Re: NADA's first grandchild

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Congratulations...your first child, what a joy.

Major boundaries, yes it is time; and a force field around the neutral zone.

Many of us KOs have been through this with the BP; it is much less painful

to maintain boundaries established WHEN your child comes into the world, than

it would be to put them up after the BP begins trespassing ... and she will.

CarolC

In a message dated 4/23/2005 12:59:52 AM Pacific Standard Time,

nahnahkitty@... writes:

Hello,

My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in about 6

weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have just

bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case the

baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me or my

life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I need

to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new set

of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her. It's

just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty easy to

do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major boundaries

now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off, her

obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Congratulations...your first child, what a joy.

Major boundaries, yes it is time; and a force field around the neutral zone.

Many of us KOs have been through this with the BP; it is much less painful

to maintain boundaries established WHEN your child comes into the world, than

it would be to put them up after the BP begins trespassing ... and she will.

CarolC

In a message dated 4/23/2005 12:59:52 AM Pacific Standard Time,

nahnahkitty@... writes:

Hello,

My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in about 6

weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have just

bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case the

baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me or my

life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I need

to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new set

of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her. It's

just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty easy to

do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major boundaries

now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off, her

obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Congratulations...your first child, what a joy.

Major boundaries, yes it is time; and a force field around the neutral zone.

Many of us KOs have been through this with the BP; it is much less painful

to maintain boundaries established WHEN your child comes into the world, than

it would be to put them up after the BP begins trespassing ... and she will.

CarolC

In a message dated 4/23/2005 12:59:52 AM Pacific Standard Time,

nahnahkitty@... writes:

Hello,

My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in about 6

weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have just

bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case the

baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me or my

life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I need

to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new set

of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her. It's

just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty easy to

do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major boundaries

now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off, her

obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

[Guest guest]

If I may put in my penny's worth, it seems to me that the issues with

nadas and children (babies in particular) is it's a new person for

them to start controlling. Not only that, but they want to become #1

to this young person who knows no better, so that little person will

start to think nada is absolutely fabulous. Nadas seem to prey on

these young innocent people b/c they don't know any better. It's the

whole nada controlling a kid process starting all over again. My

daughter is now 14 and we lived with nada until daughter was 12. I

finally got daughter out of most of that nightmare. It was just

horrendous forher. I did not even realize it until she was older and

I started working from home. Daughter can tell me someof her horrible

experiences when she was at home alone with nada. Nada still is

obsessed with trying to get my daughter think nada is #1 and that nada

is abused by me (not inviting nada to everything, so in essence

leaving the poor lonely woman out, ugh)

LAST thing you want to do is give nada a key to your house. No way in

hell on that one!

The newness of this child will not wear off . If you set boundaries

she will keep trying to figure out how to get around them to get to

the kid, at least inmy experience. It will be tough, but I think if

you set them sooner than later that will help. It's kind of like not

disciplining a child until they are 7 and wondering why it's so

difficult.

My sister lives 800 miles away. She quit having nada be present when

the babies were born even though that's what nada wanted. She set

certain times nada could come visit, etc. Now that'seasier to do 800

miles away, but you can still set certain times when nada can see your

child. I would suggest, of course, that you or hubby always be there.

I don't exactly know what else to tell you at the moment. Hate to

sound like bad news, but I think many would tell you that nadas see it

as a new opportunity for control.

I hope you have loads of fun, though, with your new first little one!

They are such a joy!

Theresa

>

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her. It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off, her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

>

>

> Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of contents, go to:

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The same thing happened to me. Nada wanted to be at all of my doctor's appt.

when I was pregnant. She claims it is b/c I was adopted and she wants to

experience what it is like to be pregnant. She also joined a pregnancy board

for

pregnant mother due in November (when my son was born). She did sign on as a

grandmother. The pregnant girls on the board kicked her off for being so

rude and critical!!! I figured that out b/c I read the same board and read all

of the angry posts. I had to kick her out of the delivery room b/c she refused

to leave when it was time to push. My son is 2 and it gets worse with her

everyday! I didn't set boundaries early, so I am having to set them now. She

acts like he is her son. It is really sick! I have caught her telling him

negative things about me. I am trying to limit contact now. I don't think it

will get any better with age. She just takes on another victim. Hang in there.

Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself of that

everyday.

