Re: Re: OT:Sibling Loss:Compassionate Website - Grief : To FREE

[Guest guest]

Dear FREE,

It was with great caution that I posted the address of the Sibling Loss website

on the newsgroup. But I felt I just had to do it. It has helped my partner so

much for the last several years. I was hoping that you might find some .... even

if a small amount...of comfort in visiting this website. I posted it with you in

mind specifically. While I did not have the words or know how to bring any

comfort to you in your grief, I felt I should bring the Sibling Loss website so

you could access it if you felt you wanted to do so.

I agree with you that many of the things mentioned on this website can in some

ways relate to the situations of KOs. Since I have been learning many things

from this newsgroup....one thing really stands out. We are all grieving to some

extent. Anyway...just wanted you to know I've been thinking of you...and thank

you for writing back about the Sibling Loss Website.

I didn't know if it was appropriate to post it....but knew it was a

compassionate place.

Crazy Land

FREE wrote:

Thanks for the site. I forwarded a copy to my sister (the one that

is still alive )It had some information that I thought is very

appropriate in the ModOasis also....especially since it is about

grief - and many of us are grieving many things.

One thing that struck me was the part about disenfranchised grief.

" When adults lose a sibling, they often feel abandoned by society.

The sympathy goes to their parents, but brothers and sisters are

supposed to " get over it " quickly so they can comfort the parents or

replace the lost sibling. This is one of the reasons why adult

sibling loss falls into the category of " disenfranchised grief " .

Bereaved individuals are encouraged to feel guilty for grieving too

long.

When society fails to validate the grief and sadness of

siblings, they do not receive the support necessary to heal. There

is a tendency for the bereaved to go in to hiding with their

feelings. This often results in a low-grade depression with which

bereaved siblings struggle for many years. "

I think this applies to KOs very strongly.

And it talked about how sometimes we don't grieve appropriately

because we are trying to take care of / protect someone else

(i.e....how I kept myself from some of my grieving over my family

trying to protect other family members)

A part that really stood out to me was:

" Remember that after a major loss, we may see things in black and

white for a while. "

ACK! This could explain some of my recent / current black and white

thinking!

And finally:

" Many bereaved siblings don't know about survival guilt, and don't

believe they feel it. And yet, they wonder why they seem to attract

difficult, painful situations into their lives. This kind of guilt

can be explained with simple math. You have 100 pounds of guilt on

one side of the scale and you need to get 100 pounds of punishment

on the other side to balance the scale. Only when you have done so

can you forgive yourself, and enter fully into living. Survival

guilt needs to be brought to consciousness in order to prevent it

from eroding away your life. "

Egads! When you consider the GUILT put on KOs by nada's / society -

if we do indeed need an equal amount of punishment to balance the

scales to forgive ourselves...

Or even - one step further... for each pound of guilt nada's briefly

feel before they fling it at us - THEY throw a pound of punishment

on the scales (i.e. US) so they can redeem their projected guilt

with the punishment they project onto us...

It gets downright crazy....BP style

Free

> http://www.counselingstlouis.net/page22.html

>

> It took us a long time to find this site on the web. That was in

2000 or 2001, I think. For anyone who has suffered the loss of a

sibling through death....this website may be helpful. My partner

lost her older sister at a very young age....and her brother in

1998, just before Christmas. This website has been very helpful in

helping her work through grief she has carried for many years. I

wouldn't normally post a website on a newsgroup like this, but this

one really might be helpful to someone. It is of good spirit.

>

> CL

>

>

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