Re: Hostile Negotiations- Kerrie

[Guest guest]

Z,

I totally hear you as I think we are both currently at the same

cross-roads. I read SWOE and UMB and they were exceedingly helpful

w/the initial stages of knowing how to cope w/these type of people

and finding out I/we are not the crazy ones. It is very validating.

HOWEVER, I am not at all sure that now that I know and she is

unwilling to get into therapy and continues to treat me abusively

that I care to continue going down that path. It doesn't seem to be

my calling or remotely something I'm interested in doing for the

rest of my life- playing the part of her babysitter making sure she

stays w/in the boundaries of our relationship. I have a 7mos old who

is much less demanding- of my time and emotion- though of course it

is not easy, but different- a 7mos old SHOULD be catered to

accordingly.

I truly do not believe I care to stay any longer. In so far as other

KOs in their journeys, I think we are all at different stages here.

Some have made the split a while ago. Others are just finding

affirmation after years of abuse that this is a mental illness

issue. And then there are those like us who have been affirmed, read

it all and are on the fence w/whether or not we've had enough and

are ready to move onto the next phase of our lives (and if we stay,

that doesn't necessarily speak ill of us either as no two bps are

the same and some seem more managable than others- God knows my nada

has good years and then bad years- currently she's super mega-nada

b/c she's living w/her very npd boyfriend who won't propose to her

and he really brings her mental illness out even worse considering

he has a bp mother- my guestamation after being exposed to her a few

times- and an x-bp wife). Anyway, it is again subjective as to stay

or leave and I think any KO has a right to leave just on the merit

of how long they've put up w/this crap and how much abuse keeps

being dumped on them.

In so far as your aunt is concerned, I am not sure w/that. My aunt

is awesome, but she has a lot of issues too as she was raised in the

same household as nada- mainly she's an alcoholic though she's

definitely not a borderline. I can tell my aunt stuff now w/o fear

of it being repeated b/c she knows now a bit more about bpd as nada

has freaked on her a few times.

Best of luck w/this egg. I'm still sitting on the fence- haven't

made a move yet but will post when and if I do. I'm moving next

week, so I might just forget to forward my address- to all the foo

including my aunt I like just b/c I don't want nada in my life. Who

knows.

Kerrie

>

> > I think that is a subjective question you ask. Are you ready,

strong

> > enough, to deal one on one w/her?

>

> Most certainly not! I'm not even sure I want to talk on the phone

with

> her (which is her recent tactic).

>

>

> Have you confronted her w/the

> > notion that she needs to meet certain prerequisites to have a

> > relationship w/you, namely take charge of her own mental health?

>

>

> Yes I have, and I have received absolutely no acknowledgement from

her

> that I've done so.

>

>

> I'm

> > not sure really b/c if you've got a witch, then I'd say don't

even

> > go there. My nada is the queen type, but she has progressively

> > gotten more 'witchy' w/age and definitely more witchy since I

> > confronted her two years ago w/the fact I was unwilling to put

up

> > w/her psycho bs.

>

>

> I sat down in & Noble and read most of UBM, but I really

didn't

> find the archetypes (Witch, Waif, etc.) very useful since my nada

fits

> all of them pretty much equally. She can switch them at the drop

of a

> hat, too- one minute she'll be queen, next she'll be witch. Then

> she'll follow it up with a hermit or waif. But in any case I agree

> that she's prone to violent outbursts and I'm not willing to put up

> with that crap anymore.

>

>

> > What do you want? Do you want reconcilliation? Do you believe it

is

> > possible?

>

>

> It isn't if she doesn't get help, that's for sure. I'm not willing

to

> sacrifice my emotional/mental health for her sake, or anyone else's

> for that matter.

>

>

> Do you want your aunt to butt out and not be the go-

> > between since you've already stated you've written to her and

vice-

> > versa (seems to me like a hoover-maneuver w/getting your aunt

> > involved when she could've simply written you and asked to speak

in

> > person.

>

>

> Well, that's Auntie's decision, not mine. I can't stop her from

doing

> so, although perhaps it's in her best interests if I give her a

little

> more information on my perspective. I certainly would hate to ruin

our

> relationship, too by having nada #$ & ! it up.

>

>

>

> > Best of luck.

>

>

> Thanks.

>

>

> -Z.