-wendy

[Guest guest]

The same thing happened to me. Nada wanted to be at all of my doctor's appt.

when I was pregnant. She claims it is b/c I was adopted and she wants to

experience what it is like to be pregnant. She also joined a pregnancy board

for

pregnant mother due in November (when my son was born). She did sign on as a

grandmother. The pregnant girls on the board kicked her off for being so

rude and critical!!! I figured that out b/c I read the same board and read all

of the angry posts. I had to kick her out of the delivery room b/c she refused

to leave when it was time to push. My son is 2 and it gets worse with her

everyday! I didn't set boundaries early, so I am having to set them now. She

acts like he is her son. It is really sick! I have caught her telling him

negative things about me. I am trying to limit contact now. I don't think it

will get any better with age. She just takes on another victim. Hang in there.

Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself of that

everyday.

-wendy

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/23/2005 6:32:27 PM Pacific Standard Time,

wendynsparks@... writes:

Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself of that

everyday.

-wendy

Yes, this becomes increasingly clear as the control process progresses.

CarolC

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/23/2005 6:32:27 PM Pacific Standard Time,

wendynsparks@... writes:

Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself of that

everyday.

-wendy

Yes, this becomes increasingly clear as the control process progresses.

CarolC

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/23/2005 6:32:27 PM Pacific Standard Time,

wendynsparks@... writes:

Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself of that

everyday.

-wendy

Yes, this becomes increasingly clear as the control process progresses.

CarolC

[Guest guest]

First of all, Congratulations!

I am pregnant also, and my nada won't even mention the pregnancy at

all and doesn't acknowledge it to anyone. I guess they are all

bound by BP but all have their own special nada touch. Lately,

however, I have the feeling she is trying to worm her way into my

life a little more, and I wonder if after my daughter is born she

will show up here to see her.....

The only good ng is that she lives in NJ and I am all the way in

Florida! Thank God I put some good distance between us.

But as far as your nada, definitely a no-no on the key situation!!!

I think you would wind up regretting it shortly after giving it to

her. I agree with and applaud all the other KO moms who have

established boundaries and made sure that their child is not exposed

to the critical overbearingness that is NADA.

Someone mentioned that their nada said negative things about her to

their child....Even though I have kept my nada at bay a bit, that is

one of my fears....that she will degrade me to my daughter and I

will lose her respect.

Anyway, all the best to you---you are in the home stretch now!

Hug,

Sofia

>

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have

just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I

need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new

set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her.

It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

[Guest guest]

First of all, Congratulations!

I am pregnant also, and my nada won't even mention the pregnancy at

all and doesn't acknowledge it to anyone. I guess they are all

bound by BP but all have their own special nada touch. Lately,

however, I have the feeling she is trying to worm her way into my

life a little more, and I wonder if after my daughter is born she

will show up here to see her.....

The only good ng is that she lives in NJ and I am all the way in

Florida! Thank God I put some good distance between us.

But as far as your nada, definitely a no-no on the key situation!!!

I think you would wind up regretting it shortly after giving it to

her. I agree with and applaud all the other KO moms who have

established boundaries and made sure that their child is not exposed

to the critical overbearingness that is NADA.

Someone mentioned that their nada said negative things about her to

their child....Even though I have kept my nada at bay a bit, that is

one of my fears....that she will degrade me to my daughter and I

will lose her respect.

Anyway, all the best to you---you are in the home stretch now!

Hug,

Sofia

>

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have

just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I

need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new

set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her.

It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

[Guest guest]

First of all, Congratulations!

I am pregnant also, and my nada won't even mention the pregnancy at

all and doesn't acknowledge it to anyone. I guess they are all

bound by BP but all have their own special nada touch. Lately,

however, I have the feeling she is trying to worm her way into my

life a little more, and I wonder if after my daughter is born she

will show up here to see her.....

The only good ng is that she lives in NJ and I am all the way in

Florida! Thank God I put some good distance between us.

But as far as your nada, definitely a no-no on the key situation!!!

I think you would wind up regretting it shortly after giving it to

her. I agree with and applaud all the other KO moms who have

established boundaries and made sure that their child is not exposed

to the critical overbearingness that is NADA.

Someone mentioned that their nada said negative things about her to

their child....Even though I have kept my nada at bay a bit, that is

one of my fears....that she will degrade me to my daughter and I

will lose her respect.

Anyway, all the best to you---you are in the home stretch now!

