Guest guest Posted September 23, 2004 Report Share Posted September 23, 2004 , thanks for the support and the suggestions. I need it, there are always sneaky feelings that I am being a monster to express my anger and stand up for myself. I don't think I will have custody problems this time, anyway. We have two kids, hers, not mine. The oldest is on her own. The younger is with her in Colorado. He would have preferred to stay in France but he will do what she says. I will make it plain, if she doesn't come back, that he is welcome to stay with me, but since I am not the biological father I am sure there would be no way to get custody. At 15 he will be out of there pretty soon anyway. Actually, if I need to divorce her to save myself, I will probably do my stepson more good than if I stayed. He will see that a person can protect himself. Here is a letter I just sent. Maybe it is a violation of privacy to post it, but I will err on the side of combatting FOG. Dear [Wife], You need to think about these little attacks you make. I have found nothing that I can do to reduce them. I think you owe me an apology for the last one. I will not apologize for my angry letters because I am at the end of my rope on this. I have tried gentler ways many times without effect. Your refusal to discuss it, your silence, makes it worse. Do you mean to do this? What is in it for you? Are you willing to sacrifice all the good things we have rather than work on this problem of yours? This habit would be a threat to any marriage, but it seems targetted to my weakest areas. I cannot heal in those areas while the scabs are always picked off. You have been very upset by my BIID problem. Now that I seem to be getting under control, I should think you would be happy. Your specific attack on what I am doing to deal with it, what seems to be working for the first time, goes beyond cruelty. I don't know if you are able to see it for what it is, but it is insane, unless your real goal is to destroy and be rid of me by whatever means. I cannot help you with this except by holding up a mirror to it. You need to face it and seek appropriate help if you can't deal with it yourself. An apology would be a good starting point. Love, Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2004 Report Share Posted September 23, 2004 Dan, this is a brave thing to share. From what I have read over the past months (and I lurk faithfully even when I don't post much), just the facts and feelings you have shared, not even your interpretations, my " gut feel " is that her agenda, whether she is conscious of it or not, is to keep you in the " scapegoat " position. And so she needs you to be wounded and weak and unable to manoeuvre -- I think the comment you made a few days ago about her " cutting the legs out from under you " is very apt. But what a tragic thing to have to face! At some point you must have had hopes and dreams for health and growth in this relationship. I am so sorry that it has turned out this way. Her response to your making progress with your own mental health suggests that a stronger, happier you is a huge threat to her. Although I'm sad that she is unable to be happy about you being better, I am thrilled for you, and I'm sure I'm not alone. I think it is a wise observation that the best thing you may be able to do for your stepson is model non-compliance with his mother's attempts to abuse you. But again, how tragic that this may be your " best " option. Still, I have absolutely no doubt that he'll be better off for having had you in his life at all. And all of us are better off for knowing you, too. Hugs, > Here is a letter I just sent. Maybe it is a violation of privacy > to post it, but I will err on the side of combatting FOG. <<snip>> > You have been very upset by my BIID problem. Now that I seem to be > getting under control, I should think you would be happy. Your > specific attack on what I am doing to deal with it, what seems to be > working for the first time, goes beyond cruelty. I don't know if you > are able to see it for what it is, but it is insane, unless your real > goal is to destroy and be rid of me by whatever means. I cannot help > you with this except by holding up a mirror to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2004 Report Share Posted September 23, 2004 Hubba! Hubba! Your strength is apparent. You've come a LONG way baby! Ah... the ability grows - just so..... Free > , thanks for the support and the suggestions. I need it, there > are always sneaky feelings that I am being a monster to express my > anger and stand up for myself. > > I don't think I will have custody problems this time, anyway. We > have two kids, hers, not mine. The oldest is on her own. The > younger is with her in Colorado. He would have preferred to stay in > France but he will do what she says. I will make it plain, if she > doesn't come back, that he is welcome to stay with me, but since I am > not the biological father I am sure there would be no way to get > custody. At 15 he will be out of there pretty soon anyway. > > Actually, if I need to divorce her to save myself, I will probably do > my stepson more good than if I stayed. He will see that a person can > protect himself. > > Here is a letter I just sent. Maybe it is a violation of privacy to > post it, but I will err on the side of combatting FOG. > > Dear [Wife], > > You need to think about these little attacks you make. I have found > nothing that I can do to reduce them. I think you owe me an apology > for the last one. I will not apologize for my angry letters because I > am at the end of my rope on this. I have tried gentler ways many > times without effect. > > Your refusal to discuss it, your silence, makes it worse. Do you > mean to do this? What is in it for you? Are you willing to > sacrifice all the good things we have rather than work on this > problem of yours? > > This habit would be a threat to any marriage, but it seems targetted > to my weakest areas. I cannot heal in those areas while the scabs > are always picked off. > > You have been very upset by my BIID problem. Now that I seem to be > getting under control, I should think you would be happy. Your > specific attack on what I am doing to deal with it, what seems to be > working for the first time, goes beyond cruelty. I don't know if you > are able to see it for what it is, but it is insane, unless your real > goal is to destroy and be rid of me by whatever means. I cannot help > you with this except by holding up a mirror to it. You need to face > it and seek appropriate help if you can't deal with it yourself. > > An apology would be a good starting point. > > Love, Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.