is no meeting of

the hearts! Anyone else have carpel tunnel?

Anyway, I am having lunch with NADA on way to

daughter's house for Xmas. Probably unpleasant if no

one else wil be there. I am more apprehensive than

usual as I did something for my self 14 days ago which

my NADA will disapprove of--I had my face lasered to

remove the deepest wrinkles and my face has healed

slower than expected and is still bright red and

blotchy, so she will know. The last time I did

something she disapproved of(two years ago I bought a

vacation condo in the desert which I rent out for most

of the year), she lit into me for about 21 months

after--insults, dire warnings, lots of criticisms,

many comments about how I will fail etc. Now I am 57

years old and paid for everything myself, so why

shouldn't I do what is right for me?

It seems that, since BPDs see no boundaries between

themselves and their children, whatever I do (that

they disapprove of) is considered by them to be an

attack on their integrity, on their very being! Has

anyone else experienced this?

I am kinda scared of her reaction except the doctor

did find and remove some pre-cancerous lesions in the

procedure and I will highlight this. I will say " I am

sorry you feel that way! " I will change the subject.

It just seems that anything I value NADA automatically

invalidates. Any need I have she devalues. Or, God

forgive I should have a want--she tears my wants to

shreds! She makes me feel that all I do is spend money

wantonly--is this her projection? Invalidating

everything I value was my first clue that I did not

have a normal mother-daughter relationship--it pisses

me off.

I would appreciate any suggestions you all may have re

: The Lunch.

__________________________________________________

December 22, 2004

> Hi Everyone,

> I now have a splint(cast removed today from carpel

> tunnel surgery) and can type again with both hands! So

> am back in action. By the way, my acupuncturist says

> carpel tunnel syndrome in Chinese medicine indicates a

> mother-child relationship where there is no meeting of

> the hearts! Anyone else have carpel tunnel?

***I hope you are feeling much better now. I also have carpel

tunnel. It was at it worst last fall, when I experienced a very

severe depression. It is back again - I think I have a mild case of

SAD. The holiday season is difficult for me, as well as many

others. Interesting about the Chinese interpretation.

>

> Anyway, I am having lunch with NADA on way to

> daughter's house for Xmas. Probably unpleasant if no

> one else wil be there. I am more apprehensive than

> usual as I did something for my self 14 days ago which

> my NADA will disapprove of--I had my face lasered to

> remove the deepest wrinkles and my face has healed

> slower than expected and is still bright red and

> blotchy, so she will know. The last time I did

> something she disapproved of(two years ago I bought a

> vacation condo in the desert which I rent out for most

> of the year), she lit into me for about 21 months

> after--insults, dire warnings, lots of criticisms,

> many comments about how I will fail etc. Now I am 57

> years old and paid for everything myself, so why

> shouldn't I do what is right for me?

> It seems that, since BPDs see no boundaries between

> themselves and their children, whatever I do (that

> they disapprove of) is considered by them to be an

> attack on their integrity, on their very being! Has

> anyone else experienced this?

*****Yes, my nada just couldn't get the boundary thing - at any

level. But good for you in taking care of your needs in this way!!!

Too bad nada, is taking care of herself, and not letting you

control her.

> I am kinda scared of her reaction except the doctor

> did find and remove some pre-cancerous lesions in the

> procedure and I will highlight this. I will say " I am

> sorry you feel that way! " I will change the subject.

***A very good plan.

> It just seems that anything I value NADA automatically

> invalidates. Any need I have she devalues. Or, God

> forgive I should have a want--she tears my wants to

> shreds! She makes me feel that all I do is spend money

> wantonly--is this her projection? Invalidating

> everything I value was my first clue that I did not

> have a normal mother-daughter relationship--it pisses

> me off.

> I would appreciate any suggestions you all may have re

> : The Lunch.

>

****Well, my first (and a bit flippant) reaction was 'don't go'. But

I understand that you have reasons for seeing your nada, in spite of

how she affects you. If you have already set boundaries on what you

will/will not talk about, keep on reminding her of them. (They just

don't seem to believe us, do they?) Some thing I have done with

toxic, (and dense) people is cut off their criticisms by saying

something that accepts the 'reason' behind their comments while still

not agreeing with them. Example - I know this worries you, but

really, I am doing just fine, and expect to be even better when I am

completely recovered. Now, my nada is a hermit/witch, so she rarely

critizes me directly, except in witch mode. So this technique may

not be as effective with yours.

Something else you may want to try is to think of this as a

mission....focus on what your ultimate goal is for this lunch. And

think about putting up with the crap as the 'obstacle' to overcome to

get to that goal. We know we aren't going to change nada, so the

best I think we can do is decide on how we will act/react to get

through the situation with the least amount of damage to ourselves.

Here's to a very happy holiday season, with only one unpleasant meal!

Take care,

Sylvia

December 22, 2004