Guest guest Posted April 18, 2004 Report Share Posted April 18, 2004 Hi Tim, I like your wife; knowing no more about her than that you care enough to stand up to your nada on her behalf...she must be lovely, and a loving person. 'I' am glad that you have her in your life. Your sisters are nada hostages; likely equal in their threat to nada as your new wife. I have never been a 'favorite child' of my nada, but my brothers were/are alternately. Am I correct is assuming that you were the 'Golden Child' before your marriage? Your crime, in short, is that you did not kill your father. The Oedipus complex is alive and well in jealous nadas. The only way to placate your nada now is to fulfill her darkest wish...displace your father as her protector/providor/defender/by rejecting your wife, and then you will again be favored 'in the will'. Nadas routinely diminish their 'Golden Boy Son' when they are threatened by a rival; how better to make you remorseful for loving another, my dear. Your wife represents Nada's downfall as Queen; nada has summarily been demoted to 'Lady in waiting' to the new Queen...in her own self centered mind. Vulgar, hurtful, degrading remarks make her feel powerful, more beloved...only in her own mind. You, and your marriage, are going to be OK. Let the power stay within nada's mind; don't let it seep into your relationship with your wife. Nothing more required. Nothing less will do. Carol In a message dated 4/18/04 9:44:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time, timbillings1@... writes: My mother has BPD (at least, we think she does). I have moved out of the house and gotten married all in the last year, and she has had a lot of issues with that. She has not been willing to include my wife as a part of the family. She has frequently made insulting and degrading comments about my wife (ie, she eats like a pig). She also has an almost insane jealousy of my wife's family. They live about 2 hours from us and my wife is close to her family and so we try to spend a weekend with them around once a month or so, but each time we go to visit them or they come to visit us, my mom makes degrading comments about them or makes me feel guilty for it. For example, one time she went off at me, complaining that my wife's family has stayed the night at our house, but she has never spent the night here (though she only lives 10 minutes away!). Another thing that makes it hard for me is I have 4 sisters, and I am the only son. Growing up, it was not uncommon for her to say that she always wanted 5 boys. I have always been her favorite child and she has made no secret of this fact, even to my sisters. I was just curious to hear from others their experiences and how they deal with a BP mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 18, 2004 Report Share Posted April 18, 2004 Hi Tim, I like your wife; knowing no more about her than that you care enough to stand up to your nada on her behalf...she must be lovely, and a loving person. 'I' am glad that you have her in your life. Your sisters are nada hostages; likely equal in their threat to nada as your new wife. I have never been a 'favorite child' of my nada, but my brothers were/are alternately. Am I correct is assuming that you were the 'Golden Child' before your marriage? Your crime, in short, is that you did not kill your father. The Oedipus complex is alive and well in jealous nadas. The only way to placate your nada now is to fulfill her darkest wish...displace your father as her protector/providor/defender/by rejecting your wife, and then you will again be favored 'in the will'. Nadas routinely diminish their 'Golden Boy Son' when they are threatened by a rival; how better to make you remorseful for loving another, my dear. Your wife represents Nada's downfall as Queen; nada has summarily been demoted to 'Lady in waiting' to the new Queen...in her own self centered mind. Vulgar, hurtful, degrading remarks make her feel powerful, more beloved...only in her own mind. You, and your marriage, are going to be OK. Let the power stay within nada's mind; don't let it seep into your relationship with your wife. Nothing more required. Nothing less will do. Carol In a message dated 4/18/04 9:44:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time, timbillings1@... writes: My mother has BPD (at least, we think she does). I have moved out of the house and gotten married all in the last year, and she has had a lot of issues with that. She has not been willing to include my wife as a part of the family. She has frequently made insulting and degrading comments about my wife (ie, she eats like a pig). She also has an almost insane jealousy of my wife's family. They live about 2 hours from us and my wife is close to her family and so we try to spend a weekend with them around once a month or so, but each time we go to visit them or they come to visit us, my mom makes degrading comments about them or makes me feel guilty for it. For example, one time she went off at me, complaining that my wife's family has stayed the night at our house, but she has never spent the night here (though she only lives 10 minutes away!). Another thing that makes it hard for me is I have 4 sisters, and I am the only son. Growing up, it was not uncommon for her to say that she always wanted 5 boys. I have always been her favorite child and she has made no secret of this fact, even to my sisters. I was just curious to hear from others their experiences and how they deal with a BP mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2004 Report Share Posted April 19, 2004 I can relate totally to avoiding fights with nada...until you realize that the rest of your life is at stake. I'm sure it was quite a shock to your lovely wife to find that loving you could evoke such jealousy; there should be no competition, your mother should be glad for you...and grateful for such a daughter in law. My own nada would still trespass into my marriage, 25 years we have been together, but my husband is 'on to her'; she plays the martyr/grieving, worried about/for him mother in law/ role. {some other variety of Shakespearean jealousy complex} In order to have 'control' of me, via him, she instructed my husband shortly after we married to 'keep her informed' of how 'I am'...because I have been 'mentally ill all of my life'. Of course...she tried to instill fear and distrust...claiming ownership of my husband's thoughts. That didn't work very well either. He has learned, as your wife has, that when mother's demean their own children 'that' is the source of the family sickness. Congratulations to you, to you both. Wish you all the best, Carol In a message dated 4/20/04 12:47:43 AM Eastern Daylight Time, cashew126@... writes: Thanks for the encouragement, Carol. Yes, I was definitely the " Golden Child " growing up. And it all changed when I met my wife, and suddenly I was downgraded. To a certain extent, when I was growing up I was my nada's emotional husband. She has never been very close