Re: Thanks for replying to hurting

[Guest guest]

Ouch , that stings from here...your nada is very skilled at escalating

a crisis to imply herself as a saint/victim. She would divorce your dad to

escape accepting responsibility for trespassing on your boundaries...and blame

you for the divorce! This is the stuff that childhood nightmares are made of.

Is it possible that you perceived your mother being 'kind' to you growing up

because you were compliant, always? She is quite good at projecting. Carol

In a message dated 5/12/04 9:26:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

shannon.welton@... writes:

Thanks so much to Leah, Barb, and for responding. I feel so

cliché saying that I felt so much better knowing that I was not

alone, but I did. As I read Leah's reply I began to cry at first

out of sadness but then I realized it was a cry of relief. I go up

and down with my emotions, I just can't let go of my memories of

who I thought my Mom was. My Mom was never mean to me growing up; I

always felt loved. She was beautiful, smart, and had lots of

friends. She was very well known in our community. It saddens me

to think of her in this debilitating state. My husband asked me if

I ever remember any of the violent spells, crying fits or other

insecurities I see now when I was little. Of course I immediately

said " no " . Still protecting my fragile Mom like always but then I

began to think back and I began recalling incidents from my

childhood. I couldn't remember many but the ones I could

remember where pretty huge; I imagine I blocked most of the others

out of my mind. I guess maybe that's why sometimes this all seems so

surreal to me. I want to wake up and this all to be a bad dream! I

can't help crying right now . . . I have spent 30 years of my

life " raising " and protecting my mother and now I have to try

to convince myself that she is mentally ill. All of the signs of BPD

are there and I can't deny it or block it out. I know it wasn't

fair that she was " my responsibility " when I was growing up and I am

just now discovering with the help of a very good psychologist who I

am, what my likes and dislikes are and developing my own opinions.

Who know what path I would have taken if I wouldn't have felt so

responsible for her. I never even went away to college; I lived at

home and commuted to the University every day because I didn't

want to leave her. I guess moving 7 hours away was a big step for

me, not to mention one of the best things I could have ever done for

myself (I can thank my husband for that). Unfortunately, my Dad is

left by himself to deal with her and he is not use to it. 30 out of

their 34 years of marriage I took care of her. I can see

the " splitting " that BPD's are supposed to do so clearly now because

for the first time in my life I am " bad " in her eyes. She emailed

and it was full of guilty tactics. I would like to include an email

she sent me the other day to see what all of you think . . .

" Dear

I had one daughter so that I wouldn't show favoritism. I thought

that this way I would have the time and energy necessary to be a

good mom. I gave you everything I had to give. Obviously, I have

nothing else to give you. You have made that perfectly clear to

me. I told you I would take care of everything in that respect. I

have stepped out of your life. I just imagine you are on some

island somewhere blah, blah, blah…. You seem to be satisfied

with

the way things are. Let's face it; you'll have to accept

your

losses in life sometime. For some of us, it's just not soon

enough

so we feel we need to speed up the process and make necessary

choices to attain that end. I am more than happy to comply.

My problem now is your Dad. He's very hurt by what's going

on. I'm

sure that wasn't part of your master plan, (it certainly

isn't

mine….none of this is). I don't know what to do with him.

Maybe

you can come up with something. Or is he part of your boundary

thing too? Maybe when you have your " select " family outings,

you

could find it in your heart to include him. Or, when you come home

and want so much to be an " adult couple " you could at least

take him

with you when you visit other family members. I had no idea that

doing things with your parents, no matter what your age, means that

you are not an adult. I never knew that. It amazes me the number

of people that still do things with their parents and it doesn't

seem to bother them. I had told you Dad that we were together in

this and that I was sorry to be the cause. It's not fair that he

should hurt, too. What did HE do? I have offered to divorce him so

that he would be free of me and the pain that I seem to cause

everyone. Everyone would truly be so much better off. It's

really

his choice but maybe you could help convince him.

Donna "

[Guest guest]

Ouch , that stings from here...your nada is very skilled at escalating

a crisis to imply herself as a saint/victim. She would divorce your dad to

escape accepting responsibility for trespassing on your boundaries...and blame

you for the divorce! This is the stuff that childhood nightmares are made of.

