Obligation and helping nada

[Guest guest]

My therapist made a point when I was struggling with the FOG and

nada, that really gave me pause. I was ranting about how nada

needed me and how I felt I HAD to help her, etc. The question she

asked was:

Are you really helping your mother? Is she improving, getting

better, by your being in her life? I began to realize this was an

important point. NO, she wasn't getting better. I had convinced

myself that I was helping her, but I wasn't helping her, I was

simply enabling her to continue in her destructive and abusive

behaviors, and more importantly, I was paying a high price. I

realized it was a lose-lose scenario for both of us.

I have come to believe that the most loving thing we can do for

others is to be true to ourselves. Love is not sacrifice. Nada's

have taught us that love = sacrificing FOR THEM. THEY don't do it

for US, but that doesn't matter. Nada's world isn't rational. It is

distorted, desperate and destructive and when we enter that world

our lives become the same, depending on nada's toxicity.

When I ended contact with nada, and effectively my entire family, I

was distraught. In the beginning I would cry and feel guilty and

doubt my decision, but then clarity and strength would prevail and

enable me to stay on course. I was learning to be true to my self

and it was scary and lonely at times, but there was also a freedom

and empowerment that I couldn't deny, that rang true, and kept me

moving forward.

I knew I was doing a good thing by rejecting the abuse and refusing

to repeat the cycle of destruction that probably plagued my family

for generations. I walked away from the negativity and left it with

those still struggling with it, knowing they also had the ability to

choose peace if they wanted, BUT I couldn't make that choice for

them. I acknowledged the inner strength within myself and also

acknowledged it in nada, no longer seeing her as a helpless victim,

but realizing that she was choosing her behavior and could choose

differently.

THAT, I think is one of the greatest lessons I learned in dealing

with waif like people (and my tendency to feel responsible for

them); I recognize their inner strength and their ability to take

care of themselves, (whether they choose to or not.) I began to see

nada and others as capable human beings responsible for their own

lives. That placed my view of our relationship on an adult to adult

relationship vs. a victim and rescuer. I also saw how arrogant it

was of me to believe that I could " save " others. So, I finally saw

that my " helping " nada was only preventing her from the opportunity

to realize her capabilities. Again, whether she embraced that

opportunity or not, was her decision.

Nada was drowning and not interested in reaching for the life

preserver, but it is certain that she would have grabbed hold of me

and taken me down with her. I saved myself, knowing I couldn't save

her, knowing I wasn't truly helping her OR me by trying. So when I

walked away, I began severing the toxic connection and started the

journey of self discovery. I know it was the most loving thing I

could do for me AND her, whether she realized it or not.

So, we talk about obligation to our nada's, but imo, to have a true

and peaceful life, the obligation must be to ourselves first,

thereby giving others the opportunity to care for and discover all

that lies within them.

Peace to all,

[Guest guest]

Well put ! I'd agree my therapist commented

asked has she ever been normal to me and my

answer was no. THen I kinda relaized for mine

there is pretty much no chance unless someone

gets something serious through. As long as she

keeps suckering people in she won't learn.

Marie

--- cre8within wrote:

>

> My therapist made a point when I was struggling

> with the FOG and

> nada, that really gave me pause. I was ranting

> about how nada

> needed me and how I felt I HAD to help her,

> etc. The question she

> asked was:

> Are you really helping your mother? Is she

> improving, getting

> better, by your being in her life? I began to

> realize this was an

> important point. NO, she wasn't getting better.

> I had convinced

> myself that I was helping her, but I wasn't

> helping her, I was

> simply enabling her to continue in her

> destructive and abusive

> behaviors, and more importantly, I was paying a

> high price. I

> realized it was a lose-lose scenario for both

> of us.

>

> I have come to believe that the most loving

> thing we can do for

> others is to be true to ourselves. Love is not

> sacrifice. Nada's

> have taught us that love = sacrificing FOR

> THEM. THEY don't do it

> for US, but that doesn't matter. Nada's world

> isn't rational. It is

> distorted, desperate and destructive and when

> we enter that world

> our lives become the same, depending on nada's

> toxicity.

>

> When I ended contact with nada, and effectively

> my entire family, I

> was distraught. In the beginning I would cry

> and feel guilty and

> doubt my decision, but then clarity and

> strength would prevail and

> enable me to stay on course. I was learning to

> be true to my self

> and it was scary and lonely at times, but there

> was also a freedom

> and empowerment that I couldn't deny, that rang

> true, and kept me

> moving forward.

