Guest guest Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 In a message dated 5/20/04 11:50:48 PM Eastern Daylight Time, bartnazor@... writes: Do all of you have the same situation? BPD with good, even wonderful traits? Well, ummm...there was that time that nada called a cab to take me to the Camp Fire Girls summer camp for a day. My fee was paid for the week, but my parents allowed me to go only one day. I ate roasted marshmallows for the first time in my life...that was wonderful. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 In a message dated 5/20/04 11:50:48 PM Eastern Daylight Time, bartnazor@... writes: Do all of you have the same situation? BPD with good, even wonderful traits? Well, ummm...there was that time that nada called a cab to take me to the Camp Fire Girls summer camp for a day. My fee was paid for the week, but my parents allowed me to go only one day. I ate roasted marshmallows for the first time in my life...that was wonderful. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 Yes, my nada has done some wonderful things too. I think where I am not fully understanding is 'the real' person behind your mom and my mom. I wouldn't say that just b/c they act horrible or they act super good that we have any true insight into the 'real' them. I think the real them is something that alludes even themselves and so the hope you hold onto maybe the hope that they will see the good inside themselves as worthy of making a pattern for every day behavior- that they are worth a life better than their mental illness. It seems only natural that when they are good, they are very good just b/c when they are bad, they are also exceptionally bad. IT seems everything is amplified w/a bpd. It would be better IMO if they were neither too good or too wonderful nor too bad or mean...if they could see that everyone has good and bad in them and that it is a matter of balancing and making balancing a priority in their lives that sets apart their chaos and other people's tranquility. I don't think, however, that most bpd truly understand that other people can and are genuinely secure...at peace. Otherwise, they'd need not test and test and test and test and test people's limits. They'd just believe that after a few tests, then what you see is what you get. To me, that is where I jumped ship. I got it that other people did have vastly different lives that the background I came from and I wanted a bit more of what they had. In turn, I had to turn downt he amplification process that nada had taught me. I don't live in the Wizard of Oz. Of course I've got crazy making days like most people, but on the whole, I don't believe it is healthy to live in the extremes. If nada doesn't see this, then I can't change her. I can only work on getting me healthy. But you are right in that they can do some wonderful things. If they can't or if I can't see it, then I'd be afraid myself of thinking too much like her. BUT, don't ask me to see the wonderful aspects of her persona right after she's whirlwinded through my life again and brought her havoc alongside. I can only she her shit side then and it takes a while to see her good side b/c of the whole 'validity' thing that KOs contend with. I have hope, but mainly in myself at this point b/c it is hard to rescue a drowning person. It is best to throw them a rope rather than to swim out to them and I'm learning that over and over again. It gets easier or at least for me. Kerrie > Hi all, > My mom is not all bad. She has traits that are wonderful. She has > moments that are wonderful. She has done things that most non-BPD > parents would not do that are wonderful. It is that part of my mom > that keeps me hanging on ever so slightly just hoping that that part > of her will grab the light and come through. > > I haven't seen that part of her in about 20 years. My brothers and I > still remember it; I think that is why we all hesitate at all to > just drop all contact and forget her. > > Do all of you have the same situation? BPD with good, even wonderful > traits? > > It is remembering her during those times that makes me think that > who I saw in those times is the " real " person; that the rest of her > is aberration, illness. I try to think what the " real " she would say > to me; what the " real " she would advise me in dealing with her ill > self. > > Part of me will always hold on. > > > Bartnazor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 Yes, my nada has done some wonderful things too. I think where I am not fully understanding is 'the real' person behind your mom and my mom. I wouldn't say that just b/c they act horrible or they act super good that we have any true insight into the 'real' them. I think the real them is something that alludes even themselves and so the hope you hold onto maybe the hope that they will see the good inside themselves as worthy of making a pattern for every day behavior- that they are worth a life better than their mental illness. It seems only natural that when they are good, they are very good just b/c when they are bad, they are also exceptionally bad. IT seems everything is amplified w/a bpd. It would be better IMO if they were neither too good or too wonderful nor too bad or mean...if they could see that everyone has good and bad in them and that it is a matter of balancing and making balancing a priority in their lives that sets apart their chaos and other people's tranquility. I don't think, however, that most bpd truly understand that other people can and are genuinely secure...at peace. Otherwise, they'd need not test and test and test and test and test people's limits. They'd just believe