Is it possible that you perceived your mother being 'kind' to you growing up

because you were compliant, always? She is quite good at projecting. Carol

In a message dated 5/12/04 9:26:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

shannon.welton@... writes:

Thanks so much to Leah, Barb, and for responding. I feel so

cliché saying that I felt so much better knowing that I was not

alone, but I did. As I read Leah's reply I began to cry at first

out of sadness but then I realized it was a cry of relief. I go up

and down with my emotions, I just can't let go of my memories of

who I thought my Mom was. My Mom was never mean to me growing up; I

always felt loved. She was beautiful, smart, and had lots of

friends. She was very well known in our community. It saddens me

to think of her in this debilitating state. My husband asked me if

I ever remember any of the violent spells, crying fits or other

insecurities I see now when I was little. Of course I immediately

said " no " . Still protecting my fragile Mom like always but then I

began to think back and I began recalling incidents from my

childhood. I couldn't remember many but the ones I could

remember where pretty huge; I imagine I blocked most of the others

out of my mind. I guess maybe that's why sometimes this all seems so

surreal to me. I want to wake up and this all to be a bad dream! I

can't help crying right now . . . I have spent 30 years of my

life " raising " and protecting my mother and now I have to try

to convince myself that she is mentally ill. All of the signs of BPD

are there and I can't deny it or block it out. I know it wasn't

fair that she was " my responsibility " when I was growing up and I am

just now discovering with the help of a very good psychologist who I

am, what my likes and dislikes are and developing my own opinions.

Who know what path I would have taken if I wouldn't have felt so

responsible for her. I never even went away to college; I lived at

home and commuted to the University every day because I didn't

want to leave her. I guess moving 7 hours away was a big step for

me, not to mention one of the best things I could have ever done for

myself (I can thank my husband for that). Unfortunately, my Dad is

left by himself to deal with her and he is not use to it. 30 out of

their 34 years of marriage I took care of her. I can see

the " splitting " that BPD's are supposed to do so clearly now because

for the first time in my life I am " bad " in her eyes. She emailed

and it was full of guilty tactics. I would like to include an email

she sent me the other day to see what all of you think . . .

" Dear

I had one daughter so that I wouldn't show favoritism. I thought

that this way I would have the time and energy necessary to be a

good mom. I gave you everything I had to give. Obviously, I have

nothing else to give you. You have made that perfectly clear to

me. I told you I would take care of everything in that respect. I

have stepped out of your life. I just imagine you are on some

island somewhere blah, blah, blah…. You seem to be satisfied

with

the way things are. Let's face it; you'll have to accept

your

losses in life sometime. For some of us, it's just not soon

enough

so we feel we need to speed up the process and make necessary

choices to attain that end. I am more than happy to comply.

My problem now is your Dad. He's very hurt by what's going

on. I'm

sure that wasn't part of your master plan, (it certainly

isn't

mine….none of this is). I don't know what to do with him.

Maybe

you can come up with something. Or is he part of your boundary

thing too? Maybe when you have your " select " family outings,

you

could find it in your heart to include him. Or, when you come home

and want so much to be an " adult couple " you could at least

take him

with you when you visit other family members. I had no idea that

doing things with your parents, no matter what your age, means that

you are not an adult. I never knew that. It amazes me the number

of people that still do things with their parents and it doesn't

seem to bother them. I had told you Dad that we were together in

this and that I was sorry to be the cause. It's not fair that he

should hurt, too. What did HE do? I have offered to divorce him so

that he would be free of me and the pain that I seem to cause

everyone. Everyone would truly be so much better off. It's

really

his choice but maybe you could help convince him.

Donna "

[Guest guest]

I was pretty compliant to her. I guess I never crossed her so she

would have been kind and loving toward me. She really believe the

old adage " if mom's not happy, nobody's happy " and so did I. Thanks

for the input.

> Ouch , that stings from here...your nada is very skilled at

escalating

> a crisis to imply herself as a saint/victim. She would divorce

your dad to

> escape accepting responsibility for trespassing on your

boundaries...and blame

> you for the divorce! This is the stuff that childhood nightmares

are made of.

