Re: NADA's first grandchild

April 24, 2005

Yep, I definately think this is an issue. Another victim for nada.

Another mind to bend into thinking that they are the best thing in

the world. Another person who will take their verbal and emotional

abuse and wonder why they are such a bad person.

This is when I started to become very angry at my nada (I didn't

know about BPD)- when I started to see her treating my son the way

she treated me. When I saw that all of our family holidays were

becoming repeats of my childhood holidays, ruined events, because

nada was there raging, I became angry. But I was still enmeshed and

thought I had to invite poor lonely nada to my home for holidays and

birthdays. Last summer nada blew it at my son's birthday, then the

next day she had a HUGE RAGE. I learned about BPD shortly after that

and have not invited nada to my home since that last rage. I refuse

to let her have my child and let her destroy his sense of self.

My child deserves better. I may not be able to provide him with

great financial wealth, designer clothes and wonderful, extravagent

vacations, but I can provide him with unconditional love and

support. I can do my best to protect him from a bitter, mentally ill

woman. He is worth that much and more to me and my husband.

Di.

Does anyone think that maybe our BP parents want to be so involved

with their grandkids, because they see the chance to start over in

the parent/child relationship with a new child? When we establish

boundaries we have stopped trying to please them. Kind of tying in

to splitting us bad, so lets start over with a new child? A new

child that will instinctively try to please them? I know that

sounds sick and wrong but I am just trying to figure out where a BP

grandparent might be coming from....

Jeanine

April 25, 2005

This is what finally made me take the steps to set some limits with my

mother. Even after my daughter was born it still took more

then three years for me to decide that my daughter's safety and well-being

was more important then my mother making me feel guilty.

One of the things that made me mad was her demand to show up to family

functions, we would, then she would start the minute she had me alone in

some

hotel room. As soon as we would show up to one of the planned functions,

she would take our

daughter (dressed in something she picked out or made) parade her all around

to friends and colleagues and then back to me. What finally ticked me off

to the point of saying something was her habit of sticking us away off in a

corner. We would travel hundreds, sometimes over a thousand miles for a

family function only to be stuck far away from family with strangers because

" you can't have a baby making a mess " . This was the way she treated me from

infancy. Dress me up, show off my good manners and then stick me in a

corner until function was over and then yell because I was " hiding "

With my daughter (the first grandchild) she showed up the same day I got out

of the hospital. She did this with each subsequent child both of my

siblings and step siblings. As we live hundreds of miles, sometimes

thousands of miles from each other it was several years before we found out

just how disruptive these visits had been for ALL of us. She would come in

with my step-father in tow carrying the video camera, make all the nice

pretty tapes and the minute the tape was shut down would go off on the

parents.

My sister had a baby in December and my mother was going ballistic because

she was told she could not come to visit until June. She was so offended to

learn that my sister had actually removed the phone from her room. " how can

I see how my grandchild is doing? " " It's not important what your sister

wants, that's my grandchild "

She told several friends a few years back that now that I had my son I no

longer needed my daughter and she was going to take her because she (my

mother) " needed her more "

Needless to say my mother is on the " do not allow " list at my children's

schools.

ugh ugh ugh.

It's been two years since she has seen my children and before that it was

four years. She's spending three days with brother this May and three with

my sister. She's pressing me for a visit but I keep telling her our lives

are too hectic for her to come this summer. I have over a hundred babies of

various species either here or on the way and no time for her. LOL hasn't

gone over well but I am sticking to my guns. She's really upset because on

her last visit she was allowed NO time alone with me or the kids. She

arranged her visit for when my husband was supposed to be out of town for

work. He took vacation and on the one day he couldn't be here his parents

and several cousins came and stayed until he got home.

I really thought that after I became a wife and mother our relationship

would change and she would treat me with more respect, at least I thought

the physical and verbal abuse would come to an end. Didn't happen and

never will. When she doesn't hear from me for a little while it's all

sweetness and light and if I continue to ignore the calls and e mails it

becomes woe is me and then if that doesn't work it's a major crisis with a

family member only vaguely hinted at in a cryptic message. Once she

reestablishes contact the same old cycle starts to repeat. For the last

several months I was angry and hated her for all the crap she's put me

through. I am starting to get to the point where it doesn't really matter

to me. She's sick and she's alone through no one's fault but her own. She

has created the life she leads and has no one to blame but herself.

April 25, 2005

,

I am so sorry your nada is tainting such a beautiful time with her

toxicity. I do not have any children yet, but someday I hope to. I

know that my nada will be all over that situation, as will my nada-

grandma's, and I don't care. They are all going to suck it up and

deal with the fact that NO, they will NOT come to my home and see my

child and especially NO they will NOT be babysitting.

I know one of our books - probably UBM but maybe surviving a BPD

parent - says the best way for daughters of BP mothers to heal is to

give their children all that their nada's did not give them. And I

know it won't be easy blocking these sick women from getting my

babies, but I will lay down in front of a train before I allow them

to traumatize my child as I was traumatized.

Just know that whatever you decide, you are allowed. You are the

adult in this relationship and this is a dangerous person.

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have

just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I

need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new

set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her.

It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

April 25, 2005

,

I am so sorry your nada is tainting such a beautiful time with her

toxicity. I do not have any children yet, but someday I hope to. I

know that my nada will be all over that situation, as will my nada-

grandma's, and I don't care. They are all going to suck it up and

deal with the fact that NO, they will NOT come to my home and see my

child and especially NO they will NOT be babysitting.

I know one of our books - probably UBM but maybe surviving a BPD

parent - says the best way for daughters of BP mothers to heal is to

give their children all that their nada's did not give them. And I

know it won't be easy blocking these sick women from getting my

babies, but I will lay down in front of a train before I allow them

to traumatize my child as I was traumatized.

Just know that whatever you decide, you are allowed. You are the

adult in this relationship and this is a dangerous person.

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have

just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I

need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new

set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her.

It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

April 25, 2005

,

I am so sorry your nada is tainting such a beautiful time with her

toxicity. I do not have any children yet, but someday I hope to. I

know that my nada will be all over that situation, as will my nada-

grandma's, and I don't care. They are all going to suck it up and

deal with the fact that NO, they will NOT come to my home and see my

child and especially NO they will NOT be babysitting.

I know one of our books - probably UBM but maybe surviving a BPD

parent - says the best way for daughters of BP mothers to heal is to

give their children all that their nada's did not give them. And I

know it won't be easy blocking these sick women from getting my

babies, but I will lay down in front of a train before I allow them

to traumatize my child as I was traumatized.

Just know that whatever you decide, you are allowed. You are the

adult in this relationship and this is a dangerous person.

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have

just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I

need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new

set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her.

It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

April 25, 2005

I could have written this! I am SUPPOSED to be no contact with my nada but

now and then she sends sweet e-mails. When I don't respond, she starts

calling me constantly. When I don't answer, she starts appearing at my door

(and breaking windows!). She sent me e-mail a week and a half ago demanding

that I answer to tell her whether our reconciliation is still on (I have no

idea how she came up with this), so I'm living in constant panic waiting for

those phone calls and appearances. Meanwhile, I feel soul-suckingly guilty

for doing this to my mother...but I'm also angry as mentioned below, and I

do believe that this is not my fault. She really doesn't have anyone to

blame but herself. Agh!

Megen

_____

When she doesn't hear from me for a little while it's all