to my father and she always came to me for support and friendship. It was always easier for me growing up to let all " fights " go in order to keep the peace. There wasn't anything worth a huge fight until I met my wife. My nada created a competition between her and my wife, though my wife never thought there should be a competition and tried to avoid one. You hit the nail on the head with what is going on with my nada. It helps to have someone else put some of it into words. Thanks again. > Hi Tim, > > I like your wife; knowing no more about her than that you care enough to > stand up to your nada on her behalf...she must be lovely, and a loving person. > 'I' am glad that you have her in your life. > > Your sisters are nada hostages; likely equal in their threat to nada as your > new wife. > > I have never been a 'favorite child' of my nada, but my brothers were/are > alternately. Am I correct is assuming that you were the 'Golden Child' before > your marriage? > > Your crime, in short, is that you did not kill your father. The Oedipus > complex is alive and well in jealous nadas. The only way to placate your nada now > is to fulfill her darkest wish...displace your father as her > protector/providor/defender/by rejecting your wife, and then you will again be favored 'in the > will'. > > Nadas routinely diminish their 'Golden Boy Son' when they are threatened by a > rival; how better to make you remorseful for loving another, my dear. Your > wife represents Nada's downfall as Queen; nada has summarily been demoted to > 'Lady in waiting' to the new Queen...in her own self centered mind. Vulgar, > hurtful, degrading remarks make her feel powerful, more beloved...only in her own > mind. > > You, and your marriage, are going to be OK. Let the power stay within nada's > mind; don't let it seep into your relationship with your wife. Nothing more > required. Nothing less will do. Carol > > > > > In a message dated 4/18/04 9:44:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time, > timbillings1@j... writes: > My mother has BPD (at least, we think she does). I have moved out of the > house and gotten married all in the last year, and she has had a lot of > issues with that. She has not been willing to include my wife as a part > of the family. She has frequently made insulting and degrading comments > about my wife (ie, she eats like a pig). She also has an almost insane > jealousy of my wife's family. They live about 2 hours from us and my > wife is close to her family and so we try to spend a weekend with them > around once a month or so, but each time we go to visit them or they come > to visit us, my mom makes degrading comments about them or makes me feel > guilty for it. For example, one time she went off at me, complaining > that my wife's family has stayed the night at our house, but she has > never spent the night here (though she only lives 10 minutes away!). > Another thing that makes it hard for me is I have 4 sisters, and I am the > only son. Growing up, it was not uncommon for her to say that she always > wanted 5 boys. I have always been her favorite child and she has made no > secret of this fact, even to my sisters. I was just curious to hear from > others their experiences and how they deal with a BP mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 19, 2004 Report Share Posted April 19, 2004 Thanks for the encouragement, Carol. Yes, I was definitely the " Golden Child " growing up. And it all changed when I met my wife, and suddenly I was downgraded. To a certain extent, when I was growing up I was my nada's emotional husband. She has never been very close to my father and she always came to me for support and friendship. It was always easier for me growing up to let all " fights " go in order to keep the peace. There wasn't anything worth a huge fight until I met my wife. My nada created a competition between her and my wife, though my wife never thought there should be a competition and tried to avoid one. You hit the nail on the head with what is going on with my nada. It helps to have someone else put some of it into words. Thanks again. > Hi Tim, > > I like your wife; knowing no more about her than that you care enough to > stand up to your nada on her behalf...she must be lovely, and a loving person. > 'I' am glad that you have her in your life. > > Your sisters are nada hostages; likely equal in their threat to nada as your > new wife. > > I have never been a 'favorite child' of my nada, but my brothers were/are > alternately. Am I correct is assuming that you were the 'Golden Child' before > your marriage? > > Your crime, in short, is that you did not kill your father. The Oedipus > complex is alive and well in jealous nadas. The only way to placate your nada now > is to fulfill her darkest wish...displace your father as her > protector/providor/defender/by rejecting your wife, and then you will again be favored 'in the > will'. > > Nadas routinely diminish their 'Golden Boy Son' when they are threatened by a > rival; how better to make you remorseful for loving another, my dear. Your > wife represents Nada's downfall as Queen; nada has summarily been demoted to > 'Lady in waiting' to the new Queen...in her own self centered mind. Vulgar, > hurtful, degrading remarks make her feel powerful, more beloved...only in her own > mind. > > You, and your marriage, are going to be OK. Let the power stay within nada's > mind; don't let it seep into your relationship with your wife. Nothing more > required. Nothing less will do. Carol > > > > > In a message dated 4/18/04 9:44:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time, > timbillings1@j... writes: > My mother has BPD (at least, we think she does). I have moved out of the > house and gotten married all in the last year, and she has had a lot of > issues with that. She has not been willing to include my wife as a part > of the family. She has frequently made insulting and degrading comments > about my wife (ie, she eats like a pig). She also has an almost insane > jealousy of my wife's family. They live about 2 hours from us and my > wife is close to her family and so we try to spend a weekend with them > around once a month or so, but each time we go to visit them or they come > to visit us, my mom makes degrading comments about them or makes me feel > guilty for it. For example, one time she went off at me, complaining > that my wife's family has stayed the night at our house, but she has > never spent the night here (though she only lives 10 minutes away!). > Another thing that makes it hard for me is I have 4 sisters, and I am the > only son. Growing up, it was not uncommon for her to say that she always > wanted 5 boys. I have always been her favorite child and she has made no > secret of this fact, even to my sisters. I was just curious to hear from > others their experiences and how they deal with a BP mother. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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