Re: about Vicki - to Janie and all

[Guest guest]

wrote:

> >Have any of us been in the same situation? If yes, fine, you understand

> the situation - but you're still not her.

That is why there are so many help centres out there. The help centres

appreciate that without outside strength and correct advice, people like

Vicki would never be able to make a move, or do a single thing.

People on this list have advised the use of these help centres. Even

the police.

Because we appreciate that Vicki can't make a move on her own. That

is plainly obvious.

What Vicki needs to have a little bit of is TRUST. Trust in the very

people that aren't going through abuse and maybe never have gone through

abuse. I don't have to be a previous sufferer of anything to give what I

consider good sound advice.

If any of the advice you read seems a bit disturbing then bring that to

our attention. If it's the qualifications of the one giving it then see

if that really impacts of the soundness of the advise. I've not seen any

evidence of that.

> We don't know what physically she can do to protect herself, we don't

> know what emotionally she can do to.....

No we don't know, exactly. I agree. But the help centres can take all

of that into account on her personal level. That is there speciality.

> and I also understand that Janie was trying to give her support with

> the email I'm referring to, but I for one took it offensively.

I liked janie's post alot. How many times have you heard someone

in life, say, " I needed that! " After someone slapped them in the face so

to speak to wake them up to the facts.

When you are down it is sometimes impossible to see through that big

black cloud of self doubt, low self esteem, worthlessness... rotten

self image etc. .

Getting back to the trust issue. We have been asking Vicki to trust

us. trust in our advise. Because she is in a weakened state, rely on

us, trust us to offer good advice. But then ACT ON IT!

It's like praying and not acting in accord to your prayer. That

doesn't show you had a real desire to have your prayers answered.

Has Vicki shown any willingness to act on the advice she asked for?

She has to say I trust in your advice and I'll try an act on it.

> No one wants to be abused, taken advantage of, or taken forgranted,

> and wanted to voice my opinion incase Vicki takes it the same way.

What would you advise Vicki to do? And what would you say if she still

complains about the same thing without having done what you advised time

and time again ?

> ...without giving up what little bit of hope we've instilled in her

> with all of our emails.

I hope she bites the bullet and rings some on up she can trust to look

after her and her daughters future.

As long as she keeps on asking we will keep on giving. Over and over

again. If necessary.

But she HAS to trust us.

> > I hope nobody took offense to this,

hardly.

> Get

> those fingers moving and reply, and I'll try to explain myself even more.

From what I gathered you were saying you didn't like anyone telling

Vicki to pull her finger out right?

Well maybe in the future Vicki will act, I hope so.

Sharon.

[Guest guest]

Sharon:

The sad thing is that there are many of us here who have been in very

similar, and worse, situations than Vicki is in now and have had to

literally crawl our way out on our hands and knees to make our lives better

and the lives of our children better. It is so hard when children are

involved. But, today is not like it was in my mother's day. Wives are

children are not considered husband's property anymore. Women have equal

rights and the right to act on their fears and have the law take those fears

seriously.

What hurts the most about Vicki's last post is that she says she wants to

vent, well, venting is good but inaction after venting can be deadly. I

didn't want to post this because I didn't want to give her any ideas or

anyone else for that matter. But, the closest I ever came to taking my own

life was when I lost my daughter. Had it not been for friends, family, and

the help of others in authority situations, I would never have gotten out of

the situation I was in. I would never have had the strength to do what

needed to be done. My teenager has so many scars on the inside that I wish

with all my heart I could take away. We both have inner demons to deal with

but at least we both know that I did and she did everything we could to make

a bad situation better. Today, we are both the better for it. She is a

very happy, well-adjusted teenager with thoughts not on the past and her

sorry biological father but on the future, going to college, and having her

step-father, the only father she has ever really had be there for her. She

is so proud to have his last name now after so many years of wanting it, of

wanting to belong. Well, now she belongs. She is officially a part of our

family.

