Re: Mom has BPD

[Guest guest]

> What would be the best way to work towards getting her help and

> getting her to the place where we weren't all dreading and avoiding

> any contact with her?

I really think that the only thing we can do is to take care of our

own needs and keep her from continuing to harm us. The more we can

do this, the more she has to look at herself instead of us. I

wouldn't hold my breath while waiting for it to have an effect on

her, though.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/18/04 4:52:38 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

danc19fr@... writes:

> What would be the best way to work towards getting her help and

> getting her to the place where we weren't all dreading and avoiding

> any contact with her?

I really think that the only thing we can do is to take care of our

own needs and keep her from continuing to harm us. The more we can

do this, the more she has to look at herself instead of us. I

wouldn't hold my breath while waiting for it to have an effect on

her, though.

- Dan

I can second that Dan. Accepting responsibility for a Nada's behavior is

crazymaking...codependent...frustratingly impossible to 'control', as much as we

might wish it were possible. Carol

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 5/18/04 4:52:38 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

danc19fr@... writes:

> What would be the best way to work towards getting her help and

> getting her to the place where we weren't all dreading and avoiding

> any contact with her?

I really think that the only thing we can do is to take care of our

own needs and keep her from continuing to harm us. The more we can

do this, the more she has to look at herself instead of us. I

wouldn't hold my breath while waiting for it to have an effect on

her, though.

- Dan

I can second that Dan. Accepting responsibility for a Nada's behavior is

crazymaking...codependent...frustratingly impossible to 'control', as much as we

might wish it were possible. Carol

[Guest guest]

So no one would support the idea of telling her that she has BPD?

Bartnazor

> I really think that the only thing we can do is to take care of our

> own needs and keep her from continuing to harm us. The more we can

> do this, the more she has to look at herself instead of us. I

> wouldn't hold my breath while waiting for it to have an effect on

> her, though.

>

> - Dan

>

> I can second that Dan. Accepting responsibility for a Nada's

behavior is

> crazymaking...codependent...frustratingly impossible to 'control',

as much as we

> might wish it were possible. Carol

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> So no one would support the idea of telling her that she has BPD?

Well, I wouldn't see the harm in telling her that you think she

might do well to seek help for BPD. Just be prepared for a very

hostile reaction. Maybe you (and she) would get lucky and she would

actually think about it.

I am following my sister's advice and not talking to Nada about

this, because we are absolutely certain it would make her upset and

angry but accomplish nothing else.

- Dan

[Guest guest]

This is something that I have been struggling with also. I just

learned about BPD last fall. I told my sister (and only sibling)

immediately. Prior to this, my therapist had told me that my nada

was mentally ill, but she hadn't used the term BPD. I had also

shared this with my sis. Sister seems to be only partially accepting

these 'diagnoses'.

As a child, my most heartfelt desire was to make my mother feel

better. I understood at a very early age that there was something

wrong at the core of her being...just didn't have a clue as to what

it was. So in some ways, I knew way back when that the rages weren't

really about the people who were receiving them. (But that knowledge

did decrease the terrible effect of those rages.) Even having my

therapist talk about mental illness was not as effective as finally

stumbling onto BPD.

I did tell nada last fall that I thought she should seek help for her

problem with anger. I felt that was the closest I could come to

mentioning a problem and not have her go completely ballistic. At

the time, there was a particular rage that was the cause of our

separation, and so it was very easy for me to make the connection

between that and her 'anger'.

I had also finally told her that I could not spend any time with her

because of my emotional state - depression - and that being with her

made it worse. She had originally offered to meet with my therapist,

but soon found an excuse not to do so. She even went so far as to

say that she did not have a problem with anger!

Although I have only seen her one time since last September, I still

don't feel like I have closure on this issue (or any other one for

that matter!). I composed a letter that I am considering sending. I

would also send copies to my sister and my father. If it gets sent,

I want them all to be able to read my words for themselves....to

prevent any nada misinterpretation. On one hand, I don't expect it

to help, on the other hand, there is still that little girl who wants

to heal what is hurting her mother.

I do wonder if I have a responsibility here to speak up about what I

know.....or is this still another version of the role I played as a

child in my family. I was the one who would speak up about what

problem we were having...only to have everyone else tell me I was

wrong. The child didn't know why nada was so unhappy (and mean!). I

now know....will it give her any sense of relief to say more about

it? Will it give me any relief to say more about it? Hmmmmmmm,

pondering and wondering.......