Hug,

Sofia

>

>

> Hello,

> My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I have

just

> bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius I

need

> to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole new

set

> of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with her.

It's

> just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

[Guest guest]

.........>

> Someone mentioned that their nada said negative things about her to

> their child....Even though I have kept my nada at bay a bit, that

is

> one of my fears....that she will degrade me to my daughter and I

> will lose her respect.

>

>.....> Sofia

>

>

*****Sofia,

It isn't that easy, even for a nada, to break the bonds between a

mother and child. The way you treat your child will speak much

louder to her than anything nada can say against you. But do

definitely put the boundaries in place as well. This is a very

important preventative measure. Reminds me of 'an ounce of

prevention is worth a pound of cure'. You are ahead of the game

because you know your nada has BPD, and you know what could happen if

boundaries are not established.

Do things to take care of yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

.........>

> Someone mentioned that their nada said negative things about her to

> their child....Even though I have kept my nada at bay a bit, that

is

> one of my fears....that she will degrade me to my daughter and I

> will lose her respect.

>

>.....> Sofia

>

>

*****Sofia,

It isn't that easy, even for a nada, to break the bonds between a

mother and child. The way you treat your child will speak much

louder to her than anything nada can say against you. But do

definitely put the boundaries in place as well. This is a very

important preventative measure. Reminds me of 'an ounce of

prevention is worth a pound of cure'. You are ahead of the game

because you know your nada has BPD, and you know what could happen if

boundaries are not established.

Do things to take care of yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

My brother had to deal with fada and grandkids, I haven't as I married

someone with children from a previous marriage and we decided not to

have children together.

My brother also married someone with children from a previous

marriage, and they were quite small he married their mother. Our non-

BP mother and myself have readily accepted them as family, and a few

years ago my brother was able to adopt them. Our mother has them over

on school breaks to her home several hours from where my brother and

his family live - she readily stepped into the grandmother role. My

mother and fada divorced many years ago, but live in the same small

town. Fada somehow found out my brother's kids were staying with mom

(not hard to do in a small town), and called mom up and asked if he

could take the kids out for an outing. He picked them up in his motor

home, took them for a drive around the rural county, and let them call

home on his cell phone (this was when cell phones were still fairly

rare). My brother has been in no-contact with fada for years, and was

furious. The kids came home speaking very highly of their grandpa,

and both my brother and I had a long talk with our mom about how that

probably wasn't the right thing to do, that it should be by brother's

call whether his kids are allowed to spend any time with fada. This

was before we all knew about BPD, and in hindsight our mother realizes

how dangerous that was.

Looking back, fada was trying to gain control over my brother's kids,

in a roundabout way to work his way back into my brother's life, and I

am pretty sure he was going to use the kids as pawns - see how fun and

nice I am? My brother and I both felt that allowing his kids to be

alone with fada would be very toxic to them. We are both very

protective of his kids, their biological dad walked out on them and he

hasn't made any attempt to be part of their lives (hence my brother

adopting them). Having already experienced abandonment from one

parent, they sure don't need exposure to the BP mindgames from a

grandparent. Fada's main interest was in having small powerless

people in his control and like him - I don't think he really cared at

all about being a nurturing grandfather figure.

Fast forward to the present (this all occured probably 10 years ago),

now that fada is in contact with me again, he never asks about my

brother, his kids, etc. Fada never asks about my husband (they have

never met), or my step kids. Our conversations are all about him and

what is going on in his life. I really don't believe a BP grandparent

adds much to the life of their grandkids. A BP's relationships are

all about what a person can do for them, they don't give back. Kids

will experience that soon enough in life without getting hoovered by a

grandparent.

I agree with everyone who has said that your main concern should be

protecting your child. Its hard to sort out what is good for nada vs.

what is good for you and your baby, but her desire to be part of your

baby's life is not for baby, its for her. I think once you can sort

that out, it will be easier to set boundaries that are best for you

and your baby. I also agree its way easier to set boundaries now

rather than have to push back and establish boundaries later on. Kind

of a human nature thing, its easier to establish and enforce the

boundaries now, rather than have to put boundaries in place later that

protect you from already-established bad behavior.

Hope that makes sense.....

Jeanine

> In a message dated 4/23/2005 6:32:27 PM Pacific Standard Time,

> wendynsparks@a... writes:

>

> Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself

of that

> everyday.

