Re: list of needs for relationship to work

[Guest guest]

Hi Kath,

Sorry about last night's session not going well. But I think you were

prepared for that, right?

I think you wrote a very good list. Don't worry about being too

negative. Who would't be negative about the things a nada has done

to them. If you are being honest and truthful, then you are doing

your best. Sometimes we try to be 'nicer', and end of sugarcoating

the reality. Then people don't really understand why we are so

upset. Also, I know it is very hard to say these negative things

about the person who is supposed to be our 'mother'.

My suggestion is to have some examples of what you want nada to start

and stop doing. Remember she is thinking like an emotional child. So

if you want her to treat you like an adult, you will probably have to

tell her what she has to do to accomplish that.

For some of the things that you want to accomplish - not let her lies

affect you, respond more appropriately, etc. How can you not let her

lies affect you? This is your 'mother', and you know she is lying.

I can see not being affected by a stranger's lies, but

your 'mother's? (This is where I see KOs having a big problem. How

can we detach enough to not be affected, but still have a

relationship? For me, I just wasn't able to do that. I can't be with

my nada, I can't let the things she does just roll off my back and

not be affected by it. I am miserable, upset,and depressed when I

spend time with her. She takes away from the quality of my life. So I

decided that since she is a toxic person in my life, I would get her

out of my life.)

Just a reminder, that it will take time and hard work to achieve

these goals. So give yourself whatever time it takes, and celebrate

all of your successes.

Be kind and gentle to yourself,

Sylvia

>

> Hi all,

>

> Had family therapy last night with sisters and dad and nada. Was

as

> bad as I expected - now trying to get ready for tonight with just

me

> and nada.

>

> Our therapist asked us what we needed to make the relationship

> different and better. I've been putting together a list - and

really

> having a hard time getting my feelings down. It's hard to

articulate

> how I need the relationship to change - because what I really want

is

> for her to change - and that isn't happening. I don't know how to

> put in words how she makes me feel and what changes it would take -

> without being negative - I would love some feedback on my list if

you

> have a chance.

>

> Thanks,

> Kath

>

>

> I need to learn to express my anger/unhappiness in a less

> confrontational – more constructive manner.

>

> I need to forgive her and move on.

>

> I need to not take to heart her lies/distortions of

events/forgetting

> of things said. I need to not let her lies touch me.

>

> I need to let remarks that push my buttons not make me react – but

to

> let them roll off my back and respond in a more appropriate manner.

>

> I need to set boundaries so that I feel good about myself and our

> relationship.

>

> I need for us not to talk about dad or her marital problems.

>

> I need to be treated like an adult.

>

> I need to not fall into the child role when we are disagreeing.

>

> I need her to acknowledge responsibility for her actions and

decision

> in life.

>

> I need her to understand what I think is appropriate behavior for

my

> daughter – whether she agrees or not is not important – just

> understand.

>

> I need reassurance that she will not act in what I think is an

> inappropriate manner with my daughter.

>

> I need to find a way to trust her if she says that she will respect

> my wishes about what is appropriate.

>

> I need her to respect my boundaries.

>

> I need her to discuss her problems with me – not my husband.

>

> I need her to understand that decisions in my life are about my

needs

> and my family's needs. I am not doing things to her – but for me.

>

> I need her to understand that I love her even if I don't agree with

> her. I can disagree/have my own opinions, set boundaries without

it

> meaning that I love her less.

[Guest guest]

Hi Kath,

This would be a mother. I think your list is great! I think it's

great she even goes to therapy with you:

>

> It's hard to articulate

> how I need the relationship to change - because what I really want

is

> for her to change - and that isn't happening. I don't know how to

> put in words how she makes me feel and what changes it would take -

> without being negative - I would love some feedback on my list if

you

> have a chance.

>

> Thanks,

> Kath

> I need to learn to express my anger/unhappiness in a less

> confrontational – more constructive manner.

>

> I need to forgive her and move on.

>

> I need to not take to heart her lies/distortions of

events/forgetting

> of things said. I need to not let her lies touch me.

>

> I need to let remarks that push my buttons not make me react – but

to

> let them roll off my back and respond in a more appropriate manner.

>

> I need to set boundaries so that I feel good about myself and our

> relationship.

>

> I need for us not to talk about dad or her marital problems.

>

> I need to be treated like an adult.

>

> I need to not fall into the child role when we are disagreeing.

>

===============

Most of the above items are areas where you have some control so if

you're working on them at least from your end there'll be

improvements.

The following items are asking a lot of a NADA. I think it's great

she's going to the therapy with you, maybe she can really do some of

these things but if she can't what are your expectations for the

realtionship? Are you going to go over these with the therapist

before giving them to her? Just one of these items may be very hard

for her to address, all of them may be overwhelming. Can you envision

any sort of contact with her if she is unable to do these things?

Just speaking from experience with my Nada, I know she'll never take

responsibility for her actions and yet I'd still like there to be

some contact so maybe boundary issues are more important because of

grandchildren. I guess I'm saying what are the absolute most

important things at a minimum you need from her to have contact?

Just a suggestion, I would start with these first.

> I need her to acknowledge responsibility for her actions and

decision

> in life.

>

> I need her to understand what I think is appropriate behavior for

my

> daughter – whether she agrees or not is not important – just

> understand.

>

> I need reassurance that she will not act in what I think is an

> inappropriate manner with my daughter.

>

> I need to find a way to trust her if she says that she will respect

> my wishes about what is appropriate.

>

> I need her to respect my boundaries.

>

> I need her to discuss her problems with me – not my husband.

>

> I need her to understand that decisions in my life are about my

needs

> and my family's needs. I am not doing things to her – but for me.

>

> I need her to understand that I love her even if I don't agree with

> her. I can disagree/have my own opinions, set boundaries without

it

> meaning that I love her less.

=======================

Good luck! I think this list is great.

cntbreathe

[Guest guest]

Dear Sylvia,

(This is where I see KOs having a big problem. How

> can we detach enough to not be affected, but still have a

> relationship? For me, I just wasn't able to do that. I can't be with

> my nada, I can't let the things she does just roll off my back and

> not be affected by it. I am miserable, upset,and depressed when I

> spend time with her. She takes away from the quality of my life. So I

> decided that since she is a toxic person in my life, I would get her

> out of my life.)

I so agree. I had to do the same thing, which made me feel really

weak. Some of the members of my FOO also take that view of me. It's

confusing and hurtful, but I don't feel weak anymore. It's not easy

to say good-bye forever to one's mother, no matter how much of a nada

she is. Part of you hangs on to the moments when you felt safe and

loved, however, seldom they occurred.

Les