Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 Sylvia, Basically I showed her a copy of that Suriving the borderline parent and told her this is what I need for therapy. She looked at it and pretty much agreed once she saw I was working through the excercises and realizing some thing ie the trouble buying nice bigger things for myself once in awhile, stuff like that. A few times she bugged me about it and I told her sorry, this is how I can survive and what happens when she butts in, (takes over and ruins my life). Other kids have the pleasure of a normal parent once in a while, mine is never pleasent, in fact that when you look at the example in UBM where they say for the waif and the drowning scernio, a smart man offers his cane instead of jumping in, she doesn't grab the cane she goes for me. What was interesting was that we also mentioned the doctor's apopintment thing, my mother had the horrible habit of taking me out of school whenever for doctor appointments. Nada wouldn't explain to the doctor's office, my kid is in school I'm not taking her out of class to see you unless there is a study hall. She took the usual we don't do that then excuse, I am one who ok I have my day off I will see doctor's then work around that that gives them 8 hours to be there besides it's work policy everyone does that. If you don't you catch hell where I work unless you have a good excuse (father is diagnosed with cancer you need therapy asap, your husband divorces you and again you need help asap) General stuff or minor problems forget it you will catch hell. She was surpised I think cause she commented that not everyone is available then, true but I've gotten shitty service at places that wouldn't accept my boundary of I will see you when I'm on my day off. Which is very true, the offices where the receptionist attitude sucks are the offices where the doctor also sucks. Anybody else out there observe this trend with doctor's offices? I guess I worry about that being a queen style response. HOwever I really don't think so. Marie --- smhtrain2 wrote: > > Marie, > > This is great news. Is this a result of you > setting some boundaries > with the therapist? If I am remembering > correctly, you were going to > talk to the therapist about your concerns and > clarify what you were > expecting from the therapy. > > Take care, > > Sylvia > > > > Guys, > > Ahhhhhh things went well with the therapist > today > > finally got through to her that the line is > final > > and I need to recover from the damange not go > > back into danger yeah. Last time I thought > she > > was goign to do the same thing the other one > did > > and try to force me back, I would have to say > > sorry I'm leaving to find someone else. > > Marie > > > > ===== > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________ > > Do you Yahoo!? > > The all-new My Yahoo! - What will yours do? > > http://my.yahoo.com > > > > ===== __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 Sylvia, Basically I showed her a copy of that Suriving the borderline parent and told her this is what I need for therapy. She looked at it and pretty much agreed once she saw I was working through the excercises and realizing some thing ie the trouble buying nice bigger things for myself once in awhile, stuff like that. A few times she bugged me about it and I told her sorry, this is how I can survive and what happens when she butts in, (takes over and ruins my life). Other kids have the pleasure of a normal parent once in a while, mine is never pleasent, in fact that when you look at the example in UBM where they say for the waif and the drowning scernio, a smart man offers his cane instead of jumping in, she doesn't grab the cane she goes for me. What was interesting was that we also mentioned the doctor's apopintment thing, my mother had the horrible habit of taking me out of school whenever for doctor appointments. Nada wouldn't explain to the doctor's office, my kid is in school I'm not taking her out of class to see you unless there is a study hall. She took the usual we don't do that then excuse, I am one who ok I have my day off I will see doctor's then work around that that gives them 8 hours to be there besides it's work policy everyone does that. If you don't you catch hell where I work unless you have a good excuse (father is diagnosed with cancer you need therapy asap, your husband divorces you and again you need help asap) General stuff or minor problems forget it you will catch hell. She was surpised I think cause she commented that not everyone is available then, true but I've gotten shitty service at places that wouldn't accept my boundary of I will see you when I'm on my day off. Which is very true, the offices where the receptionist attitude sucks are the offices where the doctor also sucks. Anybody else out there observe this trend with doctor's offices? I guess I worry about that being a queen style response. HOwever I really don't think so. Marie --- smhtrain2 wrote: > > Marie, > > This is great news. Is this a result of you > setting some boundaries > with the therapist? If I am remembering > correctly, you were going to > talk to the therapist about your concerns and > clarify what you were > expecting from the therapy. > > Take care, > > Sylvia > > > > Guys, > > Ahhhhhh things went well with the therapist > today > > finally got through to her that the line is > final > > and I need to recover from the damange not go > > back into danger yeah. Last time I thought > she > > was goign to do the same thing the other one > did > > and try to force me back, I would have to say > > sorry I'm leaving to find someone else. > > Marie > > > > ===== > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________ > > Do you Yahoo!? > > The all-new My Yahoo! - What will yours do? > > http://my.yahoo.com > > > > ===== __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 Sylvia, Basically I showed her a copy of that Suriving the borderline parent and told her this is what I need for therapy. She looked at it and pretty much agreed once she saw I was working through the excercises and realizing some thing ie the trouble buying nice bigger things for myself once in awhile, stuff like that. A few times she bugged me about it and I told her sorry, this is how I can survive and what happens when she butts in, (takes over and ruins my life). Other kids have the pleasure of a normal parent once in a while, mine is never pleasent, in fact that when you look at the example in UBM where they say for the waif and the drowning scernio, a smart man offers his cane instead of jumping in, she doesn't grab the cane she goes for me. What was interesting was that we also mentioned the doctor's apopintment thing, my mother had the horrible habit of taking me out of school whenever for doctor appointments. Nada wouldn't explain to the doctor's office, my kid is in school I'm not taking her out of class to see you unless there is a study hall. She took the usual we don't do that then excuse, I am one who ok I have my day off I will see doctor's then work around that that gives them 8 hours to be there besides it's work policy everyone does that. If you don't you catch hell where I work unless you have