> -wendy

>

[Guest guest]

My brother had to deal with fada and grandkids, I haven't as I married

someone with children from a previous marriage and we decided not to

have children together.

My brother also married someone with children from a previous

marriage, and they were quite small he married their mother. Our non-

BP mother and myself have readily accepted them as family, and a few

years ago my brother was able to adopt them. Our mother has them over

on school breaks to her home several hours from where my brother and

his family live - she readily stepped into the grandmother role. My

mother and fada divorced many years ago, but live in the same small

town. Fada somehow found out my brother's kids were staying with mom

(not hard to do in a small town), and called mom up and asked if he

could take the kids out for an outing. He picked them up in his motor

home, took them for a drive around the rural county, and let them call

home on his cell phone (this was when cell phones were still fairly

rare). My brother has been in no-contact with fada for years, and was

furious. The kids came home speaking very highly of their grandpa,

and both my brother and I had a long talk with our mom about how that

probably wasn't the right thing to do, that it should be by brother's

call whether his kids are allowed to spend any time with fada. This

was before we all knew about BPD, and in hindsight our mother realizes

how dangerous that was.

Looking back, fada was trying to gain control over my brother's kids,

in a roundabout way to work his way back into my brother's life, and I

am pretty sure he was going to use the kids as pawns - see how fun and

nice I am? My brother and I both felt that allowing his kids to be

alone with fada would be very toxic to them. We are both very

protective of his kids, their biological dad walked out on them and he

hasn't made any attempt to be part of their lives (hence my brother

adopting them). Having already experienced abandonment from one

parent, they sure don't need exposure to the BP mindgames from a

grandparent. Fada's main interest was in having small powerless

people in his control and like him - I don't think he really cared at

all about being a nurturing grandfather figure.

Fast forward to the present (this all occured probably 10 years ago),

now that fada is in contact with me again, he never asks about my

brother, his kids, etc. Fada never asks about my husband (they have

never met), or my step kids. Our conversations are all about him and

what is going on in his life. I really don't believe a BP grandparent

adds much to the life of their grandkids. A BP's relationships are

all about what a person can do for them, they don't give back. Kids

will experience that soon enough in life without getting hoovered by a

grandparent.

I agree with everyone who has said that your main concern should be

protecting your child. Its hard to sort out what is good for nada vs.

what is good for you and your baby, but her desire to be part of your

baby's life is not for baby, its for her. I think once you can sort

that out, it will be easier to set boundaries that are best for you

and your baby. I also agree its way easier to set boundaries now

rather than have to push back and establish boundaries later on. Kind

of a human nature thing, its easier to establish and enforce the

boundaries now, rather than have to put boundaries in place later that

protect you from already-established bad behavior.

Hope that makes sense.....

Jeanine

> In a message dated 4/23/2005 6:32:27 PM Pacific Standard Time,

> wendynsparks@a... writes:

>

> Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind myself

of that

> everyday.

> -wendy

>

[Guest guest]

Does anyone think that maybe our BP parents want to be so involved

with their grandkids, because they see the chance to start over in

the parent/child relationship with a new child? When we establish

boundaries we have stopped trying to please them. Kind of tying in

to splitting us bad, so lets start over with a new child? A new

child that will instinctively try to please them? I know that

sounds sick and wrong but I am just trying to figure out where a BP

grandparent might be coming from....

Jeanine

> The same thing happened to me. Nada wanted to be at all of my

doctor's appt.

> when I was pregnant. She claims it is b/c I was adopted and she

wants to

> experience what it is like to be pregnant. She also joined a

pregnancy board for

> pregnant mother due in November (when my son was born). She did

sign on as a

> grandmother. The pregnant girls on the board kicked her off for

being so

> rude and critical!!! I figured that out b/c I read the same board

and read all

> of the angry posts. I had to kick her out of the delivery room

b/c she refused

> to leave when it was time to push. My son is 2 and it gets worse

with her

> everyday! I didn't set boundaries early, so I am having to set

them now. She

> acts like he is her son. It is really sick! I have caught her

telling him

> negative things about me. I am trying to limit contact now. I

don't think it

> will get any better with age. She just takes on another victim.

Hang in there.

> Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind

myself of that

> everyday.