that after a few tests, then what you see is what you get. To me, that is where I jumped ship. I got it that other people did have vastly different lives that the background I came from and I wanted a bit more of what they had. In turn, I had to turn downt he amplification process that nada had taught me. I don't live in the Wizard of Oz. Of course I've got crazy making days like most people, but on the whole, I don't believe it is healthy to live in the extremes. If nada doesn't see this, then I can't change her. I can only work on getting me healthy. But you are right in that they can do some wonderful things. If they can't or if I can't see it, then I'd be afraid myself of thinking too much like her. BUT, don't ask me to see the wonderful aspects of her persona right after she's whirlwinded through my life again and brought her havoc alongside. I can only she her shit side then and it takes a while to see her good side b/c of the whole 'validity' thing that KOs contend with. I have hope, but mainly in myself at this point b/c it is hard to rescue a drowning person. It is best to throw them a rope rather than to swim out to them and I'm learning that over and over again. It gets easier or at least for me. Kerrie > Hi all, > My mom is not all bad. She has traits that are wonderful. She has > moments that are wonderful. She has done things that most non-BPD > parents would not do that are wonderful. It is that part of my mom > that keeps me hanging on ever so slightly just hoping that that part > of her will grab the light and come through. > > I haven't seen that part of her in about 20 years. My brothers and I > still remember it; I think that is why we all hesitate at all to > just drop all contact and forget her. > > Do all of you have the same situation? BPD with good, even wonderful > traits? > > It is remembering her during those times that makes me think that > who I saw in those times is the " real " person; that the rest of her > is aberration, illness. I try to think what the " real " she would say > to me; what the " real " she would advise me in dealing with her ill > self. > > Part of me will always hold on. > > > Bartnazor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 What an interesting question! Seriously, I considered posting a one word answer: NO! ;p But the reason I find this question *so* interesting is, I don't think of myself as a splitter or a black and white thinker (I've got *plenty* of fleas, but that's just not an area where I seem to have problems, and yet (!) I cannot think of any (significant) positive trait about my mother. Everything good I can say about her--and over the years I've tried HARD to see some good in her--is trivial or just sounds silly. For instance: She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever late, she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has negative associations for me.) She didn't actually kill me. (sound silly, and doesn't quite qualify as a " good trait " really) Every quality I can think of that is desirable in a mother, she had an extreme lack of it: Love for her children Kindness Listening Honesty Patience Generosity (anything we got had major strings) Stability Being the Adult etc etc etc -Kari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 20, 2004 Report Share Posted May 20, 2004 What an interesting question! Seriously, I considered posting a one word answer: NO! ;p But the reason I find this question *so* interesting is, I don't think of myself as a splitter or a black and white thinker (I've got *plenty* of fleas, but that's just not an area where I seem to have problems, and yet (!) I cannot think of any (significant) positive trait about my mother. Everything good I can say about her--and over the years I've tried HARD to see some good in her--is trivial or just sounds silly. For instance: She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever late, she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has negative associations for me.) She didn't actually kill me. (sound silly, and doesn't quite qualify as a " good trait " really) Every quality I can think of that is desirable in a mother, she had an extreme lack of it: Love for her children Kindness Listening Honesty Patience Generosity (anything we got had major strings) Stability Being the Adult etc etc etc -Kari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 In a message dated 5/21/04 2:24:22 AM Eastern Daylight Time, kari_oh_1988@... writes: (I've got *plenty* of fleas, but that's {b/w thinking} just not an area where I seem to have problems,and yet (!) I cannot think of any (significant) positive trait about my mother. Same here Keri. Maybe there just weren't any {significant traits} to admire. My nada committed occasional 'small acts of deliberate kindness' knowing that she would be rewarded. