Re: How long has it been?

December 1, 2004

Just joined the Oasis here, and thought I'd chip in.

I only drew the line with my fada a few months ago, but in that time, I feel

like I've grown exponentially. It was a part of my journey, I think, admitting

and accepting that things were not right and that there was nothing I could do

to change that.

I told him in an email to not contact me. I got two emails in response, but I

haven't read either of them. I still have them, because I can't seem to bring

myself to delete them, even though I don't think they'll contain anything that

would change my mind. I've been hurt too deeply to expose myself to it again.

I feel guilty and sad sometimes, too. Only my brother hasn't severed contact

with him, because he's got the full force of the Hoover, as it were, and he's

still seeking for acceptance after all these years, even though he's just

never going to get it. Poor guy.

I also feel bad that I've pretty much had to sever ties with my fada's entire

side of the family, especially since my grandma's sick and probably dying.

Then again, having heard her pulling some BP crap (back before I had a name

for it), I'm not as sad about it as I might be. I wish I could still talk to

one of my cousins, and maybe one of my aunts, but that would just turn them

into portals for the fada to use, and not only do I not want to do that to

them, I'm not up for it!

-Ping

---------- Original Message -----------

>

> >

> > Hi KOs,

> >

> > I'm curious - for those of you who have the no-contact boundary

> up > with your nadas, how long has it been since you last talked to

> her? > > I was thinking about it this morning and it's been over

> three years > for me. Since then she has sent me hate e-mail and

> left messages on > my machine, but I didn't reply to those, so they

> don't count. I > found it surprising that it's been so long. I feel

> like it's going > to be quite a while longer before I can think

> about talking to her > again. A very small part of me feels guilty

> for that, but most of me > is just plain relieved to have the

> chance to heal. > >

December 1, 2004

Hi Oz:

I read these messages to my husband who laughed at the first, and

said that they both made him feel better. It's terribly sad, but

it's affirming to know that you're not alone.

My hubby was going on 2 yrs with no contact with his foo. He was

happy to be free of their continual hassle and the inevitable

torture of dealing with them. And such was the case before I ever

entered the picture, but I became the scapegoat and fulcrum for the

estrangement. I refused to have contact with them about a year

before my husband did -- but even he couldn't stand them fully

concentrated without me in the mix to buffer them a little (a little

enabling/codependency on my part). Since the ultimatum of apologize

and stop the abuse or no contact, we've had only a couple of screwy

letters ( " sorry for whatever it was that I did " ) and some WHACK JOB

voicemails from his sister, the new incarnation of his nada. (It

was so psychotic that I taped it in the event they ever taking legal

action against me over their passionate belief that I " poisoned his

mind " and caused his GENETIC connective tissue disease. Hey, I must

be amazingly and magically powerful.)

About a month ago, my husband's sister called him at his new job.

Hubby was terse with her, furious and frustrated because the whole

foo acts like they have no idea why he made the break. I started

writing an FYI letter to them, and also thought I would at least

acknowledge a letter MIL sent me last fall. I felt that her attempt

should be acknowledged, despite how pathetic it was, but hubby didnt

think it was wise to stir up more garbage. I work on it from time to

time for catharsis.

I think what bothers him the most is the idea that all he had to do

to essentially rid himself of them was send one email to his parents

and have one phone conversation with his sister. He feels guilty

that he let them harrass me for 11 yrs before he stopped them, and I

feel guilty for being the catalyst. I did everything possible to

make things work, and acting like a wallflower just made them more

aggressive, so I have no guilt over how I responded to them.

It's going to be a long month or so, wondering if his sister will

call again. Yeah, well. My nada will provide plenty of distraction

to be sure.

K

> >

> > Hi KOs,

> >

> > I'm curious - for those of you who have the no-contact boundary

up

> > with your nadas, how long has it been since you last talked to

her?

> >

> > I was thinking about it this morning and it's been over three

years

> > for me. Since then she has sent me hate e-mail and left messages

on

> > my machine, but I didn't reply to those, so they don't count. I

> > found it surprising that it's been so long. I feel like it's

going

> > to be quite a while longer before I can think about talking to

her

> > again. A very small part of me feels guilty for that, but most

of me

> > is just plain relieved to have the chance to heal.

> >

December 2, 2004

Hi Ping and Welcome!

I can relate to what you said about your brother - my dad is NPD

(Narcissistic), and sometimes I still find myself hoping for his

approval/attention/love, sad as that is. I think for me it's because

he's the lesser of two evils (my nada being the worser by far).

As for those emails you received from your fada - do you have

someone else who could read them for " content " ? My hubby does this

for me - just in case there's actually something nice in them, or at

the very least, informative. If it's just junk he'll delete it and

tell me not to bother. An effective filter .

> > >

> > > Hi KOs,

> > >

> > > I'm curious - for those of you who have the no-contact

boundary

> > up > with your nadas, how long has it been since you last

talked to

> > her? > > I was thinking about it this morning and it's been

over

> > three years > for me. Since then she has sent me hate e-mail

and

> > left messages on > my machine, but I didn't reply to those, so

they

> > don't count. I > found it surprising that it's been so long. I

feel

> > like it's going > to be quite a while longer before I can think

> > about talking to her > again. A very small part of me feels

guilty

> > for that, but most of me > is just plain relieved to have the

> > chance to heal. > >

December 2, 2004