>

> I knew I was doing a good thing by rejecting

> the abuse and refusing

> to repeat the cycle of destruction that

> probably plagued my family

> for generations. I walked away from the

> negativity and left it with

> those still struggling with it, knowing they

> also had the ability to

> choose peace if they wanted, BUT I couldn't

> make that choice for

> them. I acknowledged the inner strength within

> myself and also

> acknowledged it in nada, no longer seeing her

> as a helpless victim,

> but realizing that she was choosing her

> behavior and could choose

> differently.

>

> THAT, I think is one of the greatest lessons I

> learned in dealing

> with waif like people (and my tendency to feel

> responsible for

> them); I recognize their inner strength and

> their ability to take

> care of themselves, (whether they choose to or

> not.) I began to see

> nada and others as capable human beings

> responsible for their own

> lives. That placed my view of our relationship

> on an adult to adult

> relationship vs. a victim and rescuer. I also

> saw how arrogant it

> was of me to believe that I could " save "

> others. So, I finally saw

> that my " helping " nada was only preventing her

> from the opportunity

> to realize her capabilities. Again, whether she

> embraced that

> opportunity or not, was her decision.

>

> Nada was drowning and not interested in

> reaching for the life

> preserver, but it is certain that she would

> have grabbed hold of me

> and taken me down with her. I saved myself,

> knowing I couldn't save

> her, knowing I wasn't truly helping her OR me

> by trying. So when I

> walked away, I began severing the toxic

> connection and started the

> journey of self discovery. I know it was the

> most loving thing I

> could do for me AND her, whether she realized

> it or not.

>

> So, we talk about obligation to our nada's, but

> imo, to have a true

> and peaceful life, the obligation must be to

> ourselves first,

> thereby giving others the opportunity to care

> for and discover all

> that lies within them.

>

> Peace to all,

>

>

>

>

=====

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Well put ! I'd agree my therapist commented

asked has she ever been normal to me and my

answer was no. THen I kinda relaized for mine

there is pretty much no chance unless someone

gets something serious through. As long as she

keeps suckering people in she won't learn.

Marie

--- cre8within wrote:

>

> My therapist made a point when I was struggling

> with the FOG and

> nada, that really gave me pause. I was ranting

> about how nada

> needed me and how I felt I HAD to help her,

> etc. The question she

> asked was:

> Are you really helping your mother? Is she

> improving, getting

> better, by your being in her life? I began to

> realize this was an

> important point. NO, she wasn't getting better.

> I had convinced

> myself that I was helping her, but I wasn't

> helping her, I was

> simply enabling her to continue in her

> destructive and abusive

> behaviors, and more importantly, I was paying a

> high price. I

> realized it was a lose-lose scenario for both

> of us.

>

> I have come to believe that the most loving

> thing we can do for

> others is to be true to ourselves. Love is not

> sacrifice. Nada's

> have taught us that love = sacrificing FOR

> THEM. THEY don't do it

> for US, but that doesn't matter. Nada's world

> isn't rational. It is

> distorted, desperate and destructive and when

> we enter that world

> our lives become the same, depending on nada's

> toxicity.

>

> When I ended contact with nada, and effectively

> my entire family, I

> was distraught. In the beginning I would cry

> and feel guilty and

> doubt my decision, but then clarity and

> strength would prevail and

> enable me to stay on course. I was learning to

> be true to my self

> and it was scary and lonely at times, but there

> was also a freedom

> and empowerment that I couldn't deny, that rang

> true, and kept me

> moving forward.

>

> I knew I was doing a good thing by rejecting

> the abuse and refusing

> to repeat the cycle of destruction that

> probably plagued my family

> for generations. I walked away from the

> negativity and left it with

> those still struggling with it, knowing they

> also had the ability to

> choose peace if they wanted, BUT I couldn't

> make that choice for

> them. I acknowledged the inner strength within

> myself and also

> acknowledged it in nada, no longer seeing her

> as a helpless victim,

> but realizing that she was choosing her

> behavior and could choose

> differently.

>

> THAT, I think is one of the greatest lessons I

> learned in dealing

> with waif like people (and my tendency to feel

> responsible for

> them); I recognize their inner strength and

> their ability to take

> care of themselves, (whether they choose to or

> not.) I began to see

> nada and others as capable human beings

> responsible for their own

> lives. That placed my view of our relationship

> on an adult to adult

> relationship vs. a victim and rescuer. I also

> saw how arrogant it

> was of me to believe that I could " save "

> others. So, I finally saw

> that my " helping " nada was only preventing her

> from the opportunity

> to realize her capabilities. Again, whether she

> embraced that

> opportunity or not, was her decision.