What really scares the hell out of me is that I have a friend who I have

known since we were about 11. We are now 34 and 35. On March 5th, I lost a

woman to a chronic illness who was my best friend, my aunt, my surrogate

grandmother, and on many occasions - she was like a mother to me. Her body

finally gave out and she passed on to a better place. I can live with that

even though it hurts me to my very being. My heart is still breaking and

feels shattered into a million pieces but I know in my heart that she fought

the good fight but in the end, the disease won out.

Then, on March 7th at 2:20am, I got a call from my friend who has chronic

illnesses. She had given up hope. She called me for help. She was living

in an emotionally, verbally, physically abusive marriage. Her husband was

not the biological father of any of her children but she did and still does

love him. However, with all the abuse suffered at his hand, her self-esteem

being so low, she tried to take her own life and almost succeeded. I was

able to get through to 911 emergency and they sent an ambulance to her house

and busted the front door down. She spent a few days in the ICU and had a

talk not only with a medicine doctor but also with a phsyciatrist. Now, she

is going three days a week getting help for herself. Her husband is living

with his brother. She and the children are in the family home. Once her

husband learned that she meant business, he has gone for anger counseling

and then eventually - at least I hope eventually - they will be able to go

to marriage counseling together and work this out. It won't happen

overnight. It will take time. I told her that I have two shoulders for her

to cry on when she thinks she can't go on. I will talk her into making her

mental health appointments. I will be there every step of the way no matter

what she chooses as long as she chooses life over death and puts a higher

price tag on her life and the life of being a mother to her children than a

wife to her husband.

My mother always used to say, God works in mysterious ways. He is always

listening. When a door is closed, a window opens. But... Even with all the

best of intentions, you have to meet him halfway. Well, my friend is doing

her part. She is meeting him halfway. I only hope and pray that Vicki will

meet Him or whomever her Supreme Being is halfway. Most of us know that

nothing comes easy. We have to work at whatever we want to accomplish even

if what we want to accomplish seems to be so large that we don't think we

will ever make it through. With the help of friends, the compassion and

determination in your heart, and sheer will power things can change. Vicki

has the best motivator anyone can have. She has a child. What better

reason to get her life on track and get away from this control freak of a

husband than to think of her child and her child's future. My teenager,

when she was young, kept me going when I didn't think I could take another

step; when I didn't think I could handle another day in court; when I didn't

think I could go on another day. I knew what future scars she would have if

I didn't take action to protect not only myself but to protect her most of

all.

Vicki, if you are still on the list, please know that no one here is flaming

you. No one here is trying to hurt you. We are all worried about you.

Many of us have been in your shoes or in shoes very close to what you are

walking through. Marriage is sacred and it is hard to walk away but there

comes a time when one just has to cut-bait-and-leave, if not for yourself,

then think about your daughter.

Think about this from your husband's perspective and then get angry. What

better way has he got to get out of a marriage child support and alimony

free?

1. Drive you crazy by taking your meds away.

2. Saying you are unfit but leaving out the part where he has taken your

medication away.

3. Going before a judge with you in the shape you are in, the shape he has

put you in, and having him walk off with your daughter and then leaving him

to take a chunk of your SSDI/SSI whichever you are on, and taking your

daughter, and taking your dignity along with him.

Men like him chisel away at your self-esteem, your ability to funtion, play

mind games etc... only to get what they wanted all along. They just hope

they can pull this off before you have time to gain strength to stand on

your own and say 'enough is enough and take your life back. "

We can only give you the tools you need to fight back. You have to take on

this battle alone but know that you have friends here who will be cheering

you on every step of the way. I don't want to ever hear that he has pushed

you to the point of where my best friend was at 2:20 in the morning of March

7th. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are a good person.

You are a good mother. You are a good person. You just happen to be with a

man who is not good to you.

Please think about what I have written. You have it in you to take the

steps necessary to take your life back, you just don't realize it yet.

Sincerely,

Sam

The trouble with making plans for the future, even when you can see the

future, is that fate has a way of intervening and upsetting the best laid

plans of mice and men. - Burns 1785