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Let me try to enumerate what I see as my nada's wonderful traits. If I think about it, they might not be often things directed at me, but rather... you will see: She stuck to her heart and married a man of color even though it was socially unacceptable and she would (and did) lose her family because of it. She didn't care what others thought when it came to racial equality. She once had a schizophrenic boyfriend when I was young. He one time raised his voice at me, and she threw him out permanently. (I always thought of this as an act for me. It may not have been.) She took me to ballet, tap, swim lessons for all my years until high school (at which point she began to punish me if I went and to punished me if I didn't go. THerefore, I quit; at least I wouldn't have to ride in a car with her for 10 miles listening to her rage.) She once drove me four or so hours to spend the week with my best friend who had moved far away. (She could have put me on a bus or just not sent me). She sent me to summer camps. She took us on vacations to Yellowstone, Glacier, Banff, etc. When I was young, she was a single mom and she would buy my clothes at the second hand store. I think that she must have worked hard to always have money to do those extra things for us without any family or friends. As I grew up, she became worse and worse. She showed fewer and fewer good traits. In fact, I think it is actually more than 20 years since I have seen any of those traits. I used to think that her worsening condition was from her fear of losing me as I was getting closer to adulthood. I think that is part of it. Now I am looking forward to having a child of my own. There is no way I would let her be alone with my child for even a second. I believe my brothers feel the same way. My mom is the same as yours on punctuality. My mom didn't kill me either, and I DO think that is a good trait (although nothing unusual or wonderful). My mom threatened to kill me and then to kill herself (with the gun she kept), butI am happy to say, she never got the chance. (I moved out soon after at the age of 16 to live on my own.) I don't know if my mom loves me; there are indications both ways. She is kind, but only abstractly towards strangers (for instance, she supports one of the poor children in Africa so the child can have schooling). She doesn't listen, she isn't generous, she isn't honest, she isn't patient. bartnazor > What an interesting question! > > Seriously, I considered posting a one word answer: NO! ;p > > But the reason I find this question *so* interesting is, I don't > think of myself as a splitter or a black and white thinker (I've got > *plenty* of fleas, but that's just not an area where I seem to have > problems, > > and yet (!) > > I cannot think of any (significant) positive trait about my mother. > > Everything good I can say about her--and over the years I've tried > HARD to see some good in her--is trivial or just sounds silly. For > instance: > > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever late, > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > negative associations for me.) > > She didn't actually kill me. (sound silly, and doesn't quite qualify > as a " good trait " really) > > Every quality I can think of that is desirable in a mother, she had > an extreme lack of it: > > Love for her children > Kindness > Listening > Honesty > Patience > Generosity (anything we got had major strings) > Stability > Being the Adult > etc etc etc > > -Kari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Most things my Nada did that were good had to do with caretaking. She should have been a nurse, she was good at helping a person to get healthy PHYSICALLY when they were sick. But... I am aware of the fact that when she was nursing me back to health -- she was playing a role -- and that is what she was best at -- playing a role. I think she felt secure that her " real " self wouldn't get invaded by me because I was so sick -- and also, as long as she had that rigid " nurse " role to play, she need not worry about revealing her " true " self. There was one time that she tried to open up to me -- I was around 16 years old -- and by that time I hated her so much I wouldn't have let her in with a 10 foot pole! She had proved too many times she couldn't be trusted! I am so sorry that happened -- I often cling to that memory-- wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things might have been better between us. But, I think she was opening up because she had no one else to talk to -- and if I would have let me in, she later would have quoted me and laughed and made fun of me -- as usual. Barb T. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Most things my Nada did that were good had to do with caretaking. She should have been a nurse, she was good at helping a person to get healthy PHYSICALLY when they were sick. But... I am aware of the fact that when she was nursing me back to health -- she was playing a role -- and that is what she was best at -- playing a role. I think she felt secure that her " real " self wouldn't get invaded by me because I was so sick -- and also, as long as she had that rigid " nurse " role to play, she need not worry about revealing her " true " self. There was one time that she tried to open up to me -- I was around 16 years old -- and by that time I hated her so much I wouldn't have let her in with a 10 foot pole! She had proved too many times she couldn't be trusted! I am so sorry that happened -- I often cling to that memory-- wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things might have been better between us. But, I think she was opening up because she had no one else to talk to -- and if I would have let me in, she later would have quoted me and laughed and made fun of me -- as usual. Barb T. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Most things my Nada did that were good had to do with caretaking. She should have been a nurse, she was good at helping a person to get healthy PHYSICALLY when they were sick. But... I am aware of the fact that when she was nursing me back to health -- she was playing a role -- and that is what she was best at -- playing a role. I think she felt secure that her " real " self wouldn't get invaded by me because I was so sick -- and also, as long as she had that rigid " nurse " role to play, she need not worry about revealing her " true " self. There was one time that she tried to open up to me -- I was around 16 years old -- and by that time I hated her so much I wouldn't have let her in with a 10 foot pole! She had proved too many times she couldn't be trusted! I am so sorry that happened -- I often cling to that memory-- wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things might have been better between us. But, I think she was opening up because she had no one else to talk to -- and if I would have let me in, she later would have quoted me and laughed and made fun of me -- as usual. Barb T. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Barb, We have talked & our mothers are very similar, so I am probably correct in agreeing with you that you could not have allowed her into your deepest parts without her tearing you apart later. You would have been much worse off if you had opened up. At least that was my experience with my own mother. If you want to know for sure, tell her something that you & your hubby knows is a bald faced lie about yourself & your spouse. Wait about 2 weeks & see how many people let you know what she has said about you. Then you will know for sure that she would have hacked your heart into a million more pieces than she has already. Love Ya, Debbie Re: Any good traits? > Most things my Nada did that were good had to do with > caretaking. She should have been a nurse, she was good > at helping a person to get healthy PHYSICALLY when they > were sick. > > But... I am aware of the fact that when she was nursing > me back to health -- she was playing a role -- and that > is what she was best at -- playing a role. I think she > felt secure that her " real " self wouldn't get invaded by > me because I was so sick -- and also, as long as she had > that rigid " nurse " role to play, she need not worry about > revealing her " true " self. > > There was one time that she tried to open up to me -- > I was around 16 years old -- and by that time I hated her > so much I wouldn't have let her in with a 10 foot pole! > She had proved too many times she couldn't be trusted! > > I am so sorry that happened -- I often cling to that memory-- > wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things might have been better > between us. But, I think she was opening up because she had no one > else to talk to -- and if I would have let me in, she later would > have quoted me and laughed and made fun of me -- as usual. > > Barb T. > > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Barb, We have talked & our mothers are very similar, so I am probably correct in agreeing with you that you could not have allowed her into your deepest parts without her tearing you apart later. You would have been much worse off if you had opened up. At least that was my experience with my own mother. If you want to know for sure, tell her something that you & your hubby knows is a bald faced lie about yourself & your spouse. Wait about 2 weeks & see how many people let you know what she has said about you. Then you will know for sure that she would have hacked your heart into a million more pieces than she has already. Love Ya, Debbie Re: Any good traits? > Most things my Nada did that were good had to do with > caretaking. She should have been a nurse, she was good > at helping a person to get healthy PHYSICALLY when they > were sick. > > But... I am aware of the fact that when she was nursing > me back to health -- she was playing a role -- and that > is what she was best at -- playing a role. I think she > felt secure that her " real " self wouldn't get invaded by > me because I was so sick -- and also, as long as she had > that rigid " nurse " role to play, she need not worry about > revealing her " true " self. > > There was one time that she tried to open up to me -- > I was around 16 years old -- and by that time I hated her > so much I wouldn't have let her in with a 10 foot pole! > She had proved too many times she couldn't be trusted! > > I am so sorry that happened -- I often cling to that memory-- > wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things might have been better > between us. But, I think she was opening up because she had no one > else to talk to -- and if I would have let me in, she later would > have quoted me and laughed and made fun of me -- as usual. > > Barb T. > > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 21, 2004 Report Share Posted May 21, 2004 Barb, We have talked & our mothers are very similar, so I am probably correct in agreeing with you that you could not have allowed her into your deepest parts without her tearing you apart later. You would have been much worse off if you had opened up. At least that was my experience with my own mother. If you want to know for sure, tell her something that you & your hubby knows is a bald faced lie about yourself & your spouse. Wait about 2 weeks & see how many people let you know what she has said about you. Then you will know for sure that she would have hacked your heart into a million more pieces than she has already. Love Ya, Debbie Re: Any good traits? > Most things my Nada did that were good had to do with > caretaking. She should have been a nurse, she was good > at helping a person to get healthy PHYSICALLY when they > were sick. > > But... I am aware of the fact that when she was nursing > me back to health -- she was playing a role -- and that > is what she was best at -- playing a role. I think she > felt secure that her " real " self wouldn't get invaded by > me because I was so sick -- and also, as long as she had > that rigid " nurse " role to play, she need not worry about > revealing her " true " self. > > There