Guest guest Posted March 17, 2004 Report Share Posted March 17, 2004 Hi Free: I see that you like to poke a bit of humor, fun, and sometimes sarcasm into things-- but that can hurt people's feelings at times. People feel belittled, or misunderstood many times. Sometimes -- matters that are really important to other people (and matters that other people take very seriously) are best to be taken seriously by others, and not to have fun or sarcasm poked at them. In a support group, people want support whenever possible, and want to feel as if people in the group are good listeners, and that people are trying to understand them. There are certain " listening " and " responding " techniques that work best in a support group. Several books out there discuss different listening techniques, and ways to give supportive feedback. Barb T. > Are there any posts anyone LIKED???? > > Free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2004 Report Share Posted March 17, 2004 [Part of my healing has been to start giving to myself what I have been giving to others.] Thanks Free for expressing this so clearly. This is a lot to think about; enormous ideas in this. Carol {putting the twinkie back in the box} In a message dated 3/18/04 1:23:41 AM Eastern Standard Time, free_spirit_etc@... writes: Yes. That is true - I do like to poke a bit of humor and fun - and sometimes sarcasm into things. Ironic that you should bring that up - actually - as we were just discussing KO roles in the FOO - and I had just mentioned that was part of my role...something I just discovered - The Placater. Since I only figured that out yesterday - I am sure there will be some discoveries in that direction. And like many of us KO's struggling to become fully who we are - the process takes time. So in a sense - to try to tell myself to stop using humor (especially in one day) is no different than telling me to stop doing any other " wired in " KO behavior quickly. Now - if I was convinced that my humor was always a " bad " thing - and that it was, indeed, hurting many people - and making them feel belittled, or misunderstood many times - I would try to rush the process. (After all - I'm the Placater - other people's needs can often supercede my own.) If my humor is innappropriate, or makes someone feel badly - I would certainly appreciate feedback from that person in those instances. Tehir feedback could help me grow. Yet a general discussion of what people need and want in a support group, and the dangers of directed to me - gives me little to specific information as to who was hurt - what I said to hurt them - who felt belittled or misunderstood - who doesn't think I am serious enough - or who didn't like the way I listened to them. I also think humor can be very healing (so did Norman Cousins). So I think it is a leap to say there is no value in humor in a support group. Your post was a gift in disguise to me because it showed me a sure sign that I have really grown. It validated my own growth to me. Several weeks ago - your post would have devestated me. I hardly know you. I don't recall ever getting support from you... or even a kind word - And then suddenly -here is a post implying that my humor is often misguided and hurtful -that I am not giving people in the group the support they need, and that I need to buy a book to learn how to listen effectively. I knew how much I had grown today when I didn't plunge into guilt and self-doubt..when I didn't let your perception of me carry more weight than my own... when I didn't spend hours obsessing over who I hurt and how I had hurt them...when I didn't feel I was doing everything " wrong " just because somebody else said so. I didn't feel that way because I know within me that those things are not true. I use humor skillfully much more than I use it innappropriately, I know how to be serious and am often that way (sometimes too much so), I can and do listen to others in a supportive way, I care deeply about other people...and I am beginning to care deeply about myself. And I can listen like crazy - especially when I shift into Placater mode. Part of my healing has been to start giving to myself what I have been giving to others. And I am not going to feel guilty about doing that. Another step forward, Free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2004 Report Share Posted March 17, 2004 [Part of my healing has been to start giving to myself what I have been giving to others.] Thanks Free for expressing this so clearly. This is a lot to think about; enormous ideas in this. Carol {putting the twinkie back in the box} In a message dated 3/18/04 1:23:41 AM Eastern Standard Time, free_spirit_etc@... writes: Yes. That is true - I do like to poke a bit of humor and fun - and sometimes sarcasm into things. Ironic that you should bring that up - actually - as we were just discussing KO roles in the FOO - and I had just mentioned that was part of my role...something I just discovered - The Placater. Since I only figured that out yesterday - I am sure there will be some discoveries in that direction. And like many of us KO's struggling to become fully who we are - the process takes time. So in a sense - to try to tell myself to stop using humor (especially in one day) is no different than telling me to stop doing any other " wired in " KO behavior quickly. Now - if I was convinced that my humor was always a " bad " thing - and that it was, indeed, hurting many people - and making them feel belittled, or misunderstood many times - I would try to rush the process. (After all - I'm the Placater - other people's needs can often supercede my own.) If my humor is innappropriate, or makes someone feel badly - I would certainly appreciate feedback from that person in those instances. Tehir feedback could help me grow. Yet a general discussion of what people need and want in a support group, and the dangers of directed to me - gives me little to specific information as to who was hurt - what I said to hurt them - who felt belittled or misunderstood - who doesn't think I am serious enough - or who didn't like the way I listened to them. I also think humor can be very healing (so did Norman Cousins). So I think it is a leap to say there is no value in humor in a support group. Your post was a gift in disguise to me because it showed me a sure sign that I have really grown. It validated my own growth to me. Several weeks ago - your post would have devestated me. I hardly know you. I don't recall ever getting support from you... or even a kind word - And then suddenly -here is a post implying that my humor is often misguided and hurtful -that I am not giving people in the group the support they need, and that I need to buy a book to learn how to listen effectively. I knew how much I had grown today when I didn't plunge into guilt and self-doubt..when I didn't let your perception of me carry more weight than my own... when I didn't spend hours obsessing over who I hurt and how I had hurt them...when I didn't feel I was doing