A start/Long and more to come

[Guest guest]

In and out, DEEP BREATHING, in and out as I type this as my hands

tremble.......

Hi, I am 31 yrs old, have 3 little ones, 4-9-12, have a husband

(controlling) he is only a year older than I, we have been married

for 13 yrs.

I have a BPD mother, and about 2002 I dropped off the face of this

list. Having had a baby in July of 2000, and being that he was my

3rd, I was feeling like I just couldn't keep up, like the failure I

was told I was always going to end up. In the yr 1997 we had a near

fatal MVA (car accident/not out fault/drunk hit us). I ended up

seeing the best of the best in MD's, ended up with a Neurologist who

also is board certified in Psychiatry. So, living with pain, living

with pain in butt in-laws (who I think I love now lol..), having a

very abusive NADA who lives in a state 10 hrs away, and of course my

beautiful, lovely children. Oh my father???? He is in England, he is

from England, as is my half brother and last grandmother living.

As a child of a BPD mother, I have suffered greatly yet had much

help. When I was younger and the " Socialite of the Area " (NADA) had

her parental rights taken away from her, I ended up living across the

country in CA with " SOCIALITES " older sister. At the young age of 15

NADA stopped talking to me, if I called her she hung up, she did not

acknowledge my B-Day's et al. All I had was a beautiful, soul filled

aunt, 2 cousins, and an adoring grandmother (who nada sucked up to, I

was like the 4th daughter in the family). Grandma loved me so very

much as I did her. My grandpa was a daddy to me, he died when I was

15....

Before the age of 15, I had been shipped off to so many other peoples

homes to live I have sort of lost count. When I was 3 I was burned

terribly on my right arm, NADA says I grabbed onto her leg while she

had a hot cup of coffee in her hand, thus it spilled all over my head

and arm, my head/face is fine however I have a third degree burn on

my arm. Recently I asked my Neuro what type of burn he thought I had,

he told me IT WAS FROM FIRE not from hot water, coffee etc.....Of

course I do not remember what happened, other than going in the car

to the MD, NADA did not want me to stay in hospital, she insisted

that she care for me herself. Day after day, she took me in to see MD

where he would change the dressings, eventually she was the one who

had to do the rest. Strange that I don't remember the actual event,

but remember everything following it- Nada had self diagnosed me with

MANY different Psychiatric problems, she made me go through so many

tests, saw so many MD's, eventually I think as I became older they

all became a bit suspicious of her. Well, until we moved and she

could start again....All I ever heard her talk about was, " Poor me,

my little girl has problems, and I just don't know what to do. Poor

me, I am divorced and have to raise a child all by myself, and my

child is a very large problem. " UMMMMMM, THE PROBLEM sadly was her

own self (and I have such a hard time with this).....She abandoned me

so many times, I felt like something died inside of me long ago....

My stress level is making me shake at the moment and I hope I can get

the rest out quick.

So nada was my whole life, I loved her more than anything as a young

gal, as father was in UK and other countries practicing law/business.

I saw him very rarely, nada claimed he was " Bipolar " which is why she

left him when I was 13 months old, she arrived back to the states,

moved in w/her parents and climbed into bed for over a year...Her

mother and father cared for me, until finally my grandmother made

NADA get up, get on the phone and speak to her old pals. Nada ends up

moving us 2 hrs away from grandparents, got a teaching job, and I was

shipped off to daycare. I was in a home daycare, another nightmare

for me, I don't even need to tell all what happened in that situation.

When I was 11 NADA moved back to her mom/dad, told me that at my age

I would give pappa a heart attack and made me live 2 hrs away at our

very good friends home. At the age of 12 I missed my family, so NADA

brings me back, still stands on the heart attack issue and ships me

over to her sicko sister and brother in laws home. Uncle in law was

VERY abusive, sexually came onto me, physically hurt me in front of

aunt, and so on and so forth. I reported this to my NADA and she

says " Good at least someone can control you! " WHHHHATTTTT!!!! I am

stuck, so I tell the school, they bring the aunt + uncle (he was a

freaking Optometrist with a Marine background) in which, I was called

a liar and only told the school those things as I was just looking to

go home. They were paid off weekly by NADA and the abuse continued.

Oh how I used to cry walking that half mile home each day, shaking

and so afraid of what the evening was to bring...

More in between these lines, but I do not want to bore anyone and I

kind of want to get to what's going on now.

So I end up in BEAUTIFUL California with my wonderful aunt, she gives

me such love and compassion, however she refused to ever listen to

anything bad about her younger sister and the sicko uncle in law. I

must say, she kept me safe, got my butt into counseling, and was the

light that kept me going. After nearly two years with her, I really

needed to see grandma as she was starting to loose it a bit, so I

worked my behind off and got a round trip ticket back home, however I

could not stay w/grandma as nada was w/her. So I instead lived with

my best friend. I had an open return on my airline ticket, so I was

able to stay as long as possible or short as possible.....I never

imagined that I would end up staying, but I did...I worked, going to

nursing school, worked in a nursing home, and fell in love with young

man who started out as a great friend. He knew everything about my

life, and was the basic reason why I did not return to CA, I always

felt like I was 10 yrs older than what I actually was. I am sure that

a great many of us do.