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

>

> So no one would support the idea of telling her that she has BPD?

>

> Bartnazor

[Guest guest]

You are right. That is exactly what would be the most likely reaction

for my mom: hostility. She can surprise us though. My brothers and I

really don't expect her to ever change, but in my opinion we should

try to get her to realize she needs help.

Mom told us several years ago that she had gone to a therapist, but

she wouldnt say why. She said that the therapist told her she should

be in treatment, but of course mom rejected it and never went back. I

don't know what the therapist said she needed treatment for. I expect

much the same would happen if we even talked her into going to get

treatment. She would reject the advice of the therapist.

Bartnazor

> > So no one would support the idea of telling her that she has BPD?

>

> Well, I wouldn't see the harm in telling her that you think she

> might do well to seek help for BPD. Just be prepared for a very

> hostile reaction. Maybe you (and she) would get lucky and she would

> actually think about it.

>

> I am following my sister's advice and not talking to Nada about

> this, because we are absolutely certain it would make her upset and

> angry but accomplish nothing else.

>

> - Dan

[Guest guest]

I was always the mediator or the one who made my mom calm. I am the

youngest, and the only female. It took me until my teen years to

realize that it wasn't something we offspring were doing wrong: it was

my mother.

Now none of us live close to her. I haven't seen her for several

years, and that was only for a brother's wedding. Most recently she

offered to fly here to take me to dinner for a celebration of a goal I

reached. I had to tell her thank you, but considering what happened

last time, I have to decline. She has refused further communication

with me, but of course tells my brothers that it is I who won't

communicate with her (brothers know where the truth is found).

I have stopped my role as mediator. I stopped it years ago. Then for

years I still accepted the relationship on her terms -- I let her make

me upset, I let her come to and ruin family gatherings in my home, I

let her make me hate myself, etc.I stopped letting her set the terms

of the relationship after she stormed out of my house during a holiday

one year. She flew into a rage when I told her that if her room was

cold at night she could do three things: grab another blanket, turn up

the heat, or come to my room. She threw her fit in front of the two

doctors in the house, which was really surprising. Anyway, she

insisted on being taken to a hotel and swore she would never step foot

in my home again even if I had children. Once in her hotel, she tried

to get my brothers to abandon my home and spend the holiday with

her!(They declined, but didn't tell her she was out of line) Then she

balked when I didn't give my brother a present to take to her at her

hotel!

I found that trying to make her happy, wishing for her happiness, is

something I can't do without making myself miserable. If I am

miserable, I am not thinking straight. If I am not thinking straight,

then I am no good to myself and certainly not helping her either.

My goal is no longer to help her first. It is to help myself, and my

family (not her). She is part of my life as long as she behaves (and

she knows how! She does it for show -- for people who don't know her

yet). If she behaves well, one day, in the future, she may be allowed

to visit us while she stays in a hotel in town. More than that I

really can't imagine happening. She will not be happy. But I can. And

I will. I know that she would want me to be, if she had her head

together.

Bartnazor

> >

> > So no one would support the idea of telling her that she has BPD?

> >

> > Bartnazor

[Guest guest]

Hi Otwoma,

I think I felt guilty all my life whenever mom was unhappy. I felt

responsible for her happiness even when I knew I didn't cause her

unhappiness. FOr years I felt that anyone could be happy as long as

someone loved them. When I realized finally, with that that was not

true, over time, I stopped feeling guilty. After the guilt I was left

with pain over causing her to hurt as when I would speak up, or avoid

her. Now I don't feel much pain over that at all; I think it is a

shame, but it is beyond my control. She controls her behavior when she

wants to; she doesn't seem to have any deep sadness or guilt over the

pain she caused her kids. I feel pretty fine, although of course I am

still angry like the devil over it all!!

Bartnazor

> Dear Bartnazor,

> I too was the mediator of the family. My mother was a BP hermit

housewife and my father was a NP excutive. When I left home, they

missed my go between skills and actually blamed me for their divorce

which occured ten years after I left. Then, after a while, they both

said the divorce was the best thing they had done. It was crazy having

parents like that and I felt very guilty for saving myself. No one can

make someone else happy. Did you feel guilty getting to this ponit?

Take care.

> Otwoma

>