Re: Wow- a bit shocked

April 26, 2004

Congratulations Kerrie! Maybe she is an example of Bps being able to

grow as they age. Happy Birthday!

Lark

> Well I did it tonite. Tomorrow is my b-day and I vowed to myself

not

> to sit in paranoia or dread her phone call tomorrow on MY big day

> and so I called her tonite- nada.

>

> Of course she pulled some stuff and deflected a lot of blame and

> such, but I was absolutely shocked and amazed that she admitted

some

> of the bp things she said were wrong and apologized. She also told

> the story of my birth for the first time w/ a happy ending- meaning

> she only remembers the bad parts and never has told me what she

felt

> and thought when she saw me for the first time- only how everyone

> saw me before her and how she was so drugged out she thought she

had

> a puppy. I was just amazed to hear it...granted there was still a

> lot of anger in the beginning of the story, but it got better and

> less about her.

>

> But the real clencher is that she has agreed, w/o too much coercion

> as that solves nothing, to read books on Borderline Personality

> Disorder and actually try to understand this better. Talk about an

> amazing birthday gift!!!!!!! Two years ago she wanted nothing to do

> w/finding out more, she was even asking me questions like why its

> called 'Borderline Personality Disorder'. I told her about the

whole

> neurosis/physocis thing and how the psychotic part was when

> borderlines rage and their hearing becomes tunnelled and the vision

> is effected (forget the specific name of this trait but I use to

> have this in high school around nada when she'd rage on me). She

> thought everyone got like that when they were angry and she didn't

> know that was within the criteria of being in a psychotic state.

She

> was really amazed and said she'd just resolved herself to the

> therapy she's already gotten in the past as being enough. Its sad

> really b/c its not enough as she's never been diagnosed and she

> admitted to turning off her feelings so she doesn't have to hurt

> anymore. I told her that it was impossible and that her actions of

> self-preservation at all costs creates the very thing she seeks to

> run from the most. She was really shocked and crying and it was

> really like a lightbulb went off in her head like 'finally there's

a

> name' even though I told her two years ago about it. Maybe she

> wasn't ready then, but I told her I just wasn't going to raise my

> son anywhere near that kind of behavior and that she still exhibits

> a lot of it no matter how much she professes not to have anymore

> rage w/in her (which I don't agree).

>

> We talked about a lot and she wasn't hysterical at all this time

> though very defensive at first and then just really open which

> floored me. Of course I prayed beforehand and we'll see how things

> go in the future w/her reading the books and trying to open her

eyes

> to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. She seemed

> genuinely glad that I've got this board as a support group and

> seemed suprised that it is so common- almost like she wishes she

had

> something like it too but there are boards for that too- recovering

> bps.

>

> Anyway, I just had to share that bit of good news. I'm still very

> suprised and shocked but naturally a bit optomistic and happy now.

> It is not at all the reaction I expected, but I wasn't wanting to

> feel cowardly and sickly on my birthday so I just grabbed the bull

> by the horns and called her. It was so weird and I'm sure I should

> say 'I'll believe it when I see it', but it wasn't at all the same

> reaction I had w/her a couple of years ago when I confronted her on

> these issues. It's almost like she cares or is trying to and just

> doesn't haven't a clue. And I didn't even have to ask for an

> apology when I confronted her w/some of the things she did and said

> while she was here- like she kind of knew they were wrong and

didn't

> try to defend it but just said 'I'm sorry'. I really was shocked.

>

> Anyway, that was the only gift I wanted from her and I'm really

> shocked to have gotten it or at least what seems sincere interest

in

> my opinion...and boy can I tell when nada is throwing a bone. If

she

> keeps this up I may have to quit calling her nada or something.

This

> is so unlike my confrontations in the past. Someone needs to pinch

> me!

> Kerrie

April 27, 2004

Wow, Kerrie, that is great! I don't think my nada will get to that

point - she is 82 and is getting worse. My brother described his

last visit to her - I always saw him as the all-good child but he saw

himself as just another all-bad child. I think Nada held him up as

an example to me, to prove to me how bad I was, while to his face she

put him down. Anyway, his visit with Nada was pretty painful.

This weekend I will be getting together with my sister and brother,

on neutral territory far from Nada and Fada. I am really looking

forward to it.

My sister tried to hoover me into visiting Nada and Fada while I am

in America. She knows better than that, but she isn't free enough to

keep from doing Nada's wishes. Nada wants me to come visit, but if I

do, it will just be a disaster like last time. She will do whatever

it takes to make it a disaster, and then blame it on me.