> -wendy

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Does anyone think that maybe our BP parents want to be so involved

with their grandkids, because they see the chance to start over in

the parent/child relationship with a new child? When we establish

boundaries we have stopped trying to please them. Kind of tying in

to splitting us bad, so lets start over with a new child? A new

child that will instinctively try to please them? I know that

sounds sick and wrong but I am just trying to figure out where a BP

grandparent might be coming from....

Jeanine

> The same thing happened to me. Nada wanted to be at all of my

doctor's appt.

> when I was pregnant. She claims it is b/c I was adopted and she

wants to

> experience what it is like to be pregnant. She also joined a

pregnancy board for

> pregnant mother due in November (when my son was born). She did

sign on as a

> grandmother. The pregnant girls on the board kicked her off for

being so

> rude and critical!!! I figured that out b/c I read the same board

and read all

> of the angry posts. I had to kick her out of the delivery room

b/c she refused

> to leave when it was time to push. My son is 2 and it gets worse

with her

> everyday! I didn't set boundaries early, so I am having to set

them now. She

> acts like he is her son. It is really sick! I have caught her

telling him

> negative things about me. I am trying to limit contact now. I

don't think it

> will get any better with age. She just takes on another victim.

Hang in there.

> Your main responsibility is to protect your child. I remind

myself of that

> everyday.

> -wendy

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I would have got caught up in my reading a little bit before

responding to posts, I would have seen that Theresa said exactly

what I was trying to say.

Jeanine

> >

> >

> > Hello,

> > My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> > weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I

have just

> > bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> > baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> > life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius

I need

> > to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole

new set

> > of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> > possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with

her. It's

> > just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> > do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> > now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> > boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> > obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of

contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I guess I would have got caught up in my reading a little bit before

responding to posts, I would have seen that Theresa said exactly

what I was trying to say.

Jeanine

> >

> >

> > Hello,

> > My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> > weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I

have just

> > bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> > baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> > life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius

I need

> > to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole

new set

> > of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> > possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with

her. It's

> > just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> > do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> > now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> > boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> > obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of

contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I guess I would have got caught up in my reading a little bit before

responding to posts, I would have seen that Theresa said exactly

what I was trying to say.

Jeanine

> >

> >

> > Hello,

> > My NADA is out of hand. I am having my first child, a boy, in

about 6

> > weeks. You'd think she's the one having him. My husband and I

have just

> > bought a home and she is already asking us for a key... " in case

the

> > baby needs her " . The funny thing is she could care less about me

or my

> > life before I was pregnant...now, she's obsessed. It is obvoius

I need

> > to set up new boundaries, it's just hard when she has a whole

new set

> > of reasons to stop by or call. I want her in my life as little as

> > possible I prefer to keep things on a superficial level with

her. It's

> > just easier that way. Up until my pregnancy, it had been pretty

easy to

> > do this but now, I am afraid if I don't set up some major

boundaries

> > now, things will be awful. Any suggestions on establishing

> > boundaries...also, do you think that once the newness wares off,

her

> > obsession with my child will calm down a bit? Thanks.

> >

> >

> > Send questions and/or concerns to ModOasis-owner

> > " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs, can be

ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL () and for the table of

contents, go to:

> > http://www.BPDCentral.com

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>

> Does anyone think that maybe our BP parents want to be so involved

> with their grandkids, because they see the chance to start over in

> the parent/child relationship with a new child? When we establish

> boundaries we have stopped trying to please them. Kind of tying in

> to splitting us bad, so lets start over with a new child? A new

> child that will instinctively try to please them? I know that

> sounds sick and wrong but I am just trying to figure out where a BP

> grandparent might be coming from....

>

> Jeanine

>

****I'm not sure why my nada wants to be involved with her

grandchildren. I think your theory has definite merit. And it is

probably a factor for many grandnadas and grandfadas. I think for my

nada, this could be part of her interest in her grandkids. Also, she

just enjoys the love that you get from a trusting child. She

probably does with them what she did with us - really enjoy 'babying'

us, and getting that adoring love - until the grandkids also surpass

her in emotional age. Maybe a little longer, cause she isn't

responsible for them 24/7. There are probably other factors too, but

bottom line, you are on to something with your idea. Nadas are just

thrilled to have another opportunity to try to succeed with their

enmeshment, projection, etc.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

>

> Does anyone think that maybe our BP parents want to be so involved

> with their grandkids, because they see the chance to start over in

> the parent/child relationship with a new child? When we establish

> boundaries we have stopped trying to please them. Kind of tying in

> to splitting us bad, so lets start over with a new child? A new

> child that will instinctively try to please them? I know that

> sounds sick and wrong but I am just trying to figure out where a BP

> grandparent might be coming from....