>

> Is it possible that you perceived your mother being 'kind' to you

growing up

> because you were compliant, always? She is quite good at

projecting. Carol

>

>

>

> In a message dated 5/12/04 9:26:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> shannon.welton@p... writes:

> Thanks so much to Leah, Barb, and for responding. I feel so

> cliché saying that I felt so much better knowing that I was not

> alone, but I did. As I read Leah's reply I began to cry at first

> out of sadness but then I realized it was a cry of relief. I go

up

> and down with my emotions, I just can't let go of my memories of

> who I thought my Mom was. My Mom was never mean to me growing up;

I

> always felt loved. She was beautiful, smart, and had lots of

> friends. She was very well known in our community. It saddens me

> to think of her in this debilitating state. My husband asked me

if

> I ever remember any of the violent spells, crying fits or other

> insecurities I see now when I was little. Of course I immediately

> said " no " . Still protecting my fragile Mom like always but then I

> began to think back and I began recalling incidents from my

> childhood. I couldn't remember many but the ones I could

> remember where pretty huge; I imagine I blocked most of the others

> out of my mind. I guess maybe that's why sometimes this all seems

so

> surreal to me. I want to wake up and this all to be a bad dream!

I

> can't help crying right now . . . I have spent 30 years of my

> life " raising " and protecting my mother and now I have to try

> to convince myself that she is mentally ill. All of the signs of

BPD

> are there and I can't deny it or block it out. I know it wasn't

> fair that she was " my responsibility " when I was growing up and I

am

> just now discovering with the help of a very good psychologist who

I

> am, what my likes and dislikes are and developing my own

opinions.

> Who know what path I would have taken if I wouldn't have felt so

> responsible for her. I never even went away to college; I lived

at

> home and commuted to the University every day because I didn't

> want to leave her. I guess moving 7 hours away was a big step for

> me, not to mention one of the best things I could have ever done

for

> myself (I can thank my husband for that). Unfortunately, my Dad

is

> left by himself to deal with her and he is not use to it. 30 out

of

> their 34 years of marriage I took care of her. I can see

> the " splitting " that BPD's are supposed to do so clearly now

because

> for the first time in my life I am " bad " in her eyes. She emailed

> and it was full of guilty tactics. I would like to include an

email

> she sent me the other day to see what all of you think . . .

>

> " Dear

> I had one daughter so that I wouldn't show favoritism. I thought

> that this way I would have the time and energy necessary to be a

> good mom. I gave you everything I had to give. Obviously, I have

> nothing else to give you. You have made that perfectly clear to

> me. I told you I would take care of everything in that respect.

I

> have stepped out of your life. I just imagine you are on some

> island somewhere blah, blah, blah…. You seem to be satisfied

> with

> the way things are. Let's face it; you'll have to accept

> your

> losses in life sometime. For some of us, it's just not soon

> enough

> so we feel we need to speed up the process and make necessary

> choices to attain that end. I am more than happy to comply.

> My problem now is your Dad. He's very hurt by what's going

> on. I'm

> sure that wasn't part of your master plan, (it certainly

> isn't

> mine….none of this is). I don't know what to do with him.

> Maybe

> you can come up with something. Or is he part of your boundary

> thing too? Maybe when you have your " select " family outings,

> you

> could find it in your heart to include him. Or, when you come

home

> and want so much to be an " adult couple " you could at least

> take him

> with you when you visit other family members. I had no idea that

> doing things with your parents, no matter what your age, means

that

> you are not an adult. I never knew that. It amazes me the number

> of people that still do things with their parents and it doesn't

> seem to bother them. I had told you Dad that we were together in

> this and that I was sorry to be the cause. It's not fair that he

> should hurt, too. What did HE do? I have offered to divorce him

so

> that he would be free of me and the pain that I seem to cause

> everyone. Everyone would truly be so much better off. It's

> really

> his choice but maybe you could help convince him.

> Donna "

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, this JUST LIKE MY MOM & MY HISTORY. It's just the type of thing

my nada's pulling on me now except Dad is long gone. I'm being

noncompliant/self-assertive for the first time in 39 years so it's

unacceptable behavior to mother, who needs to be my " best

friend " , " fragile mother " , " maid " , etc, but look out if she can't

get what she wants. It feels surreal to me too, like a bad dream. I

always knew she was weird/ridiculous/dumb?/wicked, but mentally ill?

I'm still trying to accept that, even though it's a relief That I'm

not the callous evil spawn she makes me out to be. I say I'm the

mostly-split-good sister (my older sis is mostly-split-bad), but

really we each get split bad & good because we each were her only

child for while. My sis is 18 years older & got married when I was

~1. She is just beginning to confide some truly painful/horrid

stories of emotional abuse to me; she really did get it worse than I

did. Weird how I feel guilty even though it wasn't my fault to be

the good one. Nada has twisted our minds in so many ways. Thank God

I have a normal husband/in-laws to show me what's real.

