Guest guest Posted May 6, 2004 Report Share Posted May 6, 2004 Is everyone here split bad? I have been when I set boundaries and for awhile my sister was the good one. Things have evened out more now that we are adults. I knew at an early age that our mother treated me better than my sister. After our father died, our grandmother helped raise us and she liked my sister more than me. Does that mean it all balanced out? Lark > I am interested in the " good child " whether a brother/sister, > daughter son. How does this person act in the family environment? > How do you deal with the saintly quality? We laugh and call our good > child " a big suck up " behind closed doors. The member of the family > always goes around being cordial to " chosen members " and ignoring > others. Just wondering and would like some feedbakc on this topice. > thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2004 Report Share Posted May 6, 2004 [re: being split good and bad at different times] > Does that mean it all balanced out? Hehe, Lark, I'm not sure it ever gets quite balanced out! Like you though, I was split good and bad at different times. Till I was 13 I was split bad. Then (because of a desperate desire to get out of reach of my FOO), I applied for and was lucky enough to get a full scholarship, plus room, board, books, and travel expenses to a fancy boarding school a thousand miles away. (This was despite nada sneering, " You'll never get in THERE, much less get any kind of scholarship money. And even if you got a full scholarship, which you NEVER WILL, we could never afford all the other expenses... " Getting that scholarship was one of my greatest " scow moments " --as in, " Scowwwwwww, mom. That's how much YOU know. " ) It was like winning the lottery, I was SO desperate to get away from them. But, the bad outcome was, with me out of the house, my brother became their immediate scapegoat. I suppose they needed to mistreat someone, up close and personal, on a daily basis. So he got split bad and I was split good (being far away and unreachable). I still feel guilty that I " left him with them. " However, at the time, I thought they adored him and hated me, and I had no idea they would pull some kind of major switch and start to mistreat him if I left. I thought I was just saving myself. :/ Anyway, I graduated early from high school and had to live at home again from January till August (when I started college, also a thousand miles away). Worst eight months of my life. I was split bad again, right away. And it was almost like I had lost my " tolerance " for being treated so badly, because by the time they were done with me, I was suicidal and so-o-o-o hypervigilant, almost bordering on paranoia--one day I was standing near the top of the stairs and my stepdad wanted to say something to me, and suddenly I was fearful and convinced--CONVINCED--that he was going to throw me down the stairs. I mean, it's something he *might* very well have done, but even as I was thinking it, I knew it was wacky to be CONVINCED that he was going to do it. I was just terrified and had to back away from the stairs. Bizarre. Then I went to college and after a few months of...I don't know what you would call it... " normalizing to the situation, " maybe--accepting the fact that I was around fairly normal people (no one who remotely wanted or intended to throw me down the stairs, anyway, ha), then I was relatively fine again. But for whatever reason, even though I was out of reach again, I remained split bad and my brother stayed split good. Overall, I'd rather be split bad. My poor brother seems kind of worse off, for having been mostly adored by them?? Like he's more intertwined with their craziness, and like I said in another post, I think he's pretty borderline himself. I think those of us who were split bad are *kind of* better off. Both are awful, of course, but being split bad gives you more of a chance to reject your nada/fada's crazy worldview, I think? -Kari Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2004 Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 I was the good child, and the only child, until I was 3. Then I found I just couldn't be perfect enough to be acceptable and gave up trying. My younger sister has always tried to be the good child. She has never been rewarded for it, but she keeps on trying out of habit or conviction that it is the right thing to do. She accepts me as an OK person even though I don't try to be the good child. - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2004 Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 Dan, I'm glad your sister accepts you as an okay person. We get along better now, but my sister used to slam the door in my face once in awhile when I tried to visit her. One of my first memories is her digging her fingernails into the back of my hand (she is 3 years older than I am). I don't like my assigned role. I am resentful and angry about it and didn't campaign for it. I have mixed feelings about both my mother and my sister and myself! Both my mother and my sister have threatened suicide. What is amazing is that now we all try to get along when we are together and although my sister has split me bad as recently as 4 years ago, we are getting along okay right now. I'm Miss Dependable by default, I think. Lark > I was the good child, and the only child, until I was 3. Then I > found I just couldn't be perfect enough to be acceptable and gave up > trying. > > My younger sister has always tried to be the good child. She has > never been rewarded for it, but she keeps on trying out of habit or > conviction that it is the right thing to do. She accepts me as an > OK person even though I don't try to be the good child. > > - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2004 Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 Dan, I'm glad your sister accepts you as an okay person. We get along better now, but my sister used to slam the door in my face once in awhile when I tried to visit her. One of my first memories is her digging her fingernails into the back of my hand (she is 3 years older than I am). I don't like my assigned role. I am resentful and angry about it and didn't campaign for it. I have mixed feelings about both my mother and my sister and myself! Both my mother and my sister have threatened suicide. What is amazing is that now we all try to get along when we are together and although my sister has split me bad as recently as 4 years ago, we are getting along okay right now. I'm Miss Dependable by default, I think. Lark > I was the good child, and the only child, until I was 3. Then I > found I just couldn't be perfect enough to be acceptable and gave up > trying. > > My younger sister has always tried to be the good child. She has > never been rewarded for it, but she keeps on trying out of habit or > conviction that it is the right thing to do. She accepts me as an > OK person even though I don't try to be the good child. > > - Dan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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