- Dan

April 27, 2004

Dan,

Yep, I know that song and dance as that is exactly how nada was when

she visited and that's how she was starting off last night- like it

was all my fault she was defensive while here. I cut through it

though as told the truth of this disorder, that she's acted like a

freak the last two times we've seen each other and my suspicions are

b/c she doesn't want to get to close to her only grandchild when he

lives so far away and instead just pushes us away w/her abuse so she

doesn't have to take responsibility for her abandonment issues. She

really shocked me w/saying 'perhaps'. Like I said though, I'll

believe she's sincere when she's read up on it and actually tried to

get herself better and starts therapy again w/a therapist that knows

a thing or two about bpd. The sucky part is that she got burned out

after all those years and no one mentioning the disorder. I told her

that the main books were written after our teenage years and our

therapies were over. She actually sounded like she has a little bit

more energy to pour into finally figuring out what is wrong w/her as

well as her foo. But for now, she is still not at all safe in my

mind and I told her as much and that neither dh or I wanted to

expose our son to that kind of abuse as the 'buck stops here.'

Maybe that helped too b/c she seemed suprised that I said 'I'm over

it. I'm not like you. I don't need to have a relationship w/my

mother whose mentally ill just b/c people will think the worse of me

if I don't.' I think she understood for the first time I've really

created an ocean of distance between myself and my foo that walking

away is not so difficult anymore. Furthermore, I'm really proud of

my aunt for not getting involved at all w/this last episode as she's

more aware of these issues too and so nada can't exactly hoover me

via aunt and brother and I'm just moderately close to my grandpa,

nada's dad.

I think you are in a similar scenario w/distancing yourself. It

really brings more to the bargaining table than I imagined but

likewise shows my nada that I really am quite different than her and

the way she reacted to her bp mom. We will see b/c like I think I

posted elsewhere, she's living w/her very npd boyfriend whose mother

is totally a bp too and so I think it will be very hard for her

dealing w/these bp issues. But who knows, maybe they will both come

out all the wiser for it...their choice. I just know that they

aren't allowed at our house and I won't be spending a great deal of

time around her anyway, but if she wants to get help and learn about

it finally, I'm happy for her.

Take care and I wouldn't go see your nada either as I am very

doubtful I really want to expend too much more energy in my nada's

relationship even if she does get help, which I hope she does. I

feel glad and optomistic about what she said, but 'the dye is cast'

and I just like the distance and will do my best to keep it as such

for my own sanity. I think at the end of the day we have to do what

is best for ourselves and for me, I've got my dh and son to think

about and so that comes first. Nada finally seemed to get it- that

she isn't first and my life isn't about her and her mental illness

anymore. I have a feeling it will get a bit harder before it gets

easier for her if she does DECIDE to get healthy.

Kerrie

> Wow, Kerrie, that is great! I don't think my nada will get to

that

> point - she is 82 and is getting worse. My brother described his

> last visit to her - I always saw him as the all-good child but he

saw

> himself as just another all-bad child. I think Nada held him up

as

> an example to me, to prove to me how bad I was, while to his face

she

> put him down. Anyway, his visit with Nada was pretty painful.

>

> This weekend I will be getting together with my sister and

brother,

> on neutral territory far from Nada and Fada. I am really looking

> forward to it.

>

> My sister tried to hoover me into visiting Nada and Fada while I

am

> in America. She knows better than that, but she isn't free enough

to

> keep from doing Nada's wishes. Nada wants me to come visit, but

if I

> do, it will just be a disaster like last time. She will do

whatever

> it takes to make it a disaster, and then blame it on me.

>

> - Dan

April 29, 2004

Kerrie,

Happy Birthday (a day late, I know!) What a great experience to

have. I really admire how you are handling everything with your

nada. I think you have done as much as you can to help your nada,

and now the rest will be up to her. If she is high functioning

enough, she should be very grateful to have you as a daughter.

Be kind & gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

<<<<<

> Well I did it tonite. Tomorrow is my b-day and I vowed to myself

not

> to sit in paranoia or dread her phone call tomorrow on MY big day

> and so I called her tonite- nada.

>

> Of course she pulled some stuff and deflected a lot of blame and

> such, but I was absolutely shocked and amazed that she admitted

some

> of the bp things she said were wrong and apologized. .......>

> But the real clencher is that she has agreed, w/o too much coercion

> as that solves nothing, to read books on Borderline Personality

> Disorder and actually try to understand this better. Talk about an

> amazing birthday gift!!!!!!! .........> We talked about a lot and

she wasn't hysterical at all this time

> though very defensive at first and then just really open which

> floored me. .......> Anyway, I just had to share that bit of good

news. I'm still very