was one time that she tried to open up to me -- > I was around 16 years old -- and by that time I hated her > so much I wouldn't have let her in with a 10 foot pole! > She had proved too many times she couldn't be trusted! > > I am so sorry that happened -- I often cling to that memory-- > wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things might have been better > between us. But, I think she was opening up because she had no one > else to talk to -- and if I would have let me in, she later would > have quoted me and laughed and made fun of me -- as usual. > > Barb T. > > > > > > > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to: > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 Eeeeek!!! My mother was " punctual " too. Obsessively so. In fact, beyond punctual... EARLY!! In fact..her whole day could be ruined if she THOUGHT someone was going to be late (even if they actually WERE on time).. especially my father. When we went somewhere - even when we left " on time " we had often already put up with several hours of my mother being mad because she THOUGHT my father would be late. I used to sit there silently hoping he would be on time. Free > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever late, > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 Eeeeek!!! My mother was " punctual " too. Obsessively so. In fact, beyond punctual... EARLY!! In fact..her whole day could be ruined if she THOUGHT someone was going to be late (even if they actually WERE on time).. especially my father. When we went somewhere - even when we left " on time " we had often already put up with several hours of my mother being mad because she THOUGHT my father would be late. I used to sit there silently hoping he would be on time. Free > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever late, > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 Eeeeek!!! My mother was " punctual " too. Obsessively so. In fact, beyond punctual... EARLY!! In fact..her whole day could be ruined if she THOUGHT someone was going to be late (even if they actually WERE on time).. especially my father. When we went somewhere - even when we left " on time " we had often already put up with several hours of my mother being mad because she THOUGHT my father would be late. I used to sit there silently hoping he would be on time. Free > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever late, > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 And my nada was also 'punctual'. When we were still at home, getting ready for anything was always rage producing. My sister and I still have problems because of it. I travel alot, and sometimes just packing for trips, even though I do it so often, is a difficult event. (Still reliving all the raging.) If you were going with Nada anywhere, you better get to her house on time...she wouldn't even wait a minute over the scheduled time of departure. We used to get three families together to travel to another relative's house. The last time we did this, my sister had a crisis with one of her pets and had to get the dog to the vets. This threw off nada's schedule. Nada was at my sister's, raging, when sis got back from the vets. Her rage caused my sisters children to react by one refusing to go on the trip, putting my sister in the situation of having to stay home with him, and her other child refusing to go with the rest of the family if her mom (my sis didn't go!) Sheesh.... Everything else that happened on that trip would create a whole chapter in a book. > > > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever > late, > > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 And my nada was also 'punctual'. When we were still at home, getting ready for anything was always rage producing. My sister and I still have problems because of it. I travel alot, and sometimes just packing for trips, even though I do it so often, is a difficult event. (Still reliving all the raging.) If you were going with Nada anywhere, you better get to her house on time...she wouldn't even wait a minute over the scheduled time of departure. We used to get three families together to travel to another relative's house. The last time we did this, my sister had a crisis with one of her pets and had to get the dog to the vets. This threw off nada's schedule. Nada was at my sister's, raging, when sis got back from the vets. Her rage caused my sisters children to react by one refusing to go on the trip, putting my sister in the situation of having to stay home with him, and her other child refusing to go with the rest of the family if her mom (my sis didn't go!) Sheesh.... Everything else that happened on that trip would create a whole chapter in a book. > > > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever > late, > > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 And my nada was also 'punctual'. When we were still at home, getting ready for anything was always rage producing. My sister and I still have problems because of it. I travel alot, and sometimes just packing for trips, even though I do it so often, is a difficult event. (Still reliving all the raging.) If you were going with Nada anywhere, you better get to her house on time...she wouldn't even wait a minute over the scheduled time of departure. We used to get three families together to travel to another relative's house. The last time we did this, my sister had a crisis with one of her pets and had to get the dog to the vets. This threw off nada's schedule. Nada was at my sister's, raging, when sis got back from the vets. Her rage caused my sisters children to react by one refusing to go on