>

> Nada was drowning and not interested in

> reaching for the life

> preserver, but it is certain that she would

> have grabbed hold of me

> and taken me down with her. I saved myself,

> knowing I couldn't save

> her, knowing I wasn't truly helping her OR me

> by trying. So when I

> walked away, I began severing the toxic

> connection and started the

> journey of self discovery. I know it was the

> most loving thing I

> could do for me AND her, whether she realized

> it or not.

>

> So, we talk about obligation to our nada's, but

> imo, to have a true

> and peaceful life, the obligation must be to

> ourselves first,

> thereby giving others the opportunity to care

> for and discover all

> that lies within them.

>

> Peace to all,

>

>

>

>

=====

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Well put ! I'd agree my therapist commented

asked has she ever been normal to me and my

answer was no. THen I kinda relaized for mine

there is pretty much no chance unless someone

gets something serious through. As long as she

keeps suckering people in she won't learn.

Marie

--- cre8within wrote:

>

> My therapist made a point when I was struggling

> with the FOG and

> nada, that really gave me pause. I was ranting

> about how nada

> needed me and how I felt I HAD to help her,

> etc. The question she

> asked was:

> Are you really helping your mother? Is she

> improving, getting

> better, by your being in her life? I began to

> realize this was an

> important point. NO, she wasn't getting better.

> I had convinced

> myself that I was helping her, but I wasn't

> helping her, I was

> simply enabling her to continue in her

> destructive and abusive

> behaviors, and more importantly, I was paying a

> high price. I

> realized it was a lose-lose scenario for both

> of us.

>

> I have come to believe that the most loving

> thing we can do for

> others is to be true to ourselves. Love is not

> sacrifice. Nada's

> have taught us that love = sacrificing FOR

> THEM. THEY don't do it

> for US, but that doesn't matter. Nada's world

> isn't rational. It is

> distorted, desperate and destructive and when

> we enter that world

> our lives become the same, depending on nada's

> toxicity.

>

> When I ended contact with nada, and effectively

> my entire family, I

> was distraught. In the beginning I would cry

> and feel guilty and

> doubt my decision, but then clarity and

> strength would prevail and

> enable me to stay on course. I was learning to

> be true to my self

> and it was scary and lonely at times, but there

> was also a freedom

> and empowerment that I couldn't deny, that rang

> true, and kept me

> moving forward.

>

> I knew I was doing a good thing by rejecting

> the abuse and refusing

> to repeat the cycle of destruction that

> probably plagued my family

> for generations. I walked away from the

> negativity and left it with

> those still struggling with it, knowing they

> also had the ability to

> choose peace if they wanted, BUT I couldn't

> make that choice for

> them. I acknowledged the inner strength within

> myself and also

> acknowledged it in nada, no longer seeing her

> as a helpless victim,

> but realizing that she was choosing her

> behavior and could choose

> differently.

>

> THAT, I think is one of the greatest lessons I

> learned in dealing

> with waif like people (and my tendency to feel

> responsible for

> them); I recognize their inner strength and

> their ability to take

> care of themselves, (whether they choose to or

> not.) I began to see

> nada and others as capable human beings

> responsible for their own

> lives. That placed my view of our relationship

> on an adult to adult

> relationship vs. a victim and rescuer. I also

> saw how arrogant it

> was of me to believe that I could " save "

> others. So, I finally saw

> that my " helping " nada was only preventing her

> from the opportunity

> to realize her capabilities. Again, whether she

> embraced that

> opportunity or not, was her decision.

>

> Nada was drowning and not interested in

> reaching for the life

> preserver, but it is certain that she would

> have grabbed hold of me

> and taken me down with her. I saved myself,

> knowing I couldn't save

> her, knowing I wasn't truly helping her OR me

> by trying. So when I

> walked away, I began severing the toxic

> connection and started the

> journey of self discovery. I know it was the

> most loving thing I

> could do for me AND her, whether she realized

> it or not.

>

> So, we talk about obligation to our nada's, but

> imo, to have a true

> and peaceful life, the obligation must be to

> ourselves first,

> thereby giving others the opportunity to care

> for and discover all

> that lies within them.

>

> Peace to all,

>

>

>

>

=====

__________________________________________________