>

> Jeanine

>

****I'm not sure why my nada wants to be involved with her

grandchildren. I think your theory has definite merit. And it is

probably a factor for many grandnadas and grandfadas. I think for my

nada, this could be part of her interest in her grandkids. Also, she

just enjoys the love that you get from a trusting child. She

probably does with them what she did with us - really enjoy 'babying'

us, and getting that adoring love - until the grandkids also surpass

her in emotional age. Maybe a little longer, cause she isn't

responsible for them 24/7. There are probably other factors too, but

bottom line, you are on to something with your idea. Nadas are just

thrilled to have another opportunity to try to succeed with their

enmeshment, projection, etc.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

>

> Does anyone think that maybe our BP parents want to be so involved

> with their grandkids, because they see the chance to start over in

> the parent/child relationship with a new child? When we establish

> boundaries we have stopped trying to please them. Kind of tying in

> to splitting us bad, so lets start over with a new child? A new

> child that will instinctively try to please them? I know that

> sounds sick and wrong but I am just trying to figure out where a BP

> grandparent might be coming from....

>

> Jeanine

>

****I'm not sure why my nada wants to be involved with her

grandchildren. I think your theory has definite merit. And it is

probably a factor for many grandnadas and grandfadas. I think for my

nada, this could be part of her interest in her grandkids. Also, she

just enjoys the love that you get from a trusting child. She

probably does with them what she did with us - really enjoy 'babying'

us, and getting that adoring love - until the grandkids also surpass

her in emotional age. Maybe a little longer, cause she isn't

responsible for them 24/7. There are probably other factors too, but

bottom line, you are on to something with your idea. Nadas are just

thrilled to have another opportunity to try to succeed with their

enmeshment, projection, etc.

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

I just joined the group and this is my first post. I'm still learning

the board language so please bear w/ me

This is in response to the post about the first grandchild.

My daughter -- Z -- is now 20 months old. I waited until I was about 5

mo pg before I told my NADA about her b/c I knew she'd go crazy (in

many senses of the word). She had started sending boxes of baby

clothes years before, even though she hates my husband & insists we're

going to break up. She " just had to " send me package after package of

clothing for newborns and she asked me constantly if I was pregnant.

Constantly.

Anyway, she thankfully lives over 1000 miles away and we were moving

to another state during my pregnancy, which set her off (it made us

slightly farther away -- we're now back in the original location). I

told her the distance to her local airport was the same and she went

on one of her cycles. I thought it was funny & true.

So she sent a package of some sort for Z every week all the way

through my pregnancy and after Z was born. She kept saying she was

coming to help w/ the baby. I wasn't looking forward to it but there

was a part of me thinking it would be nice to pretend to have a normal

mother for once.

So a few weeks after Z was born, she says, " Oh by the way, I'm not

coming. I can't afford it. " If I took all of the things she'd sent and

added them up (plus postage), she could have flown first class round

trip. This came after she found out my MIL was not coming,

uncoincidentally. She's highly materialistic and uses Z as a spending

excuse.

Her obsession w/ Z waxes and wanes, depending on how her BP cycle

goes. Sometimes she sends tons of hideous cheap crap and sometimes you

could hear crickets chirping when you open the mailbox. I've tried to

say that I don't want her to send anything but she takes that as " you

don't want me in Z's life. " Not that that's untrue, per se

It really waned after Z was born, compared to during my pregnancy. My

pregnancy gave me a nice neutral topic for conversation. After Z was

born, it was a lot of nonsense advice (and that it was a personal

affront when I didn't take it).

If I could do anything differently, I probably would have tried to set

up some kind of boundary but my NADA has no respect for boundaries at

all. You can answer " what is it? " with " it's personal " and she'll say,

" what is it? " until she gets a rasp.

Maybe you could say that you're setting up a " no calls, no visits "

time of day (say, late morning through mid afternoon)? She should

understand how tired you'll be. That might work. Maybe once she gets

used to that schedule, she won't be as pestery.

I also advise loading her up on photos. She can obsess over them in

her spare time. My mother was always saying things like, " Where did

you get that couch? " or " Is that a candy wrapper beside the baby? "

when she got a new batch.

~ Eden