the trip, putting my sister in the situation of having to stay home with him, and her other child refusing to go with the rest of the family if her mom (my sis didn't go!) Sheesh.... Everything else that happened on that trip would create a whole chapter in a book. > > > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever > late, > > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 Free, LOL That sounds SO familiar! Yes, entire days were ruined because of the worry that we MIGHT POSSIBLY be late. All day there was discussion / planning / tension / yelling / threats cuz " we might be late " picking up someone from the airport for instance!!! ALL DAY this would go on, the whole house in an uproar because of it. As a young child, these kind of things (which were essentially what I now call " really dumbaxx things " ) could make me sick with fear and worry all day. The punctuality thing, I can mostly laugh about now, though, if she starts in on it, (and it makes me kind of mischievously hope she IS late). -Kari > > > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever > late, > > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 Free, LOL That sounds SO familiar! Yes, entire days were ruined because of the worry that we MIGHT POSSIBLY be late. All day there was discussion / planning / tension / yelling / threats cuz " we might be late " picking up someone from the airport for instance!!! ALL DAY this would go on, the whole house in an uproar because of it. As a young child, these kind of things (which were essentially what I now call " really dumbaxx things " ) could make me sick with fear and worry all day. The punctuality thing, I can mostly laugh about now, though, if she starts in on it, (and it makes me kind of mischievously hope she IS late). -Kari > > > She was/is punctual. (trivial) (And, by the way, if I was ever > late, > > she did some horrible things, so that even her punctuality has > > negative associations for me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 On punctuality, my nada was just as the stories you have all given. One episode had us one minute early to her friend's house, so we drove around the block so as not to be the minute early. If we ever had to go somewhere, we always had to leave way way way in advance. There was always the screaming about lateness. Oh, here is a good one. My friend and I were visiting nada, and nada took us to the observatory one night. Nada had a few hours still to get home again and get to her night job. We were a maximum of two miles from her home. Nada had never been to the observatory and turned the wrong way on a street on the way home again. Now my friend and were not familiar with the city at all. Out of the blue my mother screamed. My friend was horrified: he thought she was having a heart attack, literally. She said we were going the wrong way on the right road. She was raging about how she was going to be fired for being late two work (start time still a few hours away) and essentially how she was never going to find her way home (simply turning around on the same road would do it, and she knew that). Bartnazor > And my nada was also 'punctual'. When we were still at home, getting > ready for anything was always rage producing. My sister and I still Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 On punctuality, my nada was just as the stories you have all given. One episode had us one minute early to her friend's house, so we drove around the block so as not to be the minute early. If we ever had to go somewhere, we always had to leave way way way in advance. There was always the screaming about lateness. Oh, here is a good one. My friend and I were visiting nada, and nada took us to the observatory one night. Nada had a few hours still to get home again and get to her night job. We were a maximum of two miles from her home. Nada had never been to the observatory and turned the wrong way on a street on the way home again. Now my friend and were not familiar with the city at all. Out of the blue my mother screamed. My friend was horrified: he thought she was having a heart attack, literally. She said we were going the wrong way on the right road. She was raging about how she was going to be fired for being late two work (start time still a few hours away) and essentially how she was never going to find her way home (simply turning around on the same road would do it, and she knew that). Bartnazor > And my nada was also 'punctual'. When we were still at home, getting > ready for anything was always rage producing. My sister and I still Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 22, 2004 Report Share Posted May 22, 2004 Hi Barb, My nada was the nurse type too. She said she had wanted to be one. > There was one time that she tried to open up to me <snip> I often >cling to that memory--wondering if *I* had let Nada in if things >might have been better between us. I think that there are so many examples of nadas baiting their offspring with indications of willingness to change. Once the nada gets the offspring to take the bait, the examples I have seen are that the nada then backs out, leaving the offspring to even feel pity for the nada who has revealed the horrible things the world has done to make her a nada. My nada never tried to open up to me that way (that I recall); if she had, and if I had refused it, I would not let myself feel guilty or second guess my refusal. In my relationship with my nada, actions must speak louder than words, because her words mean nothing. Bartnazor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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