a good excuse (father is diagnosed with cancer you need therapy asap, your husband divorces you and again you need help asap) General stuff or minor problems forget it you will catch hell. She was surpised I think cause she commented that not everyone is available then, true but I've gotten shitty service at places that wouldn't accept my boundary of I will see you when I'm on my day off. Which is very true, the offices where the receptionist attitude sucks are the offices where the doctor also sucks. Anybody else out there observe this trend with doctor's offices? I guess I worry about that being a queen style response. HOwever I really don't think so. Marie --- smhtrain2 wrote: > > Marie, > > This is great news. Is this a result of you > setting some boundaries > with the therapist? If I am remembering > correctly, you were going to > talk to the therapist about your concerns and > clarify what you were > expecting from the therapy. > > Take care, > > Sylvia > > > > Guys, > > Ahhhhhh things went well with the therapist > today > > finally got through to her that the line is > final > > and I need to recover from the damange not go > > back into danger yeah. Last time I thought > she > > was goign to do the same thing the other one > did > > and try to force me back, I would have to say > > sorry I'm leaving to find someone else. > > Marie > > > > ===== > > > > > > > > > > __________________________________ > > Do you Yahoo!? > > The all-new My Yahoo! - What will yours do? > > http://my.yahoo.com > > > > ===== __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 > > Good for you, Marie! Therapists aren't the only ones who don't > understand that the line is final--though why *they* wouldn't is a > mystery to me. Some of them actually think we will have regrets if > nada dies and we haven't " dealt " with her. They obviously don't > understand that leaving is the only way some of us *can* deal with > her. ****, I totally agree with this. And my therapist does too. My sister is afraid of this happening to me, but I know it won't. I am grieving now - for the mother I should have had. When nada dies, it won't be the death of my mother, I never had a mother, I was given a nada instead. Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 > > Good for you, Marie! Therapists aren't the only ones who don't > understand that the line is final--though why *they* wouldn't is a > mystery to me. Some of them actually think we will have regrets if > nada dies and we haven't " dealt " with her. They obviously don't > understand that leaving is the only way some of us *can* deal with > her. ****, I totally agree with this. And my therapist does too. My sister is afraid of this happening to me, but I know it won't. I am grieving now - for the mother I should have had. When nada dies, it won't be the death of my mother, I never had a mother, I was given a nada instead. Sylvia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 Sylvia and , You are so right! My therapist agrees with this mostly. My sis and I are grieving our mother's death right now, while she's still alive. I feel like saying to the woman in my mother's skin, " who are you and what have you done with my mother???!!! " But then, we never did have a healthy mother. How can one grieve the loss of what one never had? I guess we're grieving the realization that we never had one. -------------- Original message -------------- > > > > > > > Good for you, Marie! Therapists aren't the only ones who don't > > understand that the line is final--though why *they* wouldn't is a > > mystery to me. Some of them actually think we will have regrets if > > nada dies and we haven't " dealt " with her. They obviously don't > > understand that leaving is the only way some of us *can* deal with > > her. > > ****, I totally agree with this. And my therapist does too. > My sister is afraid of this happening to me, but I know it won't. I > am grieving now - for the mother I should have had. When nada dies, > it won't be the death of my mother, I never had a mother, I was given > a nada instead. > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2004 Report Share Posted December 2, 2004 Sylvia and , You are so right! My therapist agrees with this mostly. My sis and I are grieving our mother's death right now, while she's still alive. I feel like saying to the woman in my mother's skin, " who are you and what have you done with my mother???!!! " But then, we never did have a healthy mother. How can one grieve the loss of what one never had? I guess we're grieving the realization that we never had one. -------------- Original message -------------- > > > > > > > Good for you, Marie! Therapists aren't the only ones who don't > > understand that the line is final--though why *they* wouldn't is a > > mystery to me. Some of them actually think we will have regrets if > > nada dies and we haven't " dealt " with her. They obviously don't > > understand that leaving is the only way some of us *can* deal with > > her. > > ****, I totally agree with this. And my therapist does too. > My sister is afraid of this happening to me, but I know it won't. I > am grieving now - for the mother I should have had. When nada dies, > it won't be the death of my mother, I never had a mother, I was given > a nada instead. > > Sylvia > > > > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via > 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 3, 2004 Report Share Posted December 3, 2004 > My sister is afraid of this happening to me, but I know it won't. I > am grieving now - for the mother I should have had. When nada dies, > it won't be the death of my mother, I never had a mother, I was given > a nada instead. Sylvia, Well put. My shrink did ask me to consider how I would feel if nada died and I hadn't been in contact with her. Would I be okay? I told him I'd thought about it and I knew I would be fine. He said, okay, and we never talked about going back again. In those days if he had even *hinted* that I should make peace with her, I would have. What a disaster that would have been! I also really believe that some of our siblings are actually tied to nada *because* they fear they will have problems after she dies if they don't deal with/make peace with her now. That's the current wisdom, you know, spouted by every man-jack you meet out there. I have siblings like this and they are continually telling Al and I that we need to " just tell her " this or " just tell her " that. They imply that she and I are weak because we are unable to have any interaction with nada at all. Nevermind, that they all have substance abuse problems and are deeply depressed. Though we can see they aren't coping, they say they're fine. They even have an arrogance about them that they will be fine when nada dies and Al and I are just putting off the hard work they are doing now. It's just the opposite. Al and I both know that and I range between pity and anger toward them for it. I'm glad you found a shrink you can deal with. Nothing like an educated, sympathetic ear to help you move forward. Especially when you also have friends. Les Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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