> > Ouch , that stings from here...your nada is very skilled

at

> escalating

> > a crisis to imply herself as a saint/victim. She would divorce

> your dad to

> > escape accepting responsibility for trespassing on your

> boundaries...and blame

> > you for the divorce! This is the stuff that childhood

nightmares

> are made of.

> >

> > Is it possible that you perceived your mother being 'kind' to

you

> growing up

> > because you were compliant, always? She is quite good at

> projecting. Carol

> >

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 5/12/04 9:26:13 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> > shannon.welton@p... writes:

> > Thanks so much to Leah, Barb, and for responding. I feel

so

> > cliché saying that I felt so much better knowing that I was not

> > alone, but I did. As I read Leah's reply I began to cry at

first

> > out of sadness but then I realized it was a cry of relief. I go

> up

> > and down with my emotions, I just can't let go of my memories of

> > who I thought my Mom was. My Mom was never mean to me growing

up;

> I

> > always felt loved. She was beautiful, smart, and had lots of

> > friends. She was very well known in our community. It saddens

me

> > to think of her in this debilitating state. My husband asked me

> if

> > I ever remember any of the violent spells, crying fits or other

> > insecurities I see now when I was little. Of course I

immediately

> > said " no " . Still protecting my fragile Mom like always but then

I

> > began to think back and I began recalling incidents from my

> > childhood. I couldn't remember many but the ones I could

> > remember where pretty huge; I imagine I blocked most of the

others

> > out of my mind. I guess maybe that's why sometimes this all

seems

> so

> > surreal to me. I want to wake up and this all to be a bad

dream!

> I

> > can't help crying right now . . . I have spent 30 years of my

> > life " raising " and protecting my mother and now I have to try

> > to convince myself that she is mentally ill. All of the signs

of

> BPD

> > are there and I can't deny it or block it out. I know it wasn't

> > fair that she was " my responsibility " when I was growing up and

I

> am

> > just now discovering with the help of a very good psychologist

who

> I

> > am, what my likes and dislikes are and developing my own

> opinions.

> > Who know what path I would have taken if I wouldn't have felt so

> > responsible for her. I never even went away to college; I lived

> at

> > home and commuted to the University every day because I didn't

> > want to leave her. I guess moving 7 hours away was a big step

for

> > me, not to mention one of the best things I could have ever done

> for

> > myself (I can thank my husband for that). Unfortunately, my Dad

> is

> > left by himself to deal with her and he is not use to it. 30

out

> of

> > their 34 years of marriage I took care of her. I can see

> > the " splitting " that BPD's are supposed to do so clearly now

> because

> > for the first time in my life I am " bad " in her eyes. She

emailed

> > and it was full of guilty tactics. I would like to include an

> email

> > she sent me the other day to see what all of you think . . .

> >

> > " Dear

> > I had one daughter so that I wouldn't show favoritism. I

thought

> > that this way I would have the time and energy necessary to be a

> > good mom. I gave you everything I had to give. Obviously, I

have

> > nothing else to give you. You have made that perfectly clear to

> > me. I told you I would take care of everything in that

respect.

> I

> > have stepped out of your life. I just imagine you are on some

> > island somewhere blah, blah, blah…. You seem to be satisfied

> > with

> > the way things are. Let's face it; you'll have to accept

> > your

> > losses in life sometime. For some of us, it's just not soon

> > enough

> > so we feel we need to speed up the process and make necessary

> > choices to attain that end. I am more than happy to comply.

> > My problem now is your Dad. He's very hurt by what's going

> > on. I'm

> > sure that wasn't part of your master plan, (it certainly

> > isn't

> > mine….none of this is). I don't know what to do with him.

> > Maybe

> > you can come up with something. Or is he part of your boundary

> > thing too? Maybe when you have your " select " family outings,

> > you

> > could find it in your heart to include him. Or, when you come

> home

> > and want so much to be an " adult couple " you could at least

> > take him

> > with you when you visit other family members. I had no idea that

> > doing things with your parents, no matter what your age, means

> that

> > you are not an adult. I never knew that. It amazes me the

number

> > of people that still do things with their parents and it doesn't

> > seem to bother them. I had told you Dad that we were together

in

> > this and that I was sorry to be the cause. It's not fair that

he

> > should hurt, too. What did HE do? I have offered to divorce

him

> so

> > that he would be free of me and the pain that I seem to cause

> > everyone. Everyone would truly be so much better off. It's

> > really

> > his choice but maybe you could help convince him.

> > Donna "

> >

> >

> >