This young man ended up becoming my husband, we have been married

ever since. His parents were furious that we married at a young age,

(i would be also I think) I had never had a sexual relationship with

a man, so he was my first. Of course YES I will tell you that I did

end up pregnant and I refused to get an abortion, his parents tried

as hard they could to force me to get an abortion, I REFUSED. They

told my husband that if I " complied " they would buy him his own place

at college, a new car and I would be rewarded......Ok, another

different topic all together.

So here I am again, 2 yrs ago I left and started having the biggest

meltdown of my life. I was burning out, I was running children all

over the place, making dinners, lunches and dealing with other

stressors. I have chronic pain, the pain level makes my life

different from most, as I am unable to pick my 4 yr old up, I cannot

stand on my feet for long periods of time, etc, etc, etc.....I have

documented, real PAIN, have had surgeries, and tried everything for

pain in the natural sense. Finally I was placed on round the clock

pain meds (since about '98-now), however I was off them when pregnant

with bambino #3, I ended up on bedrest for most of the pregnancy. If

anyone thinks that is great, trust me, it STINKS as you have no

control over life, your children are in plays or ballet and you miss

that- You get so bored you feel like the walls are closing in on you.

Ahhh, but finally my beautiful son was born!! It was very hard to

handle 3 children + pain, but somehow I did it =)

Ok, I ended up meeting some very toxic friends who I just thought

were fabulous, I was in the neighborhood talking to a neighbor who

would talk about another neighbor, it went round and round, till one

day I walked across the backyards and overheard them laughing about

ME, calling me a " GOOF " and many other things. It made me so sad, but

it also made me aware that this is what life is really like-Grown

up's behave like 12/13 yr olds....Looked at my life situation and

gradually got out of the toxic " friendly " relationships. Oh it hurt

me so bad to do so, but I knew that I needed to stay away from that

back and forth nonsense. If they are talking to you about another

good friend you know darned well that they are talking to your good

friend about you. Rumors go hand in hand, feelings are broken......It

was the worst when I realized that I had shared in confidence some

very " secret " family (husbands side) history, and that the history

had gotten out in this small town- So yes, I beat myself up inside-

I ran and ran and ran, I became so thin, as I was not eating well, I

was not paying attention to how much I was drinking (fluid wise not

Alcohol as I do not drink the stuff), we had a fire in our garage,

caused by an electric fence and another cord, we were forced to move

in with the in-laws (oh my gawd you could feel the stress)...I became

so run down, that I ended up with Pneumonia, MD, put me on Z-PACK

that did not touch it, so then I was put on BIAXIN. The first two

days on BIAXIN I felt so horrible, I had a bad feeling so I called

the MD, he said I was FINE.....After that I remember NOTHING!!!! I

was left in my bed, home alone, husband not paying attention to what

was happening, well I was taking EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL, SUDAFED, you

name it, anything to get rid of the fever, the shakes and the

horrible feeling inside, I had fallen down steps in front of my

children, had lost consciousness walking across the hallway, where I

fell hard on the tile, head first into a glass door..Why did my

husband just pick me up and put me back in bed? My best friend was

flipping out she lives out of this country, she kept telling him to

get me to hospital ASAP as her husband is an MD... My husbands family

MADE him take me to hospital, I have no memory as I was in a coma...I

lost so much weight, that at 5'6 I was under 105lbs- My lowest has

only ever been 125..... I was so out of it, I lost hearing in one

ear, my speech was messed up, and memories were all gone...One by one

they did come back, but I am missing a few months, and I also forget

things very easily. This was March 11, the fire was in early FEB.

MY NADA moves into our home that WE had just moved back into after

living with in-laws, and after me laying around out of it unable to

do the most simple of tasks. We had all of our clothes professionally

cleaned, when they were returned (and I mean my entire house full of

clothing) they were in bags, all jumbled up. It would take me forever

to figure out what was what- SOOO as I was sick, NADA takes over with

my children + house, husband cannot stand her, each day a new story

for me to listen to in hospital (over 10 days in hospital)....The

children were a MESS and would whisper in my ear that they disliked

my mother and that she was really mean.

Is it ok, I am going to leave off here and continue to cut to the end

of what ended up happening....This is draining to me, I hate going

back, but I think I should so that everyone can get to know me better.

Later today I shall finish off with what happened after the hospital-

Thanks to all who wrote, I am thinking that I lost control of every

aspect in my life and my weight was the one thing I could actually

control. Now, this is in retrospect, cause during the time I was

losing all that weight, I never saw myself as disgusting, or to thin.

People told me over and over again, but I just brushed it off....Now

that I am better, I cannot begin to tell you what I actually looked

like when I first saw myself in the hospital-

More to come, and thanks again everyone! Unless this is just to much?

Yours,

Kimberley