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

Good luck with your decision. It's a difficult one. I already made a

decision not to speak with nada until she got treatment (or at the

very least acknowledged that she has a problem and needs help). Now

I'm deciding whether or not to go back to the " bargaining table. " As

it stands now, I don't think that I will be.

It's a tough decision to make. Once you've made it, and entered into

the realm of estrangement, you'll probably feel a lot of conflicting

emotions. One one hand, I felt extrememely relieved- my anxiety and

panic attacks steadily decreased (now I'm virtually attack-free), I

felt happy and positive about my future and my current life, etc.

However, at times I also felt (and feel) like _maybe_ I didn't do the

right thing- maybe I was too quick to act, maybe I didn't try hard

enough to fix our relationship, and a lot of other conflicting

feelings, too, most of which are certainly a result of nada's

programming me to do whatever she wants.

But some of it is genuine regret at what has happened between us, and

pity for nada. Most days I wish nada would get hit by a truck to take

her the farthest away from me as possible, but sometimes I wish she

were able to actually be a real, good, caring mother instead of the

un-mother that she's turned out to be.

Also, once you've cut the nada cord, you'll find that there are very

few people (besides other KOs that you run across, or others who have

seperated from their parents for whatever reason) that will understand

and support you in your decision. Most will say things like " well,

you'll probably work it out, because blood is thicker than water, "

etc. etc. Also there are no resources that I've found out there for

people who are estranged with their parents. There are hundreds of

books on divorce, but not one that I've found that's dealt primarily

with the emotions and difficulties surrounding divorcing your parents.

However, one that does help somewhat is Forward's _Toxic

Parents_ (I found it before I found out about BPD, but it's also

listed in the back of SWOE).

Again, good luck. Your fellow KOs will be here for you whatever your

decision! =)

Cheers,

Z.

> Z,

> I totally hear you as I think we are both currently at the same

> cross-roads. I read SWOE and UMB and they were exceedingly helpful

> w/the initial stages of knowing how to cope w/these type of people

> and finding out I/we are not the crazy ones. It is very validating.

> HOWEVER, I am not at all sure that now that I know and she is

> unwilling to get into therapy and continues to treat me abusively

> that I care to continue going down that path. It doesn't seem to be

> my calling or remotely something I'm interested in doing for the

> rest of my life- playing the part of her babysitter making sure she

> stays w/in the boundaries of our relationship. I have a 7mos old who

> is much less demanding- of my time and emotion- though of course it

> is not easy, but different- a 7mos old SHOULD be catered to

> accordingly.

> I truly do not believe I care to stay any longer. In so far as other

> KOs in their journeys, I think we are all at different stages here.

> Some have made the split a while ago. Others are just finding

> affirmation after years of abuse that this is a mental illness

> issue. And then there are those like us who have been affirmed, read

> it all and are on the fence w/whether or not we've had enough and

> are ready to move onto the next phase of our lives (and if we stay,

> that doesn't necessarily speak ill of us either as no two bps are

> the same and some seem more managable than others- God knows my nada

> has good years and then bad years- currently she's super mega-nada

> b/c she's living w/her very npd boyfriend who won't propose to her

> and he really brings her mental illness out even worse considering

> he has a bp mother- my guestamation after being exposed to her a few

> times- and an x-bp wife). Anyway, it is again subjective as to stay

> or leave and I think any KO has a right to leave just on the merit

> of how long they've put up w/this crap and how much abuse keeps

> being dumped on them.

> In so far as your aunt is concerned, I am not sure w/that. My aunt

> is awesome, but she has a lot of issues too as she was raised in the

> same household as nada- mainly she's an alcoholic though she's

> definitely not a borderline. I can tell my aunt stuff now w/o fear

> of it being repeated b/c she knows now a bit more about bpd as nada

> has freaked on her a few times.

>

> Best of luck w/this egg. I'm still sitting on the fence- haven't

> made a move yet but will post when and if I do. I'm moving next

> week, so I might just forget to forward my address- to all the foo

> including my aunt I like just b/c I don't want nada in my life. Who

> knows.

> Kerrie

[Guest guest]

I like that thought. I like it a lot.

Free

I've got my own picture to paint.

[Guest guest]

I like that thought. I like it a lot.

Free

I've got my own picture to paint.