Re: My memories/reality of above post

[Guest guest]

>

> As I mentioned although my mom's post is several years old I just

saw

> it this weekend. I am the oldest daughter mentioned & the only

> unmarried daughter.

>

> I think I've been having some textbook ko thought's & feeling's

since.

> I feel angry that a thread of it is true. I have strained to

> remember details like this part - the other part etc. is SO untrue.

> I have questioned my memories. I have wondered if I somehow took

the

> incident mentioned & twisted it (myself) & made it worse.

*****You probably haven't done this. I am sure it was very

frightening to be left alone with your sisters, not know whether or

not the door was locked, and being afraid of what would happen if the

laundry wasn't all folded when your mother returned.

>....... I feel scared to post. I might get

> caught " telling " because I'm breaking rules ie. what will be my

> punishment? I'm trying to get healthier. I'm posting for me not

to

> punish her.

****Good that you know that. The 'rules' you are referring to are

probably just there to make you obey your mother. You can set your

own rules for yourself now.

>

> I'm pissed I forget that it's a mental illness so it's not really

her

> fault.

****She is responsible for her actions, regardless of the cause. You

are responsible for your actions, regardless of the cause. Saying

our BP parents 'can't help it' is enabling them to continue their

behavior without having to deal with the consequences.

Stuck somewhere between hate & forgiveness. No one but here

> can understand this. That is so pathetic the mental illness is so

> kept in the closet. Otherwise I would not feel so bad so motivated

> to keep up appearences. Attend family functions act like a zombie.

> Deny, deny, deny. I know I'm rambling sorry.

****Ramble all you want and need to - that's why this board is here.

>

> My memory. Mom hardly ever cleaned anything. Kids did it all. No

> path to the washer dryer so we carted laundry to the mat 11 or more

> loads at a time from 12 years on. The incidence(s) of being locked

> in the room started before the youngest sister could walk. It was

> just the two oldest of us. I knew the door was sometimes locked &

> sometimes not. I wouldn't have dared to come out because that was

> guaranteed a beating. My sister's would bury themselves in the

> clothes & go to sleep. There were huge mounds & they were babies.

> They would play & knock over the stacks that were folded. Sometimes

> we all slept in there. I would explore the room & found out mom

> stashed coke's in the closet. Glass ones but never thought to put

a

> bottle opener in there - probably because I was 6 or 7 when it

> started. Plus it would have guaranteed a beating drinking her

cokes.

****What a terrible memory to have to bear. I am glad you shared it

with us, because we do understand.

>

> My mom was as far as you can get from neat freak. I can't even

begin

> to explain that one.

****Her perception of herself sure isn't a realistic one!

>

> Anyway this has been on my mind. The worst thing I think is

> questioning yourself in the midst of collective family denial (most

> of the time). Knowing the reality that you have no chance of

> changing things for others. Knowing you need to learn the

techniques

> in SWOE in order to preserve your own sanity. Wondering where &

when

> you will find the time.

****You just found the time to do this one thing. Other actions will

build upon this one.

>

> I'm glad I posted. I will try to post some. My life is too full

> right now & I'm having trouble dropping things from my schedule.

> I need to come here. I need to heal more. Thanks for reading.

>

> Change

*****Try to take some more time just for you. Take care of yourself,

Sylvia

[Guest guest]

> Plus it would have guaranteed a beating drinking her cokes.

I'm so sorry you all had to go through what you did. Not only would

it have been traumatic for you, but dangerous...what if there had

been a fire!

Anyway, reading your line about the coke brought back a memory for me

I had forgotten about. My NADA has the worst diet of anyone I have

ever seen. Although before I go on with the rest of this story, with

the exception of not wanting me to ever drink anything with meals (it

will make you gain weight! lol)my NADA did see to it that I had a

VERY healthy diet. Anyway, she LIVED on chocolate cokes. That was

her entire lunch for years!!!! The refrigerator would be filled with

bottles of coke and chocolate syrup! I was never allowed to touch

them.

Growing up, I was not allowed to eat candy, drink soda or have

chocolate. PERIOD...no exceptions. I'm an only child and lived in an

area where there were no other children so I really was never exposed

to them. Looking back on it, I never tried to sneak it either

although I don't know why (I was never beaten.) I remember once I had

been in an accident and needed stitches, the doctor wanted to give me

a lollipop and I won't take it until my mother said it was alright.

I was about 6 or 7 years old and had never had one before!!!! Easter

and Halloweeen I always got a present...NO CANDY!

I was never allowed to have a birthday party so I never got candy

then either (I know that seemed to be a popular gift when my children

were little.) And if I was invited to someone else's house for a

birthday, or someone was having a birthday at school and brought ice

cream..my mother would call their parents and insist that they have a

special vanilla ice cream cup for me. How embarrassing. I'm not

allegic to chocolate. There was NEVER a reason given except that

when I got older, if I ever got acne, it might make it worse. Like

that's a rational reason for a 6 year old!

Looking back on it,I guess it didn't do that much harm. I still have

a very healthy diet. To this day, I still have no desire to eat

candy,as it turns out I don't like chocolate, and I very rarely ever

drink a soda .

Anyway, sorry for my rambling...