Re: feedback...charlotte Free

[Guest guest]

Hi Free, Charlotte,

I have no pat answer concerning if a person should inform a father

about nada behavior. My personal experience is that it hasn't made

any difference since the nada behavior wasn't directed at the father

and he hasn't experienced much of it. There also seems to be a time

limit.

IMHO, this is what I think happens: The nada directs her frustrations

at the children in varying degrees depending on their assigned " role "

in the family. Most, if not all, the children experience her off-the-

wall behavior but it is mostly done out of earshot or presence of the

father. If nada is willing to take it out on you in the presence of

the father, heaven help you when alone with her.

The father seems to assume one of three roles, 1. Rarely Present -

Father knows something is strange about the " emotional " behavior and

stays away from unpleasantness - earning a living or spending one,

and staying purposefully ignorant. 2. Normal But Ignorant - Really

doesn't know what is happening, just thinks wife is " emotional " , or,

3. Aware and Collusive - Milque-toast, or worse, a Fada.

What seems to amaze some of us KOs is that the relationship between

the parents may seem quite fulfilling to both parents, while we are

starving for any scrap of validation. In all fairness I must admit

that their relationship came before I was a gleam in anyone's eye.

The thought occurs to me that maybe some couples shouldn't have

children - of course then we wouldn't be here. I'd rather be here :-)

My father was more of #1, staying away and not having to deal with

what he might find. This created problems much later(25 yrs) when

some of the kids tried to tell him what happened. He partially

suspects but doesn't want to discuss it. It just isn't a real option

at this point without diminishing the quality of the parents final

years.

One of the kids pushed a little too hard at trying to get Dad to

recognize the problem and has diminished his position with the

parents. I think Dad is trying to preserve what he and mother still

have in their relationship and would cease contact with a child if

the child threatened the primary relationship between he and mother.

I can't criticize that their couple relationship is more important

than any other, however, I do see that it also serves as the final

control point that saves mother from having to work out any remaining

issues with her children.

Maybe there is a window in which to air these things with parents and

we shouldn't wait too long? Old age certainly doesn't work.

We simply visit and do what we can for the two of them. Any time

spent with Dad, alone, is quite genuine and without tension. When we

are in Mom's presence, with or without Dad, we turn on the radar and

when the signals come, it's time to go.

> > This is how I feel about my father.

> >

> > Free

> >

> > --- In ModOasis , " charlottehoneychurch " >

> >

> > He is a good man, and he would be absolutely devastated if he

> knew

> > the extent of terror this nada put me through. Maybe he would

> deny

> > it.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/23/04 2:12:31 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

free_spirit_etc@... writes:

It seems kind of more like they know - but don't know that they

know.. or don't acknowledge that they know.. or maybe know

the " generals " but not the " specifics. "

According to Bradshaw - EVERYONE knows the family secrets - they just

don't always know that they know.

Free

> Why assume that dad doesn't know. chances are he knows. lots of

foo know

> they just don't want to know.

It's the Elephant In The Livingroom Syndrome; everyone knows it is there,

steps over it...but no one can ever talk about it. Carol

[Guest guest]

It seems kind of more like they know - but don't know that they

know.. or don't acknowledge that they know.. or maybe know

the " generals " but not the " specifics. "

According to Bradshaw - EVERYONE knows the family secrets - they just

don't always know that they know.

Free

> Why assume that dad doesn't know. chances are he knows. lots of

foo know

> they just don't want to know.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello again FREE, hello to all. Semi newbie here. Read this and had to

chime in with abig YES YES!!! This is what makes it so madenning - we

all knew in my family but didnt talk about it, and worse, pretended

the opposite was true.

N

> > Why assume that dad doesn't know. chances are he knows. lots of

> foo know

> > they just don't want to know.

> >

> >

> >