everything " wrong " just because somebody else said so. I didn't feel that way because I know within me that those things are not true. I use humor skillfully much more than I use it innappropriately, I know how to be serious and am often that way (sometimes too much so), I can and do listen to others in a supportive way, I care deeply about other people...and I am beginning to care deeply about myself. And I can listen like crazy - especially when I shift into Placater mode. Part of my healing has been to start giving to myself what I have been giving to others. And I am not going to feel guilty about doing that. Another step forward, Free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2004 Report Share Posted March 17, 2004 Barb, Yes. That is true - I do like to poke a bit of humor and fun - and sometimes sarcasm into things. Ironic that you should bring that up - actually - as we were just discussing KO roles in the FOO - and I had just mentioned that was part of my role...something I just discovered - The Placater. Since I only figured that out yesterday - I am sure there will be some discoveries in that direction. And like many of us KO's struggling to become fully who we are - the process takes time. So in a sense - to try to tell myself to stop using humor (especially in one day) is no different than telling me to stop doing any other " wired in " KO behavior quickly. Now - if I was convinced that my humor was always a " bad " thing - and that it was, indeed, hurting many people - and making them feel belittled, or misunderstood many times - I would try to rush the process. (After all - I'm the Placater - other people's needs can often supercede my own.) If my humor is innappropriate, or makes someone feel badly - I would certainly appreciate feedback from that person in those instances. Tehir feedback could help me grow. Yet a general discussion of what people need and want in a support group, and the dangers of directed to me - gives me little to specific information as to who was hurt - what I said to hurt them - who felt belittled or misunderstood - who doesn't think I am serious enough - or who didn't like the way I listened to them. I also think humor can be very healing (so did Norman Cousins). So I think it is a leap to say there is no value in humor in a support group. Your post was a gift in disguise to me because it showed me a sure sign that I have really grown. It validated my own growth to me. Several weeks ago - your post would have devestated me. I hardly know you. I don't recall ever getting support from you... or even a kind word - And then suddenly -here is a post implying that my humor is often misguided and hurtful -that I am not giving people in the group the support they need, and that I need to buy a book to learn how to listen effectively. I knew how much I had grown today when I didn't plunge into guilt and self-doubt..when I didn't let your perception of me carry more weight than my own... when I didn't spend hours obsessing over who I hurt and how I had hurt them...when I didn't feel I was doing everything " wrong " just because somebody else said so. I didn't feel that way because I know within me that those things are not true. I use humor skillfully much more than I use it innappropriately, I know how to be serious and am often that way (sometimes too much so), I can and do listen to others in a supportive way, I care deeply about other people...and I am beginning to care deeply about myself. And I can listen like crazy - especially when I shift into Placater mode. Part of my healing has been to start giving to myself what I have been giving to others. And I am not going to feel guilty about doing that. Another step forward, Free > > Are there any posts anyone LIKED???? > > > > Free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 17, 2004 Report Share Posted March 17, 2004 Barb, Yes. That is true - I do like to poke a bit of humor and fun - and sometimes sarcasm into things. Ironic that you should bring that up - actually - as we were just discussing KO roles in the FOO - and I had just mentioned that was part of my role...something I just discovered - The Placater. Since I only figured that out yesterday - I am sure there will be some discoveries in that direction. And like many of us KO's struggling to become fully who we are - the process takes time. So in a sense - to try to tell myself to stop using humor (especially in one day) is no different than telling me to stop doing any other " wired in " KO behavior quickly. Now - if I was convinced that my humor was always a " bad " thing - and that it was, indeed, hurting many people - and making them feel belittled, or misunderstood many times - I would try to rush the process. (After all - I'm the Placater - other people's needs can often supercede my own.) If my humor is innappropriate, or makes someone feel badly - I would certainly appreciate feedback from that person in those instances. Tehir feedback could help me grow. Yet a general discussion of what people need and want in a support group, and the dangers of directed to me - gives me little to specific information as to who was hurt - what I said to hurt them - who felt belittled or misunderstood - who doesn't think I am serious enough - or who didn't like the way I listened to them. I also think humor can be very healing (so did Norman Cousins). So I think it is a leap to say there is no value in humor in a support group. Your post was a gift in disguise to me because it showed me a sure sign that I have really grown. It validated my own growth to me. Several weeks ago - your post would have devestated me. I hardly know you. I don't recall ever getting support from you... or even a kind word - And then suddenly -here is a post implying that my humor is often misguided and hurtful -that I am not giving people in the group the support they need, and that I need to buy a book to learn how to listen effectively. I knew how much I had grown today when I didn't plunge into guilt and self-doubt..when I didn't let your perception of me carry more weight than my own... when I didn't spend hours obsessing over who I hurt and how I had hurt them...when I didn't feel I was doing everything " wrong " just because somebody else said so. I didn't feel that way because I know within me that those things are not true. I use humor skillfully much more than I use it innappropriately, I know how to be serious and am often that way (sometimes too much so), I can and do listen to others in a supportive way, I care deeply about other people...and I am beginning to care deeply about myself. And I can listen like crazy - especially when I shift into Placater mode. Part of my healing has been to start giving to myself what I have been giving to others. And I am not going to feel guilty about doing that. Another step forward, Free > > Are there any posts anyone LIKED???? > > > > Free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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