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[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on this list for a week or two and learning the lingo. I

found out about the list in an appendix of Stop Walking on Eggshells. I just

got a new therapist in January, and she immediately figured out that my mom

is BPD and recommended a number of books. I'm having mixed reactions: one

the one hand, I feel so relieved that I get tearful, just because finally I

don't feel alone and totally nuts with these characteristics and

experiences, but on the other hand, I'm steeped in the old dread and denial

( " how can I even think these things about nada? She did the best she could/I

must be remembering wrong/I must be making it up " ).

A year ago January I severed all contact with nada (yes, FAR before I knew

about all this borderline stuff!) and managed to stick to my guns even

though at one point she came to my house to force me to talk to her and

ended up breaking the window out of my door to get in. Sound familiar?

Recently I got e-mail from her (they start with " I know you don't want me to

contact you, BUT... " ) saying that her husband (my stepfather) has recurrent

cancer, followed by her asking whether we can ever have a relationship. I

immediately felt manipulated. I feel torn and miserable. I can't help but

feel like the worst daughter in the world to " heartlessly " keep letting her

fend for herself even when her husband is dying. OTOH, nothing changes. If I

called her up, the same old stuff would happen instantly and decisively, and

I would be a total mess. After 15 months free of her constant psychological

warfare I'm actually starting to breathe again, and I'm reluctant to destroy

that. But the guilt is almost paralyzing.

Needless to say, I'm getting a lot from this list. Lurkers bug me so I just

wanted to give a little wave.

Megen